


you can't cross the line (but you can't stop trying)

by pageandpetals



Series: Uni AU: Sehun-centric [2]
Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Living Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, References to Depression, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2019-10-03 10:30:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 111,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17282381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pageandpetals/pseuds/pageandpetals
Summary: sophomore year of college is treating sehun better than his first year, but he still hasn't figured out how to deal with the painful crush he has on his roommate.





	1. october 23, a thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a sehun-centric sequel to [armistice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2495519), both of which take place within my uni AU. you might want to read armistice first for context, since it is referenced throughout the entire fic, but you can probably get by without it. events that occur in other fics in this AU are mentioned; i'd say the most pertinent ones are [the jundae ones](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1036344). those establish a lot of the relationship dynamics between the supporting characters in this story.
> 
> if you like real plot-heavy and angsty kinds of fics, this is... probably not going to be your cup of tea. if you've read anything i've written before, you know my style is really dialogue-heavy and slice of life-y. if you haven't... well, now you know. that being said, this is fundamentally the story of a friendship evolving into a romantic relationship and its attendant pitfalls and awkward moments, so, y'know, it's gonna get real hot and heavy, too—just hopefully not in a way that feels gratuitous! (not that i have a problem with that. half of my oeuvre is gratuitous smut.)
> 
> the fic is MOSTLY done—i started writing it near the end of may 2018, and i'm still filling in gaps here and there—so currently there are 21 chapters planned, but that may increase by 1–2 chapters depending on how long the new material is. current word count is roughly 75k; i'm guessing it's going to clock in somewhere around 90k by the time it's finished, depending on how long-winded i am. i'm aiming to post a chapter every friday, but if i finish the unfinished bits in a timely manner, i might start posting twice a week. i'll put a note at the top here if that's the case and i'll make note of it on twitter as well.
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)

_This is wrong_ , Sehun thinks for what must be the hundredth time, shaking his head in self-recrimination as he locks his bedroom door, drops his bookbag, shucks his jeans, and trips into bed, one foot still caught in the leg of his skinnies. He rolls onto his back and kicks until his foot is free, then lets his leg hang off the side of the bed as his right hand slides with purpose beneath the waistband of his underwear to grip the base of his cock. _This is_ so _wrong_.

His dick and his brain don't seem to be on the same wavelength, however, which is why Sehun is jerking off while fantasizing about his roommate for the third time this week, and it's only Thursday. Usually, Sehun indulges in these forays into his spank bank for the express purpose of quickly getting off before bed; it's almost become a ritual by now. But today is… different, as much as it had started like any other day.

Sehun let himself into the apartment he shares with his friend, Jongin, after his final class of the day, heading toward his room to decompress for a while before tackling the reading for tomorrow's classes. Jongin’s usually not around on Thursday afternoons, so Sehun didn't anticipate the bathroom door flying open as he passed it on the way to his bedroom. Evidently, Jongin—clad only in a towel, his hair damp and hanging in his eyes—didn’t expect Sehun to be home, either. The two of them collided, and Jongin sent Sehun stumbling into the wall, where his head met the plaster with a loud _thunk_.

"Oh shit, sorry," Jongin yelped, his hand clutching Sehun's shoulder in an effort to keep his balance. He stepped back, dropping one hand to keep hold of the towel wrapped around his waist and lifting the other to gingerly touch the back of Sehun's head. "Are you okay? God, I'm so sorry, I didn't hear you come in and I wasn't watching where I was going. Is your head okay? Jesus, Sehun, I'm sorry."

Disoriented, it took Sehun a moment to realize that Jongin was (a) touching him, and (b) mostly naked. "I'm fine," he said far too loudly, his voice cracking in a profoundly embarrassing fashion. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his racing heart, smiling at Jongin to ease the concern from his (perfect) face, and repeated at a normal volume, "Really, I'm fine." Knocking on the side of his own head, he grinned and pulled his backpack up on one shoulder, gesturing toward Jongin’s bedroom door with his free hand. "Go put some clothes on already."

Jongin slipped past him with a sheepish smile, and as soon as his bedroom door closed behind him, Sehun darted into his own room.

It's not that Sehun's never seen Jongin in that state of undress. They've lived together for the better part of a year, ever since the kind and benevolent staff at the Office of Student Living blessed him by randomly assigning Jongin to be his freshman roommate, and sharing a double means seeing your roommate in his underwear on a regular basis—especially if that roommate is Jongin, who is not at _all_ shy about his (stunning) body.

It's more that Sehun's never had Jongin's damp, mostly naked body pressed up against his own or felt Jongin's warm breath on his neck, and certainly not both at the same time. Sehun makes a Herculean effort to control himself around Jongin—both because Jongin is his only real friend at school and because he doesn't want to have to find somewhere else to live midway through the semester—but for a nineteen-year-old who gets turned on at the drop of a hat, sometimes that's just not possible.

 _You are a terrible friend and also a terrible person_ , says a vicious little voice in the back of Sehun's head, but Sehun pulls his dick out of his underwear anyway and shimmies up toward his pillows, boxers bunching up around his thighs as he starts to stroke himself in earnest. Jongin is not at all like Sehun—that is, he is a good friend and a kind, decent person who in all likelihood is not jackin' it to thoughts of Sehun in the next room (much as Sehun wishes he were) because he is not a total creep.

The very tiny part of Sehun's brain that stages a protest whenever his self-loathing becomes too intense interrupts this train of thought. _You're not being a creep_ , he tells himself. _You actually care about him. Hell, you might even lo—_

He wills himself not to finish that thought, because thinking too hard about his feelings for Jongin will send him into a tailspin about how unrequited they are, and he _really_ doesn't feel like having a nervous breakdown right now. Instead, he rolls over, shoves his face into a pillow, and ruts into his fist, thinking about what he might have wanted to happen in that hallway a few minutes ago.

_Jongin's pressed up against him, one hand clutching Sehun's T-shirt, his breath warm on Sehun's neck. Sehun slowly turns his head to the left, his gaze flicking down to Jongin's full lips for the briefest of moments before the two of them lock eyes. Jongin's grip on his shirt loosens, and Sehun's afraid he might step away again, but then he's holding Sehun's face in his hands and leaning in to kiss him._

_Sehun's heart thumps, and he tentatively slides a hand around the back of Jongin's neck, the other settling at Jongin's bare waist. Jongin inhales sharply, his tongue flicking at the seam of Sehun's lips, and Sehun opens eagerly for him, a little whimper vibrating unbidden in the back of his throat when Jongin's tongue slides against his. The hand on Jongin's waist drops to his hip and slides around to his back, fingertips pressing into the towel just above the swell of his ass, and Jongin gasps._

_Sehun can feel Jongin's cock beginning to stiffen where it's pressed against his thigh, and his entire head suddenly feels like it's on fire. He breaks the kiss, but before Jongin can protest, Sehun drops to his knees and just barely slides his fingertips under the towel where it's wrapped around Jongin's hips. He looks up at Jongin, who returns his gaze with such intensity it makes Sehun want to look away._

_"Can I?"_

_Jongin sucks his lower lip into his mouth and nods, backing into the wall. Sehun untucks the towel from around Jongin's hips and lets it pool around his ankles. He doesn't immediately reach for Jongin's cock; instead, he presses his nose into the thin trail of hair beneath Jongin's navel and inhales, pursing his lips there before dotting kisses along the V of muscle on either side of Jongin's hips leading down to his groin. He smiles to himself at the way Jongin's flesh trembles under his lips—maybe he’s ticklish—and finally pulls back, looking up at Jongin through his eyelashes as he wraps a hand around the base of Jongin's erection and lifts it to his lips, kissing the tip before sinking his mouth down onto it as far as he can._

_Jongin's head_ thunks _against the wall, and he weaves a hand into Sehun's hair as he moans his name—_

Sehun muffles his groan with the pillow, his hips jerking erratically as come spills over his fist and between his fingers. He flings his clean hand out once his orgasm subsides, groping for a handful of tissues from the box on his nightstand to clean up the mess before the stain on his sheets can set too badly, then tucks himself back into his boxers and rolls onto his back, not really caring that he can feel the wet spots through the back of his T-shirt.

_I deserve this._

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun texts Baekhyun later that night after Jongin leaves for an evening class and Sehun can safely drag his dirty sheets to the laundry room, asking if he can come over after class on Friday afternoon. Baekhyun responds in the affirmative almost immediately, in his usual emoji-heavy style. A minute later, Sehun gets another message:

**Baekhyun** |  _7:42 p.m._ : | Jongdae's gonna be here too, jsyk—we were planning on getting takeout and watching a bunch of ridiculous movies 🎬🎥🍿  
---|---|---  
**Sehun** |  _7:44 p.m._ : | Sounds fun. See you tmw at 5  
  
Sehun pouts to himself. Jongdae's a little caustic at the best of times, and ever since Junmyeon graduated and Jongdae stopped getting laid on a regular basis, he's back to being the cranky little shit Sehun first met through Lu Han last year.

 _Lu Han_. Sehun scrolls through his messages and opens up their thread, firing off a new text:

**Sehun** |  _7:47 p.m._ : | Why the fuck did you have to go and graduate???  
---|---|---  
  
He leaves his phone on his bed and goes down to the basement to put his linens in the dryer, and there's a couple new messages when he returns.

**Lu Han** |  _7:50 p.m._ : | Remember last year when you hated my guts for half a semester? I want to go back in time and show Shitty Freshman Brat Sehun this message and watch his head explode  
---|---|---  
  |  _7:52 p.m._ : | Anyway, I know this is just your dumb tsundere way of saying you miss me, so: back atcha, kid. You OK? I can Skype for a bit if you want.  
**Sehun** |  _7:54 p.m._ : | a) stfu  
  |  _7:54 p.m._ : | b) yes pls  
  
Sehun pulls his computer out of his backpack and flops against the pillows at the head of his bed, propping his laptop against his tented knees. Lu Han logs in after a couple minutes, and Sehun sends him a video call invite.

Lu Han accepts and Sehun waves when his old mentor's face fills his computer screen. "Hey. How're things at MIT?"

Lu Han had been accepted to the highest-ranked architecture graduate program in the country and he'd somehow managed to wangle himself a teaching assistantship (and thus discounted tuition _and_ a stipend) as well. "Interesting," he says, after a pause. "I'm learning a lot, but also I have more work than any human can possibly complete in three and a half years, so…" A slightly manic giggle escapes his mouth. "Ask me again when finals roll around. Boston's cool, though. You should come visit sometime. It's only a couple of hours away."

"Maybe in the spring. Isn't winter supposed to be hell there?" Sehun asks. Having grown up in California, he's still not entirely sure that it's worth suffering through the waking nightmare that is winter in New England just to be three thousand miles away from his family for three-quarters of the year.

Lu Han rolls his eyes. "It is literally all anyone talks about here. This city is one giant 'winter is coming' meme. Spring's probably better, though, timing-wise. And I'll be in your neck of the woods next weekend, anyway."

Sehun perks up. "Yeah?"

"Homecoming, duh." Lu Han props his elbows on his desk and rests his chin in his hands. "Same weekend as Halloween, and Xing says I'm dead to him if I miss his party—which, like, nice try, Yixing, but you will never be rid of me—so I'll be in town for a few days to corrupt the youth and mentor any wayward souls I happen to encounter, y'know, to atone for buying beer for nineteen-year-olds or whatever." He grins. "But you've got me on the line now, so if you need any advice, now's the time to ask."

Sehun sighs. "Most of my issues are Baekhyun Problems these days."

"Ah, yeah, that sucks." Lu Han sucks on the inside of his cheek. "How is my successor doing, anyway?"

Baekhyun had sort of adopted Sehun last fall after Lu Han suggested that he could help Sehun with his boy troubles. This had suited everyone very well, as Lu Han wasn’t experienced in this particular arena—and was the last person who should be giving relationship advice to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation—and Baekhyun had been dying to take Sehun under his wing from the moment he clapped eyes on Lu Han's then-reluctant mentee.

"He's good. I texted him a little earlier and he invited me to hang out with him and Jongdae tomorrow night at his and Chanyeol's apartment."

"Oooh." Lu Han's smile looks positively diabolical. "I have a secret you can use to placate Jongdae if he starts acting up."

Spending too much time around both Lu Han and Baekhyun means he's developed a taste for gossip, so Sehun sits up in bed with a conspiratorial grin. "Do tell."

"Okay. So. You know Junmyeon's from Boston, right?" Sehun nods. "He's living in New York right now, but he came home for a visit last weekend 'cause it was his dad's birthday or something, and he knows I'm right across the river—literally, it's a ten-minute bike ride between my apartment and his parents' brownstone in Back Bay—you don't know what that is, but you have to be filthy rich to _rent_ a place in that neighborhood, let alone _own_ one, so that tells you a little about his family." He pauses, ostensibly to take a breath and remind himself of what he was actually getting at. "Anyway, we met up for drinks and I found out that he is also going to be in town for Homecoming. I also know that Jongdae does _not_ know this. So. Do with that information what you will."

"Thank _god_ ," Sehun drawls. "He's always so much more pleasant when Junmyeon's around."

"Yeah, 'cause he's getting fucked eight ways from Sunday," Lu Han snorts, then laughs when he sees how flustered Sehun gets. "Man, for a person harboring so many dirty thoughts about his roommate, you sure are a prude."

"Dude!" Sehun covers his face. "I'm going to murder Baekhyun."

"I was just speculating, but now I feel like I need to call Baek and get some scoop," Lu Han snickers.

"I'm hanging up now," Sehun says flatly.

"Aw, come on, Sehun, I'm only kidding." Lu Han leans back in his desk chair, hands behind his head. "Baekhyun doesn't tell me anything like that." He pauses. "Well, not about you, anyway. Jongdae's fair game, though."

Sehun shudders. He's heard enough about Jongdae's sex life for ten lifetimes.

"Anyway, I should get going," Lu Han says, yawning. "I have a project I need to do some last-minute fixes on before tomorrow morning."

"Okay." Sehun pauses for a moment, struggling to find the right words. "I know you're super busy, so, seriously, thanks for indulging me. I really needed this today."

"Anytime." Lu Han smiles. "I'll see you soon, all right?"

Sehun nods and waves at the camera as Lu Han ends the call, then looks at the timer he set on his phone: half an hour until his laundry's done.

He pushes his computer aside with a groan and digs in his backpack for his lit survey textbook. Might as well get some reading done in the meantime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, sekai nation! sekaists! whatever we're out here calling ourselves! please accept my humble contribution to the wealth of good fic written for this ship. i hope you like it! if you hit that handy subscribe button at the top right corner of the page, you'll get an email every time a new chapter is posted (fridays, most likely in the morning). smash that kudos button if you like what you're reading so far, and if you have a spare moment, i'd absolutely love it if you left a comment. i really enjoy talking to readers, so even if it's just a few words, i'd love to hear from you.
> 
> [apparently january has been dubbed [fanfic comment writing month](https://faficowrimo.tumblr.com/post/180807127834/about), so i'm trying to do my part by commenting on everything i'm reading this month, too. if you're the type of person (like me) who doesn't like being told what to do, i totally get it. the more someone tells me to do something totally voluntary, the less likely i am to do it. (my mom finally stopped badgering me to watch _this is us_... but it's still not gonna happen.)]
> 
> as a general note, i feel like this fic is a lot more emotion-driven and introspective than a lot of my other fics, especially ones in this AU, but i'm also a much more introspective person now than i was when i started writing in this AU back in 2012, so… hope y'all are into that kind of thing. don't worry—it has lots of light and cute moments! if anything, it's the cute shit that's gratuitous in this story rather than the sex scenes. but there are also parts that delve into what it's like to have an anxious brain (spoiler: it suuuuuucks!), and those parts can be kind of sad to read, so i think it's important to have some moments where everything is soft cute boys and nothing hurts. above all, though, it's a story about personal growth and facing your fears and falling in love, and i don't think it's a spoiler to say it's gonna end happily. (everything i write has a happy ending because real life's hard enough already, lmao.)
> 
> one last note before i shut up and post this (and i swear to god the notes will be WAY shorter going forward): i really love music (it's why i got into k-pop; not for the cute boys, shockingly enough), so as i was writing certain songs came to mind, and i thought i would make note of them in the notes for each chapter. the title of the story is a lyric from "s.o.s. in bel air" by phoenix [[x](https://genius.com/1539256)], which i thought pretty perfectly encapsulated sehun's internal conflict at the outset of the fic. (continuing a theme, i guess—the fic that precedes this one, armistice, is the title of [another phoenix song](), but i chose that one for the title alone; the meaning of the song has no bearing on the content of the fic.) i'll put together a spotify playlist with all of them and link it in the final chapter! (don't wanna spoil anything before then.)
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)


	2. october 24, a friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are some references to depression and anxiety in this chapter—nothing serious, but thought i'd make mention of it anyway.
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)

It starts to rain while Sehun's walking to the apartment Baekhyun shares with his boyfriend, Chanyeol. As usual, he forgot to check the forecast and doesn't have an umbrella on him. (A great metaphor for his life, he thinks.) Nothing ruins an afternoon like wet socks, so he's out of breath from sprinting the last quarter-mile when he rings the doorbell.

Baekhyun opens the door and his face lights up when he sees Sehun. "Hey! Good timing. We're just getting ready to order dinner. Indian okay with you?"

Sehun nods, his eyes crinkling up a little as he matches Baekhyun's smile with one of his own, the kind that makes him look, in Lu Han's words, "like a fucking emoji." It's a side effect of being around Baekhyun, who is by far the cutest person Sehun has ever met. Sehun's been a little bit in love with him ever since their chance meeting during his freshman year, and he knows the feeling is mutual, even though Baekhyun is revoltingly in love with his boyfriend, Chanyeol. It's difficult for Sehun to put in words, but his feelings for Baekhyun aren't romantic in the least. (That being said, he would absolutely suck face with Baekhyun—just for the hell of it—if he weren't absolutely certain that Chanyeol would have a stroke over it.)

Baekhyun tends to describe Sehun as a combination of little brother and beloved pet. It sounds weird, and to onlookers (Chanyeol, in particular) it is weird, but Baekhyun likes having someone to spoil and boss around and give advice to, and Sehun likes having someone he can whine at and enjoy a platonic cuddle with and be aggressively cute toward. They're both extremely susceptible to each other's charms, to the point where Sehun's starting to think that the reason Jongdae is around so often isn't that he's Baekhyun's best friend—it's that Chanyeol wants there to be a buffer so Sehun can't steal his boyfriend.

Sehun toes his shoes off by the door and drops his backpack next to them, then flops on the couch, stretching his legs out as he puts on his best shit-eating grin. "Hi, Jongdae," he says in a singsong voice, crossing his ankles daintily in Jongdae's lap.

"Do you like your toes where they are?" Jongdae doesn't look up from his phone. "Because I guarantee you won't like what's gonna happen to them if you don't get your feet off of me in the next three seconds."

Sehun rolls his eyes but moves his feet anyway, scooting them back to the middle cushion and tenting his knees. " _Hyuuuuung_ ," Sehun whines, deploying the honorific he reserves for Baekhyun alone—mostly when he's trying to suck up or be especially cute—as he reaches for the takeout menu sitting on the coffee table. "I seriously don't understand how someone as nice as you can be friends with Jongdae. He's literally the meanest person I've ever met."

Baekhyun walks out of the kitchen with a six-pack of beer and puts it on the coffee table, then sits directly on Jongdae's lap, leaning back against the arm of the couch and ignoring Jongdae's whine of protest. "Yeah, because you antagonize him all the time, you little shit."

Jongdae raises both of his middle fingers at Sehun with great satisfaction, but Baekhyun grabs hold of his left ear and pulls down on it _hard_. "Stop threatening my darling dongsaeng with bodily harm or I'm telling your boyfriend about that picture you 'accidentally' sent me over the summer."

Jongdae pales. "You wouldn't."

Baekhyun ruffles his hair. "You wanna take that bet?"

"I hate you," Jongdae sighs, slumping into the couch.

"No, you don't," Baekhyun chirps, throwing his arms around Jongdae's shoulders and squeezing. "I'm the best ride-or-die you could possibly ask for."

"Your friendship is so inspiring," Sehun deadpans, but he realizes he's made a mistake too late to dodge the slaps Jongdae and Baekhyun simultaneously land on both of his shins. The two seniors immediately dissolve into laughter at their identical responses.

Sehun hears the jingle of keys and the telltale _thunk_ of the deadbolt as Jongdae loops his arms around Baekhyun's waist and squeezes him back. "To answer your question, Sehun," Baekhyun says as the front door swings open and slams shut, "Jongdae's not just my best friend. We're like two halves of the same person. He's basically my soulmate."

"Well," a deep voice says from across the room, "that is just hurtful."

Sehun sits up on the couch, pulling his knees in toward his chest, and puts a hand over his mouth to mask the smirk on his face as Baekhyun bends backward in Jongdae's arms to flash an upside-down smile at his boyfriend. "Hi, Chanyeol!" he chirps.

Chanyeol kicks his sneakers off and walks into the living room, his mouth in a line. The crew team must have been lifting this afternoon, because Chanyeol's hair and T-shirt are damp with sweat and rain.

(Sehun _definitely_ understands what Baekhyun sees in Chanyeol—on a physical level, at any rate.)

"It was only a matter of time before he found out the truth, Baek," Jongdae sighs dramatically.

Baekhyun pulls his ear again until he whines, then wriggles free of his grasp and kneels on the middle cushion. Chanyeol grips the back of the couch with one hand on either side of Baekhyun's body and narrows his eyes, his expression still serious.

Sehun watches the smile on Baekhyun's face fade to a more neutral expression before gradually morphing into one of concern, his eyes widening ever so slightly. Chanyeol remains unmoved.

Sehun can almost hear the gears clicking in Baekhyun's head. _Oh boy, here it comes._

Looking at the pout that takes over Baekhyun's face is like staring at the sun. Jongdae groans into his hands and Sehun slumps into the couch with a hand over his heart. He looks at Chanyeol, who is doing an admirable job of keeping a straight face, but then Baekhyun's lip actually _wibbles_ and he's done for, grinning helplessly. Baekhyun cackles, but Chanyeol shuts him up, clutching his face with both hands and kissing him hard on the mouth.

"You two are revolting," Jongdae says, and Sehun mimes gagging. This is one of the only subjects he and Jongdae are able to commiserate on. Still, as saccharine as this tableau may be, Sehun finds himself a little envious. He'd be happy if someone loved him even half as much as Chanyeol adores Baekhyun, though he'd rather eat glass than admit it.

"We're ordering Indian," Baekhyun says when Chanyeol finally releases him. "You want the usual?"

"Yep, and don't forget—"

"Extra garlic cheese naan and samosas." Baekhyun quirks an eyebrow at him and smirks. "You act like I don't even know you."

"You're the best," Chanyeol sighs happily. He drapes his arms around Baekhyun's shoulders and leans in to kiss him again, more gently this time.

" _Grooooosssss_ ," Jongdae whines, earning a punch in the arm from Baekhyun for his trouble.

Baekhyun pulls back from the kiss with a laugh and shoves Chanyeol toward the bathroom. "Ugh, you stink. Hit the showers."

"Yes, sir." Chanyeol backs away, wiggling his eyebrows before he disappears into the hallway.

Baekhyun sinks into the couch and swivels around so he's facing forward, then grabs his laptop off of the coffee table, opening it and pulling up the online order website for his favorite takeout place. "You guys are lucky I'm starving right now," he sighs, shaking his head, "or I'd have followed him right into that bathroom."

" _Baekhyun_ ," Sehun and Jongdae howl, scandalized and exasperated, respectively.

Baekhyun just laughs. "All right, what do you prudes want?"

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Baekhyun's movie nights usually have a theme, and this time it's raunchy spy movies. They've just finished watching _Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery_ , and _The Man from U.N.C.L.E._ and _Kingsman: The Secret Service_ are next on the list. Or would be, if anyone could peel themselves off the couch to change out the DVD.

"So… many… carbs," Sehun groans, having consumed more than his fair share of naan in addition to all the curry and rice he'd inhaled. "Can't move."

"Neither can I, obviously," Baekhyun says, looking down at him with a wry smile. Sehun's stretched out on the couch again, his head in Baekhyun's lap. "Jongdae, go put the other DVD in."

Chanyeol and Sehun had moved the coffee table out of the way after everyone had finished eating, so Jongdae is sprawled on the floor in front of the TV with a throw pillow under his head. He responds by raising one arm to give Baekhyun the finger.

"Well, seeing as Chanyeol bailed on us to go do _homework_ ," Baekhyun sighs, "one of us is going to have to get up eventually."

"I might be able to find the motivation if you scratch my head for a little bit," Sehun wheedles, leaning into Baekhyun's touch.

" _Fine_." Baekhyun rolls his eyes, but his lips curl in an indulgent smile as he sinks both his hands into Sehun's hair and gently drags his nails in tiny circles along Sehun's scalp. "Anyway, I've been meaning to ask you—what made you text me last night? Not that I mind having you over _at all_ ," he adds, pausing his scratching for a brief moment. "It's just that you don't usually invite yourself over. Everything okay?"

Sehun sighs. "I was just feeling extra creepy and terrible about Jongin and needed to get out of the house."

Baekhyun arches an eyebrow at him. "And why is that?"

Sehun's face scrunches up. "It's so embarrassing."

Jongdae laughs and rolls onto his stomach so he can actually see who he's talking to. "I guarantee you, whatever it is, Baekhyun's done worse."

"Unfortunately for me," Baekhyun says with a rueful smile, "that is probably true. But seriously, Sehun, this is a judgment-free zone."

"Speak for yourself," Jongdae snorts. Baekhyun aims a kick at him, misses, and fixes him with a baleful stare instead, and Jongdae sighs. "Right. No judgment here."

Sehun covers his face with his hands, but Baekhyun stops scratching his head and tugs them away, holding them in his own hands. He squeezes Sehun’s fingers in response to his groan of abject misery. "No more skritches until you spit it out."

"I hate you," Sehun whines, closing his eyes. "It’s just— I have a really overactive imagination and I just think it's, like, super wrong and gross to, uh… jerk off while thinking about your roommate when he's sleeping in the next room."

"That's it?" Jongdae lifts an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound so bad."

Baekhyun lets go of Sehun's hands and resumes his scalp massage. "There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about someone you like. I think everyone does that at one time or another."

"But it just feels so…" Sehun casts around for the right word. "I don't know—dishonest?" He relays the events of yesterday's head-on collision, adding, "It was just weird seeing him in the kitchen this morning and making small talk while I was thinking about how I had to wash my sheets last night because I lost my goddamn mind and couldn't stop thinking about ripping off that towel and sucking his dick." He freezes for a moment, then lets his body sag into the couch as he drags a hand over his face. "Aaaaand I didn’t really want to say that out loud, but here we are. How many beers have I had?"

"Two. You're not drunk." Jongdae sits up and scoots over to lean against the couch near Baekhyun's legs, resting his elbow on the cushion just beside Sehun's arm. "You're just super repressed. Believe me, I know _exactly_ what that's like."

Baekhyun makes a thoughtful sound and brushes Sehun's hair back from his forehead with his fingertips, scratching along his hairline. "You know, it's funny. I always wondered why the two of you act like a couple of angry cats around each other and now I get it. It's because you're the same fucking person."

Jongdae wrinkles his nose, but his face goes slack after he thinks about it for a moment, mouth hanging slightly open. "Oh, _shit_."

Baekhyun nods knowingly at him, but Sehun is still lost. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"He just saved you, like, thousands of dollars in therapy copays," Jongdae says. "Explain, Baek."

"All right, but just a few examples so I don't spend the entire night playing armchair psychologist," Baekhyun says, clearing his throat. "So. One thing I've noticed is that you're both extremely clingy and affectionate, but you act really closed off except in very specific circumstances."

"Like what?" Sehun demands.

Jongdae laughs. "Uh, like right the fuck now?"

Sehun pauses, considering this, then deflates. "Shit."

"Also, both of you act like you’re these mean, snarky assholes when really it’s just that you pretend not to give a shit about anything to downplay the fact that you actually care way too much about _everything_." Baekhyun looks between Jongdae and Sehun. "And you have all these terrible coping mechanisms to avoid actually, like… feeling your feelings?"

Sehun thinks about his first semester at college, how stressed out and unhappy he was and how he’d spent way too much time getting hammered on the weekends (and some weekdays, if he's being honest with himself), skipping class, and not doing his work on time, none of which had actually made him feel any better. If Lu Han hadn't annoyed him into catching up on all of his back work, he might have flunked out altogether.

" _Had_ ," Jongdae corrects Baekhyun, although he does draw a little check mark in the air with one finger. "I don't try to fuck the bad feelings away anymore." He pauses, the tiniest of smirks pulling at one corner of his mouth. "Not with randos, anyway."

"No, you don't," Baekhyun says, nodding slowly, "but now that I think of it, you don't really have a coping mechanism at all anymore. You just kind of wallow in misery for days at a time."

This sounds eerily familiar to Sehun. Jongdae is frowning and Sehun's not sure if it's aimed at Baekhyun or at Jongdae himself.

Baekhyun leans forward to give Jongdae's shoulder a squeeze, adding, "I'm not criticizing, Jongdae. I'm just making an observation."

"No, I know." Jongdae pillows his head on his arms, looking a little more subdued. "It's not like I haven't heard this kind of thing before. You're just a lot more blunt about it than Junmyeon was." This is clearly news to Baekhyun; his eyebrows shoot up in surprise, but Jongdae waves a hand and shakes his head. "It's not like we had a fight about it or anything. He just thinks I spend too much time trying to keep his spirits up and he doesn't like that I keep everything kinda bottled up."

Catching the expression on Sehun's face, he adds dryly, "Yeah, there's a distinct possibility that we might be clinically depressed."

"I didn't want to go there because I don't think a minor in psychology qualifies me to make those kinds of statements," Baekhyun says, looking between Jongdae and Sehun with concern in his eyes, "but it probably couldn't hurt to get screened."

Lu Han had very gently suggested the same thing last fall—phrasing it in a way that all but confirmed Sehun's suspicion that Lu Han had gone to Yixing for advice and then parroted said advice to Sehun, because subtlety has never been Lu Han's forte—when he was trying to help Sehun do damage control on his grades, but he dropped the subject and never brought it up again when Sehun told him to mind his own business (albeit in somewhat more colorful terms).

Sehun starts when Jongdae nudges him. "Sorry," he says, blinking a few times. "I was just… thinking."

"This is getting a little more intense than I meant it to," Baekhyun says, his mouth slightly downturned. "I didn't mean to upset anyone."

"I'm not upset," Sehun says, and he's not lying. "I just… never really thought about any of this before."

Jongdae glances up at Baekhyun. "Anything else to add to the list of reasons why we suck?"

"You don't suck! None of this makes you guys bad people." Baekhyun frowns at Jongdae. "But you're proving my next point. Both of you—but _especially_ you, Jongdae—tend to make jokes or be sarcastic or just act like a dick anytime you're uncomfortable, and a lot of that talk seems to be aimed at yourselves."

Sehun heaves a sigh as he sits up, shifting to sit cross-legged beside Baekhyun. "I see what you mean," he says after a few moments. "But I don't think I'm that much of a jerk. Not anymore, anyway, and definitely not with people I really care about. Like, I don't even know how to be mean to Jongin. I've seen him upset about stuff before and it just gives me this sick, cold feeling in my gut. I hate it."

"That's because you haven't evolved into your final form yet." Jongdae points his thumbs at his own chest with a grim smile. "I used to be _such_ an asshole to Junmyeon before I finally got the fuck over myself."

"Do you miss him a lot?" Sehun asks. "Junmyeon, I mean."

"Yep." Jongdae hauls himself up onto the couch next to Sehun, folding one leg under himself and pulling the other close to his chest so he can prop his chin on one knobbly kneecap. "Like, all the time. I mean, he was always in my orbit before we got together because we have mutual friends and we were both on staff at the newspaper from the time I was a freshman, so going from having him around a lot to having him around all the time for a couple of months to having him around almost none of the time… it fucking _sucks_." His jaw tightens a little bit. "And then I get mad at myself for moping about it because it's my own goddamn fault things ended up this way in the first place. I could have had more time with him if I wasn't in denial for, like, a year and a half." He catches Sehun's eyebrows creeping toward his hairline and adds, "Yeah. My personal life is one giant cautionary tale."

The three of them are quiet for a minute, watching the film clips looping on the DVD menu. 

"I talked to Lu Han last night," Sehun says abruptly, Jongdae’s candor reminding him of his Skype call with Lu Han. Startled, Baekhyun and Jongdae both jump a little when he starts talking, but Jongdae looks up when Sehun nudges him. "He told me something you might find interesting."

Jongdae seems torn between suspicion and curiosity. "What?"

Sehun allows himself a little smile, curious to see Jongdae's reaction. "I guess Junmyeon's gonna be here for Homecoming and Yixing's Halloween party after all."

Jongdae's mouth drops open, then snaps shut. "If Lu Han is fucking with me, I'm getting on a bus to Boston tonight and they will never find his body."

With a snort of laughter, Sehun shakes his head. "No, no, this is legit. They met up for drinks last week when Junmyeon was in town and I guess it came up because Lu Han mentioned he'd be here next weekend, too."

"I'm seriously going to kill him," Jongdae laughs through a groan, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes. "He told me he couldn't come because he had some kind of weekend seminar to attend."

"Yeah, I think it was supposed to be a surprise," Sehun admits, feeling a little guilty.

"Sure, but then he goes and tells Lu Han, who couldn't keep a secret even if someone paid him a million dollars to do it?" Jongdae makes a clicking noise with his tongue. "He's so smart, but _god_ , he's so dumb sometimes."

"Don't let on that you know!" Baekhyun looks alarmed. "If people start realizing Lu Han is a sieve where secrets are concerned, I'll never get any good scoop ever again."

"Obviously I won't." Jongdae flaps a hand dismissively at Baekhyun and turns his head to look curiously at Sehun. "So, you let the cat out of the bag because, what, you thought I needed a pick-me-up?"

Sehun suddenly feels like he's walked into a trap. "… Yes?"

Jongdae's still looking at him oddly, but he glances away briefly to catch Baekhyun's eye. "You know, Baek, I think I finally understand what you see in this kid," he says, leveling that piercing stare at Sehun again, just for a moment, before reaching over to pull him into a hug.

That was probably the last thing Sehun expected from this exchange, let alone this entire night, but this has been an evening full of revelations.

"Sorry for being such a jag all the time," Jongdae says, the words slightly muffled by Sehun's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, too," Sehun says, and he means it. He slides his arms around Jongdae's middle and pats him on the back a few times. Jongdae gives him a squeeze and lets him go, ruffling Sehun's hair with a grin as he eases back into his seat.

Sehun would have thought Baekhyun would be squealing about how— _finally_ —two of the people he loves most have stopped hating each other, but he's been uncharacteristically quiet.

Sehun taps him on the head. "Everything okay in there?"

Baekhyun just studies him for a moment, then hooks his left arm through Sehun's right and rests his head against Sehun's shoulder. "You're a really good kid, Sehun, and you should let more people see that in you."

" _Hyuuuuuung_ …" Sehun puts a hand over his face, feeling very emotional all of a sudden. "I want to, sometimes, but it's just… really hard for some reason. Like, with Jongin… I like him a lot, obviously, and I want him to see the things about me that are good, _obviously_ , but it's like I'm too afraid to go beyond the surface with him because I don't even know if he's into guys, and at this point I'm too afraid to find out, because if he doesn't, it'll kill me, and if he does, then eventually it's going to become obvious I have a thing for him and he's not going to feel the same way because, let's be real, Jongin is _way_ too cool and funny and hot and perfect for someone like me to have a realistic chance—"

"Stop right there," Baekhyun says, deadly serious, and before Sehun can say anything in response, Baekhyun is on his feet and leaning over him, one hand braced against the back of the couch as he wags a finger in Sehun's face. Sehun hears a door open somewhere behind him, but he thinks it's a bad idea to look away from Baekhyun at the moment. "First of all, don't talk about my friend Sehun like that, because he doesn't deserve it. As for the other stuff: If Jongin's straight, that's really going to suck for a while, but you _will_ get over it eventually. And if he's into guys and not into you, then he has terrible taste in men because you are the cutest human being that has ever walked the earth, and if Chanyeol weren't in the picture and you weren't, like, y'know, my little brother, I'd be on you like white on rice."

"I realize you're giving a pep talk right now," Chanyeol says loudly, closing the refrigerator door and sticking his head out of the kitchen doorway, "but, like, again. _Hurtful._ "

Baekhyun straightens and looks up, putting a hand on his hip. "If you're going to be weird and territorial, Chanyeol, the least you can do is come over here and actually stake your claim."

"Nah, you're busy." Chanyeol cracks open a bottle of water and takes a couple gulps, then drags the back of his hand across his mouth with a smirk. "You can make it up to me later."

Baekhyun's lips curl into an identical smirk, and there's a mischievous glint in his eyes as he watches Chanyeol head back into the bedroom. He looks down at Sehun after the door closes. "Where was I?"

"Oh, you mean before you started eyefucking your boyfriend? You were trying to give a pep talk," Jongdae supplies helpfully.

"Right." Baekhyun clearly chooses to ignore the first part of that statement. "What I'm saying is, you are extremely fuckable and Jongin has very bad taste if he can't recognize that."

Sehun's chest is suddenly tight with anxiety. "Okay, but that opens up, like, a whole new can of worms."

Baekhyun shakes his hair out of his eyes with a slight frown. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I've never done _anything_ ," Sehun says, his mouth beginning to feel dry. "Like, with another person."

Baekhyun's mouth falls open and he's speechless for a few seconds. "Okay," he says slowly, "so, when you say _anything_ , do you mean you've never been kissed, either?"

"Well, I'm not a _complete_ hopeless case," Sehun says defensively, but then his face falls. "Although, now that I think about it, it was mostly with girls, back before I realized they weren't really, uh, my thing. I vaguely remember making out with a guy at a party last year, but I was pretty drunk and all I remember is him using his tongue _very_ aggressively and, like, somehow sucking the air out of my mouth? It was like getting the Dementor's Kiss."

"So you're worried Jongin will be turned off by your lack of experience?" Jongdae guesses.

"Bingo." Sehun sighs for what feels like the hundredth time this evening. "I have no idea what I'm doing. Who would even want to bother with me? I mean, it's kind of pathetic, right?"

"Sehun, what the hell did I just say?" Baekhyun gently cuffs Sehun over the head with the back of his hand. "Stop talking about yourself like that! Literally everyone has been a virgin at one time or another and somehow the human race is still kicking. Anyone who would give you shit over that is an asshole."

Jongdae nods in agreement. "And look on the bright side: you won't have to unlearn any weird sexual habits because you don't have any to begin with!"

"I think what Jongdae is saying is that sometimes it's kinda fun to play teacher and mold someone into your ideal partner." Baekhyun rolls his eyes with a little laugh. "And yeah, there are some weirdos out there who _only_ want to fuck virgins, but those people are mostly straight guys who have _deeply_ fucked-up beliefs about women, so I don't think it's something you'll have to worry about."

"Right, yeah, that's what I meant," Jongdae says, waving a hand at Baekhyun. "Anyway, this is the perfect time for you to fool around a little and get some, uh, practice. I'm not saying you have to fuck the first guy who'll have you—in fact, you absolutely should _not_ do that—but, like, if you graduate without having had at least one rushed sexual encounter in a semi-public place, did you really even go to college at all?"

"That's enough out of you, Kierkegaard," Baekhyun snorts, flopping back onto the couch and draping one leg across Sehun's lap. "He's not totally off-base, though. Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if an opportunity arises—" Jongdae stifles a laugh, and Baekhyun rolls his eyes and reaches out to swat at him. "You're such a fucking child, Jongdae. _Anyway_." He looks at Sehun. "If an opportunity presents itself and you feel good about it, go for it."

"You could also just watch a bunch of porn for inspiration." Jongdae smiles wickedly. "But the hands-on approach is more fun."

"And he says _I'm_ trash," Baekhyun mutters to Sehun, who grins. "Anyway, was any of this even a little helpful?"

Sehun considers their suggestions. He's got feelings for Jongin, but it's not like he's the only man Sehun's ever been attracted to on a purely physical level. Just off the top of his head, he's able to come up with a handful of guys on campus that he'd gladly feel up in the bathroom at a house party.

"Yeah, actually," Sehun answers, finally. "I feel a little better. Getting all of this shit off my chest helps a lot. You're the best, seriously."

"Hey, I helped, too!" Jongdae protests as Baekhyun drags Sehun down for a hug.

"I guess," Baekhyun says skeptically, biting back a grin as he ruffles Sehun's now completely disheveled hair.

Sehun pushes a hand into Baekhyun's face and smiles at Jongdae. "You really did. I'm glad we understand each other a little better." He turns on the charm, flashing his emoji smile as he frames his jawline in a V shape with his hands. "And now I have _two_ fairy godfathers!"

"First of all, that is so offensive," Jongdae says, but he's only barely keeping a straight face. "And second of all, that shit does _not_ work on me."

Sehun makes doe eyes at Jongdae and rests his chin on Jongdae's shoulder. "Please take care of me, hyung."

Jongdae cracks up and puts Sehun in a headlock, giving him a half-hearted noogie. "Baekhyun, you've created a monster."

"No," Baekhyun sniffs, wiping an imaginary tear from his face. "This… this is my magnum opus."

"I should have just put the DVD in when you told me to," Jongdae sighs, feigning weariness. He lets go of Sehun and stands up, grabbing the two DVD cases and holding them up. "Are we in a Colin Firth mood or an Armie Hammer mood?"

"Mmmm, gimme some of that Red Peril," Baekhyun says.

"No, no, it's far too perilous!" Jongdae puts a hand on his chest in shock.

"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril!" Baekhyun begs, affecting a terrible British accent.

"No, no, it's unhealthy," Jongdae protests in an equally terrible accent, putting _The Man from U.N.C.L.E._ into the DVD player.

"I bet you're gay!" Baekhyun snickers.

Jongdae hits play on the remote and sprawls out on the carpet again, his voice heavy with sarcasm when he says, "Ding ding ding, we have a winner!"

"We didn't even plan that bit." Baekhyun flashes a smug smile at Sehun, who's stretched out on the couch again, head once more in Baekhyun's lap. "We're just that good."

Sehun stares back blankly. "I don't know what the fuck you're even talking about."

" _What?_ " Baekhyun cries, aghast. "Okay, I was going to continue the Armie Hammer theme with _Call Me by Your Name_ next time because that scene with the peach fits in with the fruit-fucking scenes in _American Pie_ and _Girls' Trip_ , but it looks like we have to do a Monty Python movie marathon instead. No protégé of mine is gonna go through life not understanding _Holy Grail_ references."

Sehun still has no idea what Baekhyun is talking about, but he feels happy knowing Baekhyun likes him enough to keep him around despite his cultural ignorance. It's nice to feel wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter was basically the council of elrond from _the fellowship of the ring_ (i.e., a bunch of exposition told by men sitting around and talking), but hopefully it was entertaining. things should pick up a bit from here, and don't worry—jongin will be back in the next chapter!
> 
> thanks so much to [katya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/incroyableirreel/pseuds/incroyableirreel) for looking this over; your comments are always very insightful and have the added benefit of cracking me the hell up. <3
> 
> i didn't have a song picked for this chapter at first, but i was scrolling through my itunes library earlier this week and i thought bastille's "[overjoyed](https://open.spotify.com/track/0DXSFW60giCV8wC26lBaMf)" fit the mood pretty well, so i added it to the playlist!
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading! hit that kudos button if you're liking the story so far, and if you have thoughts on it, i'd be happy to read your comments. :) have a good weekend, everyone!!


	3. october 27, a monday • halloween, a friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)

The weekend high never lasts long enough. Sehun gets an email from his dad on Sunday evening asking about his midterm grades and nagging him about deciding on a major (and it's heavily implied that it better be something useful, _or else_ ), and on Monday afternoon, he gets a similar (if less emotionally charged) message from his faculty adviser, who is also the instructor for his lit survey course:

> _Hi Sehun,_
> 
> _Just a friendly reminder that class registration for next semester starts in two weeks! In the meantime, it would probably behoove you to start thinking about what you'd like to study so you can get a jump start on the prerequisites for that major before you start your junior year._
> 
> _Let's meet during the advising period next week to talk about your goals and what you might like to do after college so we can get you into a program here that will help you achieve said goals. I know that this is a lot to consider, but don't think of it as though we're planning out your entire future—it's completely fine if you don't really know what you want right now. I am happy to help you brainstorm._
> 
> _My office hours are in my email signature below. Please let me know what date and time would work best for you._

Sehun really wants to delete this email and pretend he never got it, but that's the kind of shit Lu Han made him stop doing last year, and he really doesn't want to backslide like that. He requests an appointment at 3 p.m. the following Thursday, then closes his laptop and goes into the living room. He sprawls out on the floor and stares up at the ceiling fan, wondering if all the dysfunction in his life stems from some kind of curse, or if it's just that he's a total failure as a student, as a son, as a roommate, as a potential boyfriend…

He dozes off unintentionally and wakes up disoriented and unusually warm. It's mostly dark in the living room, but Sehun can tell there's light coming out of the kitchen behind him. He pushes himself up on one elbow, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his free hand, and he realizes that there's a fleece blanket draped over his body. Turning his head toward the soft clacking sound coming from somewhere to his right, he sees that his roommate is lying on the couch, typing on his laptop propped against his bent knees.

Jongin must have caught Sehun's movement out of the corner of his eye, because he glances over with a little smile. "Hey, sleepyhead. Rough day?"

"What—" Sehun is overcome by a massive yawn. "Sorry, what time is it?"

"A little after six. I got home about an hour ago," Jongin says, peering at the digital clock on his computer screen. "You scared the crap out of me for a minute there," he adds, laughing at himself. "I walked in and you were on the floor and I thought you were unconscious or something, but then you moved a little and I realized you were just sleeping. I figured you must have needed it, so I didn't want to wake you up, but it was kind of cold out here, so…" He gestures vaguely at the blanket.

"Shit, I was out for two full hours?" Sehun groans and slumps back onto the carpeting, rolling onto his side so he can still see Jongin. He bunches up a corner of the blanket to use as a pillow and realizes that it doesn't belong to him. "Is this yours?"

Jongin runs a hand through his hair with a sheepish laugh. "Yeah. We didn't have anything out here and I didn't want to ransack your room."

Sehun buries his face in it under the pretense of still being sleepy and takes a deep breath. It smells like Jongin's detergent and maybe just the faintest bit like the cologne he usually wears. Jongin always smells good. Sehun would really like to get up, take the computer out of his lap, drape himself over Jongin's body, and smell his neck.

"Thanks," he says instead, opening his eyes and smiling at Jongin. "And to answer your question, yeah. Mondays suck ass."

Jongin closes his laptop and sits up, leaving the computer on the couch cushion and sliding down to sit on the floor with his back against the couch, arms wrapped around his bent knees. "Everything okay?"

That Jongin is concerned enough to stop what he's doing and focus on Sehun, just to make sure he's all right, already makes him feel a lot better.

"I mean, yeah, for the most part," Sehun sighs, his voice still slightly muffled by the blanket. "It's just that in less than twenty-four hours I got one email from my dad and another from my adviser, both harping on the fact that I have to somehow figure out what the fuck I want to do with the rest of my life at the age of nineteen. Dad more so than my adviser, but I'm still feeling a little under attack from all sides and it's only Monday."

"It really bums me out that your parents are so hard on you." Jongin's eyebrows are drawn together in an indignant frown. He pouts his lips just the slightest bit, and _god_ , Sehun wants to kiss him so badly it hurts. "You're a good person and you're doing the best you can. I feel like that's all anyone can really ask of anybody, especially their own kid."

Jongin's lucky. His mom is just about the nicest lady Sehun's ever met and all she wants is for her kids to do well _and_ be happy. Sehun's parents' philosophy is somewhat different: at best, it can be interpreted as _success begets happiness_ ; at worst, it's more like _happiness is optional._

"Well, I'm glad at least _someone_ can see I'm trying," Sehun grumbles. "Have you declared yet?"

Jongin laughs. "Nah. Too lazy to drag myself all the way over to the registrar to fill out the forms."

"But you know what you're gonna major in, right?" Sehun sits up and wraps the blanket around his shoulders like a cloak.

"Yeah. I can't remember if I told you this or not. You know I was always planning on declaring theater and dance, right?" Sehun nods. "My adviser convinced me to double in international studies just in case I can't get into an MFA program or get a job choreographing right out of school."

"Please, you're incredible," Sehun says, trying not to sound _too_ fervent while also feeling really irritated that there are people out there trying to poke holes in Jongin's dreams. "I bet you five hundred dollars that you're gonna have either a job offer or a place in a master's program by the time we graduate, and you can hold me to that."

"I'll take those odds," Jongin snorts. "Honestly, though, he's probably right. Having a backup plan doesn't mean you're giving up. And it probably helps to be well rounded."

"Jeez, maybe I should switch advisers," Sehun sighs, flopping back onto the carpet. "You've got two majors and I'm struggling to pick just one. Worst comes to worst, I guess I could just do English and pray that I'll find a job after I graduate. Pretty sure that's Jongdae's plan, anyway." He sits up again with a groan. "I hate thinking about the future. The only future I'm focused on right now is getting _fuuuucked uuuup_ at Yixing's party on Friday."

"Same. God, last Halloween was fucking _wild_. I can only imagine how this one's going to go." Jongin grins. "You settled on a costume yet?" 

Sehun nods. "It's probably kind of lame, but I look pretty good in it—not to brag or anything—so I don't give a fuck that it's an anime character." Jongin raises an eyebrow and opens his mouth, presumably to ask which one, but Sehun cuts him off with a teasing smile. "No, I'm not telling you who it is. I think you can manage to wait another four days to find out. Do you have a costume picked out?"

Jongin shakes his head. "I keep going back and forth between two options. I might just write both down and pick one out of a hat to save myself the trouble of choosing."

"Well, I'm sure whatever it is, it'll be good," Sehun says, a note of finality in his voice. His stomach growls and he realizes he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast. "Have you had dinner yet?"

"Nope. I figured I'd wait for you to get up. You wanna hit the dining hall?"

 _I love you_ , Sehun sighs internally. Every time Jongin does something thoughtful like that, it makes Sehun's heart feel like an overfilled balloon. It's the best feeling and yet somehow also the worst… kind of like being secretly in love with your best friend. "Yes please," is what he actually says, though, drawing out the final word as he peels himself off the floor to get ready.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

It feels like a century has passed by the time Friday rolls around, and the hours between his last class and the party seem to drag on and on. Most people aren't arriving until at least nine o'clock, but Lu Han texts Sehun at eight to tell him that he made it to Yixing's and that they're ordering pizza and hanging out before the party gets going, so he can swing over anytime.

Sehun feels a little silly walking across campus in his costume, but at least the mask sort of helps to shield his face. Lu Han mentioned that the front door of the apartment Yixing shares with Jongdae and Kyungsoo—a junior from Baekhyun and Jongdae's a cappella group whom Sehun doesn't know super well—would be unlocked, so Sehun lets himself in, entering the living room with a dramatic flourish. Only a handful of people have arrived so far—Lu Han, of course, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol, plus Yixing—so it's not as grand an entrance as he would have liked, but he's mollified by the few gasps he hears.

"Holy shit," Lu Han laughs, startled. "You couldn't have picked a better costume. I don't know why I never realized you and Mamoru Chiba looked alike."

"Wait, who are you supposed to be?" Chanyeol squints at him. "You look like a magician."

"I am the rose that slashes evil," Sehun says loftily, throwing his cloak over one shoulder. Chanyeol still looks lost. Sehun's shoulders sag. "I'm Tuxedo Mask. You know, from _Sailor Moon_?"

Sehun had already owned some of the components of the costume—a vest and a decent pair of dress shoes—but he had to make some adjustments to avoid breaking the bank. Considering his tight budget, Sehun still thinks he looks pretty great. He's wearing tight black jeans in lieu of tuxedo pants, a regular white button down instead of a fancy pleated one, and a white clip-on bow-tie (mostly because he doesn't know how to tie one himself), but he hit a couple of thrift stores and managed to find a really cool suit jacket, a cheap pocket watch, and something resembling a military medal that he could attach to the neck of his shirt. Chanyeol's not totally off-base about the magician vibe—Sehun had cannibalized a generic magician costume from Party City for the cloak, top hat, and white gloves—but anyone familiar with the anime would recognize him from the fake rose he's holding and the distinctive triangular mask over his eyes (a white domino mask he'd modified with an exacto knife).

"You look _fantastic_." Baekhyun stands up to get a better look at him. "I can't even be pissed that I'm not the best-looking person at this party anymore."

Lu Han shakes his head and makes a show of rolling his eyes, but he can't quite hold back a smile even as he's pointing to the door. "Get out."

"I missed you so much," Baekhyun sighs, plopping himself in Lu Han's lap and laughing when Lu Han shoves him over to the next couch cushion. He crosses his legs primly and gestures at himself and Chanyeol. "Sehun, guess who we are!"

Sehun rolls his eyes. "Gee, I wonder," he drawls, taking in his costume. Baekhyun's wearing a Pikachu kigurumi, but he's left the hood down in favor of painting the Pokémon's signature red electricity pouches on his cheeks. There's a headband with Pikachu's ears perched on his head to complete the look.

Meanwhile, Chanyeol's decked out as Ash Ketchum, Poké Balls and all. He mimes tossing one, grinning down at Baekhyun from his perch on the arm of the couch. "I choose you!"

" _Chuuu_ ~" Baekhyun coos, and Lu Han and Sehun make exaggerated gagging sounds in reply. Baekhyun tilts his face up toward Chanyeol's for a kiss, extending one arm to flip the bird at the two hecklers.

Sehun sits down between Lu Han and Baekhyun and pulls the mask down from his face so he can see a little more clearly. Lu Han is wearing the same costume he wore last year—his well-worn Cristiano Ronaldo Man U jersey—which probably explains why Yixing looks a little put out. Yixing _loves_ Halloween, and Lu Han's lack of commitment where costumes are concerned never ceases to disappoint him.

Sehun leans over Lu Han to look at Yixing, who's curled up in the mismatched armchair he and Lu Han had bought at a garage sale two years ago, when they first moved into this apartment. "I love your costume," Sehun says, looking him up and down.

Yixing is a Mondrian painting. Sehun's not sure which one because they pretty much all look the same to him, but the effect is really striking. He's wearing white jeans and a white T-shirt, both of which have been painted in Mondrian's style to create an irregular grid of black lines interspersed with red, blue, and yellow squares and rectangles. Even his white Keds are painted in the same style. His makeup is a similar pattern, but a little more understated; the grids cover only the top left and bottom right quadrants of his face, and the lines are much more delicate.

" _Suck-up!_ " Lu Han coughs loudly.

" _Asshole!_ " Sehun coughs in return, swatting him on the arm. "Seriously, Yixing, you look great. The makeup is a nice touch. Did you paint everything yourself?"

Yixing shoots a dirty look at Lu Han, then smiles brightly at Sehun. "Thanks! I like your costume, too. And yeah, I painted the clothes and shoes. The makeup was the hardest part—I had to redo the lines on my face a few times because my hand kept shaking, but I like how it turned out."

People gradually start trickling in. Junmyeon is the first to show up after Sehun arrives. He drops his stuff off in Jongdae's room and comes out with a puzzled look on his face.

"We made Jongdae go with Minseok to pick up the pizza, so he should be back any minute," Lu Han says. "Figured it'd be more fun this way. We'll all get to watch him drop everything he's holding to fling himself at you while Minseok has to dive to save the pizzas. Free entertainment!"

"Nah, I told Minseok not to let him carry anything besides the paper plates and napkins," Baekhyun says, taking the wind out of Lu Han's sails, "because I'm a good friend, unlike you, and also I don't want to eat pizza that Jongdae has trampled all over."

Sehun swats Lu Han's arm again. "Yeah, leave Jongdae alone. It's nice that Junmyeon is surprising him."

" _Wow_." Lu Han clutches his heart. "Et tu, Sehun?"

Sehun shrugs. "It just took me a while to realize we're really similar."

"That's almost exactly what Jongdae told me the other night." Junmyeon smiles curiously. "Anyway, I have to go put my costume on before he gets back."

He heads down the hall toward Jongdae's room, and Lu Han narrows his eyes at Baekhyun. "You've corrupted my minion."

Baekhyun's about to say something, but Sehun beats him to the punch, putting a hand on Lu Han's arm. "Lu Han, seriously, can you please not?"

At the insistent look on Sehun's face, Lu Han relents. "Fine. Sorry." He sighs. "I need a drink. Anyone else want a drink?"

Yixing shakes his head, but everyone else shouts orders at Lu Han, who stalks off to the kitchen with a grumble.

The front door opens again—Minseok and Jongdae are back with the food. Jongdae pokes his head into the living room and glances around, then catches Baekhyun's eye with a questioning look.

"He's in your room changing!" Sehun whispers loudly, feeling oddly excited for him, and Baekhyun points down the hallway with both arms like he's an air traffic controller. "Go, go, go!"

Jongdae's eyes widen and he immediately bolts out of the room. Baekhyun puts a finger to his lips and holds his other hand out to shut everyone up. Sehun hears a knock, a creaking door hinge, and a shout, and then the door slams shut and everyone cracks up.

Chanyeol grins. "Well, that's the last we see of them for a couple hours."

"Hopefully there'll still be some pizza left when they come up for air." Yixing heaves himself out of his chair and heads toward the kitchen. "But I'm about to dig into my stash of edibles, so I can't make any promises."

"All right, let's get some food into you, too." Baekhyun hauls Sehun off the couch, tugging Chanyeol along with them. "If you drink yourself into oblivion tonight, at least you won't wake up with a stomach ulcer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this was another short one, but the next chapter (the party) is about twice as long as this one and a lot happens in it, so i thought it deserved its own post. hopefully this will tide everyone over until then. ♥ i may do some restructuring going forward so that this will probably end up with fewer chapters than i had originally planned, but those chapters would be longer as a result. we'll have to see how long the (still, ugh) unfinished bits get. (the final chapter is already over 10k, i know that much.) at any rate—thank you to everyone who has been reading so far! it's been really nice to see that people are enjoying it. :3 if you have thoughts, i'd love to hear them! leave a kudos, a comment, a tweet… whatever tickles your fancy.
> 
> in case you're wondering, [these](https://learnodo-newtonic.com/piet-mondrian-famous-paintings) are some of the paintings piet mondrian is best known for, and [this](https://verusart.com/halloween-costumes-inspired-by-famous-paintings/) is sort of what i was envisioning for yixing's makeup (scroll down to #3). as for sehun's costume, well… i've never been an anime fan (with the exception of pokémon, as you might have guessed), but i kept seeing all of those [memes](https://imgur.com/5wblZuA) of him as tuxedo mask after busted came out and that made it way easier to come up with a costume for him. (i'm definitely in lu han's camp as far as halloween is concerned… call me the halloween grinch, lmao.) also, if you want to know what junmyeon and jongdae got up to after they disappeared, you should go read [help me keep these hours alive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16149848). (ugh, my OTP… casually going on dates in broad daylight in santiago, chile… and not taking a _single goddamn selfie_ , those cowards.)
> 
> this week's additions to the playlist: "[under attack](https://open.spotify.com/track/4nMrx6pa1vFGkk8rU6rreL)" by ABBA (don't @ me, they're fucking fantastic) and "[ulysses](https://open.spotify.com/track/1SXP53Ue7P7ZBiDeRUG9H4)" by franz ferdinand—the former because it pretty aptly describes sehun's emotional state in the first half, and the second because everyone's gearing up to go off the rails at the halloween party.
> 
> until next week, my doves! if you're in the US, enjoy the long weekend, and if not, enjoy the regular weekend! i'll see you guys next friday, same time, same place. 😘 in the meantime, feel free to hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or drop a line in my [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals).


	4. halloween, a friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)

Half the fun of any party thrown by Yixing is how quickly it devolves into a hot mess. Yixing helps out with the theater department's stage crew and set design team and always invites them (plus any theater kids within earshot), and they are _wild_. A group of them rolls up sometime after midnight—they must have hit another party first—and the house becomes noticeably louder and more crowded after they arrive.

Sehun, who's shed bits of his costume over the course of the evening—it's too hot to be wearing a jacket inside, and people kept stepping on his cloak and knocking his hat off while dancing—weaves through the throng of people gyrating in the dining room to refill his drink. He's been trying to pace himself, mostly because he doesn't want to be shitfaced by the time Jongin shows up, but being sober around a bunch of drunk kids quickly becomes tedious.

Sehun's rummaging through the fridge trying to find something that isn't PBR when someone behind him says, "Oh, hey, there you are!"

Sehun grabs a can of alcoholic flavored sparkling water, mostly for the novelty factor, and whirls around. It takes him a moment to tell who he's looking at. " _Jongin?_ "

He laughs. "Yeah, it's me. Can you tell what I am?"

Sehun studies him for a minute. He's wearing a black-and-white striped T-shirt, black pants (very tight ones, Sehun notes with appreciation), and a beret, and there's a little French flag badge pinned near the collar of his shirt. The reason Sehun didn't recognize him at first is because he's got face paint on like those guys from that band… _What the fuck are they called? … oh, right, KISS._

He tries to look like he's thinking really hard—and he is, really—as he trails his eyes down Jongin's body, enjoying the view while he tries to figure out Jongin's costume. Some kind of heavy metal mime? But the stripes and the beret are also kind of French, and there's that flag pin. France, KISS, kissing, French… _oh_. He grins at Jongin. "You're a French kiss, right?"

"Yes!" Jongin throws his hand up for Sehun to high-five, which he does. "You're only, like, the third person tonight who's gotten that without me having to explain the joke."

"Well, I'm nothing if not an intellectual, Jongin," Sehun jokes, sticking his nose in the air. "That is really clever, though. You should definitely show Yixing if you haven't seen him already. I bet he'll get a kick out of it."

"I did, but all he did was nod and then told me to go tell Lu Han, 'This is how you Halloween, bitch!'" Jongin looks utterly perplexed.

Sehun's starting to get that warm, fuzzy feeling in his head, and also he can't feel his arms. He puts a hand on Jongin's shoulder and leans in, dropping his voice. "Lu Han phoned it in again this year, and Yixing takes Halloween _verrrrry_ seriously."

"I see." Jongin laughs and steps back to look Sehun up and down, which makes the back of Sehun's neck feel kinda sweaty all of a sudden. "Looks like you put a lot of work into your costume, though. Let's see…"

"In the interest of fairness, I'll tell you that half of my costume is in the living room because it's too damn hot," Sehun says, but now he's hot for an entirely different reason. "There might be a cape involved."

"No, no, don't give me any hints, I can figure it out!" Jongin flaps his hands at Sehun to shush him. He thinks for a few moments, squinting at the mask hanging around Sehun's neck, and then his eyes light up in recognition. "Oh, you're Tuxedo Mask! You weren't kidding, you _do_ look good." Jongin's hands flail around a little bit—Sehun thinks he might be a little drunk, too—and he quickly adds, "Like, it suits you, I mean. You look a lot like the character."

"Thanks." Sehun isn't quite drunk enough to ignore the fact that his cheeks are burning from all of this attention, so he looks for an escape route. "I'm gonna go see if Jongdae's around—I haven't seen his costume yet! But I'll see you later? Or tomorrow, depending on when this shitshow ends."

Jongin smiles. "Sounds good. See you later!"

Sehun waves and walks out of the kitchen, popping the tab on his boozy seltzer as he goes and sucking down a few gulps. He wonders if sticking to drinking these for the rest of the night will keep him from being too hungover in the morning. _I mean, it's basically water, right?_

He doesn't see too many people he recognizes, and the apartment isn't big enough for his friends to be hiding anywhere, so he heads downstairs and wanders out onto the porch. Chanyeol's leaning against the railing, deep in conversation with Minseok, who graduated from Chanyeol's program last year. Sehun figures they're probably talking shop. He walks down the porch steps to the walkway that cuts through the small front yard and sees Baekhyun and Jongdae lying on the grass, Junmyeon sitting upright beside Jongdae. Junmyeon waves at him and Sehun veers in their direction to sit down on the grass next to Baekhyun. It's chilly outside, but the coolness of the grass is refreshing after being inside that stifling apartment all night.

" _Sehunnieeeeee_ ," Baekhyun whines, and that's how Sehun knows he's bombed.

Sehun grins and takes another gulp of his drink. "And I thought you were worried about _me_ getting shitfaced tonight."

"He got cocky and thought he could outdo Lu Han on tequila shots. Idiot." Jongdae squeezes Baekhyun's shoulder affectionately. "He already threw up, though, so he'll probably be fine in an hour or two."

Baekhyun seems to have parted ways with his headband, but Junmyeon's and Jongdae's costumes seem to be intact. Jongdae is clearly Harry Potter, even though the scar drawn on his forehead in black eyeliner is more of a lightning bolt–shaped smudge by now. He looks pretty cozy, wrapped up in his Gryffindor scarf and black school robes. Junmyeon is dressed as Han Solo, wearing dark blue jacket over a long-sleeved white thermal, black jeans, and tall black boots. He's even got a hip holster with a toy blaster stuck into it. Sehun is somewhat alarmed by the fact that he finds Junmyeon—his former RA—kinda hot in this getup.

Sehun gestures between Junmyeon and Jongdae and muffles a giggle with the back of his hand. "Is this some kind of kinky fanfiction thing?"

Jongdae grins. "I know you're joking, but I'm, like, ninety-eight percent sure that shit exists somewhere in the bowels of the internet."

Junmyeon wrinkles his nose. "Gross."

"Well, I didn't _put_ it there!" Jongdae sticks his tongue out. "It's just an unpleasant side effect of Rule 34."

"What is Rule 34? Is that a _Star Wars_ thing?" Sehun asks, thinking of Order 66 from the prequels.

Jongdae shakes his head. "It's an old-ass internet meme."

"Rule 34," Baekhyun yells, holding up a finger. "If it exists, there is porn of it."

"All right, we have officially entered the shouty-drunk phase of the evening." Jongdae sits up. "Time to go back inside if we don't want campus police to shut this down. Sehun, can you help me drag his ass over to Chanyeol?"

Baekhyun giggles. "Jongdae has noooooo upper body strength," he says in a stage whisper.

Sehun shotguns the rest of his drink and gets to his feet, leaving the can in the yard; he'll help clean up tomorrow when he comes back for pregame brunch. "All right, c'mon, hyung." Sehun grabs Baekhyun's hands and pulls him up to sit, then braces his feet against the grass and tugs Baekhyun up until he's on his feet. "You want a piggyback ride to the porch?"

"Yes pleeeeeease," Baekhyun says in a singsong voice, so Sehun crouches low enough that Baekhyun can flop onto his back and link his arms around Sehun's shoulders, then carefully stands up and hitches Baekhyun's legs up around his waist.

"You better hold on, because if you go down I'm going down right along with you," Sehun warns him, slowly walking back toward the house. Jongdae and Junmyeon walk behind him just in case Baekhyun decides now is a good time to do a trust fall.

Baekhyun's chin digs into Sehun's shoulder. "Ugh, I hate you so much, your shoulders are _huuuuuge_."

"Yours aren't exactly narrow, either," Sehun reminds him as Baekhyun starts gnawing his shoulder through his shirt. If he didn't already know Baekhyun was shitfaced, this would be a dead giveaway. Sehun wriggles in an effort to stop him. "Hey, do I look like a chew toy to you?"

"Yes." Baekhyun releases him, though, burying his face in Sehun's neck instead. "Anyway, I was just kidding. I love you. You're so cute." He smooches Sehun's ear and cheek several times, punctuating each kiss with an exaggerated _mwah_ sound.

Sehun's face hurts from grinning so hard. "Jongdae, _please_ tell me you're getting this on video."

"Of course he is," Junmyeon laughs.

"Stop making fun of me for loving this tiny giant baby," Baekhyun whines, pressing his cheek against Sehun's and squeezing him tightly as Sehun carefully navigates the steps up to the porch. "He's too good for this cruel world. We have to protect him."

"Chanyeol, come get your boyfriend before Sehun slips a disc," Jongdae says, still recording.

Sehun crouches down slowly and pats Baekhyun's leg so he knows he can put his feet on the ground. Baekhyun leaves one last obnoxiously loud kiss on Sehun's cheek. "Thanks for the ride, Sehunnie."

Chanyeol steps around Sehun to get an arm around Baekhyun's shoulders, and Baekhyun melts right into him. "Hiiiiii, Chanyeol," he mumbles, rubbing his face against Chanyeol's shirt until the red paint on his cheek starts to stain the fabric. "I love you sooooooo much."

"What am I going to do with you?" Chanyeol sighs fondly, walking Baekhyun backwards so he can seat him on one of the folding chairs scattered around the porch.

Baekhyun flashes him a lecherous grin. "I'm sure you can think of a few things."

"Aaaand _cut_!" Junmyeon snatches Jongdae's phone out of his hand and stops the recording despite his protests. "I'll go get some water for him," he says to Chanyeol, and disappears into the house.

Sehun laughs. "Damn, he is still _such_ an RA."

"I know," Jongdae sighs. "I'm trying to fix him, but it's slow going." Sehun's just about to reply when Jongdae abruptly turns around and charges into the house after Junmyeon. "Hey, nerf-herder! Gimme back my phone!"

"I'm getting cold, so I'm going to head back in, too," Sehun says to Chanyeol. "Lemme know if you need anything."

Chanyeol waves him off with his thanks, and Sehun goes back into the apartment, rubbing the goosebumps from his arms. He scopes out the line for the bathroom and figures he might as well go now while the line is short. He tidies up his hair after he washes his hands and double-checks that there's nothing stuck in his teeth before he ducks into the kitchen to grab another one of those hard seltzers out of the fridge, then retreats to the living room, sprawling out on one end of the couch.

Sehun pops open his drink and peers at the digital clock on the cable box. It's well past one in the morning, and people have started to gradually filter out of the apartment. He's pretty sure he saw Jongin hanging out in the dining room—more of a breakfast nook, really—with some of his friends from the dance team, a mixed group of guys and girls. He was thinking about going over and saying hi, but he doesn't know any of them really well outside of Jongin and Yixing, and he feels uneasy about poking his nose in uninvited. Maybe Jongin doesn't want to be bothered right now.

The couch bounces a little and Sehun looks up. "Oh. Speak of the devil."

Yixing looks at him in confusion. "You weren't talking to anybody, though."

"No, it was happening in my head," Sehun says, then laughs at how silly that sounds. "Never mind. Hi." He sits up a little so he's not taking up half the couch with his legs.

"Hey." Yixing leans against the back of the couch, his hands resting on his stomach. He stretches his legs out and crosses one ankle over the other, his left heel braced against the carpet. "What's up?"

Sehun takes another sip of his drink and puts the can on the end table. "Not much, really," he responds, mimicking Yixing's body position, though his feet stick out a bit further because his legs are longer. He lets his head droop onto Yixing's shoulder because it's late and he's in what he mentally refers to as the syrupy phase of being drunk, where he's a little sleepy and warm and just wants to drape his body over the nearest available surface or person. "I went outside for a little while just now but I got cold so I came back in."

"Aw." Yixing throws his right arm around Sehun's shoulders. "Well, it's pretty toasty in here, so you should be okay pretty soon."

Sehun's head falls against Yixing's chest when he puts his arm around Sehun, and Sehun instinctively rubs his face against Yixing's shirt. He smells nice. Sehun doesn't think he's ever gotten close enough to notice this.

Yixing scratches his head, and Sehun practically purrs in response because having his head scratched is _the best_. He thinks he must have been some kind of house pet in a past life.

"Man, you're so fuckin' cute," Yixing laughs under his breath.

Sehun hums in pleasure and tilts his face so he can look at Yixing, turning on the emoji smile. "Am I really?"

Yixing's smile fades. "Oh no," he says softly, biting his lip. "Nope. You can't do that."

Sehun blinks at Yixing. "Do what?"

" _That_." Yixing waves his free hand in a circle over Sehun's face. "If you don't stop making those eyes at me, I can't be held responsible for my actions."

_Well, this night just got a whole lot more interesting._

Sehun's having too much fun with this to give up just yet; he never gets to flirt. He lifts his head so he and Yixing are eye to eye, a little smirk curling his lips. "Yeah? What're you gonna do about it?"

Yixing just sits there looking at him for a couple seconds, and then his hand slides up from Sehun's shoulder to the back of his neck and suddenly Yixing is _kissing_ him.

_Holy fucking—_

It's over almost as soon as it starts, and when Yixing sees the shock on Sehun's face, he closes his eyes and lets his head flop against the back of the couch. "I'm sorry, that was super uncool. I think I need to go stick my head in the freezer for a minute."

He makes to get up, but the _no no no_ in Sehun's head comes flying right out of his mouth as he wraps a hand around Yixing's wrist. Yixing turns his head to look at Sehun, and this time Sehun kisses him. He pulls away after a moment to look at Yixing, gauge his reaction, but his eyes are immediately drawn back to Yixing's mouth, flushed pink with the slightest sheen of moisture on his lower lip. And, oh god, the _dimples_.

"Your mouth looks delicious," he blurts out.

Yixing responds with a sound that's half laugh and half moan and presses his lips to Sehun's again, this time with a little more intent. He slides a hand into Sehun's hair, fingernails gently dragging against his scalp, and begins to shift his position on the couch, doing so gradually to avoid breaking the kiss, until he's straddling Sehun's lap, knees pressed against Sehun's hip bones. His other hand curls around the spot where Sehun's shoulder meets his neck, thumb gently dragging back and forth over his pulse and the hollow of his throat. 

Sehun doesn't really know what to do with his hands—or the rest of his body, for that matter—so he goes with what he thinks is most comfortable, settling them on Yixing's hips just above the waistband of his jeans, fingertips pressing into his back.

Yixing makes a little "mmm" sound against his lips when Sehun tightens his grip, and Sehun can feel Yixing testing the seam of his lips with his tongue. Sehun opens for him and Yixing tilts his head ever so slightly to the left to fit their mouths together more comfortably before he starts to gently brush and flick his tongue against Sehun's. Sehun is more than happy to let Yixing lead, and he responds in kind, his tongue sliding against Yixing's with the same kind of unhurried, teasing pressure. It’s just… god, it's so _nice_.

Sehun sighs through his nose, his entire body suffused with warmth—both because Yixing is pressed so close to him and because this kind of kissing is _profoundly_ arousing. Sehun likes that Yixing already seems to have picked up on the things he likes. He likes the little noises that stick in Yixing's throat and how his thighs tense and relax against Sehun's legs. He likes the way Yixing smells and the way his mouth tastes. He is aware that all of these things he likes so very much are causing his dick to press uncomfortably against the creases of his jeans, and that Yixing can probably feel it, but he can't find it in himself to be embarrassed or self-conscious about it because he just feels so fucking _great_.

Yixing breaks the kiss after a minute or two so they can catch their breath, but his mouth still hovers close to Sehun's, and the way he pushes his nose into Sehun's cheek and lets his breath skitter across Sehun's jaw makes Sehun want to throw him down on the couch and rub up against him like a cat in heat.

But then Yixing hooks two fingers into the belt loops on either side of Sehun's fly, and whatever blood is still circulating in Sehun's brain immediately drains into his dick. He tightens his grip on Yixing's hips, and Yixing laughs softly as he presses his mouth close to Sehun's ear. "You need some help with that?"

A sound much like the laugh-moan Yixing made earlier bubbles up in the back of Sehun's throat. _Holy shit holy shit holy sh—_

"Yeah," he hears himself say. "Yeah, I think I do."

And then Yixing casually pushes the heel of his hand against the front of Sehun's jeans, and Sehun gasps because it's a familiar sensation but it feels so new and different just knowing it's not his hand. He's also suddenly reminded that they are in the living room of a house where a party is currently happening, and he really doesn't want this to happen in a semi-public area, no matter what Jongdae says about these situations being integral to the college experience.

"Not here, not here," Sehun pants against Yixing's neck. "Someone might see."

"Oh, right, duh." Sehun's eyes are closed, but he can hear the sheepish smile in Yixing's voice. "Yeah, okay. We can go in my room if you want."

Sehun swallows. "Okay."

Yixing clambers off his lap and offers him a hand, which Sehun uses to pull himself up. His mouth feels very dry all of a sudden, so he leans over to gulp down the rest of his drink before allowing Yixing to guide him to his room. He doesn't know if anyone's watching them go, and he kind of hopes they haven't been noticed, but either way, ignorance is bliss.

Yixing lets him enter first and closes the door behind them, making sure he turns the privacy lock on the doorknob. Sehun hears a click, and the room is suddenly illuminated in the dim light from the lamp on Yixing's desk.

Sehun glances around. He's been to this apartment many times over the past year, but he's not sure he's ever been in Yixing's room before. He can't see a whole lot because the shadows cast by the lampshade obscure some of the details, but he spots an electric keyboard and acoustic guitar in one corner of the room, a bookcase in another, a double bed against one wall with a nightstand on either side, posters and photographs lining the walls, and a door that presumably leads to Yixing's closet.

"All right," Yixing says. "Where were we?"

Sehun feels very awkward and unsure of himself for a moment, but Yixing just slides two fingers behind the top button of his vest and gently tugs Sehun down and in so he can fit their mouths together again before slowly walking Sehun backwards in the direction of his bed. Sehun's shoes shuffle against the carpeting until the backs of his knees hit the side of the bed, at which point he loses his balance and has to sit down, abruptly breaking the kiss.

Now is probably as good a time as any to say what he needs to say before he loses his ability to think straight.

"I don't want to have sex," he blurts out, but then, worried that Yixing might take it the wrong way, he stammers, "Not in an 'I don't want to have sex with _you_ ' kinda way! Just in a 'not tonight' kinda way."

"I know what you meant." Yixing looks amused. "And I don't really have the energy for it anyway. I hit peak crossfade about an hour ago and it was great while it lasted, but I'm starting to crash. Cool if I just suck your dick?"

Sehun stares at him, his gaze dropping to Yixing's mouth for a second longer than it should before he meets Yixing's eyes again with an emphatic nod.

"Oh my _god_ , do you even know how fucking adorable you are sometimes?" Yixing laughs, holding Sehun's head in his hands and giving it a gentle shake. "Lie back."

Sehun sinks into the mattress and kicks his shoes off, then drops his hands to undo the fastenings on his jeans. Yixing tugs them down, and Sehun unbuttons his vest and shirt to avoid having to pay for dry cleaning in case they end up making a mess. Yixing's fingers slip under the waistband of his boxer briefs and Sehun has to stifle a manic laugh.

Yixing takes his hands away and rests them on the bed instead. "You good?"

"What? Oh, no, I'm great." Sehun scrabbles for Yixing's hands, putting them back on his hips. "This is just… fucking surreal, that's all."

"All right." Yixing's lips curl up into a curious little smile. "Just let me know if you want me to stop."

 _As if_ , Sehun thinks, lifting his hips off the bed a little so Yixing can pull his underwear down. He can't remember ever being turned on as much as he is right now, and it shows.

He looks up to see Yixing standing there with his arms crossed, looking down at Sehun with one of those inscrutable expressions he so frequently wears. Sehun starts to feel a little self-conscious, but all Yixing does is sigh wistfully. "I wish I had a photographic memory."

Yixing must see the confusion on Sehun's face, because his expression softens and he crouches down to kneel in front of the bed. "You're very attractive, Sehun."

"Oh." Sehun's ears feel like they're on fire and his chest feels too full and Yixing's mouth looks _so good_. "Uh, thanks."

Yixing nudges his knees apart and Sehun obliges, allowing Yixing to shuffle closer. His left hand settles in the divot where Sehun's thigh and hip meet, and Sehun jolts reflexively, eliciting a soft laugh from Yixing. "Ticklish?"

Sehun pushes himself up on his elbows and shakes his hair out of his eyes. "Little bit."

"I'll keep that in mind." Yixing wraps his free hand around the base of Sehun's cock, and Sehun's head falls back with a gasp. "Fair warning, there's no way I'm getting my mouth over this whole thing."

"That's totally fine," Sehun says in a strained voice as Yixing starts to stroke him.

"Let me know when you're about to shoot so I can get out of the way." Yixing waits for Sehun to nod in understanding before he bends his head and takes Sehun's dick between his lips.

Sehun's elbows buckle and he falls back against the mattress with a shuddery moan. Yixing bobs his head, his hand stroking where his mouth can't reach. Every few strokes he pulls back and swirls his tongue around the head with a little more suction, and Sehun's toes curl so tightly it almost hurts.

The hand on his hip starts to slide back and forth along his inner thigh, heightening the warm fizzing sensation in his lower abdomen, and he can't stop the low whine that comes out of his mouth. "Jesus, Yixing, that feels so good," he gasps, little huffs and grunts escaping his lips every time Yixing's mouth plunges back down over him.

A low moan vibrates in Yixing's throat, and Sehun is even more turned on by the fact that Yixing seems to be enjoying himself, or at least enjoying the reaction he's getting from Sehun. He thinks back to this morning's (or yesterday's, at this point) lecture on recursive loops in his computer science class and wonders if this qualifies as an example, then starts _giggling_ at how ridiculous this train of thought is. He's never going to be able to think straight in that class again, that's for sure.

Sehun's starting to feel like he's getting close, so he pushes himself back up onto his elbows because he hasn't actually seen what Yixing's lips look like stretched around his cock and he feels like he needs to burn that image into his eyelids for posterity. His mouth is flushed and slick with spit and Sehun wants to kiss him again so badly. It seems wildly unfair that Yixing's mouth can't be in two places at once.

Yixing opens his eyes and looks up at Sehun through his eyelashes, pulling back to swirl his tongue around the head of Sehun's cock again, and Sehun can't take much more of this. "Oh, fuck," he whimpers, "stop, stop, I'm going to come."

Yixing slides off of him with a little pop and pushes Sehun's dick up toward his belly, corkscrewing his hand up and down the length, and then ducks his head to suck one of Sehun's balls into his mouth. It's so unexpected that it pushes him right over the edge almost immediately, just barely giving him enough time to muffle his shout. Yixing continues to stroke him slowly and lap at his sack until Sehun wraps a hand around his wrist to still him.

Yixing eases back to sit on his heels, resting his arms on Sehun's knees. He cocks his head, a puzzled smile on his face. "What the hell were you _laughing_ about?"

"Math." Sehun slumps back onto the mattress and giggles all over again. "God, that's the best thing I've ever felt. I think you short-circuited my brain."

"Wait a second—" Yixing blinks at him. "Are you telling me you've never gotten a blowjob?"

Sehun nods and drags a hand over his face with a sigh. "I've never, uh, done this kinda thing with— with anyone."

" _Oh_." Yixing hauls himself up from the floor. The carefully applied makeup on his right cheek is now one large multicolored smudge. He rummages in the drawer of his nightstand and pulls out a packet of wet wipes, then sits on the bed next to Sehun and offers him a couple to clean himself up with while he wipes off his own hands and mouth. "Yeah, I definitely would not have fucked you, then."

Sehun pauses with a wipe in his hand, trying to figure out whether he should take offense to that, but Yixing puts a hand on his arm and shakes his head with a smile. "No, no, I don't mean it like, 'Ugh, _virgins_ '—" He rolls his eyes for emphasis. "—I mean it like that's way too much action for one night. I wouldn't want you to do anything you might regret in the cold light of day, you know?" He squeezes Sehun's arm. "I can get laid just fine without taking advantage of inexperienced underclassmen."

"Oh." Sehun mops up his chest and very gingerly cleans off his junk. Yixing leans over the side of the bed to grab the waste basket so he and Sehun can toss out the used wipes, then slides it back into the space between the bed and the nightstand.

"You okay?" Yixing asks, affectionately sliding a hand through Sehun's hair.

Sehun pushes his head against Yixing's hand. "Yeah, I was just—" He glances up at Yixing. "Can I, uh, do anything for you?"

Yixing's eyes are serious. "You don't have to if you don't want to. This doesn't have to be some kind of quid pro quo thing."

"No, no, I know." Sehun sits up, finally feeling like his bones have resolidified. "But I've never, like, y'know, touched anybody else, and I kind of want to." He realizes he sounds like he's hedging and corrects himself. " _Really_ want to."

And he does. He wants to see what Yixing looks like under his clothes, feel how soft his skin is, kiss his neck. He wants to hear how the noises Yixing makes when Sehun touches him are different from the sounds he made when they were kissing earlier. He wants to hear what Yixing sounds like when he comes. His skin tingles just thinking about it.

"Okay," Yixing says, and Sehun thinks he can still taste himself a little when Yixing leans in to kiss him.

Sehun wriggles out of his shirt and vest when Yixing stands up to toe off his shoes and peel his own clothes off without much ceremony. He's not shy about his body at all; he's sort of like Jongin in that way.

 _Do_ not _think about Jongin right now_ , he tells himself, though the comparison does make him wonder if he has a type.

Yixing has no reason to be shy about his body, anyway, because he is _fit_. All that dancing has certainly paid off; his average build belies his well-muscled abdomen and legs. Sehun can't fucking believe his luck.

Yixing crawls onto the bed and lies on his back, then pats his thighs. Sehun straddles his lap this time, staying on his knees and sitting back on his heels so as not to put too much weight on Yixing's legs. He glances down at Yixing's cock, which is very hard at this point; Sehun can't believe Yixing would have been happy to call it quits after sucking his dick. Sehun wraps a hand around him and allows himself a couple of experimental strokes. It doesn't _feel_ much different from jerking himself off, but this is a different angle than he's used to and Yixing is uncut, which is new. Yixing jumps a little beneath him, just like Sehun did the first time Yixing touched him, and Sehun grins.

"Mmm, tighten your grip a little?" Yixing closes his eyes.

Sehun curls his hand a little harder on the next upstroke. "Better?"

"Ohhhh god, yep, that's great," Yixing responds in a slightly strangled voice. He cracks one eye open and crooks a finger at Sehun. "Get over here."

Sehun gladly obliges, tipping forward on his knees and lowering himself so his chest is almost touching Yixing's, and then Yixing puts a hand around the back of his neck and pulls him in for a kiss. Sehun immediately parts his lips for Yixing, who sighs into his mouth and slides his tongue against Sehun's with a little more purpose than he did when they were making out in the living room. It's faster and messier but also _so fucking hot_. Sehun likes this Yixing, too; he's always known Yixing to be serene and unflappable, so seeing him lose his chill is unexpected and kind of fun.

Sehun becomes aware that he's hard again when the head of his dick starts dragging against Yixing's hip. Desperate for friction, he moves his right leg between both of Yixing's so he can straddle just the one leg and rut against him in time with his strokes.

Yixing laughs into his mouth and slides a hand between their bodies to jerk Sehun off as well. Sehun breaks the kiss with a groan and drops his head into the crook of Yixing's shoulder. "That feels so fucking good," he murmurs, punctuating each word with tentative kisses to Yixing's neck, which is clearly extremely sensitive judging by the very vocal response he's getting from Yixing.

"Keep doing that," Yixing pants, sliding his free hand down Sehun's back to cup his ass, fingertips digging into the round flesh. Sehun gasps into Yixing's neck, eliciting another moan. "You can go faster."

Sehun increases his pace and trails his lips down and across Yixing's throat to lap at and suck on the other side of Yixing's neck, and he finds that the little gasps and whines and occasional curses pouring forth from Yixing's lips are _really_ doing it for him.

Yixing tightens his grip on Sehun's ass and bucks up into his hand a few times, moaning into his cheek as he comes. His spunk is hot and sticky as it drips over Sehun’s fingers, and Sehun thinks there's something so exquisitely erotic about the feel of it. Yixing’s hand is still kneading his ass while his other hand works Sehun's cock, and it just feels _so good_ to have someone else doing this for him for once. Within a few minutes, he’s burying his face in Yixing’s neck and spilling into his hand and onto his hip.

It’s all he can do not to melt into Yixing, but they have to clean up, so after one last, lazy kiss that makes both of them start laughing for no reason, Sehun rolls off to lie on his back and catch his breath. Yixing breaks out the wet wipes again ("Seriously, that’s genius. I don't know why I never thought to keep a stash of those!") and, once he's tidied up sufficiently, reaches over the side of the bed for his boxer briefs. He wriggles back into them, then looks at his watch and groans.

"It's almost 2 a.m. Fuck it, I’m not getting up again. I hope Jongdae remembers to lock the front door." Yixing turns his head to look at Sehun. "You wanna crash here?"

"Oh." Sehun was just trying to muster up the will to sit up, figuring he'd find a way to sneak out without having to answer questions from anybody until tomorrow, but this seems like a better alternative. Also, Yixing seems like the kind of guy who's down to cuddle. "Yeah, sure. I don't actually think I remember how to use my legs anymore, anyway."

Yixing snorts and reaches over the side of the bed again to hand Sehun his underwear as well. "I'll take that as a good review."

"Five stars, A-plus-plus, ten out of ten, would definitely come again." Sehun grins impishly as he slides back into his boxer briefs, and Yixing falls back against the mattress, cackling. "Hey, uh, do you mind if I borrow a T-shirt? The shirt I had on before isn't exactly sleepwear."

Yixing sits up with an exaggerated sigh, though he's smiling in a way that shows his dimples. "I _guess_ ," he says, padding over to his dresser in the dim light and digging out a long-sleeved baseball tee, which he rolls up and tosses over to Sehun. "Hopefully that won't look like a crop top on your weird longcat body."

"Shut up," Sehun laughs, straightening out the shirt and feeling around the inside of the collar for the tag so he knows he's not putting it on backwards. It's a little shorter than most of his shirts, but it still reaches the band of his boxer briefs. "I can't help it that I'm mostly torso."

Yixing throws on a pair of joggers while he's up and turns off the desk lamp, then walks back to the bed, pulling back the comforter and all but collapsing onto the mattress. "God, I feel like I have sandbags tied to all of my limbs. Tomorrow's going to _suuuuuuck_." He sighs and moves his pillows around until he's comfortable, then rolls onto his side. "You wanna be the big spoon or the little spoon?"

Sehun mentally fistpumps and slides under the covers, rolling over so his back is to Yixing. "Little spoon, pleeeeease."

Yixing laughs and scoots a little closer, draping an arm around Sehun's waist and splaying his hand out on Sehun's chest. "This was fun."

It really was. Sehun doesn't know if it'll happen again, or if he even wants it to happen again, but he feels a little more sure of himself now, and that was the main thing he wanted to take away from this experience.

"I had fun, too," he says, leaning back against Yixing's chest. "'Night, Yixing."

Yixing yawns in his ear. "Good night, Sehun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, clearly my life has not known peace since july 29 in the year of our lord 2013, the day [osh and zyx did the pepero thing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRjVHtGjdHU) (my god! yixing!! fucking!!! _picked_!!!! sehun!!!!!), because i went and shoehorned _a whole fucking scene's worth of it_ into this story. look, that clip deserved a satisfying conclusion. we _all_ deserved a satisfying conclusion to that moment. so i did the thing because i love all of you and i want you to be happy. (you're welcome.) side note: if oh sehun says he's never kissed a boy, he's a damn liar. he did the head tilt, ffs!!! _after_ the pepero broke!!!!!!
> 
> (i would also like to state for the record that my life has not known peace since july 22, 2017, the day byun baekhyun implied on national television that oh sehun has a huge dick. bbh would never lie to us, so i'm taking that as the gospel truth. it's officially canon.)
> 
> anyway, i bet you didn't see that coming! (heh.) (sorry, i'm trash.) fear not, sekai-ists of the internet—this is still a sekai fic, so don't freak out!! fair warning, though: shit's about to get kinda angsty. gird your loins.
> 
> your soundtrack for today's installment is yet another franz ferdinand song, because they were the first band i ever hard stanned, and, incidentally, the first band i ever wrote fanfic about—but it was a completely innocent tale about a character in another one of their songs and alex kapranos made a very brief cameo at the end and would you believe _i sent it to AK for his fucking birthday in 2005 oh my goD I AM THE MOST EMBARRASSING HUMAN ALIVE_ and yet i still kinda hope he read it and didn't think i was super weird lakdf;lasjdf;j ANYWAY, the song is called "[the dark of the matinée](https://open.spotify.com/track/6mHUGanFO3g5CWiZDZERGR)" and it's very sexy and i love it.
> 
> okay, i think that's enough rambling for now. thank you to everyone who's been reading along so far—your kudos and comments give me the strength to wake up each morning and face the unending nightmare that is winter in new england. but this time next week it's gonna be _february_ , whaaaat! (that fucking groundhog better not see his shadow if he knows what's good for him.) have a good weekend, everyone!!
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)


	5. november 1, a saturday

The first thing Sehun notices when he wakes up on Saturday morning is how fucking nauseated he is. The second is that he is definitely not at home. The third is that someone's arm is draped over his waist.

_Oh. Right. That happened._

The weird thing is, he doesn't feel guilty about hooking up with Yixing. And why should he? You can't cheat on someone who doesn't actually know you're in love with him and who might not even like you back.

Of course, _that_ thought makes Sehun's stomach heave unpleasantly, so he tries to think about something else. _Gotta pee_. He pushes himself up very slowly, as if simply avoiding any sudden movements will prevent him from throwing up in Yixing's bed, and sits on the edge of the bed to mentally prepare himself to walk to the bathroom.

"Mmmmhi," Yixing groans in a creaky voice.

"Shit, sorry." Sehun cranes his head to look back at Yixing, who is still sprawled in bed with his eyes closed. "I was trying not to wake you."

"It's fine. I'm a light sleeper." Yixing clears his throat. "You okay?"

Sehun knows what he means. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just hungover."

"Check the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, should be some Tylenol in there." Yixing rubs his face against the pillow and cracks one eye open to look at Sehun. "We cool?"

Sehun smiles and leans over to pat Yixing's head. "Yeah, we cool. I'm gonna head out. I'll see you later?"

Yixing raises his arm to give Sehun a wordless thumbs-up and rolls over to go back to sleep.

Sehun eases himself up and gets dressed, silently praising himself for choosing a Halloween costume that comprises normal clothing for the most part. He folds up the shirt Yixing loaned him and puts it on the end of his bed, then quietly lets himself out of the room. After a detour to the bathroom for a piss and a few Tylenol, Sehun makes his way to the living room to grab his jacket and the bits of his costume he'd stashed behind the armchair, but as he passes by the kitchen he hears a snap and turns his head to see where it came from.

Lu Han’s sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and his laptop open in front of him. He crooks a finger at Sehun.

_Aw, shit._

Sehun trudges over to park himself in the chair next to his old mentor, bracing for a lecture, but Lu Han just studies him for a moment.

"Are you okay?" he asks, finally. "I mean, Yixing's my best friend and it's not that I don’t trust him or whatever, but you're basically my little brother, so… yeah."

This is the closest to sentimental Sehun's ever seen Lu Han get. It's heartwarming but also very weird.

"How did you… ?" He gives Lu Han a puzzled look, then shakes his head. "I don't know why I'm bothering with this, you're a gossip magnet. But I hardly saw you at all last night!"

"Chanyeol was taking Baekhyun upstairs once he'd sobered up a little and spotted you guys wandering off." He smirks. "Also, Yixing woke me up at fucking _six forty-five_ this morning on his way back from the bathroom and told me. I went to bed at _four_."

Sehun has no idea what time it is and pulls his phone out of his back pocket to check, but it's dead. He looks back up at Lu Han and wishes Yixing weren't so blunt all the goddamn time. "Uh, we didn’t—" He can feel his face getting hot. "Look, I'm great. Seriously. I had fun, he had fun, we're cool. I just want to go home and take a shower and possibly throw up a few times, but I'll be back later for the game and all that shit."

"All right." Lu Han leans back in his chair. "I'll see you in a few hours, then."

Sehun grabs the rest of his things and leaves. The brisk air on the walk back to his own apartment makes him feel a little less ill than he did when he woke up, and as he's walking up the stairwell to his and Jongin’s apartment, he thinks he might even be a little hungry.

He puts his key in the lock and goes to turn it, but the door swings open from inside, and it's not Jongin who opens it.

It's that pretty senior girl who's friends with Yixing—Irene, maybe? He thinks he's seen her before in one of the dance crew's performances, or maybe in one of the theater department's productions. She was definitely at the party, at any rate; she and Wendy, another girl in Sehun's year, went as the scary little twin girls from _The Shining_.

They're only standing there gawking at each other for two seconds, but it feels like a thousand years. Irene's eyes are wide and her mouth is pursed in a perfect little "o" of surprise. Even Sehun can admit that she's ridiculously beautiful.

"I'm sorry," she stammers, trying to find a way around him, but Sehun is very broad and he's still trying to process why she's even here. She's carrying a small shopping bag stuffed with clothes and wearing the typical northeastern college girl uniform of a North Face jacket and leggings, but instead of the Uggs that usually accompany that look, she's wearing the Mary Janes that go with her costume.

Her jacket is unzipped, but it's what's underneath that gets Sehun's attention. That's one of Jongin's T-shirts. It is a hideous shade of bright yellow, and he only wears it on laundry day.

The nausea that had abated on his walk home suddenly resurfaces. "Sorry," he blurts, turning sideways and pressing himself against the wall so she can pass by him. She ducks her head, blushing, and clatters down the stairs. Sehun waits for the outer door to open and close again before he goes inside, closes the door, drops the bundle of costume pieces he'd been carrying, and all but sprints for the bathroom, kicking the door closed behind him and just barely getting the toilet lid up and his head over the bowl before he is violently ill.

He spits a couple of times after, wipes his mouth with a wad of toilet paper, and flushes it all down, then rinses his mouth out at the sink and turns the shower on. He undresses and climbs in, immediately sticking his head under the hot spray.

Jongin brought a girl home last night.

Jongin brought a _girl_ home last night.

If Sehun thinks about it— _really_ thinks, not just wishfully thinks—there's never really been an indication that Jongin might be into guys. He knows Sehun is gay, but they don't really talk about sexual conquests or anything in the ballpark of dating or relationships. Mostly because Sehun has never had any but also because he’s afraid he'll say too much, that Jongin will see right through him and it will put a strain on their friendship, or that Jongin will say something Sehun doesn't want to hear.

 _At least I doesn't have to worry about that anymore_ , he thinks with a borderline hysterical laugh.

And he's not sure exactly when or how it happens, but one second he's laughing and the next he's crying, and it's not the pretty, single-tear-falling-down-one-cheek kind of crying you see in the movies. It's the ugly, face-so-scrunched-up-it-gives-you-a-headache kind that takes your breath away and makes your chest ache and your body curl inward like a dead star collapses in on itself to form a black hole. Gritting his teeth, Sehun braces his forearms against the tile and lets his head fall into his hands, his lungs burning with the effort it takes to silence his pain.

How the fuck is he supposed to be in the same apartment (let alone the same room) with Jongin without breaking down? Baekhyun said he'd get over it someday, but _when_? How are you supposed to get over something when there is a constant reminder of it living in your house? Does he just have to deal with unending pain until next May? Because he's not at all confident that he can tolerate these emotions for much longer than a day or two.

Gradually, he pulls himself together enough to shampoo his hair and wash himself, although his body shudders with hiccupy gasps from time to time. (Apparently ten minutes of hysterical sobbing is all it takes for your lungs to forget how to do their fucking job.) He turns off the water once his crying has subsided into utter numbness and grabs his towel off the bar next to the shower, and after thoroughly brushing his teeth and gargling with mouthwash, he scoops his clothes off the floor and high-tails it to his room to avoid running into Jongin, although the apartment is quiet enough that Sehun thinks he's probably still asleep.

Once he's put on a T-shirt and underwear and rubbed a towel through his hair, he connects his phone to the charging cable hanging over his nightstand and crawls into bed, pulling the covers up to his neck and waiting for his phone to charge enough that he can at least turn it on. When it does power on, he's surprised to see that he has a ton of missed calls and new text messages, mostly from Jongdae, but there are a few voicemails from Baekhyun that came through a little after ten o'clock this morning, and it's five to eleven.

He opens the chain of messages from Jongdae; most of them are from well after two in the morning, after Sehun and Yixing had fallen asleep.

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There are also three voicemails from Baekhyun, all of them fairly short and mostly repeating the same things: _I'm sorry, are you okay, I'm so sorry, no one's heard from you since last night, I'm worried, please call me when you get this._

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Sehun puts his phone back on the nightstand to let it charge and curls up in the fetal position with a pillow clutched to his chest. He really can't fathom the idea of going out later and being around other people, but staying here and wallowing in how sad and empty he feels doesn't seem like a good alternative. It certainly won't make him feel any better, and it'll just make his friends worry, and he doesn't want to wreck everyone else's weekend by being a miserable piece of shit.

He dozes restlessly for a couple of hours and wakes up groggy and emotionally drained, but he forces himself out of bed anyway, putting on jeans and socks and pulling a sweater over his T-shirt. He takes a look at himself in the full-length mirror hanging over his bedroom door. From the neck down he looks fine, but his hair is pointing in every conceivable direction because he didn't comb it before he fell asleep, and his eyes are still a little red and puffy.

Sehun turns away to dig through the desk drawer where he keeps miscellaneous health-related items—bandages, half a bottle of cough syrup, expired over-the-counter allergy pills—and finds a bottle of Visine, which he immediately applies to both eyes. Thinking better of it, he also puts his sunglasses on, just in case it takes a while for the drops to kick in. After a fruitless attempt to flatten his hair, he covers it with a snapback and throws on a jacket, checking his pockets for his phone, keys, and wallet before opening the door to his room.

He nearly trips on the way out—the pieces of his costume he'd left by the front door are sitting in the hallway just outside his bedroom. Jongin must be up, then.

Suddenly filled with dread, Sehun throws the bundle into his room and closes the door quietly behind himself before making his way to the front door. But for some reason, everybody's in their damn kitchen today trying to make his life a living hell.

"Oh, hey, didn't hear you come in," Jongin says, craning his neck to look briefly at Sehun. He's facing away because he's at the stove, poking at a pot of ramen.

Sehun hasn't said a word in more than two hours now and is kind of afraid of what his voice is going to sound like. He clears his throat preemptively. "Yeah, got back a little after ten," he says, sounding a little hoarse. Sehun fakes a laugh, knowing that what he's about to say is petty as fuck, but he can't help himself. "Just as Irene was leaving, weirdly enough. Looks like you had fun last night."

"I could say the same for you," Jongin says, and Sehun thinks his shoulders tense up a bit, but he can't imagine why. Maybe Jongin thinks he crossed a line bringing it up?

 _Well, if that's the case_ , Sehun thinks bitterly, _maybe he shouldn't have fucking brought her home._

"Anyway, I'm out," is what he says as he unlocks the door. "Going to go meet up with Lu Han and everyone before we head over to the game."

"Okay," Jongin says, glancing over at him. "Still deciding whether or not I'll go, not feeling too hot right now. Say hi to Yixing and everyone for me."

It's entirely possible that Sehun is looking for something to be upset about right now, but there's something weird about the tone of Jongin's voice. Then again, maybe he's just really hungover and miserable.

"All right, see you later," Sehun says, letting himself out.

He texts Lu Han once he gets outside to tell him he's coming over and almost immediately gets a response— _OK, door's unlocked, see you in a bit_ —and there's something about the swiftness of his reply that makes Sehun wonder if he's talked to Baekhyun or Jongdae yet.

Then, a horrible thought runs through his mind: Did Lu Han already know about Irene and Jongin this morning? Did he let Sehun walk out of the apartment without a clue anyway? He wouldn't do something like that, right?

Right?

Sehun's stomach feels a little sick again as he walks up the steps to Yixing and Jongdae's front door and lets himself in. "I'm here," he says loudly.

"Living room," Lu Han yells back.

Sehun hangs his jacket and hat on one of the hooks near the door, then walks down the hall and pokes his head into the living room. Lu Han, Yixing, Jongdae, Junmyeon, and Baekhyun are variously arrayed on the couch, the chair, and the floor.

Baekhyun immediately gets to his feet. "Sehun—"

Sehun takes off his sunglasses and hangs them from the collar of his sweater, then turns his gaze on Lu Han. "Did you know?"

"What?"

"Did you already know about Jongin and Irene when I left this morning with a dead phone battery and no idea what I was about to walk into?" Sehun asks, trying to keep his tone even.

"No, I didn't." Lu Han's large eyes are wide and serious. "I would never do that to you."

Sehun is about to respond when Jongdae interrupts him. "Sehun, I didn't tell anyone until after you finally texted me back, and the only people I mentioned it to are in this room."

"Oh." Sehun's stomach stops twisting around, but he doesn't feel much better. His shoulders sag as his gaze flicks back to Lu Han. "Okay. Sorry for flying off the handle. It's been, uh…"

Lu Han nods, his voice gentle. "Rough morning. I get it. It's fine."

Sehun nods miserably and moves further into the room so he can lie spread-eagled on the floor and stare at the ceiling. He hears the shuffling of socks against the carpet, and then Baekhyun sits down near his head.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks in a low voice, hands fidgeting in his lap like he's unsure of how to proceed.

Sehun closes his eyes. "Yes and no," he says. "Yes because if I hold all of this in it may actually kill me, and no because I really don't feel like crying in front of this many people."

Baekhyun reaches out to hold Sehun's hand, and Sehun lets him.

"Hey, Sehun…" Junmyeon's voice is level and soothing. "I have a feeling you're going to roll your eyes at me when I say this, but I want you to hear it anyway. Crying when you're upset doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't make you less of a man. And nobody here would tease you for it."

Baekhyun squeezes his hand tightly. "Not if they don't want me to strangle them with their own shoelaces, anyway."

Sehun cracks a little smile at that. "I know that, Junmyeon, I really do, but there's something I still hate about it. Also, my entire body still hurts from all the crying I did earlier, so there's that." He closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see Baekhyun's pained expression looking down at him.

"I wish we could have gotten to you ahead of time," Jongdae says, leaning against one arm of the couch and resting his chin against one fist. "I thought maybe we did and you weren't responding because you were upset. I mean, fuck, this whole situation already sucks ass without you finding out about it the hard way. What are the odds that she'd be coming out of your apartment just as you're about to go in?"

"I mean, knowing my luck, it checks out," Sehun says with a sardonic laugh. "Did I tell you she was wearing one of Jongin's T-shirts, too? That was what kind of put me over the edge, 'cause, like… yeah, they definitely fucked."

Yixing's been quiet since Sehun arrived, but at this point he leans forward in his chair and looks down at Sehun. "Okay, maybe I'm just an eternal optimist, but sexuality is a spectrum and it's not totally unthinkable that he could be bi or pan or something else that isn't a zero on the Kinsey scale." He shrugs. "Just, y'know, speaking as an equal opportunity pleasure seeker."

Sehun, as usual, is lost. "Huh?"

"I'm bisexual," Yixing says slowly, smiling just enough for a dimple to appear near one corner of his mouth. "You didn't know that?"

"Maybe I did at one point, but I forgot. I don't know." Sehun feels a little defensive. "I mean, we're not _that_ close." He pauses, huffing out a frustrated sigh. "Ugh, that sounds shittier than I meant it to. I like you! I just mean, like, we don't have deep conversations about stuff. I feel like I don't know you super well."

Lu Han barely holds back a snort. "I was going to make a very crass remark just now, but I will abstain. Please let the record show I am displaying a staggering amount of restraint."

"I can't believe I told you anything," Yixing groans, dragging a hand down his face. "That's the last time I let my residual weed-induced anxiety get the better of me."

"That's what you said in May after you broke down and told me you fucked Hyoyeon Kim in my bed during Senior Week." Clearly this is still a sore spot for Lu Han. "In my _bed_ , Yixing," he hisses for emphasis.

" _No!_ " Junmyeon and Jongdae say at the same time, but Jongdae looks amused and Junmyeon looks horrified. They look at each other, curious.

"Why did you—" Jongdae starts.

"Because that's super gross?" Junmyeon retorts, like it's obvious. He turns to look at Yixing. "Please tell me you washed his sheets." Yixing responds with a look that clearly says _Duh._ Junmyeon looks back at Jongdae with one eyebrow raised. "Why did you—"

"Yooooooo, how did I not know you and Hyoyeon were smashing?" Jongdae says with glee, ignoring his uptight boyfriend. "Man, I miss her. She was always saying inappropriate shit in the office while we were putting the paper to bed. I figured she wouldn't be able to keep quiet about something like that."

"She can be very tactful when she wants to be," Yixing says. "We had a sort of, ah, _arrangement_ —"

"They were fuck buddies," Lu Han clarifies, earning a dirty look from Yixing.

"We were kind of casually dating for a couple years before she graduated but we kept it quiet because she was the captain of the dance crew and I didn't want to cause problems for her in case there were accusations of nepotism or whatever. Plus, I had some, uh, other irons in the fire." He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head, glancing at Sehun. "You know, it's kinda funny—I hooked up with Irene a few times at the beginning of this semester and I'm starting to think maybe I should have locked that shit down while I still had time—"

"Are you serious right now?" Baekhyun whips his head around to glare at Yixing.

Yixing puts his hands up in the universal gesture for _don't bite my head off_. "I'm just saying, I might shoot her a text later."

"Wow." Lu Han lifts an eyebrow at Yixing. "How are _you_ suddenly the least helpful person in this room right now? That's usually Jongdae's job."

Jongdae whines in protest. "Dude, what's with the drive-by?"

"Look, I just mean that if I can take her off Jongin's hands, then I'm really doing us both a favor here." Yixing gestures between himself and Sehun, trying to get out of the hole he's dug for himself.

" _Goodbye_ , Yixing." Lu Han shoots him a pointed look, and Yixing rolls his eyes and walks out of the living room.

Lu Han pauses in thought, then adds, "Although now that I think about it, he’s kind of got a point."

"Can we please stop talking about her?" Sehun says, utterly exhausted. "Like, it's not her fault, and I have no real reason to be mad at her—or even Jongin, for that matter—but thinking about her makes me feel pukey again."

Baekhyun scratches Sehun's head. "Probably because your stomach is trying to digest itself. Have you eaten since last night?"

Sehun shakes his head.

"Then that settles it. We're hitting the diner for all-day brunch." Baekhyun gets to his feet. "Fuck the game. Our team never wins, anyway, and I think most of us don't even like watching sports."

"I like sports," Junmyeon says, sounding a little offended.

"Hate to break it to you, Junmyeonnie, but golf's not a real sport." Jongdae ruffles Junmyeon's hair and gets up from the couch. "And watching sailing competitions on TV doesn't count, either."

"God, you're the WASPiest Korean guy I've ever met," Baekhyun tells Junmyeon, laughing as he offers his hands to Sehun and helps him up.

Junmyeon gets up and catches Jongdae around the waist with one arm. "I go to all the trouble of driving up here and trying to surprise you, and all you do is make fun of me," he sighs. "I'm starting to think I should just go home early."

Jongdae whirls around and playfully beats at Junmyeon's chest with his fists. "Don't you fucking dare."

"Save the foreplay for later," Lu Han drawls. "We're helping Sehun eat his feelings now."

Jongdae uses both hands to give him the finger, and Sehun half-heartedly punches Lu Han in the arm. "Asshole."

Lu Han throws his arm around Sehun's shoulder and gives him a squeeze as they head toward the front door to put on their coats. "Love you, too, Sehun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my poor soft sad baby boy!!! he had a rough night. (and i'm gonna level with you: he's in for a rough week.) i'm annoyed that the time stamps at the top of the screenshots are all wrong, but the app i used to make them (threads) doesn't let you change the time that shows up on the screenshot. :|
> 
> this week's addition to the soundtrack: "[mr. brightside](https://open.spotify.com/track/7oK9VyNzrYvRFo7nQEYkWN)" by the killers. there's more than one way to interpret these lyrics here… that's all i'm gonna say.
> 
> thanks again to everyone who's been reading and leaving kudos and comments; we are currently in the midst of this polar vortex bullshit and your kind words warm my heart, if not my hands. stay toasty, friends. rabbit rabbit!


	6. one week | november 1–7

Sehun feels very grateful that he has friends who are making such an effort to distract him and cheer him up. But despite the nice day he's had with them, between brunch and hanging out at Yixing and Jongdae's apartment with everyone, watching movies and playing board games (Sehun is about ninety percent sure they let him win at Catan, which he appreciates), Sehun still isn't feeling up to going home and seeing Jongin. Yixing and Jongdae let him crash for another night and he eagerly accepts, even though it means sleeping on the living room floor. He's too exhausted to be uncomfortable, however—he passes out almost as soon as he's curled up on the thin carpeting with a couple throw pillows and the afghan crocheted by Yixing's grandma that always hangs over the back of the couch. He doesn't feel especially rested in the morning, though, when he's startled awake by Lu Han gently shaking his shoulder.

Sehun responds with a garbled string of noises that aren't actually words and rolls over as if that will make Lu Han disappear.

"Sehun, I have some stuff to finish for school by tomorrow so I'm on my way out." Lu Han shakes him somewhat less gently this time. "I just wanted to say bye."

" _Oh_." Sehun yawns, rolling onto his back and stretching out all of his limbs. A sleepy little noise squeaks out of his throat and Lu Han laughs, prompting Sehun to sit up with a scowl on his face. "What time is it?"

"A little after nine." Lu Han grimaces. "Trying to avoid hitting Sunday afternoon traffic on the turnpike."

Sehun gets that. Southern California is basically one giant never-ending traffic jam. "Oh, okay," he yawns again, rubbing his face with his hands to try to wake himself up. "Well… I guess I'll see you when I see you."

"Yeah, this time of year is tricky." Lu Han chews on his lower lip. "But if you come back early from winter break or something, I can swing down. I'm off from, like, mid-December until the first week of February. It's great. I don't have to teach and I've socked away enough of my stipend that I don't have to worry about money. God, I'm going to take the most ridiculous noncredit classes during IAP."

Sehun hates it when Lu Han starts dropping acronyms that mean nothing to him. "Huh?"

"January term, basically, except you can take all these weird one-off classes that professors or students or alumni volunteer to teach, like beekeeping and ikebana and scuba diving. All kinds of shit."

"Sounds fun," Sehun says, muffling another yawn with the back of his hand. "I'll let you know what my plans are."

"Great." Lu Han smiles. "All right. Well. Keep your chin up. And I'm only a phone call away if you ever need to talk."

"I know." Sehun offers him a little smile. "Thanks. It was good to see you."

"You too, kid." Lu Han ruffles Sehun's hair and claps him on the back before getting to his feet and slinging his backpack over one shoulder. "Until next time."

Sehun waves him off and flops back onto the floor for a few minutes before that stupid, nasty voice in his head tells him to stop being a little bitch, go home, and face his problems like a fucking adult. With a groan, he pushes himself off the floor and puts the pillow and blanket back on the couch. He fell asleep in yesterday's clothes, so the only thing he has to do (beyond making sure his phone and wallet are still in his pockets, anyway) is put on his hat, jacket, and shoes before he's out the door.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

This brave new world Sehun's living in—the one where Jongin will never ever love him back—sucks ass, but it's not unbearable in the strictest sense of the word. He thinks maybe it would be easier if he could channel all of his despair into being pissed off, but he still can't find it in himself to be angry with Jongin—or Irene, for that matter. After all, Jongin's not a mindreader. (Thank _god_.) It's not like he could have known how much this would affect Sehun. So even though Sehun feels like he's dying inside, he tries his best to seem normal and friendly around the house. _Fake it until you make it, right?_

He starts to feel like something is wrong, however, after Jongin gets home from dance practice on Monday evening. Sehun's in the living room composing a Blackboard post for his PoliSci seminar, and he looks up from his laptop with a little smile and a cheerful greeting when Jongin walks in.

Jongin looks a little startled for a moment, but then he relaxes. "Oh, hey." He closes the door behind him. "Wasn't sure you'd be home. Didn't see you much over the weekend."

Sehun doesn't really know what to say to that. "Yeah, it was a little crazy." He musters up a laugh and rakes a hand through his hair. "Kind of glad it's over, honestly."

"Yeah, same." Jongin's face is expressionless. He hikes the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder and shifts from one foot to the other. "I feel gross, so I'm gonna go take a shower. See you later."

"Okay." Sehun feels a little thrown. Most days, when one of them gets home and the other is already there, they'll hang out for a little while and shoot the shit. Jongin doesn't usually care if he's a mess from practice; often, he'll stick around until Sehun threatens him with bodily harm for not getting his sweaty ass off the couch. Sehun wonders if Jongin might be getting sick. "See you later."

A little later, he hears Jongin leave the bathroom and go into his bedroom, and he doesn't come out for the rest of the night. Sehun thinks about knocking a couple of hours later because he's not sure if Jongin's had anything to eat, but Jongin might have gone to bed early, and Sehun doesn't want to risk disturbing him.

Sehun has class before Jongin on Tuesday mornings, so Jongin's still asleep when he leaves the apartment. He texts Jongin in the afternoon asking if he wants to grab dinner that night, and gets a disappointing reply half an hour later, telling him he'll be in the library for most of the evening finishing a paper he's behind on, and that Sehun shouldn't worry if he doesn't come back until really late. Sehun thinks it seems a little too polite of a text, but maybe he's just overthinking Jongin's punctuation use.

By Wednesday morning, Sehun's starting to feel a little paranoid that Jongin is avoiding him. But there's one question that he keeps circling back to, one thing that keeps him from completely losing his shit: _Why?_ He can't have done anything to upset Jongin; he's hardly seen him since Halloween. Jongin is a sensitive soul, yes, but he's also not afraid to tell someone if they've upset him. It doesn't make any sense for Jongin to be angry with him, so he probably isn't. Sehun is just blowing things out of proportion, as usual.

Or so he thinks until Wednesday night, when he gets home from doing some work at the library to find Jongin watching reruns of _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ in the living room. Sehun drops his backpack next to the couch and sits down on the opposite end from Jongin. They make small talk until the end of the episode, which was half over when Sehun got home, and then Jongin stands up and stretches his arms over his head.

That feeling of dread begins to creep over Sehun again. "Going to bed already?"

Jongin rubs a hand over his face. "Yeah, I'm really tired."

"Are you all right?" Sehun looks up at him in the half-light cast by the glow of the TV. "I was wondering if you were getting sick or something."

"No, no, nothing like that," Jongin says easily, smiling, but it's an odd smile. It doesn't take over his face like Jongin's smile usually does. Sehun is suddenly aware that this is the first time Jongin has smiled at him since _Friday_ , which makes him feel a little sick. "Just wiped out. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night," Sehun says to his retreating back, slumping onto the couch as soon as he hears Jongin's door click closed behind him.

It's all Sehun can do to drag himself to bed that night, and when Thursday morning rears its ugly head, he wants nothing to do with it. He sleeps restlessly and wakes up in a heavy fog of sadness and confusion and utter loneliness. It's official: Jongin is shutting him out, Sehun doesn't understand why, and he's too afraid to ask. It's one thing if Jongin doesn't return his romantic feelings, but the thought of not having him as a friend at all… _that_ is unbearable.

Adding shame to the bitter cocktail of emotions swirling around in his head, he at least bothers to email his professors to feign sickness before he ditches all of his classes for the day, as well as his advising session that was supposed to happen this afternoon. He fumes at himself while typing up the email to his adviser begging to reschedule his appointment. This is the kind of shit he was supposed to quit doing when Lu Han set him straight last year, but he also feels about ten times worse today than he ever did last fall.

Sehun spends most of the day sleeping intermittently, too nauseated to eat anything, too exhausted to distract himself by reading or watching Netflix. Jongin is in class, and the silence in the apartment only serves to reinforce how desperately alone Sehun feels right now. He needs somebody, but he's not sure who. Obviously Jongin is out, since he's barely speaking to Sehun. He feels too ashamed of himself for falling apart and skipping class over a boy to call Lu Han, even though he's pretty sure Lu Han wouldn't be upset with him. Baekhyun would just worry, seeing him like this—he can't even peel himself out of bed to take a fucking _shower_.

But then his mind alights on someone else: _Jongdae_. He might understand.  
  
---  
  
Sehun texts Jongdae his address and then figures he'd better _actually_ get in the shower (and, like, brush his fucking teeth) so Jongdae won't think he's completely pathetic. He doesn't go as far as putting on real clothes, but he does change into a clean pair of sweats and a T-shirt and makes his bed before he flops back onto it to watch Vine compilations on YouTube until Jongdae arrives.

Sehun is a little glad Jongin isn't home when Jongdae rings the buzzer, because he really doesn't want Jongin to see him like this. Even Jongdae is a little taken aback by the bags under his eyes and the exhaustion in his pale face.

"You look like hell," Jongdae says, following him up the stairs. Sehun casts a withering look over his shoulder, and Jongdae puts his hands up. "I meant it in a nice way, like one of those heroin-chic supermodels or a vampire—y'know, mostly dead but still objectively hot? It's kind of infuriating, actually."

"That is by far the weirdest compliment I've ever received," Sehun snorts, letting Jongdae into the apartment. "Do you want anything to drink?"

"Nah, I got water in my bag," Jongdae says, so Sehun leads him to his room and closes the door. "No Jongin?"

Sehun sits at the head of his bed with his knees pulled into his chest. "That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Uh-oh." Jongdae toes his sneakers off and drops his messenger bag on the floor, then folds himself up cross-legged on the end of the bed. He fixes Sehun with one of those piercing stares. "What's going on?"

Sehun describes the freeze-out he's been getting from Jongin for almost an entire week, his voice dropping to a whisper by the end because his eyes are stinging and his throat is burning and if he talks any louder Jongdae will know he's about to start crying.

"Hey," Jongdae says in a soft voice as Sehun tries to surreptitiously dab the wetness away from the corner of one eye. He slides off the bed and grabs the box of tissues from Sehun's nightstand, then sits back down closer to Sehun, one leg folded underneath himself, the other hanging off the side of the bed. " _Hey_. It's fine. Don't hold back on my account."

"This is so fucking embarrassing," Sehun croaks, snatching a tissue out of the box and covering his eyes with it. "Crying over a guy. I skipped all of my classes today _and_ bailed on a meeting with my adviser, how fucking pathetic is that?"

"Well, Jongin's not just a guy, right?" Jongdae points out. "He's your friend, and on top of that, you live with him. So that's definitely gonna hurt more."

"And the worst thing is, I don't understand why he's doing this." Sehun's voice cracks. "I don't know what I _did_ , Jongdae."

Jongdae lets him cry for a minute, and then he sighs and nudges Sehun's legs aside. "C'mere."

The angle is weird, but Jongdae pulls him into a hug anyway, which only makes Sehun's shoulders shake harder because it's so unexpected. Jongdae just holds onto him, rubbing his back until he can pull himself together enough to talk again.

"I don't want to lose him," Sehun says in a hiccupy, forlorn voice when Jongdae lets go of him. "This whole thing sucks enough without losing my friend over it, too."

"Well, I have a solution for you," Jongdae sighs, "but you're going to hate it."

Sehun blows his nose. "What is it?"

"You have talk to him." Jongdae shrugs. "You have to ask him why he's acting weird. You might not like the answer you get, but this…" He sighs. "Sehun, you can't do this to yourself. You're not pathetic, but being so upset that you skip class and miss important appointments isn't normal, and you know it."

Sehun opens his mouth to defend himself, but Jongdae cuts him off. "You can be mad at me all you want, but you know I'm right. You have to find a better way to deal with setbacks, whether that means taking up, like, I don't know, transcendental meditation or some shit, or listening to self-help tapes, or seeing, y'know, a professional. Because this—" He gestures at Sehun, making a circular motion with his hand. "—is not sustainable. Not if you're going to live in the same house as Jongin for the rest of the year."

Sehun grits his teeth and fumes silently, staring determinedly at the loose threads drooping from the hem of his sweatpants.

"If— _if_ —I agree to, maybe, uh, talk to somebody," he says finally, his voice rough from crying, "then— then you have to do it, too. This 'do as I say, not as I do' shit is a total cop-out and you know it." He reaches out for a pinky swear.

Jongdae narrows his eyes at Sehun, studying his face for a moment, then shrugs and links pinkies. "Fair enough."

"No!" Sehun's face falls. "I thought you'd tell me to fuck off."

"Junmyeon's been dropping hints that I should talk to someone, but he's too nice to make a big deal out of it," Jongdae says with a wry smile. "I've been needing someone to really hold my feet to the fire, and I guess that someone is you. And if this is what it takes to keep you from making some of the mistakes I've made, then I should probably give it a shot."

"When did you find all this time to grow the fuck up in the last two weeks?" Sehun snaps.

"Don't be an asshole, Sehun." Jongdae rolls his eyes. "In all seriousness, though, when we talked at Baek's… I don't know. I guess seeing a lot of my problems from an outside perspective kinda made it clear I have some, uh, _issues_ to resolve. Which isn't anything I didn't already know, but now I don't think I can avoid it any longer. So thanks for the kick in the pants, I guess."

Sehun narrows his eyes. "How do I know you're going to hold up your end of the bargain?" 

"They email you a confirmation when you make an appointment, right? I'll screenshot it and send it to you." Jongdae points a finger at him. "But you have to send me yours, too. And if you don't, I'm going to get Baekhyun and we'll frog-march you over to the counseling center so you can do it in person. Junmyeon doesn't call us the terror twins for nothing."

"I seriously hate you so much," Sehun groans, burying his face in his hands.

"You really don't." Jongdae grins and looks at his watch. "We've got half an hour before I have to leave. Let's think about what you can say to Jongin tomorrow."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Between the two of them, Jongdae and Sehun come up with a pretty good speech, but all of their careful planning goes out the window on Friday afternoon when Jongin gets home and starts to make a beeline for his room with barely a word to Sehun, who's been watching the front door from the couch for half an hour with his heart pounding in his ears, feeling like a rubber band stretched almost to its breaking point. His adviser still hasn't gotten back to him about rescheduling his advising session; by contrast, Jongdae _had_ , in fact, made an appointment at the counseling center, which means Sehun has to hold up his end of the bargain (unfortunately). And now Jongin seems to have graduated to flat-out ignoring him, which gives Sehun a stomachache, and it's just… too fucking much for one person to handle.

"Hey!" Sehun's voice cuts through the silence as he stands up. "I need to talk to you."

Jongin freezes and slowly turns to face him. "About… ?"

"Why you've been acting so weird for almost a full week now." Sehun's too frustrated to be timid any longer. "You hardly talk to me, seems like you can barely even stand _looking_ at me, you're constantly finding excuses to not be in the same room as me…" He looks up at Jongin, helpless, trying to search for some kind of clue in his expression, but it's as unreadable as ever. "I don't get it, Jongin. I really don't. If I've done something to offend you, can you please just… tell me what it is already so I can apologize and stop stressing out over it?"

Jongin's mouth falls open slightly, and the shock on his face isn't totally unwarranted; Sehun knows he isn't exactly the most forthright person, especially in uncomfortable situations like this one.

"You didn't—" Jongin hedges, shaking off his moment of surprise. "I— I mean— well— it's your life. You can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter to me."

"That's— _what?_ " Sehun stares at Jongin, head cocked to the side in befuddlement. "What in the actual fuck is that supposed to mean? I didn't _do_ anything to you, but you've been giving me the cold shoulder since the day after the Halloween party anyway, even though everything seemed totally fine when I talked to you at the party."

He runs through that night in his head: seeing Jongin in the kitchen… their perfectly friendly conversation… going outside to haul Baekhyun's drunk ass off the ground… Yixing… _Yixing_ … Jongin's weird attitude the next morning…

Sehun holds up a hand and drags the other one down his face, shaking his head. "Hang on a second. This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I hooked up with Yixing, does it? Because you're friends with both of us and I know you're not some kind of bigot, so I can't imagine why that would bother you." He pauses, not exactly liking where his train of thought is leading him, but the words come out anyway. "Are you mad at me because you're into him or something? Because I don't like him like that and he doesn't like me that way, either. It was a one-time thing."

Jongin folds his arms, his expression inscrutable. "If you don't like him, then why’d you do it?"

"Why do you _care_?" Sehun doesn't really mean to raise his voice, but he’s so agitated that it comes out louder than he means it to. He huffs out a breath. "Jesus, if you need to know that badly, then fine. The kissing was just for fun. The rest—" He rubs a hand over his face with a snarl of irritation, gritting his teeth. "Look, I don’t date, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’ve never had sex, so I just felt like he was a safe person to practice on. Happy now?" The back of his neck burns hot with embarrassment. "God, I didn’t give _you_ the third degree when Irene waltzed out of here wearing your clothes on Saturday morning."

"Well, you wouldn’t, would you?" Jongin snaps, and Sehun's never heard him speak with such vitriol. "Because you don’t care. You don’t care about, like, anything. Ever. That’s your MO, isn't it?"

That hits Sehun like a punch to the gut.

"No," he says, sinking down onto the arm of the couch with his fingertips pressed into his temples, "it's not."

Sehun drops his hands to his sides after a moment and looks up at Jongin, exhausted and hurt. He should have just stuck to the plan. The plan didn't involve fighting with Jongin. His sinuses feel tight and his eyes are starting to smart.

 _God_ damn _it._

"I care, Jongin," Sehun says quietly, fiddling with the cuffs of his sweatshirt in his lap. "I care _a lot_ about— about some things. The important things."

Again Jongin looks a little surprised at his reaction; his body relaxes slightly, and it seems as though he'd been bracing for impact, expecting Sehun to shout right back at him. He doesn't say anything, however, so Sehun just keeps talking.

"Like this week. Clearly you thought I didn't care that you were freezing me out, or that I didn't notice, but guess what?" Sehun laughs hollowly, his voice cracking a little. "I'm not an idiot, Jongin, and I'm definitely not the soulless, unfeeling robot you seem to think I am."

Jongin's mouth drops open. "That's not what I—"

" _No._ " Sehun stands up, clenching his fists in frustration. "You don't— you don't get to interrupt me right now. You've barely spoken to me for days, and _now_ you wanna talk to me? No. The least you can do is give me, like, five fucking minutes of your afternoon to say my piece. I know you're busy. I'll keep it short."

Jongin seems taken aback by the sudden bitterness in his voice, but his mouth snaps shut and he has the decency to look a little contrite. Sehun turns away from him, slowly pacing back and forth in front of the couch.

"I mean, I guess I can't blame you for thinking I don't give a shit about anything. You're not the first person to make that assumption, and I'm sure you won't be the last." He presses the heels of his hands to his eyes with a short, mirthless laugh and a shake of his head. "But you know what, Jongin? I may not like talking about my feelings, but that— that doesn't mean I don't _have_ any. When you're a stupid little bleeding heart like I am, it's a hell of a lot easier to pretend like you don't care than it is to be torn up all the time. I thought if anyone could see through that smokescreen, it'd be you, but I guess I was wrong." His hands fall back to his sides. "I mean, do you have any idea how fucking exhausted I've been this week, acting like everything's fine while you blow me off and ignore me and avoid me? Do you get how tiring it is to— to wear a fucking mask all the time?"

Sehun can feel his eyes watering. He blinks hard before glancing up at Jongin, who opens his mouth for a moment like he wants to say something, but as soon as he meets Sehun's eyes, he looks away, chewing on his lower lip.

"Obviously, you don't—" Sehun takes a deep breath, knowing that if he doesn't say this now, then he never will. "—or maybe you'd understand why I'm a little closed off. It's because it _hurts_ , Jongin." His voice cracks, and he blinks a few times before adding more quietly, "It fucking hurts to feel the way I feel about you, knowing that you _clearly_ don't feel the same way about me."

Feeling sick to his stomach, Sehun stares determinedly at a stain on the carpet near his left foot, and he can't bring himself to look up when Jongin croaks out a response.

"What?"

When he finally summons the courage to make eye contact, the stunned and slightly horrified expression on Jongin's face makes Sehun wish he could turn back time or make the floor open beneath him and swallow him whole—or both, ideally. 

"I am such an idiot," Sehun mutters, his voice trembling just slightly. "Just— so fucking _stupid_ —"

He knows he's about to start crying for real, so he stands up and moves to go barricade himself in his room and maybe start looking for colleges that are still taking transfer applications for next semester.

"Wait!" Jongin reaches out and grabs Sehun by the arm as he attempts to pass by. Sehun tries to shake him off, but Jongin won't budge. "Sehun, _wait_. I don't— I don't understand. What are you saying?"

Sehun can't look him in the eye, so he tips his head back and blinks furiously to keep the tears from spilling over. There's no way out of this, though, and the words come out in a hoarse whisper: "I've had a big dumb crush on you since, like, freshman orientation."

There's a long pause, and then Jongin lets go of his arm. And that's it. _Poof._ There goes their entire friendship.

"Oh my god," Jongin groans in abject misery, covering his face with his hands. "I didn't— _shit_. I fucked up. I fucked up real bad."

Nothing matters anymore because Jongin is clearly disgusted with him, so Sehun lowers his head in spite of his bloodshot eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he asks thickly, exhausted.

"Okay, so, the first thing you need to know is that I am a fucking coward." Jongin drops his hands, and his face is lined with dread. "And the second thing is that taking Irene home after the party was a huge fucking mistake, like, I don't know, some kind of misguided attempt at revenge? Which completely backfired on me, obviously, because holding a grudge is like— like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die."

Sehun blinks, and Jongin continues to babble, gesturing wildly.

"But the thing is, you're not the bad guy in this situation— _I_ am. I didn’t sleep with her to hurt you. Honestly, I wasn't sure you'd even notice. I was just… so _angry_ at myself and at how jealous I felt when I saw you and Yixing sneak off from the party. I mean, watching you kiss him was bad enough, but tormenting myself wondering what was going on in that room…" Jongin grimaces, covering his face for a moment, then lets his hands drop to his sides. "I just… I really didn't want to be alone in that moment, so I started looking for a distraction, which only makes me angrier at myself in hindsight, because not only did that hurt you, it was also really unfair to Irene because I _totally_ used her and—"

"Wait, wait, wait, I don't get it." Sehun pushes his hair out of his eyes, his face screwed up in confusion. "You— you were jealous of _Yixing_?"

"Sehun," Jongin sighs, sounding impatient and amused and concerned all at once. He steps forward and puts his hands on Sehun's shoulders. Sehun looks at him with his heart in his throat, eyes wide and uncertain, and Jongin speaks slowly and deliberately. "Okay. I really need you to listen to me when I say this: I like you, too, Sehun. I like you a lot."

… _What in the everloving fuck?_

How is it that one minute they're in the worst fight they've ever had, and the next it's like they're in a poorly written rom-com? Sehun's listening to what Jongin is saying, but the words still aren't quite clicking in his head. No, he thinks— this has to be some kind of lucid dream, and he's five seconds from waking up, because this can't possibly be his reality. Nothing this good has ever happened to him in his entire life.

"I'm going to need you to repeat that," Sehun says after the shock wears off, his heart thundering in his chest, "because I think you just said you like me, and if you're fucking with me, Jongin, I swear to god, I'll—"

"I'm not," Jongin says quickly. "Joking, I mean. I like you, Sehun. _Like_ like you, y'know, in that big dumb crush, passing notes in class, 'Check yes if you want to go out with me' kind of way." With a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, he gently shakes Sehun's shoulders. "Get it through that thick skull of yours already."

Jongin likes him.

Jongin _likes_ him.

Much to his embarrassment, Sehun gets choked up all over again and has to clap his hands over his face to stifle a sob. "Sorry, sorry, I'm fine," he says quickly, flapping a hand at Jongin. "It's just— I've had a fucking horrible week and I just— really need to get this out of my system—"

"Hey." Jongin's voice is low and soothing. "Come here."

Gently, as if to allow Sehun the chance to pull away if he wants to, Jongin draws him in for a hug, his arms winding around Sehun's shoulders. "You don't owe me any kind of explanation," he murmurs. "I'm the one who should be apologizing, anyway."

With an almighty sniff, Sehun lets his hands drop from his face and tentatively rests them on Jongin's waist instead. "It's okay," he mumbles, his chin sinking into Jongin's shoulder.

"No, it's not okay," Jongin says vehemently. "That thing you said about how it was, like… painful to be around me? I guess I felt like that, too, but instead of actually, y'know, _talking_ to you about it, I was a passive-aggressive prick." His arms tighten around Sehun's shoulders. "It was just… fucking stupid and immature and _mean_ , and I'm really sorry I treated you like that. I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, you kind of are." Sehun inhales deeply, trying to stave off the hiccups, and smiles when Jongin laughs, pressing his cheek into Jongin's shirt. He slides his arms around Jongin's waist properly, and it occurs to Sehun that he and Jongin have hugged before, but those hugs—your average three-second-long, two-pats-on-the-back, "no homo" (well, not outwardly, anyway) bro hug—weren't even a fraction as intimate as this one. With his face this close to Jongin's neck, Sehun can smell hints of his cologne and body wash and his natural scent, and it's just as divinely comforting as he'd always imagined it would be. "But, y'know, I forgive you, and… well, at least everything's out in the open now."

"Yeah, I just wish it could have happened without us having to get into a screaming match first," Jongin sighs. "You had every right to be pissed at me, though. I'm sorry for snapping at you. And I don't think you're an emotionless robot, for the record."

"I know. I kind of figured that's what you were about to say when I interrupted you, but I got a little carried away." Sehun grimaces at himself and sighs. "God, that might have been the worst five minutes of my life so far," he whispers, not entirely sure he's being hyperbolic. "I don't— I don't want to fight with you like that ever again."

"Me either." Jongin loosens his hold on Sehun enough that he can take a step back to see him properly, but his hands remain on Sehun's shoulders.

Of course, it's only then that Sehun remembers what he must look like right now. "Oh, god, don't look at me," he groans, sniffling as he unwinds his arms from Jongin's waist and pulls his sleeves down over his hands so he can wipe his blotchy, tear-stained face.

Jongin beats him to the punch, though, gingerly blotting one cheek and then the other with the sleeve of his zip hoodie, a wry smile on his face. "Don't worry about the mess. I'll send you my dry cleaning bill."

With a shaky smile, Sehun lightly pounds Jongin's arm, the remaining tension in his limbs finally starting to fade. "Shut up."

"There we go." Jongin surveys his work and curls his hands around Sehun's shoulders, and Sehun tentatively slips his hands under the open front of Jongin’s zip hoodie to rest them on Jongin's waist again, his skin warm beneath the thin material of his T-shirt. Jongin smiles at him, and Sehun detects a hint of slyness in the curve of his mouth. "Y'know… there is exactly _one_ good thing about getting into a fight like this."

Sehun narrows his eyes. "And what's that?"

"The part where you have to kiss and make up." Jongin's eyebrows are slightly furrowed. "If you want to, I mean," he hurries to add.

" _Oh_ ," Sehun says, raising his eyebrows. He'd be lying if he said he didn't want to kiss Jongin, but it's not like he'd been _expecting_ it to happen, not after the heated conversation they'd just had. The prospect is too tempting to pass up, however. Sehun's face breaks into a shy smile, and he glances down for a second, feeling butterflies in this stomach. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

There's something inherently awkward about kissing another person for the first time, especially when your relationship began as a strictly platonic one. Sehun tries to keep this in mind so he doesn't get too nervous when he leans in to fit his mouth to Jongin's, tilting his head just a little to the left before he closes his eyes so the two of them don't accidentally bump noses. He feels like his heart is going to fly straight out of his chest, it's beating so fast, but something about the softness of Jongin's lips and the way his hand slides up to cradle the back of Sehun's head tethers him to reality.

 _See?_ Sehun tells himself. _He wants this just as much as you do._

Something clicks in Sehun's head at that, and his hands slowly slide from Jongin's waist to his back, pulling him just the tiniest bit closer as his palms flatten out against Jongin's spine. He sighs through his nose and leans into Jongin's embrace as Jongin's grip on his shoulder tightens. He never thought he'd get to hold Jongin like this, let alone kiss him, but before he can get too caught up in his feelings again, Jongin slowly eases out of the kiss and rests his forehead against Sehun's. Feeling slightly light-headed, Sehun keeps his eyes closed and kneads the back of Jongin's T-shirt with his fingertips as he tries to catch his breath.

 _I could do that for hours_ , Sehun thinks blissfully, and then feels completely mortified when he realizes he'd spoken the words aloud.

"Me too," Jongin laughs, his fingers sliding into Sehun's hair as he draws him in for another kiss, this one much briefer than the first. "We should talk about that, actually."

Sehun's eyes flutter open, his eyebrows knitting together. "What do you mean?"

"It's nothing bad, I swear." Jongin squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. "I just think we should take things slow, y'know? We're kind of doing this backwards as it is—most people don't already live together when they start dating."

 _Oh my god, Jongin and I are_ dating.

"Oh. Right." Sehun is grateful that Jongin has the presence of mind to think about this kind of thing, because Sehun hadn't given much thought to anything beyond Jongin liking him back; until today, even that had seemed like a long shot. "That's probably a good idea."

Jongin smiles at him—a real smile, the kind that lights up his entire face, the kind that Sehun has been missing all week. "I want to do this the right way," he says carefully, "so I'm thinking maybe we should sleep in our own rooms for now, and no, uh, below-the-belt action for a while, if you take my meaning."

Sehun can hardly think straight, having channeled most of his brainpower into keeping himself from visibly swooning over the fact that (a) Jongin seems to be the romantic type, and (b) he just alluded to wanting to stick his hand down Sehun's pants sometime in the near future. Still, he manages to nod in agreement. "That sounds reasonable."

"Great." Jongin's smile makes Sehun's heart thump against his ribcage. "What are your plans for tomorrow night?"

"I'm not sure yet. You know me, I have a very active social life." Sehun shrugs nonchalantly, but his lips twitch as his giddiness threatens to show itself on his face. "I guess I can pencil you in, though. Why?"

"No reason." Jongin grins at him. "I was just thinking we should make it official and, y'know, go on a date."

Sehun heart feels so full that he can't help himself—he leans in and kisses that smile right off of Jongin's face. "What are you doing right now?" he asks when they part, admiring the slightly dazed look in Jongin's eyes.

Jongin trails his fingers through the short hair at the nape of Sehun's neck, making goosebumps rise all over his neck and shoulders. "Absolutely nothing."

"Perfect," Sehun says cheerfully, allowing himself to lean into Jongin, "because I’ve been too nauseous and stressed out for the past three days to eat much, but now my appetite is back with a vengeance and I'm gonna need sustenance pretty soon or I may actually pass out."

"You wanna order a pizza?" Jongin asks, his eyebrows drawn together in concern, like he thinks Sehun's going to hit the floor at any moment.

Sehun's eyes roll up toward the ceiling as he pretends to think it over, and then he lifts one eyebrow at Jongin. "Can we make out while we wait for it to show up?"

"Sure," Jongin laughs, shaking his head. "I'll go call it in. Go sit down so I don't have to peel your dead weight off the floor if you decide to fall unconscious sometime in the next three minutes."

Sehun sighs in an exaggerated fashion. " _Fine_."

He moves to resume his position on the couch, watching over the back cushion as Jongin pulls out his phone to call in their usual order. Jongin makes an impatient hand gesture when he's placed on hold, but then he glances at Sehun and smiles, and suddenly Sehun's not entirely sure it's the hunger that's making him feel this loopy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter originally ended after the scene with jongdae and sehun, but it would have been a pretty short chapter and i couldn't leave sehun miserable for a whole 'nother week, so i decided to combine chapters six and seven (which also would have been a fairly short chapter on its own). i also combined a couple chapters later in the story for thematic reasons, so it looks like the finished story will be nineteen chapters long now. (fitting, i guess, since they're both nineteen years old in this fic.)
> 
> FINALLY, though: our first dose of Actual Sekai Content. i'm sorry you had to wait this long for it!!! i hope it was worth the wait (especially because i rewrote that fight scene, like, five times between june 2018 and last week, rofl). i think i mentioned this in the chapter one notes, but originally the fic was gonna end here and they were gonna bang and that was it, and then i realized that was _insane_ , and y'all know how much this bitch looooves verisimilitude. so get ready to watch these two goofballs navigate the uncharted waters of a friendship-turned-relationship!!
> 
> a few new additions to the soundtrack for this week: "[the louvre](https://open.spotify.com/track/5q4BpnMrYEFzLO0dYODj6J)" by lorde ('cause i cribbed the line about jongin's punctuation use from this song), "[bleeding heart](https://open.spotify.com/track/3X9p5eY14B8BjWUPO1U0N3)" by regina spektor ('cause sehun makes reference to being a bleeding heart), and "[el tango de roxanne](https://open.spotify.com/track/606WoZeEY2gs7wCne8VPUN)" from the _moulin rouge_ soundtrack ('cause jongin was giving off serious christian vibes when sehun went into yixing's room, lmao).
> 
> anyway, that's all for this week! i'll be back next week—same time, same place, same dumb cute boys going on their first daaaaate~ ♥ in the meantime, leave a comment or hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)!!


	7. november 8, a saturday

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⭑ ⭒ ⭑

It's a Saturday night, and for the first time in his life, Sehun has a date.

A date with Jongin.

With _Jongin_.

Sehun still can't quite believe that the thing he wanted most in the world is actually happening. There's a little part of him that's still wondering if he's been Incepted and is currently inside some kind of crazy lucid dream within a dream. He's had butterflies in his stomach ever since Jongin first kissed him, and he was so giddy over it that he didn't fall asleep until well after three in the morning.

Jongin was right, though: dating your roommate fundamentally changes the dynamics of your relationship. Sehun was too busy thinking about getting to the dating part in the first place to consider this, and now he's got a whole new set of anxieties to contend with. First, because the boundary lines haven't been redrawn quite yet (Is he allowed to kiss Jongin whenever he wants? How does Jongin feel about holding hands in public? Is he into spontaneous cuddling on the couch while watching TV?), and second, because he's unsure about what comes after all of that.

It's not unusual for a guy his age to constantly have sex on the brain… but these aren't the fun kind of sexy thoughts. For the longest time, all of his more prurient daydreams about Jongin were tinged with guilt and shame, and it's hard to kick that association overnight. And even if he could, there's still the complicating factor of Jongin being his closest friend at school—and once you sleep with someone, Sehun reasons with himself, it's probably kind of hard to go back to being just friends, and that's assuming things ended amicably. Sehun doesn't want to entertain the notion of this thing between them ending just as it begins—the idea of parting from Jongin at all, let alone on bad terms, is too horrible to even imagine—but it looms in the back of his mind regardless.

But even if Sehun envisions a scenario where everything's just fine between them, he still can't help but feel nervous. He wants Jongin with every fiber of his being—wants to kiss him and touch him, taste him and feel him, wring pleasure from him so completely that he feels it in the very marrow of his bones—and he wants Jongin to want _him_ that way, too. But jerking off to those kinds of fantasies is one thing; knowing he could actually bring them to fruition in due time is entirely another. It's a level of power and control over his life that he's always possessed, but he didn't understand that until now, and that knowledge is more than a little frightening to him.

(Sehun had _also_ never realized it was possible to be simultaneously wildly horny and utterly petrified, so the past twenty-four hours has just been chock full of revelations.)

Sehun is somewhat soothed, however, by the fact that Jongin has clearly thought this through—certainly more than Sehun has, anyway. Based on the ground rules he'd laid out the day before, Jongin seems to understand that there's going to be an adjustment period and that they're going to have to get to know each other all over again, albeit in a slightly different way. But more than that, he just seems to know what he's doing in all facets of life, so Sehun thinks he'll just follow Jongin's lead for now and hope it doesn't all go up in flames.

Sehun knows he can't really judge properly because they've been dating for approximately twenty-four hours, but it seems to be going okay so far. After plying Sehun with pizza and Gatorade—

"You know, to replenish the electrolytes you lost from all that crying," Jongin said, half sincere and half teasing, as he sat back down on the couch and offered the bottle to Sehun.

Sehun's response was to narrow his eyes and scrunch up his mouth as he yanked the bottle away from Jongin with one hand while flipping the bird at him with the other.

"Do you roast everyone you date, or just me?" he asked.

"Nah." Jongin slung his arm around Sehun's shoulders and hauled him in for a loud, wet kiss on the cheek. "You're special."

—Jongin had asked him if there was anywhere in particular he'd like to go on their date, so they're having dinner at Sehun's favorite Japanese place. Jongin had also suggested they do it properly and dress up a little—"I live in sweatpants, please let me have this," he begged—so Sehun zips out for a quick haircut that afternoon and immediately comes home to empty half the contents of his closet onto his bed in an attempt to cobble together a halfway decent outfit. He settles on the dark blue cashmere sweater his parents gave him last Christmas, a pair of gray jeans that happen to make his ass look especially good, and his nicest shoes, the ones he used for his Halloween costume.

Jongin knocks on his bedroom door at seven, and he looks like a fucking dreamboat in a simple white button-down under a long black wool coat and black jeans tucked into a pair of short black leather boots.

"You look…" Sehun leans against the doorway and whistles lowly. "Wow."

Jongin grins and shakes his hair out of his eyes. "You look pretty wow, too. Ready to go?"

Sehun nods, jacket in hand. "Lead the way."

The restaurant isn't terribly far from their apartment and it's not too cold out, so they decide to walk. Sehun isn't wearing gloves, though, so a few minutes into their walk, Jongin links his right hand with Sehun's left and pulls their joined hands up and into his pocket.

"What?" Jongin says innocently when Sehun looks at him in surprise. "It's cold."

Sehun suppresses a grin. God, he hasn't been this happy in _weeks_. "Suuuuure."

They walk quietly together for a few minutes, but then Sehun starts to feel like the silence is a little awkward, so he voices the first thought that pops into his head. "Hey, I have a question." Jongin makes a little noise of acknowledgment. "I told you how long I've liked you. How long have you liked _me_?"

Jongin rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. "Hmm… I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I guess I always thought you were cute. Like, from when you friended me on Facebook after we got our roommate assignments. I think I kind of realized I was into you over the summer because I missed seeing you so much—more than a person usually misses their friend, anyway."

"I missed you, too." Sehun's chest suddenly feels too full. "As much as school is a pain in my ass, I couldn't wait for the summer to be over. I just wanted to see you." He shakes his head with a little laugh. "I felt like such a masochist, though, because I wasn't even sure you were into guys."

"Well, I, for one, am grateful for your boundless optimism." Jongin laughs. "I'm what they call an equal opportunity pleasure seeker."

Sehun squints at him. "Did you get that from Yixing? I've heard him use that exact term before."

Jongin glances down with a sheepish smile. "Yeah, it seemed like the perfect descriptor."

Sehun's quiet for a moment. "I hope you're not upset with him," he says finally.

"I'm not." Jongin squeezes his hand. "I never was, really. I was pissed at myself. We're good, I promise."

"Okay." Sehun rubs his thumb over Jongin's. "I didn't— I didn't sleep with him, for the record."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Jongin says firmly.

"I know, but I just want to, like… clear the air." Sehun's other hand fidgets in his pocket. "Is that okay?"

Jongin nods.

"Okay." Sehun takes a deep breath. "So. You asked me why I hooked up with him if I didn't even like him, and it seemed like that really bothered you. But the thing is, I didn't go to that party looking for a hookup. It just kinda happened, so I went along with it." He pauses, sighing in frustration. "That makes it sound like I didn't want to do it. I did. But you have to understand that part of my motivation was that I didn't—" His stomach lurches unpleasantly, and his face feels very hot in spite of the cool weather. "Ah, shit, this is more air-clearing than I meant to do."

"I mean, you kind of already hinted at this yesterday," Jongin points out. "I seem to remember you yelling at me—hey, I deserved it, no questions there—about needing someone to practice on."

"Yeah, so… god, this is so dumb. I didn't— ugh. Okay." Sehun cringes and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. "I didn't want you to be, like… put off by my lack of experience, I guess? Y'know, in the event anything ever happened, which I didn't actually expect it to because at the time I thought I was pathetically chasing after a straight guy." _Oh my god shut up shut up shut_ up _!_ "So, anyway, what I meant to say is that I don't feel bad or guilty about what I did, because I got what I wanted out of it, which was to feel like I knew what the hell I was doing, at least a little bit. But I do feel bad that it hurt you in the process."

"That was sort of my own fault, though." Jongin smiles ruefully. "I mean, you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take, right?" Sehun rolls his eyes with an indulgent smile. "Seriously, though, I see where you're coming from. But, y'know, just in the interest of full disclosure, I would never be put off by something that trivial. Not that I'm trying to discount your feelings!" he clarifies. "It's just— that kind of thing isn't a dealbreaker for me, and honestly, anyone who _would_ consider it a dealbreaker is kind of an asshole."

Sehun smiles, amused by the fact that Jongin has echoed Baekhyun's words on this topic almost verbatim. He feels a little less anxious now that he's gotten that off his chest, but then Jongin looks at him curiously.

"So… you've thought about us, like—" 

" _Nooooo_ ," Sehun groans, covering his face. "I've said too much already."

Jongin elbows him, laughing. "Come on, have you?"

"Jongin, please, you'll think I'm such a creep," Sehun whines, suddenly wishing Jongin's grip on his hand were looser so he could cover the blush that is most assuredly creeping its way up his neck.

"Well, if you're a creep, then so am I," Jongin declares, hooking his free hand around Sehun's elbow to tug him closer.

Sehun drops his hand from his face and casts a sidelong look at Jongin. Jongin thinks about _him_ like that?

"Remember a couple weeks ago when I came out of the bathroom and almost put you through the wall because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going?" Jongin laughs at himself quietly and glances down at the sidewalk. "I might have let my imagination run away with me a little once I went in my room."

_Holy shit._

Sehun clears his throat. "I remember that day very well."

Jongin looks up sharply, an impish smirk on his face. "Yeah?"

Sehun nods emphatically. "It took every ounce of willpower I had not to stick my tongue down your throat." There were a lot of other things he wanted to do after that, but he's embarrassed himself enough for one night.

"Part of me kind of wishes you had," Jongin admits, laughing. "But I think we might have gotten carried away with ourselves, so maybe it's for the best things played out the way they did."

"Yeah. I mean, this week sucked ass until yesterday, but… I don't think I'd do anything differently." Sehun takes a moment to think it over. "Because if I hadn't gotten all wound up that night, I wouldn't have gone to Baekhyun's the next day, which means I'd still think Jongdae was a total jackass when he's really only a little bit of a jackass. I really hate that 'everything happens for a reason' garbage, but it sort of applies in this case."

"It really does." Jongin gradually slows his pace to a stop and hangs onto Sehun's arm to make him stop as well, then turns to face him, their fingers still entwined in Jongin's pocket. "I meant what I said last night, though. I really don't want to fuck this up."

"Neither do I," Sehun says earnestly. _Because if I fuck this up, I lose you twice._

"Okay then," Jongin says, and the tension in his face eases into a soft smile. He curls his free hand around the back of Sehun's neck as he steps in for a kiss. Pleasantly surprised, Sehun makes a soft sound in the back of his throat and lifts his free hand to rest his palm against Jongin's chest, and he feels a little lightheaded from the tenderness of it all (though his growling stomach certainly isn't helping matters).

His eyelids flutter open when Jongin pulls back, still smiling, and starts to gently tug him down the sidewalk. "We'd better eat soon or we'll be late for the movie."

Sehun squeezes his hand. "Let's go."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Their date isn't super different from other times they've grabbed dinner or gone to see a movie, except this time they're better dressed and Sehun had sprung for the nicer seats in the back of the theater with the armrests that go up so that they could sit closer together and hold hands and Sehun could lean his head against Jongin's shoulder. It's sort of cliché, as far as first dates go, but they're taking it slow, and dinner and a movie is about as traditional as it gets.

They Uber back to the apartment because it's after eleven by the time the movie gets out and much colder than it was when they left the house. Sehun pulls out his keys as they walk up the front steps and unlocks the door.

"Hey," Jongin says, putting a hand on his arm before Sehun can walk through the doorway, and Sehun turns to face him. "So… this is super lame, and I'm well aware that we're going up to the same apartment _and_ that neither of us is probably going to bed immediately, but I'm going to kiss you goodnight anyway."

"I— I don't think that's lame at all," Sehun says, his pulse quickening as Jongin steps toward him, backing him up against the doorframe.

"Oh." Jongin smiles, looking a little relieved. "Well, in that case…"

There are just enough neurons firing correctly in Sehun's brain to remind him to drape his arms around Jongin's shoulders before Jongin clutches the lapels of his coat and kisses him deeply. Sehun tilts his head just slightly to the left, folding one arm a little more tightly around Jongin's shoulders to hold him close while his other hand sifts through Jongin's hair. He scrunches a handful between his fingers, eliciting a soft little sound from Jongin that warms Sehun from head to toe. A similar noise catches in Sehun's throat when Jongin breaks the kiss and presses his nose into Sehun's neck.

"We should go upstairs." Jongin's voice is slightly muffled by the collar of Sehun's jacket.

Sehun pouts and rests his hands on Jongin's shoulders. " _Fine_."

Jongin takes his his hand again as he leads Sehun inside and upstairs. Sehun locks the door behind them once they're inside and has only just hung up his jacket when Jongin grabs his hand and spins him around, encircling Sehun in his arms once again, but this time with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I only said that we should go upstairs." Jongin guides Sehun into the living room. "Not that we should stop kissing."

_God, I love you._

Sehun slides his hand back into Jongin's hair and pulls him in for another kiss, this one decidedly less languid than the others. One of Jongin's arms is tightly wrapped around his waist, fingers curling into the soft fabric of Sehun's sweater while his other palm slides up Sehun's spine, holding him close.

Jongin's heels hit the front of the couch and he stops abruptly, glancing behind him and then back at Sehun. "Is this okay?"

The inside of Sehun's chest is all warm and his stomach is doing cartwheels and Jongin is _holding him_ and it's the best feeling in the whole goddamn world. He nods.

"Here, maybe…" Sehun lets go of Jongin for long enough to reach around him and push the back cushions up and over the edge of the sofa, letting them fall on the floor behind the couch. "More room that way?"

"You're a genius," Jongin says with a breath of laughter, reaching out for him again. "A very cute genius."

" _Jongin_ ," Sehun whines, clutching his arms and hiding his face in Jongin's shoulder.

"I said what I said," Jongin murmurs, turning his head to press his lips to Sehun's earlobe. He pauses when Sehun shivers in his arms and lifts a hand to trace the shell of his ear with a fingertip, catching the lobe between his thumb and forefinger and gauging Sehun's reaction, which is to curse under his breath. "So… you like having your ears played with, huh?"

 _Please don't get a boner_ , Sehun prays silently to himself as he lifts his head. "I don't know. Maybe. A little."

"Interesting," Jongin says with a sneaky smile, carefully pulling Sehun down onto the couch with him. "I'll be sure to remember that."

It takes them a minute of awkward fumbling to find a position that works, but having the full width of the couch cushion definitely helps things. Once they're comfortably lying beside each other, Sehun draws Jongin for another kiss with a hand on his cheek, his tongue sliding against Jongin's as though it's second nature and not, like, the third time they've ever done this.

At some point, Jongin's fingertips sneak just under the hem of his sweater and fan out over the skin of his lower back, and the rush of heat his touch sends through Sehun's body makes him feel like his ears are on fire. Warmth begins to pool low in Sehun's belly, and he has to force himself to pull away a few minutes later, if only to keep the half-chub in his pants from making its presence obvious to Jongin. With his face still hovering over Jongin's, he cracks one eye open to take in his tousled hair, the flush in his cheeks, the rosy swell of his lower lip.

Unable to resist that kind of temptation, he kisses Jongin one last time, then shifts slightly so he can roll slightly onto his stomach and Jongin can lie on his back. It's a tight fit—they're both tall and on the broader side, Sehun especially—but there's just enough room for him to drape his upper body over Jongin's chest and rest his head over Jongin's heart. Sehun has spent a lot of time thinking about what this moment would look like, if it ever happened, but no daydream can compare to actually pressing his cheek against the fabric of Jongin's shirt and inhaling the spicy heart notes of his cologne.

"Why'd you stop?" Jongin complains, laughing as he runs his fingers through Sehun's hair. 

Sehun has to try very hard not to literally purr when Jongin does this, and focuses on answering the question instead. He rubs his face against Jongin's shirt. "Because we're supposed to be taking it slow and I think I'm getting too worked up."

Jongin's hand stills in his hair, and Sehun feels a little apprehensive until Jongin says, "You can't say stuff like that, 'cause it just makes me want to drag you right back up here."

A little pang of heat flares in Sehun's chest, and he tilts his head up slightly to look at Jongin. "Yeah, and when you say stuff like _that_ , it makes me want to kiss that dumb smirk right off your face," he retorts playfully, though he's a little more subdued when he averts his eyes and adds, "But I'm not sure I'd be able to stop. Kinda feels like my brain and the rest of my body aren't speaking the same language right now."

"I see," Jongin says knowingly, winding his arms around Sehun's back. "I know what that's like, though. You don't know how many times I've had a seemingly normal conversation with you while simultaneously fighting off the urge to jump you."

Sehun bursts into a fit of incredulous laughter. It seems ludicrous—cool, calm, collected Jongin losing his mind over _Sehun_? "Bullshit! Like when?"

"Not to bring up a sore subject, but the most recent example that comes to mind is Halloween, when I ran into you in the kitchen. You turned around from the fridge and I got a load of you in your costume…" Jongin whistles lowly. "You looked _hot_."

Sehun's face is _burning_ , so he deflects the compliment. "You know, thinking back on it, I was kind of wondering how you knew it was me, because I had my head in the fridge and you hadn't seen my costume before then."

Jongin hesitates. "This is gonna make me sound like a total dirtbag," he says, eliciting another surge of heat in Sehun's chest, "but I would recognize that butt _anywhere_."

" _Jesus_ , Jongin," Sehun whispers, the fire in his cheeks radiating out to his ears as he buries his face in Jongin's chest.

"What? It's a cute butt!" Jongin laughs sheepishly. "I warned you!"

Sehun can't decide whether he's pleased or embarrassed or aroused or some combination of the three. This inner turmoil doesn't stop his body from making a decision, however. Sehun's erection is back almost as soon as he gets it under control, and this time it means business. He starts looking for an exit strategy.

"What time is it?" he asks after a moment, affecting a sleepy voice— _sleepier_ , anyway; he is actually a little tired.

Jongin lifts his left arm to check his watch and glances at Sehun with mild disappointment. "Almost midnight. Going to bed already?"

"Mmhmm." Sehun carefully wriggles himself out of Jongin's embrace, angling his hips away as much as he can without making it look obvious. Ever the flirt, he grins at Jongin before vaulting over the back of the couch and picking up the cushions. "Kissing takes a lot out of you. And besides, I was so excited I barely slept last night."

Jongin's pout morphs into an understanding smile. "Yeah, I had a hard time falling asleep, too." He sits up and shifts so he's kneeling on the couch, then helps Sehun replace the cushions. When they've straightened everything out, Jongin reaches out to tug on the hem of Sehun's sweater. "C'mere."

Blessedly, the back of the couch shields his hard-on from Jongin's notice, so he's free to loop his arms around Jongin's shoulders and lean into him when Jongin tilts his head up for a kiss. This kiss is gentle and sweet, filled with such affection that it makes Sehun's chest ache, and he'd love nothing more than to crawl inside this moment and stay here forever. Eventually, though, Jongin's lips break away from his own, brushing against his cheek and then his earlobe (the tease), sending goosebumps down Sehun's neck.

"Good night," Jongin whispers.

Sehun presses his cheek against Jongin's and hugs him tightly. "'Night."

 _I love you_ , he thinks, then heads to the bathroom for a cold shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please excuse the lateness of this post! getting it in juuuuuust under the wire, since it's still friday on the US east coast... this day rly got away from me, good grief. you know that feeling you get right before you're about to travel (we going✈️ redmare in newark this weekend!!! gonna see my pineapple princess kang seulgi in the flesh!!! 😭😭😭) where you have, like, five million things to do before you leave and you never manage to get all of them done? that's been my entire goddamn week, UGH. (but we got to play the frying pan game in my korean class yesterday, so that was fun.)
> 
> anyway, at least sekai are trying to be emotionally honest with each other and are having a good time... getting to know each other in a new way—let's put it that way. as you can probably imagine, the inconvenient boners are only going to become more awkward from here, lmao. also, in case you were wondering, yes—i'm still not over [sehun's most recent appearance at LV cruise week](https://flic.kr/p/LtVMGu) (GOD, HE IS SO!!! BROAD!!! just wanna bash my fuckin' head into his chest like a brick wall lakdlasjdlf). i first wrote this scene last may while i took a weeklong staycation from work that coincided with LV cruise and his outfit in the fic is rather transparently inspired by the real-life one, lmao. jongin's outfit is a [combo](https://data.whicdn.com/images/194689919/large.png) of [a few](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ck2FJ7HUkAApodt.jpg) of his (friggin' fantastic) [airport looks](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/59/67/7a/59677a0f7df1cd195709a7469a6030cf.jpg).
> 
> this week's additions to the playlist: "[playdate](https://open.spotify.com/track/1OCheuNSzM6kBF1d6yWaeh)" by EXO-CBX (because it's a saturday night and also that entire mini album slaps) and "[first date](https://open.spotify.com/track/1fJFuvU2ldmeAm5nFIHcPP)" by blink-182 (because ~90s kids only~ and also for very obvious reasons).
> 
> thanks again to everyone who's been sticking with this; i really appreciate hearing from you! i hope you enjoy this chapter. :3 until next week~
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)


	8. one week | november 10–16

At lunchtime on Monday, Sehun parks himself at his usual table in the dining hall and waits for Baekhyun to show up. He pulls out his phone to check his email and text messages in the meantime and finds that Jongin had texted while Sehun was in his computer science lecture to tell him that he has a late dance practice this evening and to ask if he wants to grab dinner beforehand.

Sehun begins to type out a response, biting his lip to suppress the giddy smile threatening to take over his face, but suddenly a cafeteria tray is slammed down across the table from Sehun, startling him so badly that he drops his phone.

Sehun ducks under the table to pick it up and checks the screen for cracks; none, thankfully. When he straightens, he sees Baekhyun glaring at him with his hands on his hips.

Sehun glares right back, annoyed and bewildered. "What the fuck?"

"I can't believe I had to hear about you and Jongin from _Jongdae_ , of all people." The scowl melts from Baekhyun's face and he drops into his chair with a pout. "Have I been replaced?"

"Don't be melodramatic." Sehun rolls his eyes. "I was going to tell you today. I only told Jongdae because he helped me out a little bit on Thursday. Until this morning, I don't think I spoke to anyone besides Jongin since I got home from class on Friday."

He felt a little strange when he woke up this morning, knowing he'd have to go back to real life after two glorious days alone with Jongin. But today is already a vast improvement on almost every other Monday he's experienced in college thus far because today he got to kiss Jongin on his way out the door.

"Ah, yes." Baekhyun stabs a fork into his salad with a wistful sigh. "You're in the bubble."

Sehun takes a sip of his Diet Coke. "The what now?"

"The bubble," Baekhyun repeats, his tone one of fond exasperation. "The honeymoon period. It's what happens right after you start dating somebody you really like, when they're the only thing you can think about and you just want to bask in the warm glow of love and fuck on every surface within reach. Speaking of which," he says with a waggle of his eyebrows, "how'd _that_ go?"

The back of Sehun's neck grows very hot all of a sudden. "It didn't. We didn't."

"Seriously?" Baekhyun drops his fork onto the tray. "But… but you're both so hot! People that hot should always be fucking!"

"Shut _up_ ," Sehun whines. He claps his hands over his face, flattered but embarrassed all the same, and peeks through his fingers at Baekhyun. "Jongin pointed out that most people don't already live together when they start dating, so he doesn't think we should rush things."

"Oh, shit." Baekhyun bares his teeth in a grimace. "I hadn't even considered that angle."

"Me either." Sehun lowers his hands and pops a tater tot into his mouth. "Thank god one of us has a working brain."

"Eh, it's not your fault." Baekhyun shrugs and picks up his fork, resuming his lunch. "Love makes everyone a little dumb from time to time. Your brain'll do just about anything for a hit of that sweet, sweet oxytocin and dopamine."

Sehun pulls a face. "Wow, that's super romantic."

"Scientifically speaking, it is." Baekhyun points his fork at Sehun. "Those are the neurotransmitters that are responsible for romantic love."

"Nerd," Sehun sneers, but Baekhyun would know, being a biochem major.

"Anyway, what happened with you guys?" Baekhyun wiggles with excitement. "I need details."

Sehun relays the events of the weekend—the fight, the confession, the date, the kissing—and rests his chin in his hands, a dreamy expression on his face. "It's just so _nice_ , y'know?" He sighs. "I just… I feel really good, hyung."

"I bet." Baekhyun smiles. "And I'm really happy for you. Just…" There's an odd look on his face that Sehun can't quite read. "Don't let it consume you, y'know? It's really easy to get caught up in the rush of a new relationship and get all infatuated—"

"I'm not _infatuated_ ," Sehun protests, bristling slightly. "I— I'm— this isn't a game to me, Baekhyun."

"I know it isn't," Baekhyun says hurriedly. "That was a bad choice of words. I just meant that it's good to, like… get out of the bubble once in a while, y'know? Come up for air and all that. You both need to make time to be separate people outside of your relationship, that's all."

"It's not like we're joined at the hip," Sehun says, sitting back in his chair and folding his arms. "He has his stuff, I have my stuff." Sehun doesn't elaborate on what, exactly, his _stuff_ is, because he can't quite think of anything at the moment, so he forges onward, a little pink in the face. "We're fine."

"I know. I'm just saying—" Baekhyun shakes his head. "I don't know what I'm saying. I guess this is advice I'd give anyone, is all. I'm not trying to pick on you, Sehun."

"I know," Sehun mumbles, spearing another tater tot on the end of his fork. "You're just looking out for me." He glances up at Baekhyun, who's looking at him with apprehension on his face, and offers him a little smile. "Thanks, hyung."

"Anytime," Baekhyun says, visibly relaxing. "And I mean that—you can talk to me about anything, anytime." He narrows his eyes at Sehun. "Which means that if I have to hear any other major developments secondhand from Jongdae, I'm going to have to kill you."

Sehun bursts out laughing, and whatever tension remains between them evaporates completely. "I promise, if anything exciting happens, you'll be the first to know."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

The first week of Sehun and Jongin's relationship passes with little fanfare, largely because beyond telling Jongdae and Baekhyun, Sehun's been mum on the subject; it's still new and Sehun just wants to keep it (and Jongin) to himself for a little while longer. And although some things about their relationship have changed, many others remain the same. There's the basic fact that they're still roommates, which necessitates coordinating payments for rent and utilities and gently nagging each other to do the damn dishes, among other tasks. They still hit the dining hall a few evenings a week like they always have, because who wants to cook every night? And they still take time to hang out after class or practice and catch up on the day's events, too; it's just that now they can curl up right next to each other on the couch and hold hands and make out while they do that. Plus, Sehun has discovered that bribing Jongin with kisses is a good way to get him to take out the trash. All in all, it's pretty great.

They still haven't quite graduated beyond kissing, although every day one of them tries to push the envelope a little further than the day before: hands creeping higher and higher up the backs of each other's shirts, fingers hooking into belt loops, warm lips on each other's necks. Sehun quickly discovers that Jongin is very generous with his affections—which is to say, handsy as _fuck_ —often without even realizing it. He plays absently with Sehun's fingers, lets Sehun rest his head in Jongin's lap and runs his fingers through Sehun's hair, and his palm seems to gravitate naturally to Sehun's leg whenever they're sitting on the couch together. He also has an incredibly sharp memory when it comes to things Sehun likes, lavishing attention on Sehun's ears and neck whenever they stop to catch their breath while kissing, enough to elicit a number of embarrassing little noises from Sehun and even making him pop a boner once that Jongin _definitely_ notices but is too polite to point out.

On Saturday night they go out again, except this time Sehun lets Jongin pick the restaurant (the fried chicken place he likes) and what they do afterwards (go bowling). Sehun isn't much of a bowler to begin with, but Jongin standing behind him and positioning him to improve his form while he whispers advice in Sehun's ear doesn't help him focus _at all_. So it's no surprise that they're both wound up by the time they get home, and it certainly explains why they nearly take a nasty spill attempting to kiss while climbing up the stairs to their apartment. Sehun's hands are jittery unlocking the door, what with Jongin's arms wrapped around his waist from behind and his lips on Sehun's neck.

Their coats are hastily unbuttoned and unzipped and dropped on the floor as Jongin steers them into the living room. They never make it to the couch, however.

"Fuck," Sehun half-shouts, breaking the kiss suddenly as he stumbles over something on the living room carpet and loses his balance, falling backward and taking Jongin down with him. He lets go of Jongin to break his own fall, throwing his arms out as his ass hits the floor.

Jongin lets out a yell of his own as he drops to his knees, falling forward with his hands planted on the carpet on either side of Sehun's waist to avoid knocking the wind out of him. He glances behind him to see what made Sehun trip and looks back at Sehun with a guilty expression. "My bad," he says, sitting back on his heels and pointing to his laptop charger, yanked out of the wall socket by their fall.

Sehun glares at the offending cord and flops back onto the carpet with a little moan. " _Ow._ "

Jongin scoots closer to Sehun, biting his lip in concern. "Are you okay?"

Sehun lifts one arm to inspect it. "Yeah. Banged my elbow a little, though."

Jongin leans in to look at his elbow and glances back up at Sehun with a teasing smile. "You want me to kiss it better?"

"Shut up," Sehun laughs, trying to swat at Jongin's chest with the back of his hand.

Jongin catches his hand and holds him still as he ducks his head and presses his lips to Sehun's elbow. "Any more injuries to report?" he asks, releasing Sehun with a grin.

 _Oh_ , Sehun thinks, trying to suppress a smile. _This could be fun._

"Hmm…" Sehun folds his arms behind his head. "I guess my neck kinda hurts." 

Jongin nods seriously as he stretches out next to Sehun, and Sehun tries not to shiver too hard as Jongin leaves a slow line of kisses up one side of his neck and down the other. "Anything else?" he murmurs, ever so gently catching Sehun's earlobe between his teeth.

Sehun sucks in a long breath and smiles. "… I think I may have bitten my tongue when I hit the ground?"

"Just as I suspected," Jongin says sagely, but Sehun catches a hint of mischief in his expression when he lifts his head to kiss Sehun properly. Sehun's lips part for Jongin almost as soon as their mouths meet, and a soft sigh escapes through his nose when Jongin cups his cheek in one hand. Jongin's thumb is still brushing over Sehun's cheekbone when he eases back, his eyes crinkled up in a smile. "All good now?"

Sehun squeezes one eye shut and rolls onto his side, thinking. "Well, I mean, technically I did fall right on my ass…"

Jongin rolls his eyes. "Nice try," he snorts.

Sehun shrugs, grinning. "Just wanted to see how far you were planning to take this bit."

"Yeah?" Jongin sends him a challenging look and extends his arm like he's going to put it around Sehun's waist, but instead he drapes it over Sehun's hip and slowly pats him on the ass three times. "How's that?"

Sehun's eyebrows shoot upward, and Jongin moves to withdraw his hand, looking slightly abashed, but Sehun catches him with a hand around the wrist, making him stay put. His heart smacks against his sternum with one almighty thump as he rolls forward to kiss Jongin again, this time with a little more intent. He lets go of Jongin's wrist and slides his hand up the length of Jongin's arm, fingers curling around his bicep.

Jongin responds with equal enthusiasm, his palm still resting on Sehun's ass, and he gently nudges Sehun's legs apart with one of his knees so he can scoot closer. Sehun's stomach flip-flops like he's in one of those skyscraper express elevators as he hooks his ankle around Jongin's and leans into him, his other arm sliding across the carpet to cradle Jongin's neck, and it backflips yet again when Jongin moans softly into his mouth and starts to rub his ass.

 _Fuck_ , Sehun curses in silent frustration, feeling himself getting hard and knowing he has to stop this before he does something stupid like dry-hump Jongin's leg (which sounds really, _really_ good right about now).

With a slight whine caught in the back of his throat, Sehun breaks the kiss and rolls onto his back, panting, his cheeks flushed.

Jongin lets out a snort of laughter, similarly breathless. " _Shit._ "

Sehun stares up at the slowly rotating blades of the ceiling fan as he breathes deeply in an effort to calm down. "Pretty much."

"I know exactly why we're taking it slow—I mean, it was my idea in the first place," Jongin rambles, gesturing with one hand while the other rests on his abdomen. "But my stupid monkey brain is not having it today, apparently."

"I know the feeling." Sehun laughs dryly. "Should we call it a night?"

"Yeah, probably." Jongin sighs and folds his arms behind his head before he turns to look at Sehun. "I can't decide if I'm more impressed or annoyed by how responsible we're being about this."

"I'm leaning toward impressed." Sehun sits up and reaches out to run a hand through Jongin's hair with a little smile. "I didn't know I had this kind of willpower."

He lowers his head to kiss Jongin one last time, shivering a little when Jongin curls a hand around the back of his neck.

"Well," Jongin says when the kiss ends, loosening his grip and letting his hand slide down Sehun's shoulder and arm to give his hand a squeeze, "I think it'll be worth the wait."

The uncomfortable tightness of Sehun's jeans suddenly becomes unbearable, but he does his damnedest to be nonchalant.

"Cheeseball," he says fondly, pecking him on the lips one more time. "'Night."

Sehun casually high-tails it out of the living room and into his bedroom to grab his towel before locking himself in the bathroom, where he immediately strips and gets into the shower, bracing one hand against the wall and letting the warm water rain down onto his face as he jerks himself off. Feeling the phantom kisses Jongin had pressed into his neck and imagining that it's Jongin's hand on his cock instead of his own, Sehun comes so quickly that he would be a little embarrassed if he weren't so preoccupied by how unbelievably good he feels.

With his brain no longer held hostage by his hormones, Sehun dries off, puts on his underwear and a T-shirt, and climbs into bed. But as tired as he is, sleep eludes him. At first, it's because he's giddy, his restless mind replaying snippets of the evening's activities, eliciting a pleasant swooping sensation in his chest. He has to force himself to clear his mind when he feels himself getting turned on again by the memory of Jongin's chest pressed to his back outside the door to their apartment; the way his lips had teasingly brushed the sensitive spot where Sehun's jaw and neck meet; how he'd kissed and touched Sehun with such _hunger_.

But without these pleasant thoughts to occupy him, it's too easy to let his brain be clouded over with melancholy; it happens so quickly that he can't pinpoint the exact moment when his joy is overshadowed by all-consuming loneliness. Ruminating on the intimacy of tonight's date only serves to reinforce the contrast with his present situation: alone in the dark, staring at the ceiling, steadfastly trying to ignore the sudden emptiness inside of him.

In an effort to comfort himself, Sehun rearranges his pillows, clutching one in his arms and wedging another behind himself as if to trick his body into believing there's someone else in bed with him. But it only makes him feel better for a few moments before he tears into himself: _Weak. Pathetic. Needy._ A fleeting moment of lucidity interrupts this sudden surge of self-loathing only to remind him that he still hasn't made the appointment he promised Jongdae he'd make last week, which fills him with guilt on top of everything else.

Sehun tosses and turns for well over an hour before an idea claws its way through the haze of exhaustion and sadness. He's anxious that it might backfire—it's _completely_ against the rules—but he's tired and lonely enough to give it a shot anyway.

Easing himself out of bed, Sehun searches blindly in one of his dresser drawers for a pair of pajama pants and pulls them on over his underwear before quietly opening his bedroom door and stepping out into the hallway. He creeps down to the end of the hall and presses his ear to Jongin's door to see whether he's still awake. It's utterly silent in the apartment, however, and Sehun doesn't see any light through the crack underneath the door, so Jongin must be asleep.

Sehun stands there for a moment, arguing with himself about whether this is a good idea, and he nearly goes back to his room to tough it out on his own, but for once in his life, his more daring ( _more like desperate_ , he thinks disdainfully) side wins over. He slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open, being careful not to let it creak when he slips into the room and closes it behind himself.

It's dark inside the room, but Sehun can just make out Jongin's silhouette in the light from the streetlamps and the moon shining through the cracks in the window blinds. Jongin is asleep in his double bed, sprawled out on his stomach with one arm clutching a pillow as if it were a person. Sehun smiles at the sight of him, and even though he can't curl himself around Jongin the way he wants to without waking him up, just knowing he's there makes Sehun feel a little better.

Jongin is a heavy sleeper, so Sehun thinks he can sneak under the covers without too much notice. He pads silently across the room in his bare feet and halts next to the empty side of the bed, holding his breath as he reaches out to slowly pull back the comforter. He manages to do that without disturbing Jongin, but as soon as his knee presses into the mattress, Jongin stirs and Sehun freezes.

Jongin rubs his face into the pillow he's holding and Sehun thinks maybe it's just one of those funny little sleep behaviors, like how drowsy babies twitch as they drift off, but then Sehun hears his low, scratchy voice: "Sehun? Is that you?"

_Fuck._

Sehun pulls his knee back and puts his hands over his face, mortified. "Yes, it's me," he whispers, glad it's dark because Jongin can't see his face, which feels like it's on fire. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's fine. I only turned the lights off, like… I don't know, fifteen minutes ago? So I wasn't totally asleep yet." Jongin rolls onto his side and yawns. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Sehun kneels by the edge of the bed so his voice doesn't have to travel so far. "I'm really sorry, I know I'm breaking the rules or whatever, but I just—" He sighs, feeling like a stupid little baby. "I couldn't sleep."

"Oh." Jongin moves the pillow he's clutching back to the other side of the bed. "Well, c'mere, then."

Sehun's heart leaps. He doesn't have to be told twice; he pushes himself up and crawls into Jongin's bed, then pulls the covers up over his shoulders and rolls onto his side to face Jongin.

"No, come _here_ ," Jongin whispers with a breathy laugh, reaching out to tug on Sehun's T-shirt.

Sehun wriggles closer until there's only a few inches of space between them and leans in until his forehead touches Jongin's. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"Mmhmm." Jongin sleepily pets his face. "I'd rather hold you than that dumb pillow, anyway."

Sehun feels a rush of warmth in his chest, and he reaches out to rest his hand on Jongin's waist, his insides quivering pleasantly when he touches bare skin; Jongin's not wearing a shirt. "Are you more of a big spoon or a little spoon?"

"Mmmm, big spoon, if that's okay with you," Jongin whispers, and Sehun almost immediately rolls onto his other side. Jongin shifts closer to him and Sehun relaxes into his chest, comforted by Jongin's body heat radiating through his T-shirt. Jongin's arm slides around his waist and his hand flattens out just over Sehun's heart. "I'll take that as a yes."

Sehun covers Jongin's hand with his own and gives it a little squeeze, and Jongin presses his face into the back of Sehun's neck. Sehun's just growing drowsy enough to fall asleep when Jongin murmurs, "I changed my mind."

Sehun thinks his heart might have actually stopped. "What?"

But Jongin's fingers knead into his T-shirt, reassuring him. "We should do this all the time."

It takes Sehun a moment to absorb what he's just heard, but then he grins in the darkness of Jongin's room, so elated he feels like his heart might pop right out of his chest. "Really?"

"Mmhmm. I like this." Jongin kisses the curve of Sehun's neck, and Sehun wonders for a split second if it's possible to be romanced to death. Still, as giddy as he is at the prospect of Jongin being the last thing he sees before he goes to bed and the first thing he sees when he wakes up, it's much easier for him to drift off to sleep with Jongin's arm securely wrapped around his waist.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun isn't startled awake the next morning so much as he is aroused… in more ways than one. He makes to get up, thinking he'll go sort this out in the bathroom and then come back, but Jongin stirs, rubbing his face into the back of Sehun's T-shirt. His hand is still on Sehun's waist, and it slides down to his hip, squeezing affectionately before it drifts down to fully cup Sehun's morning wood.

The heel of Jongin's hand presses down against his cock, and Sehun gasps in both surprise and pleasure. The sound startles Jongin, who gently presses his lips to the back of Sehun's neck and rubs his hand along the length of Sehun's dick under his pajamas. This elicits another gasp from Sehun, who clamps his hand around Jongin's arm and curses under his breath.

The gears are clearly turning in Jongin's head, because then _he_ gasps and pushes himself up on one elbow in a panic, snatching his other hand away from the front of Sehun's pants as though he'd been burned. "Oh my god, oh my god, I'm so sorry!" he blurts out, bleary-eyed, his tongue tripping over the words. "Shit. Fuck. I thought I was dreaming. _Shit_."

"Nope." Sehun rolls flat on his back, panting. His cock stands at full attention underneath the covers, aching for release. "No, you're definitely awake."

_Oh, fuck it._

Sehun doesn't know whether his sudden lack of inhibition stems from arousal or the fact that he's been awake for all of two minutes and isn't lucid enough to be self-conscious, but he doesn't contemplate this for longer than it takes him to roll over, crawl on top of Jongin, and kiss the surprised expression right off his face.

"Sehun," Jongin says breathlessly once Sehun stops kissing him long enough for him to get the words out. "What are you— is this—"

"Jongin." Sehun tries to mute the tremor in his voice. "You started this, and I really, _really_ need you to finish it."

Jongin stares at him for a couple moments, looking for all the world like a starving man who's just stumbled upon a feast, and then sinks one hand into Sehun's sleep-matted hair and pulls him down into a kiss. Morning breath is no issue, not when Sehun is this hard. He rocks his hips down into Jongin's and moans into his mouth at how delicious the friction feels. He can't even focus on kissing Jongin after a while, choosing to push his face into Jongin's neck and roll his hips into Jongin's as rhythmically as he can. He's never felt this mindless in pursuit of orgasm.

The moans falling from Jongin's lips as little puffs of breath against Sehun's ear turn him on even more. "Oh my god, this feels so good," Sehun whispers in between alternately sucking on Jongin's earlobe and mouthing at his pulse.

Jongin arches his back with a shaky moan and surprises Sehun by sliding his hands down the back of his pants and cupping his ass through his boxer briefs. He squeezes Sehun's cheeks and bucks his hips up, then tilts his head to catch Sehun's lips again in a frantic kiss. Sehun clutches Jongin's face with both hands, rutting furiously against him, his movements growing more erratic until he seizes up and releases into his underwear with a stifled cry.

Sliding off of Jongin, he hooks one arm around the back of Jongin's neck and begins to kiss him again while his other hand slides under Jongin's sweats and curls around the outline of his cock straining against his boxer briefs. He finds that he likes the shape of it and wonders how much of it he'll be able to fit in his mouth and what he tastes like and how it will feel inside of him when Jongin fucks him for the first time.

"Is this okay?" Sehun breaks the kiss and opens his eyes to see Jongin's face screwed up in pleasure as Sehun's hand rubs up and down his length. "I want you to feel good, too."

"God, yes," Jongin moans, dragging him back in for more kisses. It isn't long before Jongin's cock twitches in his hand and he comes with a gasp, the fabric separating the two of them growing damp beneath Sehun's hand. Sehun keeps stroking him until Jongin stills his hand with a little whimper, smiling against his lips.

"Are you sure I'm not still dreaming?" Jongin sighs when Sehun withdraws his hand and curls up next to him. "Pinch me, please."

Sehun tweaks one of his nipples with a cheeky grin and laughs at the shock on Jongin's face.

Jongin tugs playfully on a hank of Sehun's hair. "What has gotten into you?"

"You started it," Sehun says petulantly, pressing his cheek against Jongin's chest.

"I did, didn't I?" Jongin shakes his head. He's quiet for a moment, and then he nudges Sehun's shoulder. "Hey."

Sehun cranes his head back so he can see Jongin's face. "What?"

"I really did think I was dreaming," Jongin says, and Sehun thinks he sounds a little nervous. "I wasn't bullshitting just so I could cop a feel or anything."

"I know you weren't. I believe you." Sehun rolls onto his side so he can look at Jongin properly. He tries to hold back the smirk dying to take over his face, but it doesn't work. "I have to ask, though—what the hell were you dreaming about?"

"This, basically," Jongin says with an awkward laugh and a vague gesture. "I think it was one of those lucid dream kinda situations, like… I guess I was half-awake, but I thought I was still asleep. It felt real but not real at the same time, y'know? But if I was fully awake I would never have just, like—" He sighs in frustration. "Here I am, making this big fucking deal about taking things slowly, and then I try to go to third base with you _in my sleep_."

"Jongin, it's fine." Sehun reaches out to squeeze his hand with a wry smile. "I mean, at least you attempted to stop yourself. If anything, I owe _you_ an apology for temporarily losing my mind and having my way with you instead of, you know, going in the bathroom and beating off in the shower like a normal person."

"Obviously, I did not have a problem with that," Jongin says dryly. "Still…"

"… You think we should pump the brakes a little?" Sehun finishes for him.

Jongin nods, chewing on his lower lip. "Is that okay? I just… worry about rushing into things, even though I started it."

"Yeah, it's fine." Sehun offers him a reassuring smile, though he can't help but be the littlest bit disappointed. "I mean, I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with. Do you want me to sleep in my own room tonight?"

"No, not at all!" Jongin looks slightly alarmed. "And it's not that I'm uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. I liked that a lot. A little too much, even."

" _Oh_." Sehun nods in understanding as heat flickers in the pit of his stomach. He curls up next to Jongin, pillowing his head on Jongin's chest once more. "It was pretty nice, wasn't it?"

"Understatement of the century." Jongin laughs and scrubs a hand through Sehun's hair. "I definitely should have thought this through a little more, though. My pants feel suuuuuper gross right now."

"Sorry about that," Sehun says with a sheepish smile, but his tone suggests he is not at all remorseful in spite of the fact that his own underwear situation is similarly dire. "You can have the first shower if you want."

"I think I'll take you up on that." Jongin throws back the covers and gently extracts himself from Sehun's embrace. "You wanna grab breakfast after we clean up?"

Sehun nods, and he thinks he must look very alluring in spite of his morning breath and messy hair and sweaty face, because after Jongin stands up, he bends over and—briefly, tenderly—touches his lips to Sehun's before he grabs his towel and leaves the room.

 _Well_ , Sehun thinks with great satisfaction, rolling onto his side and inhaling Jongin's scent from one of his pillows, _at least I can stop worrying about whether we're sexually compatible._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first, sorry this went up a little late! ya girl had a seriously hellish week at work (complete with stress crying the first day back from the long weekend!!!) and didn't get home from the office until 9 o'clock last night and still had to, like, eat dinner and catch up on _grey's anatomy_ , and then she decided to rewrite the entire scene after sehun and baekhyun's lunch date (which she also rewrote/added more to on thursday) where sekai are making out in the living room because she thought the original version was clichéd and terrible and only half as cute as it needed to be, and by the time she was mostly finished with that, it was 1 a.m. and she was too tired to finish editing, so… happy weekend!!!
> 
> hopefully this chapter isn't too mood whiplash-y for y'all. i think i had originally split off the morning-after scene into a separate chapter, but it felt too short on its own, so here we are! hope you enjoyed your first taste of sekai hanky-panky, 'cause lemme tell you, there's a whoooooole lot more where that came from.
> 
> this week's additions to the playlist: "[두 번째 데이트 (my second date)](https://open.spotify.com/track/6z8QDsRU25QbckFUajl553)" by red velvet (i know, i know, it's so on the nose, but i've got red velvet on the brain after seeing redmare last sunday), and "[내일 만나 (sweet dreams!)](https://open.spotify.com/track/1zNxzxkuwb03MRV6ipDFG1)" by EXO-CBX (aka the best song on _blooming days_ , fight me).
> 
> anyway, next week i should be be on time because i don't think chapter nine requires a whole lot of rewriting, but watch me change my mind at, like, 8:30 p.m. next thursday. 🙄 until then!!!


	9. november 18, a tuesday • november 22, a saturday

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Sehun puts his phone on the coffee table and flashes an apologetic smile at Jongin. "Sorry. Baekhyun. Once you get him going it's hard to shut him up."

"What's up?" Jongin queues up the next episode of _Scrubs_ and pauses it while Sehun gets settled, stretching out on the couch and using Jongin's lap as a pillow.

Sehun waves a hand. "Nothing major, just school stuff. He wanted to know how the meeting with my adviser went and whether I got into the classes I wanted for next semester."

He and Jongin had dragged themselves out of bed, bleary-eyed, at 7:25 that morning to log into the student portal in time for their 7:30 course registration time slot and then, having secured their preferred class schedules, promptly conked out for another hour and a half until Jongin had to get up for class.

"Also, I guess Chanyeol's birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year, and since it's his twenty-first, Baekhyun's throwing him an early surprise party this weekend, and he invited us." Sehun looks up at Jongin, trying not to sound too hopeful. "You wanna go?"

"Sure. Sounds like it'll be fun." Jongin smiles and sifts a hand through Sehun's hair. "It was nice of him to extend the invite to me, too, considering he doesn't know me all that well."

Sehun grins and leans into Jongin's touch. "Yeah, but I'm his favorite person, so of course I get a plus-one."

Jongin raises an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at one corner of his mouth. "Oh, _you're_ his favorite person? Not Chanyeol?"

Sehun waves a hand dismissively. "I said what I said."

"Yeah, okay." Jongin laughs and hits play on the remote, resuming their binge-watch. He watches the show quietly for a few minutes, absently twirling tufts of Sehun's hair between his fingers, but then he chuckles to himself and shakes his head. "You know, it's kind of funny. For a long time I actually thought you had a crush on Baekhyun, the way you talk about him sometimes."

Sehun turns his head away from the screen, looking up at Jongin with a sly smile. "Don't tell me you're _jealous_."

"It was just an observation," Jongin says calmly, raising his hands in a gesture of peace. He smiles crookedly and drops his voice. "But also maybe just, like, the _tiniest_ bit, yeah."

"Baekhyun is…" Sehun sighs, trying to find the right words. "I think everyone falls in love with him a little bit. You'd understand if you knew him better. I did have a little crush on him last year, until I found out he had a boyfriend, but it was nothing compared to how I felt about you. _Feel_ about you," he amends. "There's no competition. He may be the most adorable person on Earth, but to me he's more like an older brother–slash–life coach. You—"

Sehun closes his eyes and tries to think of a phrase that's neither too sentimental nor too flippant, something that makes the sincerity of his feelings evident without exposing the true depth of them. His heart starts pounding as he casts around for something meaningful to say, but all of the thoughts in his head scatter like leaves in the wind, and as much as he tries to tell himself that this is not a life-or-death situation, it certainly feels like one.

But it's no mystery to Sehun why it's so hard for him to muster up the right words—it's because there's no better description for the way he feels about Jongin than those three little words he absolutely cannot allow himself to speak aloud. Not now.

"You're— you're really important to me," he stammers after a few seconds. "So you don't have anything to worry about where he's concerned."

"Don't feel like you have to explain it." Jongin traces the shell of Sehun's ear with a fingertip, eliciting a shiver. "I was mostly kidding, honestly."

"I know." Sehun cracks one eye open to look at Jongin. "I just want you to know what I'm thinking." He squints, rethinking that statement. "Sometimes."

Jongin smirks. "What about the other times?"

"Well," Sehun says, doing his best not to look as hot and bothered as he is by Jongin's cocky demeanor, "it takes all of the fun out of it if there's no mystery, right?"

"True," Jongin says with a thoughtful tilt of his head. His hand drifts down to rest on Sehun's chest, and he smiles. "We do have fun, though, don't we?"

"Yeah," Sehun says, his face breaking into a smile as he reaches up to cover Jongin's hand with his own. "We do."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun and Jongin arrive at Baekhyun and Chanyeol's apartment at a quarter to eight on Saturday evening. They're late—Baekhyun wanted everyone there by half past seven because Chanyeol was supposed to arrive at eight, so Sehun's anticipating getting chewed out for his tardiness. He's both relieved and confused, then, when Jongdae answers the door.

"Baekhyun ended up taking him out to dinner," Jongdae explains in response to the puzzled expression on Sehun's face as he lets them into the apartment, which is buzzing with activity. Baekhyun had invited a _ton_ of people. "That way Chanyeol definitely wouldn't be home before everyone got here."

"Smart," Jongin says. "And lucky for us. Now Baekhyun can't get bent out of shape about us being late because _this one_ —" Jongin elbows Sehun, grinning. "—couldn't decide what shirt he wanted to wear."

Sehun slowly turns his head to look at Jongin, an expression of absolute betrayal on his face. " _Wow._ "

Jongdae's face lights up with a mischievous grin as he puts a hand on Jongin's arm. "I like you. Let's get a drink."

Sehun gawps at their retreating backs, Jongin flashing a helpless smile over his shoulder as Jongdae drags him into the kitchen. "For the record, I hate both of you right now!" he yells petulantly, but there's little venom in his tone.

"Stop whining and come get a drink," Jongdae shouts in reply.

Sehun makes a face and follows them into the kitchen. "Just so you know, I'm here because I'm thirsty, not because you told me to follow you."

"Don't be mad," Jongin says, pouting just the littlest bit. He wraps his arms around Sehun from the side and props his chin on Sehun's shoulder. "You look really good."

"This is blatant pandering," Jongdae says, rolling his eyes as he turns to grab a few beers out of the fridge. He cracks one open for himself and takes a long swig.

"I love being pandered to." Sehun casts a withering stare at Jongdae and turns his head toward Jongin expectantly. "You were saying?"

Jongin lets go of Sehun with a sneaky smile. "Maybe we should pick this up later."

Jongdae cackles and glances down at his watch. "I have to go make everybody shut up in case Baekhyun's texts aren't coming through and he and Chanyeol show up before all of the lights are turned off. Sehun, I need you to come with me and intimidate them with your dead shark eyes."

" _This_ is the kind of abuse I have to put up with when Baekhyun isn't around to protect me." Sehun looks imploringly at Jongin, who is very clearly trying not to bust up at Jongdae's description of Sehun's expressionless face. " _Break the cycle, Jongin._ "

"In fairness, Jongdae doesn't seem all that intimidating on his own," Jongin says, cracking open his own can of beer. "And I think I saw, like, half the crew team in the living room, so he could use the extra height."

Jongdae narrows his eyes at Jongin. "I changed my mind. I don't like you anymore. Come on, Sehun."

Sehun puts on his best _Save me!_ expression, but all Jongin can do is wave sympathetically as Jongdae drags Sehun out of the kitchen with him.

"Stop trying to separate me from my boyfriend," Sehun whines, yanking his arm out of Jongdae's grip.

"You literally _live_ with him," Jongdae snorts, checking his phone for new texts. "I think you can survive being away from him for five minutes. Now look scary."

Sehun scowls at Jongdae while he tells a group of rowers to be quiet. Jongdae's much more polite than he had suggested he would be—further proof that he's more bark than bite, Sehun thinks.

Suddenly Jongdae's phone buzzes, and he pauses to read the text message. The vocal exercises he has to do for choir are clearly working out for him, because he nearly blows out Sehun's eardrum when he shouts at the top of his lungs, "All right, everyone, shut the fuck up! They're two blocks away! Get in the living room and put your phones on silent!"

Jongdae turns on his heel and heads back toward the front door, turning off all of the light switches he passes on the way there. Sehun follows him until they reach the kitchen, at which point he pokes his head through the doorway and tells the stragglers to go into the living room, then gestures for Jongin to follow him, turning off the kitchen light once everyone's out of the room.

It's pitch dark in the apartment now, so Sehun reaches out for Jongin's hand as they shuffle into the crowded living room. Jongin laces their fingers together and squeezes Sehun's hand.

"Shut up!" Jongdae hisses loudly somewhere in front of Sehun, and all of the whispering guests fall silent. "Okay. You know how this works. After Baekhyun opens the door and turns on the light, you yell 'Surprise!' It's that simple. Don't fuck it up."

Sehun feels Jongin press into his side. "I don't think Jongdae needed you after all," he murmurs, his mouth so close to Sehun's ear it sends a little shiver down his spine. "He's pretty scary all on his own."

Something about being in the dark makes Sehun want to turn his head and kiss Jongin, but just then he hears the heavy click of the deadbolt and the rattling of keys as the front door opens. Sehun grins to himself as Baekhyun and Chanyeol let themselves into the apartment, and the moment Baekhyun flips the light switch, Sehun shouts along with everyone else: " _Surprise!_ "

Chanyeol yells in shock and practically jumps out of his skin, to the point where Baekhyun has to grab his arm to keep him from falling over. But then Chanyeol sees the room full of familiar faces and looks at Baekhyun, eyebrows disappearing into his hair.

Baekhyun shrugs and tries to hold back a smile. "I don't know how they got in." Chanyeol arches an eyebrow at him, and Baekhyun grins helplessly. "It's your last birthday in college, and your twenty-first at that! Of course I had to throw you a party."

Chanyeol scoops Baekhyun up (quite literally—Sehun can see that Baekhyun's feet have left the ground) in a bear hug. "You're the best," he says, squeezing Baekhyun tightly. "Thank you."

"Happy birthday," Baekhyun wheezes, Chanyeol clearly having squeezed all the air out of his lungs. Chanyeol sets him down, and Baekhyun looks expectantly at the group of people assembled in his living room. "Well, is someone going to get the birthday boy a drink? He's basically legal now!"

Everyone seems to take that as their cue to disperse; a handful of Chanyeol's teammates push past Jongin and Sehun to drag Chanyeol off for a game of beer pong in the dining room. Baekhyun spots Sehun, holds up a finger, and mouths _one minute!_ , then ducks into the kitchen. He comes out shortly thereafter with a beer in hand and makes a beeline for Sehun, Jongin, and Jongdae.

"Thank you so much for helping me out with this," Baekhyun says to Jongdae, slinging his free arm around Jongdae's shoulders and giving him a squeeze. "You're the bestest best friend ever."

"Tell me something I _don't_ know," Jongdae says with a smug grin.

"I helped, too," Sehun says petulantly. "Sort of."

"I'm sure you did," Baekhyun coos obnoxiously, reaching up to pinch Sehun's cheek. He laughs when Sehun bats his hand away, and adds in a normal voice, "I'm glad you could make it. I'm sure there are… _other_ things you could be doing on a Saturday night."

Sehun's cheeks grow hot when he sees the smirk on Baekhyun's face, and he punches Baekhyun in the arm. "Hyung, don't be weird," he says through gritted teeth, embarrassed. He clears his throat. " _Anyway_ , you guys know Jongin. Jongin, you've talked to Jongdae enough for one lifetime—" Sehun grins and dodges a smack from Jongdae before continuing, "but you know Baekhyun, right?"

"Not super well, but yeah." Jongin smiles brightly. "Nice to see you again. And thanks for the invite."

"No problem. Any friend of Sehun's is a friend of mine," Baekhyun says with a grin. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make the rounds and go heckle Chanyeol's team for a while. I'll catch you later."

They wave him off, and Jongin squeezes Sehun's hand. "I'm gonna go get another drink. You want anything?"

"Nah," Sehun says, squeezing back. "I heard a rumor that someone was bringing jello shots later, so I'm saving myself for those."

"Oh _no_ ," Jongin sighs. "I'm going to end up literally carrying you home tonight, aren't I?"

"Shut up," Sehun laughs, gently shoving him in the direction of the kitchen.

"Seems like things are going well," Jongdae says once Jongin is out of earshot, crossing in front of Sehun to plop himself down on the couch.

Sehun joins him, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back with his hands behind his head. "They are," he says with a little smile. "Jongin is… he's so great. I haven't been this happy in a long time."

"Yeah?" Jongdae looks at him with interest. "I guess that's why I never got that screenshot from you."

 _Shit._ He should have known this would come up.

"Well, I mean— I just— I feel a lot better now that the Jongin thing isn't an issue anymore." Sehun deliberately avoids Jongdae's eyes. "And I rescheduled the meeting with my adviser, too, so everything's fine."

"Sehun," Jongdae says, and Sehun looks up to see him wearing an expression loaded with skepticism. "Being happy about one thing doesn't erase all the other stuff that's been bothering you. That's like— like thinking your cancer is cured because the chemo didn't make you barf today. Are you seriously telling me you haven't had a single bad day since you and Jongin got together?"

Sehun's mind immediately flashes to the night he crawled into bed with Jongin because he was so anxious he couldn't sleep, not to mention all of the other little worries that have eaten away at him over the past couple of weeks.

"That's what I thought," Jongdae says when he sees Sehun frown, his tone softening somewhat.

"I mean… it's not…" Sehun scrambles to find words that will make Jongdae stop looking at him like that. "It's not as bad as it usually is. Being around him a lot of the time makes me feel better. Happier."

"Sehun," Jongdae says with a little shake of his head, "Jongin can't be the only thing that makes you happy. That's a huge burden to put on someone. I mean, I should know." He rolls his eyes. "What are you going to do if things don't work out? You could barely function that day you asked me to come over a couple weeks ago, and that was just when you thought your friend was ignoring you. You think it's gonna be any better if you break up and you lose the only thing that's bringing you any kind of happiness? Do you want Jongin to feel guilty about you being so depressed you can't get out of bed? Because that's what you're setting him up for, and it's kind of unfair from where I'm standing."

Sehun's stomach churns. He doesn't like to entertain the thought of Jongin eventually getting sick of him and breaking things off—and he _knows_ that's how it would end, because he can't see himself ever wanting to break up with Jongin, but he can certainly come up with a handful of reasons why Jongin might want to dump him. It hurts even more, though, to wonder whether Jongin might feel obligated to keep him around out of guilt, or whether he'd think Sehun would stoop so low as to use his despair as a weapon to manipulate Jongin into staying with him. Sehun knows in his heart that he would never try to pull a stunt like that, but the idea that Jongin could ever possibly suspect Sehun of trying to guilt-trip him in that way… Sehun hadn't considered that perspective, and the last thing he wants to do is be a burden on Jongin.

"Look," Jongdae says, interrupting Sehun's shame spiral. "I had my first session on Wednesday and it really wasn't that bad, but, like… I actually want to do the work. Get better. Whatever." He shrugs. "I know I said I was going to drag you down there kicking and screaming, but you're not going to get anything out of it if you don't want to be there, so I'm not going to bug you about it anymore. I just—" Jongdae sighs and leans into the couch cushions, looking at Sehun with those keen eyes of his. "I really think you should reconsider, Sehun."

Sehun is suddenly so infuriated—at himself for being stupid and selfish, for sticking his head in the sand and thinking that would make his problems disappear, and at Jongdae for thinking that getting through one goddamn therapy session qualifies him to dispense advice, for thinking he knows anything about Sehun's situation, for _actually_ knowing anything about Sehun's situation—that for a hot second he thinks he might punch Jongdae. What's even more aggravating is that he knows he's only angry because Jongdae's right. Of _course_ he's right. Nobody calls bullshit like Jongdae Kim.

Instead of saying any of this, however, Sehun heaves himself off the couch without acknowledging a single word Jongdae's said. "I'm gonna go play beer pong," he snaps, stalking off to the other side of the apartment.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

The jello shots never materialize, much to Sehun's dismay, so he's forced to make do with the shitty light beer used to fill the red cups lined up on the beer pong table. He hasn't had that much to drink, though, both because he's actually pretty good at beer pong and because most of the people he's been playing against are not. Baekhyun in particular is beyond terrible, especially since he's already had a few. Sehun sinks three cups to every one of Baekhyun's, and after Baekhyun loses three matches in a row, Chanyeol steers him away, disregarding his demands for a rematch in favor of not having to nurse him through a hangover tomorrow morning.

Sehun's bored by then, anyway, so he parks himself on the couch again and pulls out his phone to text Jongin because he hasn't seen him in a while. Before he can finish the message, though, someone leans over the back of the couch and grabs his shoulders, startling him.

"There you are!"

Sehun swears loudly and drops his phone in his lap, and Jongin giggles, looping his arms around Sehun's shoulders to hug him from behind.

"Jesus Christ," Sehun exhales, sagging with relief when he realizes it's Jongin. He slides his phone back into his pocket. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Jongin squeezes him tightly and kisses his cheek. "But it's _fun_."

"Uh-oh." Sehun laughs and lifts a hand to rub the back of Jongin's head. "You are _wasted_."

"No'm'not," Jongin protests, burying his face in Sehun's neck.

Sehun pats the seat next to him on the couch. "Yeah, you are. C'mere."

Jongin doesn't let go of him as he circles around the arm of the couch, and instead of sitting down next to Sehun, he parks himself on Sehun's lap and rubs his face against Sehun's like an overgrown cat. "Hi."

"Hey." Sehun wraps his arms around Jongin's waist so he doesn't fall over. He didn't realize Jongin was such a clingy drunk, but he's not about to complain, not when Jongin's in his lap and nuzzling his cheek. "What have you been up to?"

"Somebody brought a deck of cards so we played Kings, and I drew the last king so I had to drink the king's cup, and I have nooooooo idea what was in it," Jongin says in that earnest, emphatic way in which drunk people tend to talk. He pulls back and unwinds his arms from Sehun's shoulders, then cradles Sehun's face in his hands, his expression serious.

Sehun lifts an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

An enormous smile takes over Jongin's face, and he nods, gently shaking Sehun's head in his hands. "God, you're cute. I like your face so much."

Sehun smiles, suddenly overwhelmed with fondness. "I like your face, too."

"I'm sorry I made fun of you earlier for taking so long to get dressed," Jongin says abruptly. "It was worth the wait. That shirt looks _sooooo_ good on you. It would look really good off of you, too. Or you would look really good without it, I mean." He lowers his voice with a sly grin. "Or any of your clothes, really."

Sehun's heart is pounding and his mouth is dry as Jongin leans in to kiss him. He fists one hand in Jongin's shirt and lets the other slide down to his hip, enjoying the little sound Jongin breathes into his mouth when he hooks a finger into one Jongin's belt loops.

Jongin breaks the kiss suddenly and lets go of Sehun's face, leaving him panting. "You're really hot," he sighs, tilting his head down to kiss Sehun's neck. "I like you."

Sehun lifts a hand to pet Jongin's hair, and he gasps softly when Jongin's lips close around his earlobe. "Mmm, I like you, too."

"We should go home so I can take all of your clothes off," Jongin whispers, and Sehun's dick really likes the sound of that.

"We should go home," Sehun says as evenly as he can manage, "because you're drunk and you need to go to bed."

" _You_ go to bed," Jongin retorts childishly, laughing.

"Let's go say bye to Baekhyun and Chanyeol." Sehun pats Jongin's back. "Come on, get up."

" _Fiiiiine._ " Jongin slides off of Sehun's lap and stands (a bit unsteadily, in Sehun's opinion). He offers Sehun a hand up and tangles their fingers together, and Sehun leads him around the apartment in search of their hosts.

Normally it's easy to spot Chanyeol, since he's a head taller than most of the people in their friend group (with the exception of Sehun and Jongin), but with half of the crew team here, it's more of a challenge. It turns out Sehun doesn't need to look all that hard, though, because he can hear Baekhyun's voice coming from the kitchen, loud and clear, and where Baekhyun is, Chanyeol's usually not far behind.

Baekhyun's sitting on the kitchen counter taking sips from a bottle of water, Chanyeol leaning against the counter next to him, when Sehun enters with Jongin in tow.

"So, in some kind of karmic retribution for making Baekhyun drink all of that Natty Ice," Sehun says flatly, rummaging in the fridge for a bottle of water, "my boyfriend is also shitfaced. So we're going home."

"Ha _ha_ ," Baekhyun sneers. He lets his face go back to normal and beckons Sehun over, looking slightly defeated. "How the fuck did you get so good at beer pong?"

Sehun hands the water to Jongin and goes to give Baekhyun a hug. "You forget I used to be kind of a party animal."

Jongin cackles in the doorway as he uncaps the bottle. "You mean you used to be a hot mess."

Chanyeol bends over and _howls_ , slapping his knees. Sehun lets go of Baekhyun, who is trying very hard not to crack up, and whips his head around. " _Jongin!_ "

Jongin shrugs, a guilty expression on his face. "Emphasis on the 'hot' part?"

Baekhyun grabs Sehun again, this time to whisper in his ear. "Aw, he's cute. Don't be too mad at him." He kisses Sehun obnoxiously on the cheek.

"Hey, that's mine," Jongin whines, and Sehun cracks a little smile at Baekhyun.

"Time to go." Sehun jerks his head in Jongin's direction. "Bye, Chanyeol. Happy birthday."

" _Hot mess_ ," Chanyeol giggles, wiping tears from his eyes.

"It wasn't _that_ funny, Chanyeol," Baekhyun says under his breath, shaking his head as he reaches out to ruffle Chanyeol's hair. "'Night, Sehun. Thanks for coming."

Chanyeol pulls himself together enough to say goodnight, and Sehun spins on his heel and grabs Jongin's hand, leading him to the front door and out into the night.

"Are you mad at me for calling you a hot mess?" Jongin asks plaintively as they cut through campus on the way back to their apartment.

"What?" Sehun laughs. "No, not really. I was just surprised, that's all." There is one thing bothering him, but he doesn't dare look at Jongin when he voices it. "You didn't really think I was that much of a disaster last year, did you?"

Sehun is jerked back slightly when Jongin stops in the middle of the sidewalk. "Nonononono," Jongin says adamantly, his eyes a little wide. "Maybe I was a little worried sometimes, but it was only the first couple months of school that were like that. I didn't think you were a disaster. I was only kidding. I'm sorry."

Sehun sighs, mostly at himself, and folds Jongin into his arms, his head drooping onto Jongin's shoulder. "There's nothing to apologize for. I'm just… being dumb, that's all."

"Don't say that. You're not dumb." Jongin leans back to look at Sehun. "And I won't say stuff like that if it bothers you."

Sehun shakes his head. "It's fine, I just… sometimes I have these moments where—" He hesitates and says a little prayer that Jongin won't remember this conversation tomorrow. "—where I feel kind of shitty about myself and I start replaying stupid shit I've said or done in my head and then I spend too much time wondering what people think of me, and— and you're definitely one of those people."

"Oh." Jongin nods in understanding and steps back to look at Sehun properly. "Well, I know this is probably easier said than done, but you don't have to worry about what I think of you, 'cause it's always good stuff."

"I mean, I probably will anyway because my brain is broken," Sehun babbles, thinking back to his conversation with Jongdae earlier in the evening and feeling vaguely nauseated, "but thanks for saying that anyway. You're a good friend."

"Friend, huh?" Jongin lifts an eyebrow, sounding amused. "You called me your boyfriend earlier."

Sehun's heart jumps into his throat, and he's not sure where Jongin's going with this. "Oh. Yeah, I guess I did. Is, uh… is that okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine." There's a note of tenderness in Jongin's voice and a little smile on his face. "I just never heard you say it before now."

"Oh," Sehun says, not sure how else to respond.

"It's good." Jongin squeezes his hand. "I like it."

Sehun smiles, and his heart suddenly feels too big for his chest. "Me too."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

"You should go take a shower or something, sober up a little before you go to sleep," Sehun says to Jongin when they get home. "Otherwise you're going to have a really terrible hangover tomorrow morning."

"Yeah, probably." Jongin kicks off his shoes and hangs up his coat next to Sehun's. "I could go for a nice hot shower right about now."

"Do you want coffee? I think there's decaf—" Sehun is interrupted by Jongin hooking his fingers into the belt loops of Sehun's jeans and tugging him forward. He cocks his head and lifts an eyebrow. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to take a shower," Jongin says placidly, walking backwards toward the bathroom.

Jongin turns them around once they're through the bathroom doorway and flicks the light switch on with his elbow before nudging the door closed behind them. He lets go of Sehun's jeans and leans into the shower to turn on the water, then straightens and pulls his T-shirt over his head.

Sehun's mouth goes completely dry. "What are you doing?" he repeats softly, staring at Jongin's flawless chest.

Jongin's hands drops to the fly of his jeans. "Why are you still wearing all of your clothes?"

"I…" Sehun trails off, unable to think of a good response to that question. He shuts his mouth and tugs his own shirt over his head.

Jongin grins as he pushes his jeans down, and Sehun reaches out to grab his arm so he doesn't trip over himself when he tries to get them off. Sehun shimmies out of his jeans while Jongin peels his socks off, Sehun's socks joining Jongin's on the bathroom floor shortly thereafter. Sehun feels very conspicuous and mildly self-conscious standing there in his underwear, and that feeling must be reflected in his expression because Jongin takes a step forward and winds his arms around Sehun's waist, drawing him closer to kiss his neck.

Sehun puts his hands on Jongin's upper arms, shivering slightly at the feel of Jongin's mouth on his throat. "Hey."

"Hey." He can hear the smile in Jongin's voice. "You look nervous."

Sehun laughs reflexively. "Little bit."

"Well, for what it's worth, I think you're really beautiful." Jongin hugs him tightly. "So don't be shy."

Sehun's chest feels tight. _I love you so much._

"I'm going to get in the shower now, okay?" Jongin releases his hold on Sehun and turns around, sliding his boxer briefs down from his hips.

Sehun bites his lip, swallowing a sigh at the sight of Jongin's ass. Jongin steps over the edge of the tub and disappears behind the shower curtain, and Sehun stands there frozen for a moment, dizzy with want, his blood thrumming with nervous energy.

_What are you waiting for?_

Sehun's underwear joins the pile of clothes on the bathroom floor, and a second later he steps into the shower, pulling the curtain closed behind him. He turns to look at Jongin and is momentarily dumbstruck by how gorgeous he is just standing there with his head tipped back under the spray, rivulets of water coursing down the long column of his neck and onto his chest, and then down, down, down…

 _You're the most beautiful thing in the world_ , Sehun thinks, drinking in the sight of Jongin's naked body and knowing that he's never wanted to touch anybody as badly as he wants to touch Jongin right now. He wants to fall to his knees and take Jongin into his mouth like he's done in his daydreams so many times, and he'd love nothing more than for Jongin to take him right here, to push him up against the tiled wall and slide his cock inside of him, to whisper sweet words into his ear and touch him _everywhere_.

Sehun's train of thought is interrupted when Jongin tips his head forward and opens his eyes. He lifts a hand to push the wet hair out of his face, looking dazed, almost surprised to see Sehun standing there, like he didn't actually expect him to go through with it. Sehun watches as Jongin looks him up and down, feeling as though his entire body is aflame under the heat of Jongin's gaze, but then they lock eyes and Jongin crooks a finger at him, and if Sehun's dick weren't already nearly hard it sure would be now. He steps forward, putting his hands on Jongin's shoulders, and Jongin's warm, wet hands settle on his hips.

"I told you you didn't have anything to be shy about," Jongin says just loud enough to be heard, kindness in his voice.

Sehun can't help himself. He slides one hand up into Jongin's wet hair, curling the other around one of his arms, and kisses him as sweetly as he knows how.

_I love you, I love you, I love you._

Jongin's arms wind around his waist and he pulls Sehun against his chest, close enough that they are each very aware of the other's erection. Sehun breaks the kiss with a gasp but doesn't quite pull away.

"Is this okay?" he asks, recalling their conversation from last weekend about reining it in a little. "Like, are you— are you sober enough to be doing this?"

With a huff of laughter, Jongin nuzzles his cheek. "I guess this is where I tell you I may have been, uh, playing it up a little bit at the party so I'd have something to blame the PDA on if you weren't into it."

Sehun tips his head back and affects a scandalized expression that melts into a smile when Jongin laughs. "Like I'd ever not be into it," Sehun snorts, leaning in for a long, lingering kiss and only pulling back enough for Jongin to hear the question that follows. "But, like… what about all that stuff you said last week about taking it down a notch? I just don't want you to, y'know, feel guilty or, like… regret anything… ?"

Jongin closes the distance between them with a soft kiss. "I won't," he promises. "I know what I said—and I tried, I really did—but I just…" Jongin shrugs helplessly. "I can't help it, y'know?"

"I really do," Sehun laughs weakly, knowing all too well that resistance is futile where his feelings for Jongin are concerned. "So you're— you're definitely good with this?"

"Yeah." A smile tugs at the corner of Jongin's mouth. "So… can I touch you?"

Sehun heart leaps. He leans in until his forehead is touching Jongin's. "Mmhmm."

Jongin's left arm stays firmly wrapped around Sehun's waist, but his right hand slides between their bodies to curl around Sehun's cock. A soft moan passes Sehun's lips before he can think to stifle it, but he's so overwhelmed he can't really help himself. He can't even fathom how many times he's imagined scenarios like this—not to have an image in his mind to jerk off to (though that certainly didn't hurt), but rather to let himself wonder what being this close to Jongin would feel like—and now… now it's actually _happening_ , and Jongin is officially his _boyfriend_ , and Sehun almost wishes he could stop time because right here, right now, everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

"Can I—" Sehun's mouth is so dry. "Can I touch you?"

"Yeah," Jongin says quietly, his hand moving up and down Sehun's cock in slow, tentative strokes.

Sehun braces himself with one hand curled around the back of Jongin's neck, the other falling between them to wrap around the base of Jongin's cock. It feels so much better, so much more satisfying to hold him like this instead of rubbing him through his underwear like last time.

Sehun twists his wrist a little on the upstroke. "Is that good?"

"A little looser." Sehun uncurls his fingers slightly. "That's perfect. What about you?"

"A little tighter," Sehun says, a breath of a laugh escaping his lips. Jongin changes his grip, and Sehun inhales sharply. "Mmm, just like that."

The two of them are too caught up in the sensations to do much more than stand there clutching and stroking each other, silent but for the occasional gasp or moan and the rhythmic pitter-patter of the water from the shower head striking Jongin's back and the bottom of the tub. After a minute, though, Sehun lifts his head and nudges Jongin's cheek with his nose, and Jongin takes the hint, giving Sehun the kind of kiss that makes his heart stutter in his chest and leaves him short of breath. He yields when Sehun's tongue brushes against his lower lip, and Sehun leans into him, loving how Jongin's arm tightens around his waist, fingers fanning out to rest against the spaces between his ribs.

Not wanting to come too quickly, Sehun reluctantly extracts himself from the kiss, but Jongin leans in even closer to take Sehun's earlobe between his lips, alternately grazing it with his teeth, flicking it with his tongue, and sucking on it. Sehun feels so good he could actually weep, but he settles for moaning softly into Jongin's neck, gasping his name just loud enough for it to be heard over the water.

"I like when you do that." Jongin's breath is hot against Sehun's ear, and Sehun shivers in his arms. "When you say my name like that."

"I'll say whatever you want," Sehun sighs, slightly increasing the speed of his strokes. "Just don't stop."

He leaves lazy kisses along Jongin's neck, lapping and sucking gently at the trails of water that leave his skin slick and glistening, and it's utterly thrilling to hear Jongin moan _his_ name in reply, the sound sending a shock of heat up Sehun's legs. Jongin's arm stays firmly anchored around his waist, but his hand travels down from Sehun's waist and over his hip to palm and squeeze Sehun's asscheek while the hand on his cock matches Sehun's pace.

The added stimulation makes it difficult for Sehun to keep himself from thrusting his hips into the circle of Jongin's hand. He sucks on a patch of skin just above Jongin's collarbone and gasps, startled, when Jongin pivots, backing Sehun into the tiled wall of the shower and pinning him there with a leg between his thighs. Jongin surprises him further when he bends to fit his mouth over one of Sehun's nipples, gently sucking it between his teeth and flicking it with his tongue.

"More," Sehun urges Jongin on, feeling that warm coil of pleasure tightening low in his belly, and Jongin obliges, switching to the other nipple and rapidly corkscrewing his hand up and down Sehun's cock. Sehun tries to jerk Jongin off at a steady pace, but it's hard to focus when he's this close to orgasm. He throws his head back when he moans, forgetting himself, and his skull meets the wall with a painful _thunk_. " _Ow_ , fuck."

Jongin releases Sehun's nipple and straightens, nosing at his cheek. "Are you okay?"

"M'fine, don't stop," Sehun pants, sinking his hand into Jongin's hair and guiding their mouths together again. Jongin's tongue slides against Sehun's, and he digs his fingertips into Sehun's ass, jerking him off as quickly as he can. It's not long before Sehun tightens his grip on Jongin's hair and moans brokenly into his mouth as come spills over Jongin's fingers, little spurts hitting both their stomachs. Jongin kisses him again and again, stroking him through his orgasm until Sehun whimpers against his mouth.

Once Jongin lets go of Sehun's dick, Sehun, suddenly struck with an idea, releases Jongin's as well and carefully turns so his chest is pressed against the wall. He looks over his shoulder at Jongin, who regards him with a puzzled expression, and reaches back with his arms, wiggling his fingers until Jongin takes his hands. He tugs Jongin forward so his chest is pressed against Sehun's back.

"What are you doing?" Jongin asks. Sehun merely rolls his hips back, catching Jongin's erection in the cleft of his ass, and Jongin curses into his neck. " _Sehun_... I can't, I'll hurt you. And I don't think I have any condoms in—"

"No, no, that's not what I meant." Sehun shakes his head, cheeks aflame, and pushes his ass into Jongin a couple of times, demonstrating. "I just meant you can, like… y'know…"

" _Oh_ ," Jongin says faintly, settling his hands on Sehun's hips. Sehun widens his stance a little bit so his feet won't get in the way, and then Jongin gently pushes him toward the wall and shuffles forward, rocking his hips into Sehun's from behind. "Like that?"

"Yeah," Sehun says breathlessly, leaning into the wall and turning his head so his cheek is pressed against the tile. "Can you— can you come like that?"

"Somehow, I don't think that's gonna be a problem," Jongin says with a dry laugh as he tightens his grip on Sehun's hips. He rolls into Sehun again, his forehead falling against the back of Sehun's neck as his cock slides between Sehun's asscheeks. " _Jesus._ "

Sehun pushes back against him. "Keep going, you're not going to hurt me."

Jongin starts to rut rhythmically against Sehun's ass, and a little moan sneaks out of Sehun's mouth at the feel of Jongin's cock rubbing against him; if he can't have Jongin inside of him, this is the next best thing. He hums with pleasure when Jongin starts to kiss his neck, and blindly reaches back to palm Jongin's ass and pull him closer.

Sehun pants against the tile when Jongin grinds into him a little harder and loops one arm around his waist for leverage. His other hand glides up the smooth plane of Sehun's abdomen to play with his nipples again.

"God, that feels so good," Sehun sighs, pausing as his mouth drops open in a silent moan. With an incredulous laugh, he adds, "You're going to get me hard again."

"Good," Jongin whispers, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the hollow behind Sehun's ear. The arm wrapped around his waist shifts so Jongin can angle his hand down and curl his fingers around Sehun's gradually stiffening cock. "You look so hot when you come, I want to see you do it again."

"You— you first," Sehun stammers, pushing his ass back against Jongin's cock.

Jongin laughs softly into Sehun's ear and ruts into him, a low "mmm" rumbling in his throat. "Almost there."

Jongin begins to rub himself against Sehun in earnest, his arm and the hand on Sehun's cock the only things keeping Sehun from slamming into the tile with every roll of Jongin's hips. His teeth press into Sehun's shoulder to muffle a ragged moan, and Sehun's almost embarrassed by the sound that comes out of his own mouth when he feels Jongin's cock pulse between his cheeks just before his lower back and ass are splattered with come.

Jongin leans into Sehun and mouths at his neck, his breath coming in short gusts as he pulls at Sehun's cock. With Jongin pressed up against him like this, it doesn't take long for Sehun to come a second time, a moan tearing out of his throat and echoing around the bathroom before he can move his head to muffle it in the crook of his elbow.

Jongin stills his hand and crosses his arms over Sehun's chest from behind, holding him close. "Sorry about that," he murmurs, kissing the bite mark he'd left on Sehun's shoulder, but Sehun is too preoccupied by his trembling legs and the feeling of Jongin's come dripping between his cheeks to notice any pain.

"It's fine, I didn't feel a thing." Sehun turns around and leans back against the wall, laughing weakly as he drapes his arms around Jongin's neck. "I do feel like my knees are about to give out, though, Jesus."

"Here, get under the water so you can rinse off." Jongin jerks his head in the direction of the shower head. "I got you."

Jongin carefully steps back from the wall with Sehun still caged in his arms and guides him under the spray. Sehun leans into him for a minute, letting the water hit his back as he closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Jongin's.

"Don't fall asleep on me now," Jongin says with amusement, drumming his fingertips against Sehun's spine.

"What? Oh, sorry." Sehun straightens up with a bashful smile and lets his arms fall from Jongin's shoulders so he can soap himself up and rinse off, then trades places with Jongin so he can do the same.

Jongin turns off the water and gets out first, wrapping a towel around his waist before he passes Sehun his own towel. They stand together at the sink, brushing their teeth, and it's impossible for Sehun to fight off the fluttering sensation in his chest when he catches Jongin's eyes in the mirror. He glances down, smiling around the brush head in his mouth, but he turns his head when Jongin hip-checks him.

"What?" Jongin says around a mouthful of foam, lips twitching in a curious smile.

Sehun shakes his head and leans forward to spit and rinse off his toothbrush before replacing it in the holder under the mirror. "Nothing, just… that was— I didn't expect—" He sighs at his inability to form complete sentences and settles for sliding his arms around Jongin's waist to hug him from behind, his chin resting on Jongin's shoulder. He looks at Jongin's reflection in the mirror with a helpless shrug. "That was nice."

Jongin's eyes crinkle up at the corners, and Sehun leans back slightly so Jongin can move his head over the sink to spit and rinse as well. Jongin puts his toothbrush away and covers one of Sehun's hands with his own, then cranes his head over his shoulder for a brief kiss. He pulls away with a smile and reaches up and back to tousle Sehun's damp hair. "Yeah, it was."

Sehun gives him a quick squeeze, then ducks to pick up his underwear, pulling them on underneath the towel before untying it from his waist, rubbing it through his hair, and hanging it up to dry over the shower curtain rod. Jongin's less inhibited, baring himself and hanging up his towel before he grabs his underwear, and Sehun averts his gaze as he scoops up the rest of his clothes, feeling a little shyer than usual for reasons that aren't clear to him.

When they finally leave the bathroom, Sehun makes to go in his room to get dressed, but Jongin grabs his hand.

"Just borrow something of mine," Jongin says, and something about those words and the sentiment behind them makes Sehun feel indescribably good—cared for and wanted and _loved_. 

He drops his clothes by the foot of Jongin's bed and puts his socks back on while Jongin finds him a T-shirt and shorts to wear. Finally dressed, they're just about to climb into bed when Sehun remembers something. "Hang on a second."

He holds up a finger in response to Jongin's quizzical look and leaves the room, stepping into his bedroom to dig around in his medicine drawer for a bottle of Tylenol before heading into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Jongin glances up from his phone when Sehun reenters the bedroom, and Sehun's heart hits his sternum with a fierce thump at the softness in Jongin's expression when Sehun hands him the glass and pops open the bottle to drop a few pills into his outstretched hand. "Just in case," Sehun says by way of explanation, putting the bottle on Jongin's nightstand and crawling around him to get into bed.

He waits for Jongin to take the pills and turn off the light, then rolls onto his side and tugs on Jongin's arm. "C'mere."

Jongin laughs, but he rolls over anyway, allowing Sehun to wrap his arms around him and pull him into his chest. "I thought you like to be the little spoon."

"I do," Sehun says with a hint of defensiveness, burying his face in Jongin's neck, "but, y'know, variety is the spice of life or whatever."

"Sure," Jongin yawns, leaning back into him. He's quiet for a couple minutes, and Sehun thinks he's fallen asleep already, but then he rolls over to face Sehun and lifts a hand to clumsily pet his damp hair.

"What are you doing?" Sehun rubs Jongin's arm with a sleepy smile.

"Nothing." The sheets rustle as Jongin leans in for a soft kiss. "Thanks for taking care of me tonight, that's all." He kisses Sehun once more, then rolls onto his other side so Sehun can hold him again. "Good night."

"'Night," Sehun whispers, nuzzling his neck. _I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo… that happened!! i don't know what else to say, lmao. there's a lot going on in this chapter. originally it was gonna be split up so the next chapter would start with them arriving home, but i didn't want to break up the flow of the action, so that's why this one is so long compared with the others. it also means we're down another chapter due to the merge, so it's looking like 18 chapters is the final number. which means we're officially at the halfway point! and i still have........ so much friggin' writing left to do. D: heLP
> 
> the only song i have on the playlist this week is NCT 127's "[touch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sHIq41sI-w)" for glaringly obvious reasons. i don't know if taeyong and mark's lines after the first chorus are supposed to sound as suggestive as they do, but… i'm taking them at their word!!!
> 
> can't believe it's march already. man, february was ROUGH for being a short month! (redmare was the only bright spot, seriously. ) anyway, sometimes it's nice to know what people are vibing with, so comments are appreciated, but even if you just wanna drop by my [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) and gush with me about how sehun is the ultimate baby boy on exo's ladder, that would be cool, too. been in a funky mood this week and could use a distraction. still, thanks to everyone who's been reading and leaving kudos and following along with these two lovesick dorks for the better part of two months. <3


	10. november 23, a sunday

On Sunday morning, Sehun wakes up with half of his face pressed against Jongin's underarm and the disconcerting feeling that his right arm is dead, but he doesn't really mind it so much when he realizes why. Jongin had rolled onto his back in the night, trapping one of Sehun's arms beneath him, the other draped across Jongin's chest in an unconscious effort to hang onto him. Suddenly extra grateful they'd taken that unplanned shower last night, Sehun moves so his face isn't mashed into Jongin's armpit and rests his head on the pillow instead, just beside Jongin's bent arm flung over his head when he'd moved in his sleep, and dozes off.

He's not sure how much time has passed when he wakes up again, pins and needles burning up and down his forearm as it regains sensation and Jongin nowhere in sight. Sehun rolls onto his back and sits up, raking a hand through his hair and narrowly avoiding hitting himself in the face when he lifts his half-asleep hand to his head too quickly. With one last yawn, Sehun gets out of bed, making a quick detour to the bathroom before following the low, indistinct mumbling of voices coming from the living room. He finds Jongin stretched out on the couch watching a video on his phone, a steaming mug of what appears to be more milk than coffee sitting on the coffee table.

Jongin pauses the video when he sees Sehun approach and rests his phone on his chest. "'Morning."

"Hi," Sehun says, yawning again and waving a hand at Jongin when he makes to sit up so there's room on the couch for Sehun. "No, no, stay there, I'm just gonna—"

He leans over to pluck Jongin's phone away and put it on the table before maneuvering himself onto the couch and draping himself over Jongin like a human blanket, nuzzling his neck. He feels Jongin's arms slide around him, one hand splayed out on the small of his back, the fingers of the other lightly scrunching his hair.

"Now, I _know_ you're not hungover," Jongin says, sounding amused but slightly strained from Sehun's weight pressing down on his chest. "You okay?"

"M'fine," Sehun replies, still feeling a little sleepy and uninhibited when he says, "I just wanted to do this for a long time." He allows himself a happy little sigh and kisses Jongin's neck. "Are you hungover?"

"Nope," Jongin says, popping the _p_. "Good call on making me drink all that water last night. M'just a little tired still. Coffee's helping, though."

"That cup is at least sixty percent creamer," Sehun snorts, "which reminds me—do I smell hazelnut?" He lifts his head to sniff in the general direction of Jongin's mug, then looks at Jongin and lightly pounds his arm with a fist. "If you used up the last of my creamer I'm going to end you."

"I didn't!" Jongin protests, but there's a hint of guilt in his expression. "There's, like… I don't know… a couple tablespoons left?"

" _Jongin_ ," Sehun whines, pounding his arm again. He fixes Jongin with a wounded look as his head flops onto Jongin's chest, grumbling, "Spend the whole night making sure you don't end up with your head in the toilet, and this is the thanks I get…"

"I'll get you more, I promise," Jongin says earnestly, but his expression takes on a slightly cocky air when he arches one eyebrow at Sehun, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "But you could argue that I expressed my gratitude in other ways last night…"

" _Jongin_ ," Sehun says again, but it comes out as more of a bashful mumble this time as images from the previous evening flash behind his eyelids.

"Ah, yeah, I forgot," Jongin says wryly, patting Sehun's cheek. "You only lose the shyness after dark."

"Drinks all my friggin' creamer and then he's gotta go and _tease me_ on top of it?" Sehun pouts at no one in particular, pressing his face into Jongin's T-shirt. "You're being a bad roommate _and_ a bad boyfriend right now, you know."

"All right, all right, I'll cop to being a bad roommate," Jongin concedes, resting a hand on the back of Sehun's head, "but I've only officially been your boyfriend for, like, twelve hours, so you haven't really witnessed the full scope of my abilities yet."

Sehun shifts more of his weight onto the couch with a dry laugh, his head naturally settling in the crook of Jongin's shoulder. "Exactly what abilities are you referring to, Jongin?"

"The usual boyfriend stuff," Jongin says vaguely, waving a hand and then using the back of it to stifle a yawn. "Y'know, going places with you and taking you out for dinner and, like… being supportive and all that crap?"

" _Being supportive and all that crap_ ," Sehun repeats slowly, lips twitching despite his efforts to suppress a smile. "That's really touching. Anything else?"

"I mean, yeah," Jongin says, lowering his voice and nosing at Sehun's cheek. "But I can't say anything about it right now."

Sehun's heart beats a little faster, and he drops his own voice. "Why not?"

"Because," Jongin murmurs, stealing a soft kiss, "the sun is out"—another kiss, this one a little deeper, and _wow_ , this is definitely a boyfriend thing that Jongin is very good at—"and that's nighttime kinda talk." With one last kiss, Jongin eases back and Sehun's eyes flutter open to see a cheeky smile on his face. "Or it is for you, anyway."

Sehun closes his eyes again and represses a shudder of pleasure, but nothing can temper the swell of heat flaring inside of him, swooping first up into his chest and then down into the rest of him. He feels like he did last night, unable to get his thoughts in order, unable to do much thinking in the first place about anything that isn't Jongin.

His train of thought, at first chugging along merrily through his memories as he recalls little flashes from the night before, promptly takes a sharp left turn off a cliff when he remembers his conversation with Jongdae from earlier in the evening. His mind starts racing: Is it normal to feel like that, to be so consumed by his feelings (lust? longing? _love?_ ) for Jongin? Is it too much too soon? Is it too much, full stop?

Then, he torments himself with another possibility: Does he actually care about Jongin, or is he just so desperate to stave off his loneliness and his sadness in the short term that he ironically put himself in a position where he might tank a perfectly good friendship in the long run?

 _Shut up_ , he thinks angrily, after what feels like minutes but in reality is only a few seconds, his jaw tensing in an effort to keep his frustration from showing on his face. _You're making shit up to scare yourself. Shut up._

Just then, Jongin pokes his cheek, and Sehun blinks a few times before he can focus on Jongin's face, which looks a little apprehensive. "You okay?" he asks. "You got a little quiet there for a sec."

"I'm fine," Sehun lies, a tired smile on his face. Still, he can't shake off this sense that he's done something wrong, and as much as he doesn't want to leave an opening for Jongin to remember his stupid little confession from their walk home last night, he also kind of wishes Jongin would bring it up so he doesn't have to rely on himself to pluck up the courage, because he's not sure he's ever going to have enough. "Hey, so, by the way… do we—" Sehun clears his throat. "Do we need to, like… talk about last night or anything?"

"I don't know." Jongin's eyes widen slightly, his lips naturally forming a pout the way they do when he's thinking about something. "Do we?"

"No, no— I mean, I don't think so?" Now Sehun kind of wants to punch himself in the head for bringing it up, because Jongin sounds so serious all of a sudden and now they're _both_ probably worried for no reason. "I just— I don't know, I just wanted to make sure you were okay with everything, that's all."

"Oh." Jongin visibly relaxes, and he gives Sehun's arm a comforting squeeze. "Yeah. I'm good if you're good. Are you good?"

"Yeah," Sehun says, and in this particular moment, he means it. "I'm good."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

 

After they hit the dining hall for a late brunch, Jongin peels off in the direction of the studio to get in some solo practice for the dance crew's end-of-semester showcase, and Sehun heads to Jongdae and Yixing's apartment.

Jongdae answers the door when he arrives, but he doesn't let Sehun in right away. Instead, he leans against the doorway with his arms folded. "What's up?"

"Can I come in?" Sehun sighs in frustration, but that doesn't seem to be doing him any favors, so he attempts to look contrite. "I just wanted to, uh, explain why I walked off in the middle of our conversation last night."

Jongdae nods and steps aside to let Sehun through the doorway, then leads him to the living room, where he must have been working; his laptop is open on the couch and there are a few books on the coffee table.

"Sorry for interrupting you," Sehun says, toeing off his shoes before he curls up in the armchair beside the couch. "I won't stay long."

"I'm gonna be up until 3 a.m. finishing this paper no matter what, so it's fine." Jongdae flops onto the couch with a soft grunt and closes his laptop, then turns to look at Sehun. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about last night," Sehun says, absently fiddling with the drawstrings dangling from the neck of his hoodie. "I know you were just trying to be helpful and I totally overreacted, as usual, so… yeah." His shoulders sag a little. "Sorry for storming off like that."

Jongdae shakes his head. "You don't have anything to apologize for. I'd be pissed at me, too, if I were you."

"I'm not mad. I wasn't really mad. I just…" Sehun sighs. "… took it too personally, I guess."

"I mean, I didn't really expect it to go over all that well," Jongdae says with a shrug, "especially considering I was kind of pushing your buttons on purpose. I still stand by what I said, but I'm sorry if it came off like I was nagging or trying to shame you or something. That wasn't my intention. Well…" One side of Jongdae's face scrunches up as he rethinks that statement. "Not completely, anyway."

Sehun shakes his head. "No, no, I didn't take it like that. I was just… _really_ fucking annoyed because you were kind of right and I just—" He groans and pulls the hood down over his head. "I didn't want to think about any of that shit because I just wanna be normal and happy and not all fucked in the head, but…"

"… but ignoring it doesn't make it go away," Jongdae finishes for him, and Sehun nods.

"And then you said that thing about me being kinda selfish for letting my happiness depend on one person—"

"In hindsight, I probably could have phrased that a little better," Jongdae cuts in with a little grimace. "Softened the blow a bit."

"I mean, you weren't wrong," Sehun admits, "but it seriously fucking sucked to think about it that way, and I felt really shitty and guilty and also kind of like knocking out all of your teeth, if I'm being honest, and I just didn't want to feel like that, so I left to get drunk instead, and I couldn't even do _that_ right because Baekhyun sucks ass at beer pong."

"From what I heard, seems like everyone _but_ you got shitfaced last night," Jongdae snorts. "Apparently Jongin's very funny when he's drunk. Chanyeol kept randomly giggling about something he said before you guys left."

"He made a joke about what a mess I was at the beginning of last year and I took it way too seriously and then he got all worried that he'd upset me and then I told _him_ that I'm a nervous wreck and that my brain is broken," Sehun says, hardly stopping to breathe, "and then as soon as we got home he basically dragged me into the shower with him, so I kind of hope he was too drunk and horny to remember anything I said last night because I'm really not ready to have the 'Hey, so, I might be crazy' talk with an actual professional, let alone the guy I've been dating for all of two weeks!"

"Okay," Jongdae says slowly, "so… that was… a lot…"

Sehun tugs on the drawstrings of his hood until only his nose and mouth remain visible, and slumps against the side of the armchair with a pitiful moan.

"All right, so, first of all," Jongdae says, and Sehun can hear the couch creaking slightly as Jongdae's voice moves closer, "you're not crazy, even if you feel like you are sometimes, so stop talking like that or I'll sic Baekhyun on you. And second of all, it's obvious to literally anyone with working eyeballs that Jongin really likes you. Like, I know he was messing with you last night—which is probably a good sign in the first place, because he clearly still feels comfortable around you even though your relationship is different now, but, anyway—there was this one moment last night where I caught him looking at you and I was like, 'That dude is _sprung_.' Like, you know how Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun sometimes? It was sort of like that, but only half as nauseating."

"Wait, what? Really?" Sehun loosens his hood so he can look at Jongdae, who's sitting on the end of the couch closest to him now. "How did I not notice that?"

"Maybe because you were too busy acting like a whiny brat," Jongdae snorts, "and, I don't know, maybe because you have low self-esteem and you'd probably try to talk yourself out of believing it actually happened?" He shrugs. "I'm just spitballing here."

"That's…" Sehun thinks about it for a moment, then shakes his head. "Yeah, that checks out."

" _Anyway_ ," Jongdae drawls, "I'm, like, ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent sure he would probably be cool about it if you ever feel like telling him anything more than 'my brain is broken.'"

Sehun slouches against the cushion with a heavy sigh. "I know. I think deep down I've always known that, because that's just the kind of person he is, but… I don't know. Telling him makes it real, and I just— god, I fucking hate being like this." He pulls the hood off of his head entirely and rakes a hand through his hair, agitated. "It's so annoying. I know, I _know_ when I'm being irrational, but I just start spiraling and I can't—" Sehun's arms go limp and he looks up at Jongdae, utterly helpless. "Jongdae, if I can't stand this about myself, how the fuck can I expect anyone else to?" He closes his eyes. "Oh my god. I'm doing it again. I'm like a goddamn broken record."

"I wish I had an answer for you." Jongdae shrugs. "Look, if you don't want to tell him, then don't, but don't keep it from him just 'cause you think he's gonna dump you or something. He won't."

"I know. He's the best. I love him so much." Sehun slides off the chair and onto the floor, clapping his hands over his face with a groan of misery. " _Fuck._ "

"Am I missing something here?" Jongdae asks. "What's wrong with that?"

"Everything!" Sehun sits up and stares at Jongdae in horror. How can he not see the predicament Sehun is in? "I feel like the words are going to fly out of my mouth at any moment, and then he's _really_ going to think I'm a fucking headcase. I mean, we've been together for what? Two, maybe two and a half weeks? Who the fuck decides they love someone after two weeks of dating besides a fucking lunatic?"

" _Sehun_ ," Jongdae says insistently, leaning forward with his eyebrows raised. "You're saying this like you _met_ him two weeks ago. He's not some rando you found on Tinder. You've been in each other's lives for more than a year. You've been _living_ with him since the day you started college. That's more than enough time to fall in love with a person. And there's not some, like… _prescribed_ amount of time that has to pass before you're allowed to feel that way."

"Oh… yeah, I guess that's true." Sehun's heart rate starts to return to normal. "Have you and Junmyeon… ?"

"Oh, yeah." Jongdae waves a hand dismissively. "I mean, it was after we'd been dating a couple months, but I've known Junmyeon since I was a freshman, and he's— he's kinda reserved, y'know? I think he was waiting for the right time and place, but I think it would have taken a lot longer if I hadn't accidentally forced it out of him."

Sehun squints at him. "What do you mean, _accidentally_ —"

"Jongdae, I'm going to the grocery store. Do you want to—" Yixing wanders into the living room, and raises his eyebrows when he sees Sehun sprawled out on the floor. "Oh. Hi, Sehun. Long time no see."

"Hey, Yixing." Sehun waves. "How's it going?"

"Same old, same old. Just trying not to tear all of my hair out preparing for my recital," Yixing says with a bright smile. "Oh, since you're here, that reminds me—I talked to Lu Han a few days ago. Have you spoken to him since Homecoming? He seemed surprised when I mentioned you and Jongin finally got together. Congrats, by the way."

Sehun claps his hands to his face. "Oh, shit! I forgot to tell him." He frowns slightly at Yixing. "How did that even come up?"

Yixing shrugs, his expression placid as ever. "I didn't realize it was a state secret. He asked me if you were doing any better since he hadn't heard from you himself, so I told him you were probably fine because you'd worked things out with Jongin. He wasn't mad or anything. But you should probably fill him in on how it all went down. I was kind of fuzzy on the details."

Jongdae snorts. "Don't worry, I'm sure Baekhyun filled in the gaps."

"Well, Baekhyun doesn't know anything Lu Han doesn't already know, so," Sehun sneers, sitting up. "Anyway, I guess I'll let you go back to work and go see if he wants to Skype or something."

"Oh, right, work…" Jongdae looks at his laptop with a somewhat guilty expression, then shrugs. "Ah, fuck it. I'm gonna be up until three anyway… give me five minutes, Xing, and I'll come with you." He looks at Sehun. "Not to kick you out or anything, but have we solved your existential crisis for the time being? I'm out of Pop Tarts and I can't function in the morning without them."

Sehun rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I'm good."

"Okay, well…" Jongdae stands when Sehun gets up. "If I don't see you before you leave, have a good break."

"The chances of that happening are slim, but, y'know, thanks anyway." Sehun shrugs. "Hope yours is good, too."

"Me too. Junmyeon's coming to visit, but he's also meeting my parents for the first time, so…" Jongdae pulls a face. "It could go either way, honestly."

"Everyone likes Junmyeon," Sehun points out, "but I'll keep my fingers crossed anyway."

As he leaves Jongdae and Yixing to their errands and walks back to his apartment, Sehun hopes against hope that someday he'll be able to introduce Jongin to his parents as his boyfriend—rather than simply his roommate—and it won't be a complete disaster. But that day, he thinks morosely, certainly won't be anytime soon.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun spends the three days leading up to Thanksgiving break with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, absolutely dreading his flight home on Tuesday evening. Realistically, he knows that a whopping five days away from Jongin isn't going to kill him—it might even be good to get out of "the bubble," he thinks—but he still feels vaguely ill whenever he thinks about leaving. He tries to comfort himself with the knowledge that it's probably the idea of being around his family that's making him miserable, not just being three thousand miles away from his best friend–slash–boyfriend (as much as you can comfort yourself with those kinds of thoughts, anyway).

Sehun's bags are packed and ready to go, but he refuses to request an Uber to the airport until Jongin gets out of class late Tuesday afternoon, even though it means he'll run into commuter traffic and will most definitely have to sprint to his gate once he gets through security. He bites back a smile when the downstairs door opens and he hears someone practically running up the stairs.

"It's open," he yells when Jongin's key rattles in the lock, and the door swings open a second later to reveal his somewhat windblown, breathless boyfriend.

"God, did you actually _run_ here from the studio?" Sehun laughs as Jongin shrugs his jacket off and drops his bookbag under the coathook.

"I wanted to make sure I didn't miss you," Jongin says defensively. He glances at his watch and looks at Sehun with alarm. "You should have been out the door fifteen minutes ago. You're gonna be late!"

"I don't care." Sehun gets up from the couch and crosses the room to limply drape his arms around Jongin's shoulders and pull him into a lazy hug. "I don't even want to go home, anyway."

"I know," Jongin sighs, rubbing his back. "Do you want me to go to the airport with you?"

"No, no, you'll miss your train." The corners of Sehun's mouth turn up in a wry smile as he steps back to see Jongin's face. "And you actually have people you want to see."

Jongin's eyebrows furrow in concern. "It's only a few days," he says, curling a hand around the back of Sehun's neck with an encouraging smile. "I'll text you a bunch. And maybe we can talk on Friday or Saturday?"

"Okay," Sehun sighs, but he's smiling. "Let me know. Otherwise, I'll see you on Sunday night."

Jongin nods. "C'mere." He tugs Sehun in for a crushing hug. "I'm gonna miss you."

Sehun buries his face in Jongin's neck, inhaling his scent. "I'll miss you, too."

Sehun lifts his head when Jongin noses at his cheek, and he slides a hand into Jongin's hair as he seals their mouths together. Sehun knows he's being utterly melodramatic, acting like a soldier being sent off to war instead of a kid who's going home for less than a week. Still, since he can't express his feelings in words, he tries to convey them through the kiss, feeling torn between wanting Jongin to understand exactly what he's saying with every movement of his lips and wanting those words and emotions to stay locked away until the time is right—whenever that is.

Jongin breaks the kiss—reluctantly, Sehun thinks, from the deep breaths he's taking—and rests his forehead against Sehun's, his eyes closed. "Text me when you land so I don't worry that your plane exploded or something, okay?"

That makes Sehun laugh. "I will, don't worry." He steals another kiss before stepping away to pull out his phone and arrange a ride to the airport. There must be a ton of drivers lurking around campus, knowing that students will be leaving for break, because after only a few seconds he gets a notification that his ride is two minutes away.

"All right." Sehun slides his phone into his back pocket with a sigh and pulls his zip fleece on. "I'm out."

"Okay." Jongin waits for him to finish zipping up before folding Sehun into his arms for one more squeeze. "Have a safe trip."

"You too," Sehun says, pressing his face into Jongin's neck for a couple seconds, not even caring that he's a little sweaty. He lets go when his phone chirps to alert him the driver has arrived, then slings his backpack over one shoulder and his duffel bag over the other. "Say hi to your parents for me."

"I will," Jongin says with a tiny smile. "And I'll talk to you soon."

Sehun waves goodbye and walks out the door, already counting the minutes until Sunday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chaotic week means another just-under-the-wire friday night post! this chapter's a little shorter than the last few, but it was only, like, 2.4k when i started revising it last night (that whole entire first scene did not exist before last night), so at least it's been a productive 24 hours!
> 
> no hanky-panky in this one, so hopefully the kissing will tide you over until next week. i have no idea what's going to happen next week because i still haven't written most of the substantive plot portions of that chapter (i.e., the non-rated material, 'cause you know i had that shit done MONTHS ago). i'm also really behind on my chankai fest fic. so i'm looking forward to maintaining my status as a living, breathing whirling dervish of stress this coming week. 🙃 please anticipate!!!
> 
> your playlist for this week: "broken record" by little boots [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/0EcEedNQUgPGcjOoTTJnIZ)], which is really about a messed-up relationship but in this case i'm interpreting it as an internal dialogue with your intrusive thoughts (which reminds me that i need to retroactively add florence + the machine's "breaking down" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/2Agg2uDrEIWnld6eoRW4Mj)] to chapter 8's notes because it works perfectly for sehun's bout of insomnia). and just to be slightly uplifting, let's throw in coldplay's "daylight" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/4fP4xTSBli3tKck172LEZ4)] because sehun is a soft shy boy who can't talk about anything Rated when he's wide awake and and the sun is shining and jongin can see how red his face gets!!! i know i always feel braver at night because i'm more relaxed and not overthinking everything so hard. (that's why all of my dumbass hot takes on the bird app get posted between the hours of 12 and 2 a.m. and why i only go on dating apps after dark, lmao.)
> 
> ANYWAYYYY. if you're feeling stressed and boxed in this week, i highly suggest taking a break and walking away from whatever's bugging you, even if it's just for 15 minutes. sometimes taking a walk around the block and inhaling some wintry air helps to clear your head. alternatively, you can wait until you get home, put on your pajamas, get big ol' glass of wine, and cry while listening to taeyeon's "fine" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/6CdUgvL597jWmW4w8P5kHs)] (HBD, taengoo!!! welcome to the big 3-0!!) OR scream along to "stress" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/0a0FISfY8ty1xC69xCWf2T)] and/or "why" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/4eiPbjcTEJDQcsv7WV0vfD)], two more kim taeyeon bangers. (look, in this house, 지금은 소녀시대! 앞으로도 소녀시대! 영원히 소녀시대!) hopefully it doesn't come to that, though. see you next week!


	11. thanksgiving break | november 26–29

Sehun's flight lands shortly before midnight, but his body is still on East Coast time, so he goes straight to bed as soon as he gets home from the airport. His parents have to work on Wednesday and his friends haven't yet agreed on a time and place to meet up over the break, so he makes the executive decision to sleep in until eleven. He takes his time waking up, staying curled up in his blankets with a pillow clutched in his arms until he's fully awake, and even then he doesn't make much of an effort to move until his phone chimes, indicating he's received a text.

Sehun rolls toward the edge of the bed to unplug his phone from its charger and smiles when he sees the notification on his lock screen that the message is from Jongin. He opens the messages app and makes himself cozy again.

|  |  |   
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⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Relishing the fact that he doesn't have to wear a coat because it's seventy-two degrees outside, Sehun spends most of the afternoon and evening enjoying the nice weather and catching up with Seulgi, Johnny, and Sejeong, his best friends from high school. His parents aren't exactly pleased that he stays out until well after ten in the evening—"What's the point in coming home if you aren't going to spend any time with us?" his mother grouses—but he makes up for it by getting up at a reasonable hour on Thursday and trying to be helpful, tidying the house and hauling spare folding chairs out of the garage while his mom cooks and his dad reads the newspaper with the parade on the TV in the background.

Thanksgiving is perhaps Sehun's least favorite holiday—too many nosy relatives asking him about school and what he plans to do with the rest of his life—but this one is better than most. For one thing, there aren't as many people this year because his aunt and cousins are spending the holiday with his uncle's family, and for another, Sehun actually has some semblance of an answer when a family friend asks him how school is going, describing the majors he's considering and how he might find a way to combine the two. He hates the way his heart pounds as he steals glances at his father's expression while he explains his options, and hates even more how relieved he feels when his dad looks suitably impressed with the thought Sehun's put into his future in the last couple of weeks, but at least there's no arguing or dirty looks being thrown at him.

"I'm even toying with the idea of taking a class on this one programming language used for data mining and statistical computing during the winter term—y'know, in January?" The words are out of his mouth before he can stop himself. He'd meant to broach the topic privately with his parents, and it seems like a bad idea to put them on the spot in front of company, so he tries to redirect. "I mean, obviously we have to discuss it—" He gestures to his mom and dad. "—but… I don't know, I just thought it might be useful."

His parents exchange a look across the table, and then his dad _smiles_. "We can talk it over later on."

Dinner continues uneventfully until one of his mom's friends makes an off-handed comment about how Sehun's grown into his lanky frame. "You must have to beat the girls off with a stick!" she jokes.

Sehun opens his mouth to deflect the implied question, but his mom beats him to the punch.

"Oh, come on," she says, swatting playfully at her friend. "You heard him. He's taking a full course load, and now he wants to take an extra class? He's way too busy to date. And we'd rather he focus on school, anyway."

His mom shoots him a knowing look, but Sehun is… puzzled. Why would she cut him off like that? He was about to give a similar bullshit answer, or at least put on some kind of false modesty act, but then she just… swooped in there before he could get a word in edgewise. And what the hell was that look supposed to mean?

The incident sticks in Sehun's craw for the rest of the evening. He tries to be cool about it, and for the most part he succeeds, which is good because after all their guests leave, his mom asks him to tag along on her shopping excursion the next morning.

"I think you need some new clothes. Everything you brought home with you looks too tight in the shoulders," she frets, plucking at his T-shirt on her way to bed. "Are you sure you're not leaving them in the dryer for too long?"

Sehun rolls his eyes. "I know how to do laundry, mom."

"Don't you roll your eyes at me," she says indignantly, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. "I brought you into this world, and I can sure as hell take you out of it."

Sehun shakes his head, unable to suppress a smile; he's got a good six inches on his mom. "Sure you can."

"Brat." She rolls her own eyes and tilts her cheek toward him. "Kiss."

He kisses his mother goodnight and heads up to his own bedroom a little while later, still turning that weird moment at dinner over in his head.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

They make out like bandits at the post-Thanksgiving sales; Sehun's pretty sure he's not going to be able to fit all of his new clothes into the small rollaboard suitcase he brought home with him. All that aside, though, he actually has a nice time with his mom. She takes him out to lunch, and he buys them both ice cream later in the afternoon when they need to recharge after waiting in a _very_ long line in one of the department stores.

That's what makes her interruption during Thanksgiving dinner even stranger, he thinks to himself during the car ride home. _She's acting like nothing happened._ Sehun wishes he could just let it go, but the worry gnaws at him. What exactly did she think was going to happen? 

When they get home, Sehun helps his mom take all of the bags inside before bringing his own things upstairs. It's warm in the house, so he empties the pockets of his zip fleece before pulling it over his head and tossing it onto the bed. He leaves his wallet on the nightstand as usual, his attention directed elsewhere as he unlocks his phone to check his messages. There's nothing from Jongin, he notes with mild disappointment, but he did say he'd be tied up with family stuff. _That's the entire point of the holiday_ , he reminds himself. _Family._

Sehun slides his phone into the back pocket of his jeans and sighs, his stomach roiling. He should really just go down and ask his mom what she meant yesterday, he thinks. If nothing seemed off today, maybe there was no ulterior motive. Maybe she was just trying to respect his privacy and went about it in a weird way. Maybe he's just overanalyzing things, looking for a reason to be upset.

But he'll never know if he doesn't ask, so he steels himself and slowly walks downstairs, trying to fight off the sudden rush of nausea he feels. He hears rustling in the kitchen and follows the source of the noise, poking his head through the doorway to see his mother unboxing some kitchen gadget she got a good deal on at Williams-Sonoma. She glances up and arches an eyebrow when she spots him lurking. "Yes?"

"Hi." Sehun steps fully into the doorway and fidgets with the hem of his T-shirt. "I was just— uh—" She looks at him expectantly, both eyebrows raise now, and he takes a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"

"… Yes?"

"Okay." He meets her eyes briefly and runs a hand through his hair, glancing around the room. "So, uh, yesterday, y'know, at dinner, when that question came up about me dating, you cut me off before I could answer and I was just— I was wondering why you did that."

"Oh." His mother looks surprised, unsure as to why he's bringing it up. She shrugs. "I thought it would be awkward for you?"

Sehun narrows his eyes. "Awkward _how_ , exactly?"

"Well, I mean, I didn't really think it was appropriate dinner conversation and I didn't want you to have to—"

And Sehun knows he shouldn't interrupt, knows he shouldn't be rash, but he's been on edge for the better part of 24 hours and he can't stop the sudden flare of anger in his gut. "Have to what? Lie? Or did you think I was just gonna decide, like, 'Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving dinner seems like the perfect time to come out! Hey everybody, guess what?'" He rolls his eyes. "I'm not an idiot, mom."

His mother's eyes pop wide open. "Sehun, that's not—"

"And you know what?" Sehun says, raising his voice. "Sure, I have a lot of work, but I'm not 'too busy to date.' I mean, maybe I am seeing someone! Maybe I'm not! Either way, do you really think I'd tell you now after that stunt you pulled?"

Sehun hears quick footsteps on the stairs followed by his dad's voice as he comes around the corner and stands on the other side of the breakfast bar in their kitchen. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, why are you yelling?"

"Oh, great, you're here," Sehun says with a humorless laugh, heart pounding in his ears. "You should hear this, too. Do you really want to know why I wanted to register for that class I told you about? It’s because the prospect of being trapped here for a month and a half over break is fucking unbearable!”

"Watch your mouth," his dad snaps, his expression turning stormy. Sehun sees his mother flash him a pleading look that screams _Stay out of it!_

"No," Sehun shouts. “You're both constantly bitching about me not calling or talking to you enough, and the second I get to say what's on my mind, you don't like it? Tough shit! You want me to talk? Here you go: I don't call you because all you guys do is stress me out about school and act like you’re ashamed of me and make me hate myself and I’m fucking sick of it! I’m never going to be the son you want me to be! I'm never going to be valedictorian or whatever, and I’m definitely never going to like girls, and if you can’t accept that, then fine." He throws his hands up. "Throw me out. Cut me off. I don’t fucking care anymore. I'm _done_.”

Running on pure adrenaline, Sehun grits his teeth, turns on his heel, and walks out of the kitchen, ready to throw elbows in case his dad tries to grab him. He doesn't, though—Sehun catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye, standing stock-still in shock as Sehun charges past him, heading toward the front door.

"Wait, where are you going?" Sehun's mom asks, anguished, following him out of the kitchen.

"Out!" Sehun jams his feet into his slip-on sneakers and yanks open the front door. "Don't wait up!"

"Sehun—" he hears her yell, but the door slams behind him and he strides down the walkway, taking a left when he hits the sidewalk and heading down the street at a pretty fast clip.

Sehun makes it three blocks before the anger starts to wear off and the anxiety kicks in. Why does he always have to pop off like that when he's upset? _You never fucking_ think, he berates himself.

His phone buzzes in his back pocket, and his chest is rattled by a pang of terror—it's probably one of his parents—and then sudden relief that he's got his phone on him at all, and _then_ a wave of dread settles over him when he realizes that's the _only_ thing he has on him. He'd left his wallet in his bedroom, so he doesn't have any money, nor does he have his ID, so on the off chance he gets murdered tonight—because teenagers always seem to get murdered when they run out of the house ( _Does this qualify as running away?_ he wonders suddenly) after having a fight with their parents, and the last words they exchange are always something horrible… or at least that's how it happens on TV—no one will be able to identify his body, assuming they even find it in the first place! Plus, it's getting dark and chilly—chilly for California, anyway—and he left his jacket upstairs, too, so if he doesn't get murdered then he'll probably freeze to death. _Great_.

Sehun takes a deep breath, trying to stave off the panic rising in his chest, and looks around. He thought he'd been walking aimlessly, but when he passes the park near his house, he realizes he'd unconsciously started walking to Seulgi's house. _Okay_ , he thinks. _At least I have somewhere to go._

But he doesn't actually know if she's even home, and maybe she's busy or her parents have company over or they just don't want him there, and he can't really blame them because his own parents probably don't even want him around, and—

 _Oh my_ fucking _god, what if they actually_ do _disown me?!_

He didn't think any of this through. He didn't think _any_ of this through. That's his MO, he thinks: shoot your mouth off first, do as much damage as possible, and deal with the consequences later… but these consequences are bigger than anything he's encountered before.

Eyes burning with unshed tears, Sehun keeps walking, his chest aching with the effort it's taking him not to cry right now. He takes deep breaths until his lungs stop feeling like they're going to seize up at any moment, then pulls his phone out of his pocket. He unlocks it quickly to avoid seeing the notifications and navigates to Seulgi's contact page, then punches the call button.

She picks up after a few rings. "Hey, what's up?"

Sehun pulls the phone away to sniff loudly and clear his throat, then brings it back to his ear. "Hey," he says, trying to sound casual in spite of how ragged his voice sounds. "Are you home right now? Can I come over? It's okay if you're busy—"

Seulgi cuts him off. "Not busy at all. Of course you can come over. What's wrong? You sound a little funny."

Sehun sniffs again. "Long story. I'm on my way. Meet me outside in five minutes?"

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Seulgi's sitting on the front steps when Sehun walks up to her house, rubbing the goosebumps away from his arms with his hands. She gets up as he comes up the walkway. "Hey," she says gently, catching sight of his face in the porch light. She doesn't come down, instead standing on the second step from the top to match his height.

"Hey," Sehun says, coughing into his elbow. "Sorry for dragging you out here—I would have knocked, but I didn't want your parents to see me like…" He swipes at his eyes and sniffs. "Like this."

"It's fine, don't worry about it." Seulgi beckons him closer, and Sehun lets her pull him into a hug. "What happened?"

"Had a fight with my parents," Sehun mumbles into her shoulder, blinking hard. "Is it— is it cool if I crash here tonight?"

"I'm sure my parents won't mind," Seulgi says, squeezing him tightly around the shoulders before stepping back to look at him again. "C'mon, let's go upstairs."

She turns around and opens the front door, poking her head in and looking both ways to make sure the coast is clear before offering a hand to Sehun, who takes it and follows her inside, up the staircase opposite the door, and into her bedroom. He toes off his shoes and sits cross-legged on the bed, watching Seulgi fiddle with her phone and Bluetooth speaker as she puts on a playlist (ostensibly to muffle their voices, he thinks), and he suddenly finds himself feeling very sentimental and grateful that the new transfer student who had just happened to sit next to him in trig on the first day of tenth grade is still one of his best friends.

"Okay," Seulgi says, mirroring Sehun's position as some indie rock song he's not familiar with filters through the speaker. "So. Tell me what happened."

It's convoluted story that involves a lot of jumping back and forth in time and getting sidetracked by minor details, and by the time he's said everything he needs to say, there's a small pile of crumpled tissues in his lap, he's got a wicked case of the hiccups, and his text notification has gone off six times.

"Okay, who's blowing up your phone right now?" Seulgi says, unable to ignore the noise anymore.

"Probably my mom," Sehun says, grimacing. "I can't look."

Seulgi holds out her hand. "Gimme."

Sehun reaches back and pulls it out of his pocket, unlocking it before he hands it to her. He covers the lower half of his face with his hands and winces. "Is it bad?"

Seulgi shrugs as she scrolls up to read through the messages. "It is your mom, but she seems more panicked about where you are than anything else." She looks up at him. "She just said she's gonna call the cops if you don't text her back, though. Can I at least tell her you're here?"

Sehun nods, and Seulgi quickly fires off a message before handing the phone back to him.

_Hi, this is Seulgi. Sehun's at my house, please don't worry, he'll be home in the morning._

Sehun reads it and looks up at her, anguished. "Why would you tell her that?"

"What, that you're going home in the morning?" Seulgi purses her lips and blinks at him, exasperated. "Because you _are_ going home in the morning, Sehun. You and your parents need to have an actual conversation instead of a shouting match. And, sure, my parents may adore you, but you can't stay here forever, you realize."

Sehun falls back against the pillows, moaning in misery. " _Fuuuuuuck_."

Seulgi clucks her tongue at him. "You know what this calls for? Sheet masks."

"Seulgi, come on," Sehun groans. "I'm having an _actual crisis_ here."

"No shit." Seulgi gets up from the bed to rifle around in one of her drawers and turns around with a sheet mask in each hand. "But I'm telling you, nothing is more relaxing than lying down for half an hour with one of these on your face. Also, you're all bloodshot and splotchy, so if you don't want my parents asking any questions, you better just do as I say."

Sehun grumbles about it, but ultimately he gives in, moving from the bed to Seulgi's bedroom floor. He folds his arms across his chest and closes his eyes, lying still as she clips his bangs back and places the mask on his face. The playlist changes to something more relaxing after she stands up, and he hears the flick of a light switch and the raspy click of a lighter before she joins him on the floor.

"This is ridiculous," Sehun says through gritted teeth, unable to move his mouth much without disturbing the mask.

"Shut up," Seulgi responds in a similar fashion. He hears her rub her hands together, probably to absorb the rest of the serum from the mask, and then she reaches over to squeeze one of his big hands in her smaller one.

Sehun unfolds his arms, letting them fall at his sides, and cracks one eye open to see flickering light in his peripheral vision. "Did you light a candle?"

"Shut _up_ ," Seulgi whines, and Sehun has to lift his free hand to adjust the placement of the mask around his mouth because he can't stop himself from smiling. "Just relax, damn it."

Sehun crosses his ankles and tries to do just that, focusing on anything but the tangle of thoughts in his head: the music, the smell of the candle, the coolness of the mask. It feels like a lot of time (and yet no time at all) has passed when Seulgi nudges him after twenty minutes.

"Has your mask dried up?"

Sehun gently shakes his hand free of hers and pats his face with both hands. "Yeah, pretty much."

Seulgi sits up and reaches over to peel the sheet off of Sehun's face. "How do you feel?"

Sehun rubs the remaining serum into his cheeks and blinks a few times. "Damn it," he says, realizing that she was right. "That was relaxing as hell."

"I don't wanna say I told you so," Seulgi says with a satisfied smile, "but… I told you so."

A few drops of Visine later, Sehun follows Seulgi down the stairs and into the kitchen, where they raid the fridge for Thanksgiving leftovers.

"Yes, good, eat it all," Seulgi's mom says, watching the two of them load up their plates. "Get it out of my house. I'm throwing the rest out as soon as you and your brother go back to school."

Seulgi laughs. "Oh, mom, is it okay if Sehun stays over? We were just gonna hang out and watch movies."

"Of course he can stay over," her mom says, walking around the kitchen island to pinch Sehun's cheeks. "Long time no see, Sehun! Goodness, I feel like you get taller every time I see you."

"Maybe you're just getting shorter," Seulgi teases her.

"Oh, shush, you." Seulgi's mom flaps a hand at her. "There's pie, too, Sehun, so help yourself."

Sehun grins. "Oh, believe me, I will."

After inhaling their dinner, Sehun and Seulgi camp out in front of the TV in the den, working their way through a selection of the Kang family's Pixar DVDs and chatting intermittently. Sehun's phone goes off again midway through _The Incredibles_ , and he scrambles to look at it because instead of the standard chime that usually heralds a text, it's the one he'd set specifically for Jongin's calls and messages.

Seulgi holds up the remote. "Do you want me to pause it?"

"No, no, it's just Jongin," Sehun says, waving a hand as he unlocks his phone.

"Oh, it's _just Jongin_ ," she repeats, amused, but then Sehun slumps onto the throw pillow arranged against the arm of the couch and Seulgi sits up, mildly alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sehun sighs, holding out the phone so she can see the message.

Jongin had sent him a picture someone else had taken of him—his mom, maybe, or one of his sisters—because his hands were too full to take it himself. He's sitting on the couch, grinning down at his niece and nephew sprawled out all over him, totally conked out. _It's lit at Casa Kim this Friday evening_ , he'd captioned it.

"Oh _no_ ," Seulgi whispers, clapping her hands to her face. "Oh my god, I'm going to _die_ , that's so cute."

"Well, pull yourself together so I can send him one of us," Sehun laughs, scooting closer to her and opening the camera app. He snaps a handful of pictures and sends the best one to Jongin.

"Here, I'm gonna AirDrop you something to send to him, too," Seulgi says, grabbing her own phone and tapping the screen a few times. "Did you get it?"

"What is it—" Sehun stops midsentence and groans. "Oh, you're _evil_."

Unbeknownst to him, Seulgi had snapped a picture of Sehun while she was bustling around the room after putting his face mask on.

"He's going to think it's really cute," Seulgi says in a singsong voice, "because it _is_ really cute. And you can tell him I wrestled the phone away from you and sent it myself, if that helps your ego."

Sehun studies the picture for a moment. He does look very calm in spite of his inner turmoil, and it is kind of funny to see his hair pinned back like that. _Seulgi made me send this_ , he types before hitting send.

Jongin responds with a couple of cry-laughing emojis. _Can I FaceTime you real quick?_

"Oh, shit," Sehun mutters after replying with a very restrained _yeah!_ He reaches over to turn on the table lamp next to the couch just as the FaceTime ringer goes off. "Seulgi, do I have anything in my teeth?"

She shakes her head and pauses the movie, then ducks out of the room as Sehun answers the call. "Hey. You're up late."

Jongin yawns. "Got off babysitting duty later than I expected, so I thought I'd give you a call, but I didn't realize you had plans tonight."

"Technically, they're more like… un-plans," Sehun laughs weakly. "Things were getting a little, uh, _tense_ at home and I needed a break, so I'm staying the night at Seulgi's."

"Oh." Jongin's brows furrow together. "Do you— do you want to talk about it? Is everything okay? Ah, that's a dumb question— I mean, obviously—"

"Hey, hey." Sehun's voice is soft, and he smiles into the camera. "I'm fine. Everything's— it'll be fine. I'll tell you the whole story tomorrow."

Seulgi pokes her head back into the den and makes to leave again, seeing that Sehun's still on the phone, but he beckons her over.

"Is that Seulgi?" Jongin asks. "I can let you go—"

"No, no, it's cool," Sehun says, angling the phone to fit her into the frame as she sits back down on the couch next to Sehun. "High school best friend, meet college best friend–slash–boyfriend."

"Hi, Jongin!" Seulgi slings an arm around Sehun's shoulders and waves shyly at the camera. "Don't worry, he's in good hands."

"So I see." Jongin grins. "We should chat sometime, trade Sehun stories."

"Oh, no, we're not doing this," Sehun says, shaking his head vehemently and turning the camera away from Seulgi. "Hanging up now."

"Follow me on Instagram!" Seulgi presses her cheek against Sehun's to stay in the frame. "I'm seulgom—that's s-e-u-l-g-o-m—"

"Hate you guys so much right now," Sehun grumbles.

"Liar," Seulgi says at the same time Jongin says, "No, you don't," and they both laugh.

"Friend request incoming," Jongin says, glancing down from the camera as he taps on the screen. "Aaaaand… sent!"

Seulgi looks at her phone. "Got it. Guess we'll pick this up later, then!"

"Awesome." Jongin smiles at her and looks back at Sehun. "I guess I'll talk to you sometime tomorrow, then? Let me know if there's a good time to call."

The sour look fades from Sehun's face. "I will. Thanks for calling. Good night."

He and Jongin both sign off with a little wave, and Sehun drops his phone on the couch with a little sigh.

Seulgi leans her head against his shoulder. "You really like him, huh?"

"I really, really do." Sehun glances down at her. "So try not to embarrass me too hard when you inevitably tell him about all the dumb shit I did in high school. And on that note—I haven't told him about our ill-fated dating experiment, so maybe keep that one under your hat until I figure out how to work that into a conversation."

"I promise I'll only tell him the good stuff." Seulgi draws an 'x' on her chest. "I wanna meet him for real, though. Your spring break is the same week as mine, right? Maybe we could all get together somehow."

Sehun laughs nervously. "Can I get through tomorrow before we start making vacation plans?"

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

The next morning, after forcing him to eat at least a little breakfast, Seulgi walks Sehun home.

"Text me and let me know how it all shakes out, all right?" she says, standing on the tips of her toes to give him a hug. "You can do this. Just stay calm and don't fly off the handle."

"I won't," Sehun says, stepping back. "I'm just gonna shut up and listen and hope they don't actually throw me out on my ass."

"Give them a little credit," Seulgi says gently. "They're not monsters. I'm sure they know you said all of that stuff in anger."

"Right." Sehun takes a deep breath. "Okay. I'm going in. I'll text you when the dust settles."

He waves Seulgi off and punches in the code to open the garage door; the back door is always unlocked, which is convenient considering his keys are upstairs with his wallet. He punches the button to close the mechanical door behind him and quietly lets himself into the house.

The garage door is loud enough to hear from anywhere in the house, so his parents will definitely know he's home, but maybe he can still sneak up to his room before they spot him. He hears noise in the living room, though, so he knows he can't get to the staircase unseen. He pauses outside the doorway to the living room, takes another deep breath, and steps into the room.

"… Hi," Sehun says awkwardly, unable to find the words to say much else.

His parents look up at him, and they look exhausted, older than he's ever remembered them looking before. His dad turns off the TV, and his mom clears her throat.

"Sehun," she says, patting the spot next to her on the couch. "Come sit, please."

With his stomach in knots, Sehun crosses the living room and parks himself in the seat next to his mom.

"All right, so…" Sehun's dad sits forward in his armchair. "There seems to have been some serious miscommunication here that we need to clear up."

"Right." Sehun's mom takes his hands and looks him dead in the eye. "Okay. Well. First off, we just want to say that we love you so much, and we are _not_ ashamed of you—" Her eyes well up. "—and we're both so sorry for ever making you think that. We had no idea you were so upset and stressed out and that we were making it worse by being so strict with you. But—and we're not making excuses here, honestly—but you have to understand, honey: we can't fix these things if we don't know that something is wrong in the first place."

"But we're not blaming you," his dad chimes in, sitting forward in his recliner. "If anyone's to blame, it's us for letting you drift away from us for the last couple of years. We're your parents, and it's our job to make sure those lines of communication stay open, and we screwed up. You were a good kid in high school—you always kept your nose clean, and we thought everything was okay, so we left you alone. But we know now that was a huge mistake, because what happened last year… that kind of thing doesn't happen overnight. You needed more support than what we were giving you; we see that now."

"It just… felt like everything changed when you went to college," his mom continues. "It's like dad said—you were such a good student all through grade school, you know? We never really thought we had to worry about you. So when we found out you were getting in trouble and in danger of failing out, we were terrified that something was seriously wrong. I mean, honestly, I thought you were on _drugs_ , Sehun! And to make matters worse, you were three thousand miles away!"

"I can't tell you how many times I had to talk your mother down from flying out there and taking you home," his dad says. "I don't think she got more than four hours of sleep a night until the end of your first semester."

"I didn't know that." Sehun props his elbows on his knees and lets his head fall into his hands, feeling sick with guilt. "I'm sorry."

"Don't, don't do that," his mother says, scooting closer to rub his back. "That's— we're not trying to guilt-trip you here. We're saying that obviously there was a deeper issue at hand. But instead of trying to find the root of the problem, we jumped to being angry and frustrated and breathing down your neck, and that may have improved your grades, but it also made you even more distant, and nagging you just made it worse. We— we didn't show any trust in you, so of course you didn't feel like you could trust us, either."

"We panicked," his dad says simply, "and we made a lot of very bad decisions, and we're sorry. And we're— we're going to try hard to make up for that. But we need you to keep us in the loop, Sehun. If something's wrong, if you're struggling, if you need help… you have to tell us, son. Call, text, email… telegram… homing pigeon… smoke signal…" Sehun manages a weak laugh at this. "Your mom and I are a lot of things, but mind readers we are not."

"I know." Sehun sits up with a shuddery sigh, blinking wetness out of his eyes. "I don't— I don't know why I _do_ that, why I shut down and shut everyone out when I get overwhelmed instead of asking for help. But I'm— I'm gonna work on it, I promise."

"Okay. That's all we're asking for." His mom hesitates. "As for the other thing—what happened yesterday—Sehun, I shouldn't have interrupted you like that, but I didn't do it for the reason you're thinking."

"Then why?" Sehun asks, still feeling a little hurt by it. "I was basically going to say the same thing you did anyway, but it just… really rubbed me the wrong way that you were so quick to, like… try to shut me up. That's how it felt to me, anyway."

"I'm so sorry." His mother buries her face in her hands for a moment, then drops them back into her lap. "I— _we_ — we don't have a problem with— with you being gay. We're still learning and adjusting to the new status quo, and I'm sure I'm going to stick my foot in my mouth at least once before this conversation is over, but your— your feelings are not up for debate."

"Okay…" Sehun scratches his head. "That still doesn't answer my question, though."

"Right," his mom says, shaking her head in exasperation at herself. "Well. The thing is, there are people out there who don't feel the same way we do—including some people at dinner last night, which… is a whole other conversation we'll probably have to have at some point—but, anyway, the point is: we accept you, but I know other people might not, and I'm just— _god_ ," she whispers, leaning over to grab a tissue from the box on the end table and dabbing at her eyes with it, "I just— I'm afraid for you. I don't— I don't want your life to be any harder than it has to be. And I know I can't protect you from everything, as much as I want to, but I didn't want anyone being nosy and making you uncomfortable in your own home, and I am _beyond_ horrified by the irony that _I'm_ the one who ended up making you feel like I was anything other than proud of you." She pauses to blow her nose. "I was going to tell you that last night, but… things got a little out of hand."

Sehun knows if he tries to talk too much he'll start blubbering like a baby, so instead he pulls his mom into a tight hug. "Thank you for saying all this," he says in a trembling voice. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. Both of you," he adds, looking at his dad—who is doing a suspicious amount of blinking right now—over his mom's shoulder. "I was angry and I said a lot of stupid sh— _stuff_ that I shouldn't have said. I'm gonna— I'm gonna do better, I promise. I love you."

"We're going to do better, too," his dad says, standing up and leaning over to pat his cheek and kiss the top of his head. "Love you."

"I— love— you— so— much," his mom says, punctuating each word with a kiss to Sehun's cheek before she lets go of him. "I don't want you to ever think that's in question again."

"I won't," Sehun says, and he means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the interruptions to your regularly scheduled programming—ya girl is bad at time management and has a nasty habit of biting off way more than she can chew, and it all got to be A Bit Too Much last week. hope chapters 11 and 12 make up for the lack of a post last week. things should be relatively smooth sailing from here on out; this chapter was just a real bear to get done, but i feel good about it. the next chapter is your reward for having to read all of that heavy dialogue, lmao. i hope the issue with sehun's parents made sense; i was kind of going for an unreliable narrator thing with sehun, but i'm not sure how well that translated. teenagers always think the world is out to get them because you don't really learn how NOT to be self absorbed until you reach a certain age (and even then, it really takes years of therapy to become self-aware enough to realize when your head is up your own ass).
> 
> just one song on the playlist for this chapter: "[folding chair](https://open.spotify.com/track/1fVkv2HympD7WrvJ6kui5N)" by regina spektor, which kind of made me think of seulgi and sehun in this chapter—"maybe one day you will understand / i don't want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand / till that day just please don't be so down / don't make frowns / you silly clown."
> 
> thank you very much to whoever sent me that cc message asking about last week's update—it's nice to know i'm not the only one who notices when i don't post on schedule! and thank you to the nice people who stumbled upon this story this week in spite of there not being an update. (i guess things must be quiet in the sekai tag this week, huh?) anyway—i'm posting chapter 12 simultaneously, so feel free to jump right on to that after you read this silly note of mine!
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)


	12. november 29, a saturday

Sehun's almost giddy as he counts down the minutes until Jongin's supposed to call him. He's got the house to himself, and his parents had left him pizza money (since everyone was a little burned out on leftovers by this point in the weekend), so he'd stuffed himself to the gills with dinner for the third night in a row.

"Are you sure you don't want to invite your friends over while we're out?" Sehun's mom had asked him for the third time as she slid her feet into her pumps, using Sehun's arm for balance.

"Yes, I'm sure," he'd replied patiently. "I could use a night to myself, honestly."

Of course the first block of free time both he and Jongin had available for a long chat was the night before they'd actually get to see each other in the flesh again, but Sehun wasn't about to complain, not when things were going this well at home.

The special Jongin ringtone startles him out of his thoughts, and he scrambles for his phone, makes himself wait until after the second ring to pick up the call. "Hellooooo?"

"Hey."

"Hey yourself," Sehun says, crossing his ankles and looking up at his ceiling. "How's it going?"

"We'll talk about me later." Jongin sounds concerned. "What happened yesterday? Y'know, before you went to Seulgi's?"

"Oh, that?" Sehun knows he sounds way too flippant, but the point is entirely moot now. "My parents and I got into a fight and I said some really, really stupid shit that could have gotten me in a lot of trouble, and then I sort of ran away to Seulgi's, but the next morning when I went home, we talked it out and everything's good—better than good, actually. _Great_."

"I'm gonna need to hear the unabridged version of this story, if you don't mind."

Sehun laughs and fills in the details. "So… yeah. I feel really, really good right now."

"You seem to have good luck with that kind of thing," Jongin says wryly. "Blowing your top and forcing other people to talk about shit they've been avoiding. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything, but…" Sehun grins and shakes his head, knowing exactly what he means. "Anyway… I'm really glad you and your parents were able to work things out. I know that's been bothering you for a long time."

Sehun makes a soft noise of acknowledgment. "Of course, now I feel kind of weird and guilty because they might theoretically be cool with me having a boyfriend, but I'm almost a hundred percent certain they would be extremely uncool if they knew I was living with said boyfriend."

"Yeaaaaah, that part's not great," Jongin sighs. "I'm kind of in the same boat. I haven't told anyone at home about us—well, besides Taemin, but that's different. And it's not 'cause I don't want to, it's just…"

"… you don't want to incite a riot at home?" Sehun asks, and Jongin hums in assent. "Yeah. I'm worried they'd all make us break our lease mid-year and move into separate places. I mean, we'll probably have to do that next year anyway if we ever want to tell our families anything, but I don't really want to start thinking that far ahead when this is still, y'know…"

"New," Jongin says, finishing Sehun's train of thought. "Yeah. I kind of hate keeping secrets like this, but it doesn't feel as crappy as it would if it were only one of us having to hide the other. I mean, I would like the people in my life to know I'm seeing someone."

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not really, like, _out_ out, I guess—y'know, like, in a 'social media official' kinda way—but…" Sehun thinks about it for a moment. "I'd do that for you."

"Well, I'm not saying you have to put your personal details all over the internet or whatever—that's totally up to you," Jongin says quickly. "It's more like, y'know, say I wanted to post a picture of us on the 'Gram, or write something a little more sincere than 'Happy birthday!' on your Facebook wall in April…"

"Right, right, I gotcha," Sehun says, grinning stupidly to himself. "Don't call it 'the 'Gram,' though, Jongin, that's so fucking lame."

"Gee, no one told me I was dating the arbiter of cool," Jongin says dryly. "Anyway, all I'm saying is— ah, come on, Monggu, get out of there!"

Jongin sounds far away all of a sudden, and Sehun hears a bark in the background followed by Jongin's muffled voice talking in a soothing tone.

"Sorry," Jongin says after a few seconds, his voice at a normal volume again, but it quickly devolves into the slightly babyish tone people tend to use when talking to their pets. "I did a bunch of laundry earlier and this rascal tried to climb right in the basket with all my clean clothes."

Sehun stifles a laugh. Whatever the dog-loving equivalent of a crazy cat lady is, that's Jongin. His family has three poodles and he dotes on them to the point of referring to them as his "kids." Sehun remembers Jongin being homesick the first semester of freshman year, but it wasn't his family he missed—it was his pets.

Sehun grins. "How are the kids doing?"

"Canine or human?"

"Both, I guess."

"Goooood." Jongin's voice is cheerful but distant again. Sehun can hear him cooing and making kissy noises. "Monggu. _Monggu_. Look— aww, who's a good boy?"

Sehun's phone chimes a few seconds later. He lowers the phone from his ear to check his notifications and raises an eyebrow when he sees Jongin's name on the lock screen. He opens the message and laughs when he sees the photo attached to it: Jongin curled up in bed with Monggu, making him wave his paw at the camera. The dog is super cute, but Sehun thinks Jongin's messy hair and glasses and crinkly-eyed smile are infinitely cuter.

Sehun brings the phone back to his ear. "I'm so jealous."

Jongin laughs. "I know, isn't he adorable?"

"No, I mean I'm jealous of the dog," Sehun snickers, though he's only half joking. There's a sad, desperate little part of him that wants to know if Jongin misses him, but he's too much of a coward to ask and it's too pathetic a question to even consider saying out loud. "He's exactly where I wanna be right now."

"Honestly, half the reason I've been letting the dogs sleep in here while I've been home is because sleeping alone feels weird." Jongin sighs. "Maybe I'm being silly, 'cause, y'know, this is still really new, but I've gotten used to having you around all the time and going cold turkey—no pun intended—kinda sucks. I miss you."

For a split second, Sehun wonders if Jongin can actually read his mind, but he's so touched by this admission that the thought leaves his head as soon as it enters. "I miss you, too," he sighs. "This has been the longest week of my life—y'know, with the exception of that week where you weren't speaking to me."

Jongin groans. "You're going to hold that over my head forever, aren't you?"

Sehun rolls onto his side and smiles into his pillow. "Probably."

Jongin's only response to that is a rueful laugh. "Seriously, though, if five days sucks this bad, five whole weeks of winter break might actually be hell. I think I'm gonna check on Monday and see if I can still squeak into a J-Term course so I can come back early."

Sehun gasps. "Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you I was looking into doing that, too. I mentioned it on Thanksgiving and my parents seemed impressed that I was, y'know, showing initiative and all that."

Jongin snickers. "Just not the kind of initiative they're hoping for."

"Excuse you, I'm a model student. Get your mind out of the gutter," Sehun teases. "I'm starting to think you might actually be a little bit of a dirtbag."

"Ah, my secret's out." Sehun can almost see the smirk on Jongin's face. "I guess that means now I can say what's actually been on my mind the last few days."

"Yeah?" Sehun sucks on his lower lip. "And what's that?"

"Well… it's just that jerking off by myself feels like such a chore," Jongin says with a low chuckle. "I come so much harder when you're doing it. Feels better like that."

"Oh, so _that's_ why you miss me." Sehun's insides flood with warmth. "You only want me for my body."

"In my defense, it's a very nice body."

" _Very nice?_ " Sehun laughs. "Is that the best you can come up with?"

"Fishing for compliments?" Jongin retorts playfully.

Sehun grins at the ceiling. "Maybe."

"Fine," Jongin says in a low, throaty voice. "Sehun, you are so fucking hot it defies logic. No one with a face as cute as yours should be allowed to have a body like that."

Sehun's still fishing to some degree, but he's also majorly turned on by the tone of Jongin's voice and genuinely curious as to what Jongin finds sexy about him. "A body like what?" 

"Like, you're so skinny and yet you have those giant linebacker shoulders. You look like an upside-down triangle from the back, and it's just—" Jongin lets out a low whistle. "I don't know _why_ it gets my dick hard, but it _does_. Also, you have the cutest ass I've ever seen. And not to take this in a weird direction or anything, but, like, even your _feet_ are nice, and this is coming from someone who finds even the _concept_ of feet to be disgusting." Jongin sounds extremely flustered. "And don't even get me started on your dick."

" _Jongin_ ," Sehun whispers, scandalized and yet massively turned on. Even though he's alone in the house, he gets off of his bed and locks the door just in case. "Holy shit, you are _real_ chatty tonight. Have you been drinking again?"

" _No_ ," Jongin laughs. "I'm just super horny and I miss my cute boyfriend. Is that a crime?"

"If it is, then we're both going to jail." Sehun flops back onto his bed. "Anyway, please continue your list of my favorable attributes. I believe we left off on…"

"You are _so_ fishing for compliments," Jongin snorts. "But I guess I can indulge you this one time. I know you're just trying to get me to say you have a big dick."

Sehun clicks his tongue in protest. "Am not—"

"I mean, it's true, though," Jongin says, pressing onward. "You do. But that's not what I like about it."

Sehun closes his eyes and reaches down to cup himself, feeling his cock start to fill out against the front of his pajamas. "What do you like about it, then?"

Jongin makes a thoughtful noise in the back of his throat. "Maybe it's less about your dick itself and more about how you react when I touch you. God, it felt so good making you come in my hand the other night. And the _sounds_ you make—you're not loud, but you are noisy, if that makes sense." He pauses. "Got me wondering what you'd sound like if I made you come with my mouth."

A strangled little moan escapes Sehun's throat, and he presses his lips together tightly to silence himself.

"Mmm, I thought you might like that. I see how you look at my lips sometimes. I bet you've thought about me going down on you. I'd do it, you know, if you asked," Jongin says, his voice growing a little softer. "Get you nice and hard before I suck your dick into my mouth as far as it'll go—I'm up for a challenge—and maybe… hmm." Sehun can hear his heart beating in his ears, but Jongin's voice comes through clearly even when he lowers his voice to casually inquire, "Have you ever been fingered, Sehun?"

Sehun nearly chokes on a gasp. "N-No."

"Have you ever fingered yourself?"

Sehun glances down at the pronounced bulge in his sweats and swallows. "Uh-uh."

"Do you have lube?"

All of the blood that's supposed to be circulating in Sehun's brain has apparently been diverted to his cock instead, because the haze of lust clouding his head has sapped him of his ability to construct sentences longer than four words. "No, not at home," he says quickly.

"Bummer," Jongin sighs. "Although, on second thought, it's probably better that way. I think I'd rather experiment with you on my own time. I can't exactly see your face over the phone."

 _Fuck_ , Sehun mouths at the ceiling, plunging his hand beneath his sweats and boxers to pull out his cock. He wedges the phone between his ear and shoulder and uses his free hand to ruck his T-shirt up to his armpits, then grabs the phone with his shaky left hand as he begins to jerk off.

"Hey, Sehun?"

"Mmmyeah?"

"Are you touching yourself right now?" Jongin asks with great interest.

"Obviously," Sehun says in a breathy voice. "You?"

"Give me one second."

Sehun laughs softly when he hears Jongin quietly shoo Monggu out of the room and close the door. "Don't wanna corrupt the youth, huh?"

"Shut up," Jongin laughs, the creak of his mattress barely audible as he flops back onto his bed. He's quiet for a couple moments, then sucks in a long breath. "Are you going fast or slow right now?"

"On the faster side, I guess." Sehun watches the way his hand pumps his cock. "Comes with the territory of regularly trying to beat off while your roommate is right next door. Old habits die hard."

"Slow down." Jongin's clearly amused by the pouty whine he gets in reply. "I want to enjoy this. It's not gonna be as fun if it only takes you a few minutes to finish."

"How dare you!" Sehun says, feigning indignation. "Twenty bucks says I last longer than you."

"Challenge accepted," Jongin laughs. They're both quiet for a minute but for the occasional sharp intake of breath or soft moan until Jongin says, "I have a question."

"Yeah?"

"Well, more of an observation," Jongin clarifies. "I get the sense that you aren't into the dirty talk all that much."

"What makes you say that?" It takes some effort for Sehun to get the words out; maintaining a slow, steady pace is taking up a lot of his concentration.

"I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it. It just seems like you get a little quiet or, like, shocked, I guess, when I get, uh, carried away. I just wanted to say I can tone it down if it weirds you out."

"It doesn't, I promise. I—I really like it, honestly. I just—" Sehun falters. "I don't always know what to say, and I don't think I'm very good at it. But, uh… I can try a little harder, if you want."

"No, no, I'm not trying to guilt trip you or anything." Jongin's breathing comes a little more heavily. "You should just say whatever you're comfortable saying, and if it's nothing, then that's okay, too."

Sehun ponders this for a moment. "Well, I never said what I liked about _you_."

" _Oh._ " Jongin sounds intrigued. "Well, then, please proceed with your— What did you call it? Oh, yeah, your list of my favorable attributes."

"Who said anything about a whole list?" Sehun quips, enjoying the laugh it elicits from Jongin. He closes his eyes and tries to keep a steady hand while he takes a mental inventory of the many, many things he adores about Jongin. "In all seriousness, though… I really like your smile. You're sort of the opposite of how you described me; like, you look stupid hot most of the time, but then you _smile_ , and I just—" He laughs helplessly, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. "Sometimes it's hard to decide whether I want to tear all your clothes off or just, like… I don't know, make out for an entire afternoon? Speaking of which—god, your _mouth_." He actually sighs. "I really wasn't exaggerating that time when I said I could kiss you for hours. And then you had to go and put the image in my head of your lips around my dick and— and your fingers… _fuck_."

Jongin's breathing a little more heavily. "Still thinking about that?"

"Among other things." Sehun bites his lip to muffle a moan. "I just… like it when you touch me. You have nice hands. And you do this thing sometimes, especially when you're drunk or tired or whatever, where it's like you can't keep your hands off me, and it's just… it's such a fucking turn-on." He laughs at himself. "But honestly, who am I kidding? _Everything_ you do is a turn-on. I like everything about you."

"Well, my list seems kind of shallow by comparison now," Jongin says with a self-deprecating laugh.

"I'm not trying to one-up you!" Sehun laughs gently, trying to sound reassuring. "And I'm sure as hell not gonna complain about the fact that you think I'm hot, 'cause I won't lie, that— _ah_ —that makes me feel really, really good."

"So good that you're gonna owe me twenty bucks tomorrow?" Jongin teases.

Sehun cracks up. "Fuck you."

"Gladly." Sehun sucks in a breath at the intensity in Jongin's voice, warmth building in the pit of his stomach. "I think about it all the time. Probably more than I should."

Sehun's hand speeds up of its own volition, clearly no longer invested in winning the bet. "Me too." He hesitates briefly. "Last week, y'know, after Chanyeol's party? I was too nervous about, y'know, the whole taking-it-slow thing to actually do it, but god, the second I saw you in the shower all I could think about was getting on my knees and sucking your dick."

" _Jesus_ ," Jongin whispers with a breath of a laugh. "You're full of surprises. I didn't— I wasn't sure you were even gonna get in with me in the first place, and then after you came you turned around with that _look_ on your face, and for a second I thought—" Sehun's dick throbs, and he moans, feeling like every cell in his body is crying out Jongin's name. Jongin echoes him on the other end of the line, only a little more muffled. "And I couldn't, but god, I wanted to. _Want_ to."

"Jongin," Sehun gasps, his shoulder aching from the rapid movement of his fist. The memory of Jongin grinding frantically against him, his cock sliding between Sehun's cheeks over and over again, his teeth pressing into Sehun's wet skin, is enough to send him over the edge with a rough cry. His back arches as he releases, come trickling over and between his fingers and streaking across his chest.

Jongin's panting on the other end of the line. " _God_ , you sound so fucking hot when you come."

"If you think that's hot, you should see what I look like," Sehun says dryly, exhausted.

Jongin lowers his voice. "Tell me."

"I'll do you one better."

Sehun can't tell whether the warm, jittery feeling flooding his chest is bravery or reckless stupidity (or maybe a little of both), but he goes along with it anyway, pulling the phone away from his ear so he can open the camera app. Carefully angling the lens so the bottom of the frame just barely skims the top of his pubes, he splays his sticky hand out on his chest, tries to make his face look normal, and snaps a photo. He sends it to Jongin before he can overthink it (though he has the presence of mind to triple-check that he's sending it to Jongin and not someone else by mistake) and deletes the picture, then wedges the phone between his ear and shoulder and reaches for the tissues to clean himself up.

"What are you…" Jongin trails off, presumably pulling the phone away from his ear to open the message. It takes Sehun a couple moments to realize he's been holding his breath, his fist clenched around a ball of dirty tissues, and he lets it out in a sigh just as there's a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

"Jongin?" Sehun says in a soft voice after a few moments of silence, his heart pounding. "Are you still there?"

He's answered with a muffled moan and then, much closer to the receiver, a tired laugh. "Holy shit."

"What?" Sehun's lips curl into a smile. "Did you just—"

"Oh yeah." Jongin sounds far too satisfied. "You really are full of surprises."

"Yeah?" Sehun's face feels very warm all of a sudden. He rolls onto his side and lowers his voice. "You— did you like it?"

"Very much," Jongin says with sincerity. "You should send me some more over winter break."

Sehun thinks his ears must be glowing, they're so hot. "Only if you send me some, too."

"Fair enough." Sehun can tell just from the tone of Jongin's voice that he's smiling. "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."

"Me too. Too? Either? I don't remember what word goes with that," Sehun laughs, feeling drunk on pleasure.

"What time does your flight get in?" Jongin asks sleepily.

Sehun sighs. "Not until late; stupid time difference. Plus, my parents bought the cheapest ticket, so I have a two-hour layover in Chicago. Probably won't be home until after eleven."

"It's okay." Jongin yawns. "I can wait up for you."

"You don't have to," Sehun says, although secretly he's pleased by this. "I don't want you to be be exhausted on Monday."

"I'll survive," Jongin says wryly.

"Okay…" Sehun shrugs and lifts his wrist to look at his watch. "Jesus, isn't it almost 1 a.m. there?"

"Yeah," Jongin says, and Sehun swears he can hear him trying to stifle a yawn.

"Go to bed," Sehun says firmly. "You're gonna be up late tomorrow night as it is."

" _Fine_ ," Jongin huffs dramatically, but his tone softens when he adds, "'Night, Sehun. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Mmhmm." Sehun's starting to feel a little drowsy himself. "Love you. Bye."

He ends the call and puts his phone down, clutching a pillow to his chest and rubbing his face against it, but then the last three words that had come out of his mouth are finally relayed into the part of his brain that's not running on autopilot, and his entire body seizes in horror.

_Fuck!_

Sehun grabs his phone to text Jongin, his hands shaking so hard he has to retype the words more than once because even autocorrect can't make sense of what he's trying to say, but before he can hit send, he receives a FaceTime call—and it's from Jongin. Sehun briefly considers tossing his phone out the window and faking his own death, but instead he puts a hand over his eyes and takes the call, his stomach roiling.

"Hi," he whispers, mortified, looking at the screen through a crack between his fingers. Jongin's face is a little fuzzy because of the poor lighting in his room.

"Hey, so, just one question," Jongin says lightly, and Sehun desperately wants to reverse time so he can stuff those stupid words back into his mouth.

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean it?"

Sehun's quiet for a few moments, then drops his hand, his insides quaking. "Is this a trick question?"

Jongin's tone is hard to read. "No, it's not. Just answer me."

Sehun holds his breath for a few seconds, then lets it all out in a sigh, his shoulders sagging. "Yeah, I meant it."

"Okay." Jongin's expression is as inscrutable as his tone. "I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a reflex thing, like when you get off the phone with your grandma or whatever."

"It wasn't." Sehun's heart is hammering in his chest, and suddenly he can't stop talking. "Although I guess it sort of is because I think it _at_ you all the time, but I knew it would make things weird, so you weren't supposed to actually _hear_ it coming out of my stupid mouth—"

" _Sehun_." Jongin's low, forceful voice interrupts his tirade of self-loathing. He sighs. "Okay, I kind of wanted to say this in person, but you are clearly spiraling right now, so FaceTime'll have to do." Jongin sucks on his lower lip for a moment, and when he speaks again, his voice is much softer. "I… love you, too."

Time stops briefly while Sehun wraps his head around this. "You do? Really?" he breathes, feeling lighter than air for all of two seconds before the crushing doubt drags him back to earth. "But isn't it— I don't know, we've only been together for three weeks—"

 _Why are you trying to poke holes in this?!_ , he thinks hysterically at himself.

"Yeah, but I've _known_ you for a lot longer than that," Jongin interrupts him. "You're one of my best friends. Of course I love you."

"But, like… as more than a friend," Sehun says, and it's less of a question than it is a request for clarification.

"I don't know about you, but I don't make a habit of having phone sex with any of my other friends," Jongin says with a wry smile. "So, yeah, I think it's safe to say I love you as more than a friend."

"Don't make fun of me." Sehun frowns at the camera, still trembling slightly. "I just— I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page."

"We are." Jongin's expression looks less cheeky and more sincere now. "I just meant that us being friends is the whole reason I didn't want to rush into this." He gestures vaguely with the hand that isn't holding the phone. "The— the physical stuff, I mean. Like, that's all great and fun and whatnot, but it's way less important than how I feel about you. And I only want that stuff _because_ of how I feel about you, anyway."

Sehun flops back against the pillows, disappearing from view. "Sehun? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Sehun tilts the phone down so Jongin can see him and smiles, albeit a little sheepishly. "I'm just— I'm kind of a dumb hopeless romantic, as embarrassing as that is."

Jongin makes a face. "It's not dumb. You're… sensitive, that's all. I like that about you. Scratch that—I love it."

"I love _you_ ," Sehun sighs, and it feels _so good_ to say it out loud instead of in his head.

"Love you, too." Jongin eyes crinkle up at the corners when he smiles, and Sehun's heart feels like it's going to pop, he's so giddy. "I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?"

Sehun nods, grinning so broadly it makes his face hurt a little. "I'll see you then. 'Night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and here's the chapter i said i'd had done for LITERALLY NINE MONTHS yet i couldn't finish chapter 11 until today. jesus. my brain. how does it work. (hint: it doesn't.) anyway!!! we love boys in love!!! hopefully this update makes up for my poor time management skills last week.
> 
> this chapter's additions to the playlist: "[fior di latte](https://open.spotify.com/track/515JxEyH6dbUMiRAhHAdzX)" by phoenix (gee, are we starting to see a theme here?) and "[help, i'm alive](https://open.spotify.com/track/1z4xjDLLWJgG48Bn8OCxZv)" by metric. "fior di latte" is actually about texting naughty pictures (this picture on your phone could do so much wrong / but we'll take it don't worry / and i know it already / sleeping all alone / i've been craving too long / keep it quiet, go steady / let's rip it up like confetti), so it works perfectly—and it just so happens to be my favorite song on their most recent record, too. and "help, i'm alive" is, like, peak anxiety music (i tremble / they're gonna eat me alive / if i stumble / they're gonna eat me alive / can you hear my heart beating like a hammer? / help, i'm alive / my heart keeps beating like a hammer), so it's basically sehun's theme song (lmao) but in particular it's for when sehun's having his meltdown about accidentally blurting out his Big Dumb Feelings over the phone.
> 
> ANYWAY, i should be back to my regular posting schedule on friday, since the next couple chapters are basically done. ordinarily i'd try to post them sooner, but i need some breathing room because i am WILDLY behind on my chankai fest fic (as i think i've mentioned fifteen times in my author notes over the last month). in the meantime, enjoy these two chapters!!!
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)


	13. november 30, a sunday

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuuuuuuck_ ," Sehun mutters under his breath, teeth chattering as he unloads his luggage from the trunk of the Uber he'd taken home from the airport. He hadn't worn his winter coat the day he left for LA because the weather on Tuesday had been almost balmy for November in New England, but the zip fleece he's wearing doesn't stand up nearly as well to the single-digit temperatures he comes back to after the holiday.

His stiff, cold fingers fumble with the keys, but eventually Sehun makes it inside the house and hauls his duffel bag up the stairs to his apartment. He's just gotten the key into the deadbolt when it unlocks from the other side and the door swings open to reveal Jongin looking very cozy in flannel pajama bottoms and a long-sleeved waffle-knit thermal. His face lights up when he sees Sehun.

Sehun manages to keep his voice at a normal volume even as his heart is trying to fling itself out of his chest. "Hey."

Jongin leans against the doorway, still holding the doorknob. "Hey yourself."

They stand there grinning stupidly at each other for a second, and then Jongin reaches out for the strap of Sehun's duffel, sliding it off of his shoulder and setting it down the beside the doorway before beckoning Sehun inside and closing the door.

Jongin grabs handfuls of Sehun's pullover and playfully shakes him, clucking his tongue. "Jesus, it's like two degrees outside! Why aren't you wearing a real jacket?"

Sehun smiles, tickled by the way Jongin's fussing over him. "What?" he scoffs. "I'm from California; they don't even sell winter coats there." That is patently false, but Sehun handwaves it and moves to pull Jongin in for a hug.

"Not so fast." Jongin stops him with a hand on his chest. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Sehun cocks his head, racking his brain for anything Jongin could possibly be hinting at. "… No?"

Jongin pulls his hand back to rub his fingers together with a smirk. "Where's my twenty bucks?"

"Oh, you know what," Sehun mutters, his face scrunching up in a mixture of annoyance and amusement. He slides his arms around Jongin's waist and slips his cold hands up the back of his shirt, cackling when Jongin yelps and tries to squirm away. Sehun only jerks him closer, rubbing his freezing face against Jongin's cheek before burying it in his neck, pressing his frigid lips to Jongin's warm skin. He laughs when Jongin whines and cringes and blindly attempts to punch him in the kidneys, then pulls back to look at his disgruntled expression, countering it with the brightest smile he can muster. "Who needs a winter coat when I have you to warm me up?"

Jongin's only response to that is an exaggerated roll of his eyes, but he yanks Sehun in for another hug anyway, following it with a kiss that warms Sehun from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. "Welcome back."

"Hi." Sehun is absolutely giddy, leaning in to rub his nose against Jongin's before kissing him again. "I think I'll go unpack and take a nice hot shower."

Jongin makes a face at him. "You could have done that first, but no, you just _had_ to rub your freezing cold body all over me instead."

"Ah, don't worry," Sehun says cheerfully, feeling a little bolder than usual as he leans in to whisper in Jongin's ear, "I'll come rub my toasty warm body all over you in a little bit."

Sehun grins at the mild shock on Jongin's face and leans in for one more long, lazy kiss before he tears himself away to empty out his duffel bag and jump in the shower, staying there until the mirror completely fogs up and his fingers and toes are all wrinkled. After he towels off and brushes his teeth, he changes into his pajamas and wanders out into the living room, where Jongin's sitting on the couch watching TV.

Full of nervous energy, Sehun walks around to the front of the couch, but before Jongin can say anything, he puts one knee on either side of Jongin's thighs and climbs right into his lap. He wordlessly removes Jongin's glasses, folding in the arms before reaching back to put them on the coffee table, then cradles Jongin's face in his hands, pushing him back against the couch cushions to say a proper hello with a deep kiss.

Jongin puts his hands on Sehun's hips and makes a faint little noise of surprise, opening his mouth when Sehun's tongue drags across his plush lower lip. Sehun huffs a little sigh out of his nose when Jongin's hands begin to wander after a couple minutes, sliding up and down the expanse of his thighs. Sehun lets his hands fall from Jongin's face to settle on his chest, and he likes the sounds Jongin makes low in his throat when his fingertips occasionally brush over Jongin's nipples through his shirt.

Sehun can feel himself starting to get hard after a little while, and evidently Jongin can, too, because his hands slide back up Sehun's thighs, but this time he puts one arm around Sehun's waist for leverage and uses the heel of his other hand to rub the growing bulge in Sehun's pajama pants. Sehun sucks in a long breath through his nose and, without interrupting the kiss, casually takes Jongin's hand and places it back on his leg. Jongin's hand stays put for a minute or two, but gradually it sneaks back up to palm the outline of his cock through his pajamas. Once more, Sehun covers Jongin's hand with his own and moves it lower down his thigh. Jongin plays cool for another minute, but when his hand starts to migrate upward again, Sehun wraps a hand around his wrist and has to stop kissing Jongin because he starts laughing.

"Oh my god," Sehun gasps, resting his forehead against Jongin's shoulder and sucking in big gulps of air. "You think you're real sneaky, huh?"

"What is with you tonight?" Jongin turns his head to glance at Sehun. "You're being very… I don't know… _silly_." He hesitates. "Is everything okay? Do you not want to… ?"

"What? Oh, no, no, I do," Sehun says earnestly, straightening up and winding his arms around Jongin's shoulders. "I just had something a little different in mind, that's all."

Jongin arches an eyebrow, looking equal parts curious and suspicious. "Like what?"

"How about you let me worry about that?" Sehun says, briefly touching his lips to Jongin's again before kissing along his jawline and down his neck. Sehun trails his left hand down Jongin's chest and rotates his wrist so he can reach down and drag his palm across Jongin's stiffening cock, smiling into his skin.

Jongin's breathing starts to become slightly uneven as Sehun continues to rub at him through his sweatpants. "How come you get to do that but I don't?"

Sehun lifts his face so his lips are near Jongin's ear. "Are you seriously complaining about me touching your dick right now?" Jongin swallows and shakes his head, and Sehun flicks out at his earlobe with the tip of his tongue. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

He returns to kissing Jongin's neck, sucking gently on little patches of skin here and there, and begins to slip his hand underneath the waistband of Jongin's sweats, but he realizes the angle isn't really going to work.

He lifts his head and pulls his hand out of Jongin's pants. "Hang on a second."

Sitting up on his knees, he uses Jongin's shoulders for support and shifts one leg back until he can put his foot on the floor, and does the same with the other, standing up.

Jongin raises an eyebrow. "Where are you going?"

" _Nowhere_ ," Sehun laughs, mildly exasperated. He nudges the coffee table leg back with one foot, then kneels in front of the couch, sitting back on his heels.

"What are you doing?" Both of Jongin's eyebrows arch toward his hairline in surprise.

Sehun just stares at him. "What does it look like I'm doing? Take your pants off."

Jongin's mouth drops open. For a second, Sehun thinks Jongin might try to talk him out of it, but then he just nods and says, "Okay," lifting his hips off the couch so he can push his pants and boxers down to his knees. He spreads his legs as much as he can and slouches down in his seat.

Sehun scoots closer and makes a show of blowing on his hands and rubbing them together before he puts them on Jongin's thighs with a sly smile. "That warm enough for you?"

Jongin fixes him with a deadpan look, and Sehun grins. Jongin's probably right; he is being a little silly tonight. Sehun chalks it up to nerves and possibly mild hypoxia from being thirty-five thousand feet in the air for half of the day, but he's sure part of the reason he's a little slaphappy is because winding up Jongin—Jongin, who always seems so self-assured and confident and in control of every situation—is kind of fun.

Sehun runs his hands up Jongin's thighs, splaying the fingers of his left hand out against his tan skin while his right hand curls around the base of Jongin's cock. He tries to remember how he'd held it in the shower, firmly but not too tightly, and once he thinks his grip is right he pulls up on it, twisting his hand when he reaches the head and plunging back down again. He hears Jongin gasp and glances up, still working his hand up and down. Jongin's eyes are closed and he's sucked his lower lip between his teeth, and Sehun is struck for what must be the thousandth time by how very handsome he is.

But before he's pulled into the vortex that is Jongin's beautiful face, he returns to the task at hand. Having never sucked a dick before now, Sehun summons to the front of his mind all of the tips he'd found online over the past few weeks and tries to recall the things he liked about the only blowjob he's ever gotten. He rises up on his knees and surveys the scene before him as he tries to work up some saliva, stroking Jongin's cock all the while. After puzzling out what he thinks will be the most comfortable way to do this, Sehun gets as close to the couch as he can, drapes his upper body over Jongin's lap, and silently prays he doesn't fuck up before he takes the head of Jongin's cock in his mouth.

The moan he gets in response makes him feel almost dizzy with lust, and he sucks in a long breath through his nose as little by little he takes Jongin deeper into his mouth. Once he gets a sense of how far down he can go without feeling like he's going to gag, he tentatively begins to bob his head, using his hand to stroke what isn't covered by his mouth and taking care to keep his teeth out of the way.

Jongin's hands sink into his hair, and Sehun responds with a moan of his own, muffled though it is by the dick in his mouth. Jongin doesn't try to push his head down or rock up into his mouth; he just gently holds onto him, dragging his fingertips against Sehun's scalp in a way that makes little noises come out of his throat unbidden. His dick throbs and he starts to rub himself against the front of the couch as he sucks Jongin off.

Jongin gasps his name when Sehun curls his tongue over the head of Jongin's dick, and even though his jaw is beginning to ache at this point, he presses onward because it's both gratifying and arousing to know that he's the one coaxing these reactions from Jongin. Jongin's grip on Sehun's hair tightens enough for him to notice but not quite enough that it hurts, so Sehun continues to focus on the head of his cock, rubbing the flat of his tongue back and forth along the underside as he rocks his hips into the couch and sneaks his free hand under Jongin's shirt and up his ribs to flick a nipple back and forth with his thumb.

Jongin swears under his breath and runs his right hand up and down Sehun's arm over his shirt, his breathing becoming more and more labored until finally he's panting. "Sehun," he says with difficulty, sliding his hand down the back of Sehun's neck. "Sehun, I'm gonna come."

Sehun ruts even harder against the front of the couch and moans around Jongin's cock, eliciting a pained laugh. Jongin squeezes the hand underneath his shirt and gasps, "Stopstopstop!"

Sehun reluctantly releases Jongin's cock with a little popping sound, pulls his hand out from under his shirt, and sits back on his heels, looking up at Jongin with a little pout on his face. "Why?"

"Because…" Jongin looks uncomfortable. He sighs, sagging into the couch cushions. "I don't know. You've never done this before and I just— I feel weird about finishing like that."

Sehun is oddly touched by this sentiment; if he didn't already know Jongin was a good guy, this would be an obvious tell. He leans his head against Jongin's knee with a forlorn expression. "But what if I want you to?"

" _Sehun_ …" Jongin groans and lets his head fall back against the couch for a moment, then cracks one eye open to look down at Sehun with a combination of exasperation and amusement. "That is a very tempting proposition, but… raincheck?"

Sehun pouts at him for a moment, then straightens up with a little sigh. "Okay," he says, wrapping his hand around Jongin's cock again and resuming the rhythm he'd been stroking it to. Just jerking it seems kind of anticlimactic, though, so he casts around for something else to do and alights on one thing that both the internet and personal experience have told him feels pretty good. Sliding his free hand into his pajama pants to rub at his own aching cock, Sehun angles Jongin's dick away from his face and bows his head to suck one of Jongin's balls into his mouth.

" _Ohhhh_ my god." Jongin's voice pitches up a note or two, and he flails for something, anything to grab onto. He settles for gripping one of the couch cushions with his left hand and digging his right hand into Sehun's hair again. "Faster, Sehun, _please_."

Sehun does as he's told, swirling his tongue around the ball in his mouth as he pumps his hand up and down Jongin's length as quickly as he can. A few seconds later, Jongin cries out, his hand tightening in Sehun's hair, and his cock twitches in Sehun's hand before his release spills over his fingers. Sehun lets Jongin's sack slip out of his mouth, but not before a little come drips off of his hand and onto his nose and cheek. Sehun is a little surprised at how amused and aroused he is by this.

Jongin doesn't seem to share these feelings. He grimaces when he opens his eyes and gets a good look at Sehun's face. "Ugh, I'm sorry."

He reaches forward to swipe off the mess with his thumb, but Sehun dodges and very pointedly wipes it away himself before he slides his index finger into his mouth, making eye contact as he swirls his tongue around to suck the come off of his skin. It's not exactly the best thing Sehun's ever tasted, but the hungry look in Jongin's eyes when he starts to lap at the splatters on the back of his hand sure makes it worth the effort.

Jongin jerks his head in Sehun's direction and lifts his hips so he can tug his boxers and sweatpants back up. "Move."

His insides practically buzzing with anticipation, Sehun shifts so he's sitting rather than kneeling and pushes himself back with his hands, shoving the coffee table off to the side as Jongin slides off the couch and crawls between his legs. Sehun bends his knees so Jongin can get close enough for Sehun to curl his hand around the back of Jongin's neck to drag him in for a kiss, slowly leaning back and pulling Jongin down with him. The weight of Jongin's body atop his own floods his insides with a feeling he can't quite describe—something more primal than pleasure, anticipation, or desire. Jongin relaxes into him for a couple moments, but then he breaks away with a laugh and sits back on his heels.

" _Jesus_ , you're hard. I'm surprised that thing hasn't ripped a hole in your pajamas already." He touches his stomach and smirks. "I'm going to have to check for bruises in the morning."

"Yeah, about that…" Sehun pulls a face at him. "You wanna maybe, like, I don't know, _do something about it?_ "

"You're gonna have to ask a little more nicely than that," Jongin whispers in his ear, sending a little shiver down Sehun's spine.

Sehun closes his eyes and sighs with exaggerated weariness when Jongin sits back, but then he schools his features into a sweet smile. "Please? It was all I could think about last night when I was trying to fall asleep." He bites his lip and looks away for a moment, feeling his face grow warm. "I jerked off again, but only after I laid on my arm until it went numb. Kinda made it easier to believe it was your hand instead of mine."

Jongin stares at him for a moment, dazed, as if reconstructing the image in his mind, but then he swoops in to kiss Sehun deeply, making a soft noise in the back of his throat. He begins to slide off of Sehun, lying just beside him, one leg tangled with Sehun's, and only then does he pull back from the kiss.

"I know you think you're bad at dirty talk, or whatever you wanna call it," Jongin says, tugging the hem of Sehun's shirt upward until Sehun gets the hint and arches his back off the carpet so he can yank it up and out of the way, "but I think you're selling yourself short."

"Really?" Sehun lifts an eyebrow, skeptical, and squirms a little from ticklishness when Jongin's fingertips slip under the waistband of his pajamas.

Jongin nods. "I figured it out when I was waiting for you to get home. You're kind of a tease. Not in the blue balls kind of way, but like—" He sucks his lower lip into his mouth, looking for the right words. "You're less… explicit, I guess? I know that's partially because you're kinda shy, but I don't think it's a bad thing, either way."

"Why is that?" Sehun lifts his hips to shimmy out of his pants and underwear just enough that Jongin can pull his dick out.

"It leaves more to the imagination." Jongin fixes Sehun with a heated look as he begins to jerk him off. "Like that picture you sent me last night."

Sehun can hardly tell what he's talking about, not when he's this hard and this close to the blessed relief of orgasm. He racks his brain for a few moments and remembers the selfie he'd sent Jongin. "What about it?"

"A lot of guys probably would have just sent a grainy dick pic." Jongin's hand moves rhythmically up and down Sehun's cock as he bows his head to kiss his way up Sehun's chest. "I don't know about you, but that doesn't really do it for me."

Sehun closes his eyes and luxuriates in the bliss of Jongin's touches and kisses. "I mean, I can't speak from personal experience, but I get what you're saying."

"Anyway, what was hot about that picture was the _implication_." Jongin's lowers his voice, and Sehun doesn't think he'll ever get over how _sexy_ he sounds like this. "There wasn't anything, y'know, X-rated in it, but you could draw your own conclusions about what had just transpired." His face hovers just over Sehun's heart, and he glances up through his eyelashes. "I mean, I already knew because I was on the phone with you when it happened, but _seeing_ you like that…" Jongin turns his head to drag his tongue over a nipple, and Sehun moans. "It got the job done, I'll say that much."

Sehun laughs and sinks a hand into Jongin's hair, arching his back toward his mouth. "You should write a book. _The Thinking_ — _ah_ , god, that feels so good— _The Thinking Man's Guide to Sexting_ , or something."

Jongin, alternating between licking and sucking Sehun's nipple and gently catching it between his teeth while he strokes Sehun's cock, snorts. "Honestly, I think it would end up being one chapter of actual advice followed by two hundred pages of this one line repeated over and over in seventy-two-point bold font: 'Don't send unsolicited dick pics.'"

"I'd be too afraid my phone would get hacked to even send a solicited one." The breathy laugh that comes out of Sehun's mouth almost immediately tapers off into a moan, and his grip on Jongin's hair tightens. "I was so nervous about the photo I sent you that I deleted it right after I texted you."

Jongin tilts his head so he can kiss Sehun's neck as he increases the pace of his strokes. "Do you want me to delete it?"

"No, no, it's fine." The words come haltingly as Sehun barely resists the urge to buck his hips up into the tight circle of Jongin's fist. He turns his head to rub his face against Jongin's hair, smiling to himself. "Just don't— _nnngh_ — don't let anyone look through your camera roll."

Jongin lifts his head, bracing himself with his elbow so he can cradle the back of Sehun's head with his free hand before lowering his face to kiss him properly. Sehun breaks away before long, panting and moaning against Jongin's parted lips when Jongin starts to jerk him even faster. His orgasm hits him so quickly that he can only choke out the words "Jongin, I'm—" before he rolls his hips up into Jongin's hand with a shudder, painting his own chest with streaks of white as that wave of delicious warmth crashes over him.

Jongin kisses him again, teasing him with little flicks of his tongue and gradually slowing the movement of his hand until the both of them are still. He releases Sehun and rests his hand on the soft skin of his hip, nuzzling his collarbone, their legs still tangled together.

"Jesus." Sehun presses his face into Jongin's hair with an exhausted laugh. "All of a sudden I feel like I've been hit by a bus."

"Me too." Jongin sounds drowsy. "I'm so fucking tired."

Sehun reaches down to gingerly tuck himself back into his pants, or at least under the waistband as much as possible, and then repositions himself so he can wrap one arm around Jongin's shoulders and drape the other around his waist, pulling him close and closing his eyes. "Thanks for waiting up for me."

Jongin tilts his head to press a kiss against the center of Sehun's chest, just over his heart, and Sehun's body doesn't feel big enough to contain the rush of emotion the gesture elicits. He thinks he must have dozed off after that, though, because the next thing he knows, Jongin is kissing his neck and gently shaking his shoulder. "Sehun? Hey, c'mon, let's clean up and go to bed."

Sehun grumbles in both acknowledgment and protest and unwinds his arms from Jongin's body so he can sit up, making a face when he realizes there is spunk congealing on his chest. He tugs his shirt down anyway. "Wet wipes," he says drowsily.

Jongin pushes himself off the ground and looks down at Sehun with a puzzled expression as he offers him a hand. "Huh?"

Sehun takes it and hauls himself up, looping his arms around Jongin's shoulders from behind and letting him lead the way to the bathroom. "I gotta order some tomorrow," he says, resting his chin on Jongin's shoulder. "Makes cleaning up easier. We're messy as fuck."

Jongin laughs as he pushes the bathroom door open and flicks on the light. "Yeah, girls kind of have a leg up on us there." He gently extracts himself from Sehun's hold so he can grab a couple of washcloths from the cabinet underneath the sink and run them under warm water before offering one to Sehun.

Sehun leans against the doorway, suddenly hit by a pang of jealousy mingled with curiosity. He looks at Jongin in the mirror as he wipes his hands and reaches underneath his shirt to clean up the mess on his chest. "Do you ever, like… miss girls at all?" he asks, too tired to think better of it.

Jongin glances up at Sehun's reflection, then turns his head to actually look him in the eye. "It's not… it doesn't really work like that." He glances down as he slips a hand under his sweatpants to tidy himself up. "Like, yeah, there are things I like about them, but I don't sit around thinking wistfully about tits or whatever. I mean, I have more _options_ than the general population, I guess, but I don't go looking for one gender over another. I just… fall in love with whoever I happen to fall in love with." He glances up at Sehun's reflection again. "And that person has my full and undivided attention."

"Okay." Sehun's face feels hot, suddenly, and he worries that he's offended Jongin. He edges forward to rinse and wring out the cloth, then washes his hands. "I don't— I didn't mean—"

"I know." Jongin rinses his own washcloth under the faucet while Sehun hangs his over the towel rack and dries his hands. "But we haven't really talked about it before now, so… I just wanted to, y'know, lay my cards on the table."

Sehun nods and waits until Jongin's dried his hands to shuffle forward and draw him into a hug. "Just in case it wasn't totally obvious before now," he says softly, feeling the prickle of goosebumps under his shirt when Jongin's arms slide around his waist, "I have literally no fucking clue what I'm doing."

"I mean, I don't always know what I'm doing, either." Jongin rests his forehead against Sehun's. "But we'll muddle through somehow, right?"

"Yeah." Sehun's eyes are closed, but he smiles to himself and tilts his head to kiss Jongin, sweet and slow, mumbling "I love you" into the corner of his mouth.

"I love you, too," Jongin murmurs, punctuating the declaration with another kiss as he flicks off the light and walks Sehun backwards out of the bathroom. Sehun melts into him, his heart full to bursting. "Let's go to bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so, look—from here on out, it's basically can't-stop-touching-each-other hours with these two, plus some, like... normal stuff. you know, feelings and crap. my usual offerings. just wanted to warn y'all we're really starting to earn that explicit rating here!!!
> 
> anyway... i wrote the bulk of this chapter last july and have edited it here and there since then, but i feel even more confident about certain aspect of the characterization after watching sehun act like a giggly troll child on EXO's ladder for the last several weeks. honestly, i think the opening scene of this chapter (before sehun goes to shower and change) might be my favorite of the whole damn story besides when sekai kiss for the first time back in chapter 6, lmao.
> 
> i would have posted this way earlier this morning but i was seriously struggling to think of a song or two to stick on the playlist for this chapter. i don't have anything that's well suited to blowjobs, i guess, lmfao. but in terms of your garden variety head-over-heels love songs, i threw "[i want you so bad i can't breathe](https://open.spotify.com/track/6c5zXGG8Zbh3KZjE6Fd3UN)" by OK go and "[so good](https://open.spotify.com/track/0W9HGC75wwxU4YweY045ln)" by red velvet on there.
> 
> we are officially two-thirds of the way done with this story. damn, dude. i've written most of the remaining story; just have some gaps to fill in a couple of chapters and i need to finish the final chapter. should still be ending on chapter 19, so we've got six weeks left. (i think that coincides with the end of my semester of korean classes, funny enough.) thanks again to everyone who's been reading and commenting so far—it was really nice to hear from so many people after missing a week of posting.
> 
> anyway: happy almost-april!! get hype for jongdae's solo debut!!! ballads bore me to tears, but i love that tiny man to death and i'll support him in whatever he does 'cause he's the friggin' [sunshine](https://imgur.com/3vXbp24.gif) [of](https://imgur.com/5JIhKAN.gif) [my](https://imgur.com/lXwWjBd.gif) [life](https://imgur.com/SAHseWm.gif). (sorry all of my gifs are of rookie jongdae, i'm old!! it's what i have saved on my hard drive!!!)


	14. december 1, a monday

In spite of his exhaustion, Sehun wakes up a full hour before his alarm goes off on Monday morning. Repressing a groan, he rolls onto his other side, trying to shift the bed as little as possible so as not to disturb Jongin, whose arm is still draped over Sehun's waist.

Sehun smiles fondly to himself at the sight of Jongin snoozing beside him, his dark eyelashes fanned out against his cheeks. His hair is sticking out in about five different directions and his mouth is hanging slightly open, but even with sleep-matted hair and morning breath, he's still the most beautiful person Sehun's ever laid eyes on. It's hard to suppress his bone-deep desire to kiss Jongin, to drag his fingertips over the softness of his cheek, but he settles for cuddling close to him, tucking his head beneath Jongin's chin, face pressed against his thermal. His hand settles on Jongin's side, slowly rubbing back and forth between his hip and waist, and for a moment Sehun thinks he might fall asleep again, the rhythmic movement of his hand seemingly doing more to soothe himself than Jongin, but then Jongin stirs, his hand fisting in the comforter briefly before sliding up to rest against the center of Sehun's back.

With a slightly guilty look on his face, Sehun tips his head back to look at Jongin, who glances down at him with a sleepy smile and traces little circles over Sehun's back with his fingertips. "'Morning," Jongin whispers.

Sehun bites his lip. "Sorry," he says, his voice dry and creaky, and he stops to clear his throat before continuing. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Jongin shrugs, his own voice similarly raspy. "It's fine. What time is it?"

"Just before seven." Sehun nudges one of Jongin's knees aside with his own and tangles their legs together. "Woke up earlier than I meant to."

Jongin hooks his ankle around Sehun's calf and yawns. "Sleep okay otherwise, though?"

"Mmm." Sehun nods, curling a hand around Jongin's upper arm. "Sometimes jet lag makes me wake up early. Still kinda tired, honestly," he says, pausing to yawn, "but I gotta get out of bed at eight and I didn't want to fall back asleep or else I'd feel even more groggy."

"You should just sleep in and stay here with me until lunchtime." Jongin yawns again and winds his arms around Sehun, pulling him closer.

"Yeah, well, not all of us had the foresight to avoid signing up for Monday morning classes," Sehun says with a wry smile, all too happy to let Jongin hold him like this.

"But it's too cold to go anywhere," Jongin protests, rubbing the tip of his nose against Sehun's. "And you're too cute to freeze to death."

Sehun lowers his voice, the corners of his mouth twitching with amusement. "How is it that you're able to go from being dead to the world to flirting in less than a minute?"

"Easy." The corners of Jongin's eyes crinkle with mirth. "I woke up next to a really cute guy."

With a roll of his eyes and a tiny smile, Sehun shakes his head. "Lame. So lame."

"I thought you liked being blatantly pandered to," Jongin teases, leaning in to press his lips to Sehun's throat.

"You got me there." Sehun tilts his head back with a little sigh and sifts his fingers through Jongin's messy hair as Jongin's tongue sneaks out to lap at his pulse point. Sehun's hand tenses around the strands when he feels light suction against his neck. "If you leave a mark there, I will end you."

Jongin detaches from Sehun's neck to flash him an impish grin. "What, not a fan of the turtleneck look?"

Sehun merely lifts an eyebrow, relaxing his grip on Jongin's hair. "Is anyone?"

"I'll take that as a no." Jongin leaves a trail of soft, slow kisses up the length of Sehun's neck, making Sehun's legs tingle with anticipation. The hand on Sehun's back slides down his spine until Jongin's fingertips are touching the waistband of his pajama pants, and Sehun can feel his cock straining against the confines of his underwear.

"Go on," Sehun says, the warmth of arousal smoldering deep inside of him, and Jongin's hand slips beneath both his pajamas and underwear to clutch his ass greedily as he sucks Sehun's earlobe into his mouth. Sehun gasps, teeth sinking into his lower lip to muffle a moan. "Should I just take them off?"

Jongin sucks in a long breath and releases Sehun's earlobe from between his teeth. "Yes," he whispers, his lips hovering over Sehun's ear in a way that sends a little shiver down his spine. "If you want to." He nudges Sehun's cheek with his nose, sighing softly when Sehun turns to kiss him. "Mind if I join you?"

Sehun shakes his head, stomach squirming pleasantly.

Jongin withdraws his hand (though not without giving Sehun's ass a squeeze and sending him into a fit of laughter) and edges away so both of them can divest themselves of their pajamas and underwear. Thinking it's a little silly to be wearing a shirt and no pants, Sehun sits up to pull his T-shirt over his head, too, and drops it on the floor.

Next to him, Jongin wolf-whistles softly, and Sehun whips his head around, eyebrows slanting into a frown. He can't help but crack a smile, however, when Jongin grins and reaches up to tug on the crook of his arm. "C'mere."

Sehun slides back under the covers and rolls onto his side, the desire thrumming in his veins tempered somewhat by the sudden sensation of butterflies in his stomach. Being naked in the shower together is one thing, he thinks, but being naked in bed together is fraught with a great deal more meaning, even though there's no way they're actually going to have sex right now. He tries to keep his nerves from showing on his face, but masking his emotions was never his strong suit.

"Hey." Jongin's low, gentle voice breaks Sehun out of his reverie. He gropes his way down Sehun's arm until he finds his hand and gives it a squeeze. "Everything okay in there?"

"I'm fine, I was just—" Sehun's face is so hot he thinks his cheeks might actually be glowing. "Sorry. I don't know. This is just… new, that's all."

Jongin nods in understanding, rubbing Sehun's forearm. "We don't have to do anything if you're not feeling it."

"No, no, it's not that," Sehun says, and he squeezes his eyes shut, frustrated because he's telling the truth and yet he can't quite kick the feeling that there's something to be afraid of, despite all evidence to the contrary. He grits his teeth and lets out a snarl directed at himself. "It's— it's— _ugh_ , I don't know what it is. All I know is that this brain is defective and I want a refund."

Sehun opens his eyes to see Jongin looking at him with what seems like apprehension, which somehow makes him feel worse than his nerves did in the first place. He briefly contemplates just laying it all out, like Jongdae had suggested, but that seems like a conversation that should probably be had with clothes on, and there's some unfinished business to take care of right now.

"I'm okay," Sehun says, suddenly in dire need of a cuddle. He scoots closer to Jongin with a sigh, head falling against his shoulder. "It's just— _god_ , if analyzing the shit out of everything were an Olympic event, I'd have more medals than Michael Phelps."

With a soft, sympathetic noise, Jongin reaches down to hold Sehun's hand again. "Need a distraction?"

Curiosity helps to dull the fluttering in Sehun's chest. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well…" Jongin lowers his voice with a conspiratorial smile. "You were so generous last night, I thought I would return the favor."

It takes a moment for Sehun to catch on. " _Oh_ ," he says faintly when he sees the significant look on Jongin's face. The mischievous tilt to his smile begs to be kissed away, and Sehun obliges, morning breath be damned. "Yes, please," he whispers, rolling onto his back and taking Jongin with him. He cups Jongin's face in both hands as they kiss, fingertips tracing the shape of each ear and curling around the back of his neck. Jongin shifts on top of him, sliding a knee between Sehun's thighs, and Sehun feels a rush of heat somewhere behind his navel when Jongin's cock rubs up against his hip and his warm weight presses against Sehun's chest.

"Just to be perfectly clear," Jongin murmurs between kisses, "I'm saying I'm gonna suck your dick."

"Yeah, I got that," Sehun says with a breath of a laugh, grinning so hard it makes his face hurt a little. "But thanks for the clarification."

Jongin runs a hand up and down Sehun's ribs, and Sehun can feel himself growing harder when Jongin's hand pauses, the pad of his thumb circling around and over one of Sehun's nipples. Jongin teases him at the same time, pulling back from the kiss for a moment, bowing his head again as if to continue, then edging away at the last moment so Sehun has to chase his lips.

"Stop that," Sehun whines after a few minutes of this, unable to stop himself from laughing as his head flops back onto the pillow. "Kiss me like a normal person, you tease."

"Oh, so I'm a tease now?" Jongin leans in to press his lips to Sehun's once more before he shifts again, opting to straddle Sehun's thighs. He looks thoroughly pleased with himself when he catches the reaction to his new position, a combination of unbridled lust, anticipation, and curiosity writ large on Sehun's face.

Much to his chagrin, Sehun can tell he's blushing by the way his face heats up when Jongin sits back and glances down at Sehun's erection for a moment before meeting his eyes with a cheeky grin. "Looks like my evil plan is working."

Sehun wonders if Jongin's playfulness is intentional, meant to put Sehun at ease, or if he's just giddy from not getting enough sleep, but Sehun decides it doesn't really matter; Jongin's lightheartedness relieves the tension in Sehun's limbs and blots out enough of his anxiety that he can focus on the matter at hand.

Ironically enough, Jongin interrupts this train of thought, his hand hovering tentatively near Sehun's cock. "Can I… ?"

Sehun looks up, eyes locking briefly on Jongin's mouth before meeting his gaze and nodding. With that, Jongin wraps his hand around Sehun's erection, his fist moving up and down in long, slow strokes that make Sehun itch for more. Jongin runs his thumb over the head on each upstroke, occasionally rubbing the pad of his thumb against the slit.

A sharp intake of breath from Sehun has Jongin looking up at him through his eyelashes and messy hair, his lower lip pulled between his teeth, and that image alone is so erotic that Sehun finally understands what Yixing meant about wishing he had a photographic memory. It is also alluring enough that Sehun's not entirely sure how much longer he's going to last, so he reaches out to wrap his fingers around Jongin's wrist, stopping his movement.

Jongin looks up. "Everything okay?"

"So good." Sehun closes his eyes with a sigh and withdraws his hand. "But I'm gonna come if you keep that up much longer."

"Gotcha." Jongin releases his cock and pauses for a few moments. "Here, can you… ?"

Sehun cracks one eye open to see Jongin easing off of him, and grins crookedly. "What? Spread 'em?"

Jongin laughs and scratches the back of his neck, looking a little sheepish. "Yeah, pretty much."

Sehun rearranges himself so Jongin has room to kneel between his legs and watches as Jongin studies his dick like he's trying to do calculus in his head. "What?"

Jongin looks up quickly. "I'm just trying to figure out the best way to go about this."

"Wait a second." Sehun sits up on his elbows and raises an eyebrow at Jongin. "Have you never done this before?"

Jongin's face scrunches up, and that sheepish smile returns. "Is it that obvious?"

"Jongin." Sehun merely cocks his head as if to say _duh_ and settles back down against the mattress, then beckons Jongin closer, his expression softening. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know," Jongin says, drawing out the last word on a self-pitying laugh. He covers his face with his hands for a moment before dropping them in his lap and crawling forward to lower himself onto Sehun's chest. "Maybe because you seemed a little, like, unsure of yourself when all of this started? So I guess I was like, 'All right, someone's gotta keep the wheels from falling off of this thing.' I mean, 'fake it 'til you make it' is basically my life's motto anyway."

"Oh my _god_ ," Sehun laughs, partially in sympathy and partially at himself. "All this time I've been following your lead, thinking you knew what you were doing. My life is a lie!"

"Shut up," Jongin whines. He makes a face and taps Sehun's arm with one fist. "I know what I'm doing most of the time. I'm just… starting to feel a little out of my element."

"What do you mean?" Sehun makes an effort to sound blasé, even though he immediately begins to catastrophize about the meaning of Jongin's words.

"Like, all of my, uh, encounters with guys before you—and I can count them on one hand—never went much further than the occasional handjob." Jongin's voice grows quieter, and his face looks a little flushed. "You're the only guy I've ever actually, like… caught feelings for, I guess?"

The alarm bells going off in Sehun's head mere seconds ago are suddenly silenced, and for a moment he's struck dumb by emotional whiplash, having gone from barely concealing his panic to being overwhelmed with affection in the blink of an eye.

He's the only boy Jongin's ever loved.

Sehun's eyes prickle uncomfortably, but it's oddly pleasant at the same time because, for once, he's overwhelmed in a good way: of all the people Jongin could have possibly fallen for, he chose Sehun.

Sehun doesn't think he's ever felt so special.

"Jongin," he says softly, hoping his tone conveys the affection he feels in this moment. He lifts a hand to pet Jongin's hair and glances up at the ceiling, blinking a few times to clear his vision. "That's… god, it's really nice to hear you say that." Feeling a tear start to fall past the outer corner of his left eye, he swipes it away with his thumb.

"Hey, look at me," Jongin says kindly, and Sehun blinks a few more times before angling his head so Jongin can see his face. "You okay?"

"M'fine," Sehun says a little thickly, laughing at himself. "Sorry, don't mind me, I'm just being a sentimental dumbass, as usual. I'm not— I'm not so good at the 'fake it 'til you make it' thing, obviously."

"I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. You're not a dumbass, and you can't help how you feel about stuff." Jongin shifts himself again so he can kiss Sehun properly. "And as for faking it or whatever, you don't have to be good at it. Not around me, anyway."

Sehun loops his arms around Jongin's neck and lifts an eyebrow, a little smile on his face. "Same goes for you, y'know. I'm not gonna be mad if you're not, like, ready for certain things. This is all new for me, too, remember?"

Jongin nods and leans in for another brief kiss. "Look, it's not that I'm uncomfortable or that I don't want to—believe me, I _really_ do. I think I just psyched myself out a little, that's all."

"Story of my life." Sehun smiles and rolls his eyes. "Wanna give it another go?"

"Mmhmm." Jongin kisses him once more and pushes himself up, carefully easing himself between Sehun's knees again. Kneeling, he wraps a hand around Sehun's flagging erection and strokes him a few times before bending forward and taking just the head into his mouth. His tongue presses against the underside and slowly moves from side to side as his hand continues to stroke, thumb and fingers forming a tight circle around the shaft.

Sehun relaxes against the mattress with a shuddering sigh and reaches out a hand to pet Jongin's hair. "You okay?" he asks, looking at Jongin through half-lidded eyes.

Jongin glances up at him with a mouthful of cock and flashes a thumbs-up with his free hand, making Sehun laugh even as the sight of Jongin's gorgeous lips wrapped around his dick sends a rush of heat southward. Jongin's hand drops back down, and Sehun's laugh is cut off by a soft gasp as Jongin cups his balls in the palm of his hand, his thumb rubbing back and forth across the velvety skin.

Little by little, Jongin sinks further down as he tests his limits, enveloping Sehun's cock in the delicious heat of his mouth at an almost torturously slow pace, making Sehun fidget and tremble beneath him. A moan of relief passes his lips when Jongin finally begins to move, his spit-slick lips drawing back around the head again as the tip of his tongue flicks against the slit, then sliding back down in tandem with his hand.

"Mmm _god_ , that feels incredible." Sehun fights the urge to lift his hips off the bed and thrust into Jongin's perfect mouth. He wishes this image could be inked on the inside of his eyelids for all time, and yet he hardly dares to blink. "You— _fuck_ , you don't know how good you look right now." He strokes the back of Jongin's neck. "So good."

It doesn't take long for Sehun to feel that familiar warmth in his groin, the little jolts of pleasure beginning to coalesce into something more intense with every heated glance Jongin sends him. He gropes for Jongin's wrist, panting. "Jongin, I'm gonna come."

Jongin swirls his tongue over the head once more before he draws back, his hand taking over for his mouth. He loops one arm under Sehun's knee and clutches the upper part of his thigh for leverage as he tilts his head to press his lips to the softness of Sehun's inner thigh, gently at first and then harder, sucking a mark into the thin skin as he jerks Sehun to completion.

Sehun hisses at the brief stinging sensation, but the combination of Jongin's tongue lapping at the little pink blotch and his hand's quick, rhythmic strokes have Sehun pulsing, once, twice in Jongin's fist before he releases with a cry, come splattering onto his chest and dripping down the back of Jongin's hand.

Jongin sits up and surveys his work, wiping spit from his chin with the back of his clean hand. "Pictures don't do this justice at all," he says decisively, dragging a finger through the mess on Sehun's stomach as though connecting the dots.

Sehun squirms when Jongin hits a ticklish spot, and the tops of his ears heat up at the compliment. "I see you left a token of your appreciation," he drawls, bending his knee and pulling his leg in toward his body to check out the mark.

"Only where I can see it." Jongin grins wickedly and moves to sit beside him on the bed. "Unless you plan on wearing a speedo around in the dead of winter."

"Smartass." Sehun extends his hand to grab a few tissues off the nightstand, doing Jongin the courtesy of wiping himself off before clambering into his lap and wrapping a hand around his erection.

Jongin grabs at Sehun's waist, startled by his touch, but soon he relaxes against the headboard and lets his eyes sink shut, his mouth hanging slightly open. "Are you angry?" he asks, biting his lip.

"Of course not." _As if I could ever_ actually _be mad at you._ "But what's that saying? 'Turnabout is fair play'?" He tilts his head and grazes his teeth against Jongin's throat as though trying to take a bite out of his windpipe, smiling to himself when Jongin laughs.

Jongin's hands wander past Sehun's waist to grope his ass. "I'm not above wearing a little concealer."

"One day, you're going to wish you hadn't told me that," Sehun murmurs in his ear, chuckling, and Jongin shivers beneath him, nudging Sehun's cheek with his nose until he turns to catch Jongin's lips.

Their mouths move slowly in contrast to the rapid movement of Sehun's hand, and soon Jongin comes with a moan rumbling in the back of his throat, Sehun working him through it until Jongin's cock begins to soften in his hand.

Sehun allows himself a few more lazy kisses before easing himself off of Jongin and sliding off the bed, wincing at the stiffness in his legs and hips as he bends down to pick up his clothes.

He straightens to find Jongin looking at him with disappointment, his lower lip sticking out slightly. "You're getting up?"

Sehun steps into his underwear and smiles fondly at Jongin. "No, you big baby."

"Takes one to know one."

Sehun pulls a face. "I'm just going to the bathroom," he laughs, reaching out to hold Jongin's face in his hands as he ducks in to kiss him hard on the forehead. "I'll be right back."

Sehun takes a few minutes to relieve himself and wash away the tight, dry film of come covering his chest and hands. He brushes his teeth for good measure, appraising his reflection in the mirror as he scrubs the backs of his molars. There are bags under his eyes, but tired as he might be, he feels… well, _happy_ doesn't seem like the right word for it. Content, maybe. Being with Jongin dulls the noise in his head to a murmur, especially now that the two of them seem to be on more even footing. He's always felt more vulnerable, more insecure than Jongin has ever seemed to be, but seeing Jongin unsure of himself, even if only for a few minutes, makes Sehun feel like maybe he's not alone. Maybe he's not weak. Maybe he's just human.

Sehun spits, rinses, and turns off the light, and nearly smacks into Jongin on his way out the door. With an ironic smile, he grabs Jongin's shoulders to steady himself. "We really have to stop meeting like this."

"Sorry." Jongin laughs and lets his hands slide down Sehun's arms, having reached out to stabilize himself as well. He jerks his head toward the bathroom. "Y'know, the power of suggestion…"

Sehun steps aside for Jongin and gestures grandly at the doorway, letting him pass by before going back into the bedroom. He puts his clothes back on and crawls into bed, then checks the time on his phone—7:36 a.m.—and adjusts his alarm to give himself another couple hours of shut-eye.

"I just want to state for the record that you are a terrible influence," Sehun says when Jongin reenters the bedroom, his hair looking slightly less disheveled. He'd put his clothes back on while Sehun was in the bathroom, clearly having realized how chilly it is in their apartment.

Jongin climbs into bed and pulls the comforter up over his shoulders, shivering. "Good."

"I'm only skipping my lit survey, though." Sehun rolls onto his side and curls up next to Jongin. "I can't afford to blow off compsci this close to finals."

"Well, I don't want you to fail anything for my benefit." Jongin's expression turns a little more serious. "I realize that I am being extremely selfish right now, so you can tell me to fuck off if you really need to go to class. I won't be upset, I promise."

Sehun shakes his head. "Nah, I can miss this one. There's no exam for this class, just a final paper. And I was already contemplating skipping when I got home from the airport last night because I was so fucking tired." He rests a hand on Jongin's arm with a self-deprecating smile. "If I fail anything, believe me, it was my own fault."

"Okay." Jongin chews on the inside of his cheek, his brows furrowed in a slight frown.

Sehun pushes up one corner of Jongin's mouth with his index finger as if to make him smile. "Why the long face?" Jongin shakes his head with an unconvincing twitch of his lips, and Sehun fixes him with an expectant look. " _Jongin._ "

"I don't know. I'm just in a weird mood." Jongin heaves a sigh and rolls onto his back. "I think… I don't know, I think I missed you over the break more than I thought I would, and now I feel all weird and, like… needy? I mean, it's dumb. I shouldn't be asking you to skip class to fucking _cuddle_ with me."

"It's okay." Sehun drapes himself across Jongin's chest, resting his head in the crook of Jongin's shoulder. "I don't think that's dumb or weird."

"Thanks." Jongin slides his arm around Sehun's shoulders. "Like… I guess part of what I meant when I said I felt out of my element is that I feel like I'm falling really hard and really fast, and it's kind of… freaking me out a little?" 

"Oh." The pit of Sehun's stomach feels like ice all of a sudden, but he tilts his head to look at Jongin properly anyway. "Do you want to, like… dial things back a bit?"

Jongin shakes his head quickly. "No no no, not at all. I mean, everything I'm feeling is real, but it's just… _intense_. It's exciting and fun and all that, but it's… it's also a little scary, you know?"

" _Oh._ " The tiniest of smiles creeps onto Sehun's face, and his entire body relaxes; he hadn't noticed he'd tensed up so hard. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I mean, it's not like I ever had my shit together around you to begin with, but I feel like I have absolutely zero chill where you're concerned these days, and I'm just like…"

"… 'Will I ever stop being this fucking horny?'" Jongin finishes with a snort.

"I was thinking more, 'Will I ever stop embarrassing myself?'" Sehun laughs, "but yeah, your thing works, too."

"Stop that—you're not embarrassing yourself." Sehun interrupts Jongin to kiss away the stubborn pout that appears on his face, and it takes Jongin a second to remember that he was in the middle of saying something. He eases back with a fond smile. " _Anyway_ , as I was trying to say—I can't believe that in all this time I've known you, I never realized you were such a softie." Jongin lifts a hand to pinch Sehun's cheek. "The perma-bitchface must have thrown me off the scent."

"I contain multitudes, Jongin," Sehun says in his snootiest voice, playfully batting Jongin's hand away. "And anyway, it's not my fault—I can't help how my face looks!"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing. I happen to like your face a lot." Jongin catches Sehun's hand and laces their fingers together, his face splitting into an impish grin. "It's almost as cute as Monggu's."

Sehun's mouth scrunches up, and he narrows his eyes at Jongin. "I'm going to class now."

He tries to wriggle out of Jongin's embrace, but Jongin just cackles and rolls back onto his side, trapping Sehun in his arms and throwing one leg over his hip for good measure.

"You're not going anywhere," Jongin says with a self-satisfied smile, leaning in to nuzzle Sehun's cheek.

Sehun surrenders, relaxing into Jongin with a breathless laugh. "Jesus, were you an octopus in a past life?"

"Stop asking dumb questions so I can kiss you already," Jongin murmurs in his ear.

Sehun tilts his head to meet Jongin's mouth with his own. They kiss lazily, unhurried, their lips moving slowly together for a few moments before they separate.

Jongin leaves him with a final peck on the lips. "Mmm, minty fresh."

"Back atcha." Sehun snuggles into Jongin's chest with a yawn. "All right. Time to go the fuck back to sleep."

"Mmkay. 'Night. 'Morning. Whatever." Jongin gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze. "Sleep tight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and so ends this delightful triptych of sexual exploration! the next few chapters are comparatively tamer. (sort of. kind of. :|) look, i'm sorry this has been like three chapters in a row of straight smut (although i'm sure you probably don't care, lmao) but they're college kids and in the words of NCT dream, they just wanna have fun... 'cause they hot and they young!!!
> 
> additions to the playlist for this chapter: "[morning lullabies](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNOeu-aCVhU)" by ingrid michaelson (a track from her first album, which is not available on spotify, annoyingly enough), for that opening scene. god, i spent all of freshman year of college looping her first two albums (and sondre lerche's and patrick wolf's entire discographies... damn, i love a singer-songwriter) but i haven't listened to them much in recent years, alas. it's a really beautiful song, though. then there's "[something human](https://open.spotify.com/track/1D2ISRyHAs9QBHIWVQIbgM)" (acoustic ver.) by muse (supposedly my favorite band of all time, but you wouldn't know it from this playlist). that one literally came to me five minutes ago as i was doing my last read-through because this week i finally listened to their newest album (which came out in november the friday after DMUMT dropped, so obviously i was... preoccupied with other stuff) because i'm seeing them on wednesday (for the eighth time... lord). and last, "[lazy boy](https://open.spotify.com/track/7zE4YHQa4c2XqcKfBKvQgD)" by franz ferdinand (i promise, they're not sponsoring this fic, I JUST REALLY LOVE THEIR MUSIC aldlskjdf) 'cause it's basically jongin in a nutshell in this chapter.
> 
> ANYWAY... i have something like 48 hours to finish my chankai fest fic, so i'm gonna post this now and get my ass in gear. wish me luck!!! see you next week (OSH'S 25th/26th BIRTHDAY!!!!)~


	15. december 3, a wednesday

The first thing Sehun does after waking up (well, aside from penning a bullshit email to his lit professor apologizing for missing class because "I accidentally set my alarm for 8:00 p.m. instead of a.m. in a haze of jet lag") is creep into his bedroom to pop open an incognito Chrome window on his laptop and do some consumer research regarding the best lube for "butt stuff" (as any mature adult would do) before he hits up Amazon for said lube as well as a bulk order of wet wipes. With that squared away, he jumps in the shower, gets dressed, and books it to class. He's especially grateful he did the responsible thing by showing up to his compsci class, because the fact that it's the Monday after a holiday weekend doesn't inspire his professor to ease up on the workload; if anything, she assigns _more_ homework to make up for losing two days of instruction to Thanksgiving break.

With a slight headache coming on after that lecture, Sehun heads to the dining hall to meet Baekhyun for lunch like he does every Monday. Baekhyun waves at Sehun when he sees him approaching with his cafeteria tray in hand, having arrived before Sehun for once.

"How was your break?" Baekhyun asks once Sehun takes his seat.

"It was… really good, surprisingly," Sehun says honestly. Baekhyun's eyebrows twitch upward. "I caught up with some friends from home, I had a long talk with my parents and things are _much_ better now, and I think… maybe it was good to get out of the Bubble a little after all. Like, I missed Jongin and all that, but it wasn't unbearable." He drops his voice even though there's no one around who gives a damn about their conversation, adding, "Honestly, I think he might have taken it harder than I did. I mean, _I'm_ used to pining miserably from afar, but he isn't."

"You know what?" Baekhyun looks impressed. "I'm really proud of you, Sehun. This kind of self-awareness… you should be proud of yourself, too."

Sehun looks down at his bowl of soup and smiles to himself, suddenly a little bashful. "Yeah, I guess so. I'll have to see how Christmas break goes first before I can pat myself on the back. Shit, that reminds me I have to see if anything's still open for J-Term."

Baekhyun's eyebrows disappear into his bangs. "You're coming back early? To take an extra class? _Willingly?_ "

" _Yes_ , Baekhyun," Sehun says with a mocking expression. "I'm a good student now, in case you forgot. Plus, Jongin's thinking of taking one, too, 'cause neither of us really wanted to go five weeks without seeing each other."

Baekhyun shakes his head in disbelief. " _Wow_ , that kid is smitten with you."

"He really is." Sehun thinks back to this morning and bites his lip to suppress a smile. "Anyway, how was your break?"

Baekhyun narrows his eyes and studies him for a moment, but doesn't question the change in subject. "I had a shitload of homework to do, so it wasn't exactly relaxing, but it was nice to be home. And I ended up on the same train as Jongdae on the way back last night, so that was fun."

Sehun pokes at his salad. "How's he doing? I haven't seen him today."

"He had a really nice break because Junmyeon visited, but he was in a funky mood this morning," Baekhyun sighs. "Which reminds me—are you busy on Saturday?"

Sehun's eyes roll upward as he tries to remember if he and Jongin had made any plans for the upcoming weekend. "Not as far as I know. Why?"

"It's the senior formal on Saturday," Baekhyun explains, "and Junmyeon can't make it up this weekend, and Chanyeol and I are going to be out at a concert until late, so I was wondering if you could go hang out with him for the night. Pretty much everyone else we know will be at the dance and I don't want him to be lonely, y'know?"

"Oh," Sehun says, feeling a little twinge of pity in his chest. "Sure, I don't mind."

Baekhyun's shoulders sag with relief. "You're the best."

Sehun smiles brightly. "I know."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

On Wednesday afternoon, Sehun gets an email notification that his package has been delivered to the campus mailroom, which sends an irrational frisson of terror down his spine. It's not like anyone knows what's inside but him (and the warehouse employee who packed it, Sehun supposes, but he hopes dearly that he'll never have to look that person in the eye); still, he feels skittish about it all the same. He does his best not to look nervous or suspicious when he swings by after his last class of the day to pick it up for fear of the mailroom manager calling for an impromptu inspection, but the student assistant doesn't even bat an eye as she hands the box over to him.

Sehun speed-walks back to his apartment anyway with the package clutched to his chest, and when he gets inside, he calls out to make sure Jongin isn't home. He's greeted with silence, much to his relief, so he stashes the box and his backpack in his bedroom and quickly undresses and hops in the shower. He takes his time cleaning up, finding himself more grateful than ever for the detachable handheld showerhead installed in their bathroom, and walks back into his bedroom a little while later with a towel wrapped around his waist.

Closing and locking the door behind him, Sehun scrounges around in his desk for a pair of scissors and, finding them, opens the package. He stares at its contents for a moment before taking out one packet of wipes and the bottle of lube he'd ordered, putting them both on his nightstand and then sitting down on his bed. He sucks in a deep breath and holds it for a couple seconds, then releases it all at once as he falls back against his pillows. Then, he undoes the towel, spreading it flat on the mattress on either side of him, and lies there for a moment feeling utterly ridiculous and unsure of where to start.

 _Maybe you should jerk off first_ , he tells himself, remembering something he'd read online about the importance of being relaxed. _You always feel better after you come._

He can't argue with that logic, so after a brief struggle with the foil seal on the bottle of lube, Sehun curls a slick palm around his cock and lets his mind wander as he starts to stroke himself.

It's been a while since he's been in this room entertaining clandestine fantasies about his roommate-turned-boyfriend—why rely on imagination when the real thing is right next door and almost always looking for an opportunity to screw around? It takes Sehun a moment to remember why he's doing it, and when the answer comes to him it sends a little shudder of pleasure mingled with nervousness through his body: because someday—and probably _soon_ —he and Jongin are going to have sex, and Sehun wants to be ready for it. Wants to _enjoy_ it.

The notion of sleeping with Jongin was always an abstract one—just part and parcel of being in a relationship with him, which was always the more important goal, in Sehun's eyes—but now that it's a more tangible eventuality, Sehun feels a little conflicted about it. He wants it— _god_ , he wants it—but the prospect of Jongin literally being _inside of him_ , of Jongin seeing Sehun at his most vulnerable, of the two of them crossing a line they can't go back from… it's like Jongin said about falling in love: it's as unnerving as it is exhilarating. But it helps knowing that Jongin loves him, that he'll be kind and gentle, and that he's going to take care of Sehun. Thinking about the way Jongin kisses him and touches him alone has Sehun on the brink of release, and he keeps those images in his mind's eye, quickening the movement of his hand until he finishes with his back arched off the bed and his lip caught between his teeth.

He lies there for a little while, letting his breathing and heart rate slow to a normal pace before he cleans himself up and gets the lube out again. He dithers for a moment, wondering how to get lube onto both of his hands without getting it on the bottle. _Why doesn't this shit have a pump on it like hand soap does?_ Sehun thinks irritably, and then rolls his eyes at himself when he realizes he can just swipe the fingers of his other hand through the lube on his palm. _Idiot. You're thinking too hard about this. Make like Nike and just fucking do it already!_

Sehun's right hand circles the base of his cock once more while the other creeps lower and lower still until the first two fingers are pressed against his entrance. He laughs reflexively, what with the lube being sort of cold and the sensation of _anything_ touching him there being altogether unfamiliar. He takes a deep breath and lets it out very slowly as he starts to make small circular motions with his fingers, consciously trying to relax the lower half of his body. Reasoning with himself that this might be easier to accomplish if it's not the only thing he's focused on, Sehun's thoughts naturally drift back to—who else?—Jongin.

Sehun is suddenly reminded of their phone conversation the previous weekend, and his stomach does a backflip when he thinks of what Jongin said about fingering him and sucking him off at the same time. That train of thought gets him replaying everything that happened after he got home, little moments flashing behind his eyelids. His entire chest suddenly feels too hot as he recalls the warmth and weight of Jongin's naked body against his, the early-morning blowjob Jongin had treated him to on Monday, and all of the illuminating conversation and kind words that preceded it.

Sehun's fingers start to rub back and forth over his hole as his cock gradually begins to harden again, and it occurs to him that, yes, okay, Jongin's had sex before, but they are both each other's firsts in certain ways: He's the first boy Jongin's ever loved. His is the first dick Jongin had ever sucked. And he's going to be the first boy Jongin's ever fucked. He finds comfort (and perhaps a weird sense of pride) in that, because if this week has taught him anything, it's that Jongin's just as nervous about all of this as he is; he's just better at keeping it under wraps.

Before he knows it, Sehun's hard again, and these fleeting touches aren't enough; he needs something more. After pausing to apply more lube and take a few calming breaths, Sehun slowly—so slowly—starts to work his middle finger into himself one knuckle at a time. He stops every time he feels even a twinge of pain, staying still until he can relax his muscles again, and doesn't do much more than gently twist and rotate his finger to get himself acclimated. After several minutes he manages to get it all the way in, and he just lies there for a bit, panting and experimentally crooking his fingertip in search of his prostate to no avail. The feeling of fullness is a little weird but not unpleasant, and there are even a few moments where he gets flashes of pleasure from it, that telltale heaviness beginning to settle low in his belly.

Sehun tries to keep his pace on the slow side as he pulls at his cock, wanting to make it last, so he tries to turn his attention elsewhere. He thinks about the finger inside of him, the tight grip and heat that surrounds it, and it feels like this day is delivering one mindfuck after another because suddenly the notion of doing this to _Jongin_ enters his head. He hadn't ever really entertained the thought before now: Jongin sprawled out before him, cock hard and dripping precome as Sehun slowly, patiently works one, two, three fingers into him, before—

Sehun's cock twitches in his grip at the tantalizing prospect of being balls-deep inside of his boyfriend. He'd been so preoccupied with losing his virginity the other way that the alternative hadn't even occurred to him. He still wants Jongin to take him first—no question about that—but he can't help but wonder what it would feel like, whether Jongin would like it, _how_ Jongin might like it… 

Orgasm takes him by surprise, and he cries out, curling his finger inward and clenching around it as he plants his feet and lifts his hips slightly off the bed to thrust into his fist while come runs thickly down the back of his hand. It is by far the best climax Sehun's ever given himself, he thinks, letting another whiny moan slip out when his cock grows too sensitive to touch.

Chest heaving, Sehun sinks back down onto the mattress and closes his eyes, but they snap right back open when he hears the most alarming sound he can imagine at this particular moment—

A knock at the door.

"Fuck," he hisses, clenching tightly around his finger. How did he miss the front door opening and closing? 

"Sehun?" Yep, it's definitely Jongin outside his bedroom door. "Are you in there?"

"Mmmyeah," Sehun says after mouthing a string of curses at the ceiling.

"Are you all right? I thought I heard a shout."

"Yep, I'm fine!" Sehun's voice cracks, and he winces. "You're home early."

"Yeah, I had a test today so I left as soon as I was done with it." To his horror, Sehun hears the doorknob jiggling. "What's up with the locked door?"

"I'm, uh…" Sehun clears his throat. "I'm kind of in the middle of something."

There's a long pause before Jongin speaks again. "Sehun, are you _touching yourself_ right now?"

 _Fuuuuuuuck._ Sehun has to bite his lip to keep from groaning aloud. On the one hand, if he says no, he's lying, and he doesn't want to lie to Jongin, but on the other hand, it's too embarrassing to say yes. He settles for yelling, "I plead the fifth."

Another pause. "All right, I get the hint. I'll… leave you to it, I guess."

_Fuck!_

"Jongin, wait!" Sehun shouts, closing his eyes in resignation. "It's— it's not— I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or, like, reject you or anything, I'm just a little, uh… _exposed_ right now."

"Dude, how many times have I seen you naked at this point?" Jongin says with a huff of laughter. "I don't care if you're jerking off. I just don't know why you're being all cloak-and-dagger about it."

"Because," Sehun moans, feeling his face heat up.

Jongin's voice comes through the door a little more quietly. "Because _why_?"

Sehun stifles a nervous laugh. "Because that's not the only thing I'm doing."

Another long pause, and Sehun can tell the gears are clicking in Jongin's head. "Sehun," he says finally, a lilt of curiosity in his tone, "where are your hands right now?"

"Well," Sehun sighs, drawing out the word as he glances down. "One of them is on my dick, and the other one is… partially inside of me… ?"

"Inside _where_?"

Sehun's cheeks are burning. "Well, there's only two places it could be, and I'm sure you can figure out which one."

"Oh my _god_." A sound that's half manic laughter and half whimper wafts through the air. "Can I come in?"

"No," Sehun groans, "it's too humiliating."

"Now that's where you're wrong." Jongin's voice is low, his tone seductive in the way that gives Sehun the shivers. "It's fucking _hot_ is what it is. Please let me in?"

Sehun's cock stirs feebly, and he narrows his eyes at it like it's personally betrayed him.

"Okay, okay," Sehun sighs, "but you're gonna have to pick the lock because I'm not getting up."

"I would never expect you to," Jongin says swiftly. "Be right back!"

He hears Jongin's footsteps dashing down the hallway to his room, and after a minute of silence he hears them come back the other way, followed by the click of the bathroom door closing. A couple minutes later, the doorknob jiggles; it has one of those cheap privacy locks, the kind that's easily opened with a coin or even a fingernail, and a few seconds later Sehun hears it click.

"It's unlocked," Jongin says, and the butterflies in Sehun's stomach start flapping double-time. "Can I come in?"

Sehun plants one foot on the mattress and brings his knee in closer to his body while he folds his other leg flat on the bed and slips his foot beneath his bent knee, pressing the ankle against the heel of his other foot in an attempt to shield himself. He closes his eyes.

"Yeah."

The door slowly creaks open and closes with a snap, and Sehun hears Jongin inhale sharply.

" _Jesus_."

The back of Sehun's neck prickles with sweat. He cracks an eye open and focuses on Jongin, who's standing by the end of the bed in a T-shirt and basketball shorts, slack-jawed. "What?" Sehun says flatly.

"Nothing, just…" Jongin shakes himself out of it and scrubs a hand through his hair. " _God_ , you're gorgeous."

"Shut up."

"I'm serious," Jongin says insistently, walking around the bed to perch on the edge next to Sehun, one leg folded under himself while the other hangs off the side. He leans down to press his lips to Sehun's forehead and scratch his head the way he likes. "You are."

Sehun makes to lift his hand to touch Jongin's face, but halfway there he remembers he'd never mopped himself up. "Oh, gross—can you pass me a couple of those?" Sehun grimaces and jerks his head toward the packet of wipes on his nightstand.

Jongin looks up and follows Sehun's line of sight. "On it," he says, reaching over Sehun's head to get the packet. He peels back the adhesive cover and pulls out a few wipes, but instead of handing them to Sehun, he curls a hand around Sehun's wrist and starts to clear the stickiness away himself: first his palm, then the back of his hand, and then each of his fingers in turn. He nods at the packet and then at the bottle of lube on the nightstand. "So where'd you get all this stuff, huh?"

"Hmm?" It takes a moment for the question to register; he'd been watching Jongin work. Sehun tears his eyes away from his hand, waiting for Jongin to finish up and let go of him before pointing at the box on his bedroom floor. "Special delivery. Gotta love that two-day shipping."

Sehun reaches for the wipes with his now clean hand, but Jongin bats him away. "I got it," he murmurs, rubbing the cloth over Sehun's chest and belly and pausing before he moves further. "Is it all right if I… ?"

Sehun nods, and Jongin wraps the wipe around the base of his cock and gently pulls it along the length. Sehun steadies it with his hand so Jongin can wipe off the head and sucks his lower lip into his mouth to muffle a whimper. Sehun lets go and reaches down to lift the little waste basket next to his bed so Jongin can throw away the dirty wipes.

"Those are very convenient," Jongin says, stretching out on his side next to Sehun. It's a tight fit, two guys of their size squeezed onto a single twin bed, but they make it work. Sehun will never complain about having Jongin's body molded to his, and it's even more arousing considering the slight bulge in Jongin's basketball shorts pressed against his hip. "Look at you being all resourceful and shit."

"Don't sound so surprised," Sehun laughs.

"I'm not," Jongin says, trailing a hand down the length of Sehun's chest. "I'm impressed."

His hand moves lower, and then he runs a finger up the underside of Sehun's cock. Sehun clenches around his own finger and gasps.

"Wait, wait, still too sensitive," Sehun pants, clutching Jongin's hand in his own. "I only came, like, three seconds before you knocked on the door."

" _That's_ what I overheard?" Jongin's eyebrows disappear under his bangs and his lips curve into a sly smile. He kisses Sehun's shoulder. "Was it good? It sounded like a good one."

"It was _so_ good," Sehun whines, letting go of Jongin's hand to pound his arm instead, "but then you had to go and give me a goddamn panic attack! You have terrible timing, y'know, in case no one's ever told you."

"I'm sorry," Jongin says with sincerity, shifting closer to Sehun so he can nuzzle and kiss his neck, "but I'm happy to make it up to you whenever you're ready."

"Oh yeah?" Sehun swallows hard, and his voice pitches up slightly when Jongin laps at his pulse point and seals his lips around it just as his thumb swipes over one of Sehun's nipples. _God_ , Jongin knows just how to get him going. "How?"

"I'm gonna make good on the offer I made you on Saturday night," Jongin says, lifting his head to kiss Sehun properly, and Sehun can't hold back the whimper of relief that sticks in the back of his throat. "Yeah, you know the one. Still interested?"

" _Yes_ ," Sehun whispers fiercely between kisses, his hand curled around the back of Jongin's neck. "Why else do you think I'm doing this?"

"I honestly don't know," Jongin laughs, sounding slightly out of breath. "This is about the last thing I expected to come home to today—not that I'm complaining or anything," he hurries to add.

"Well, I am extremely unpredictable," Sehun says, the corners of his lips pulling up into a tiny smile.

"I wouldn't go _that_ far," Jongin says, taking a moment to think it over, "but you do surprise me sometimes, I'll give you that." Jongin gestures toward the hand Sehun's fingering himself with and reaches down to rub his wrist, which is definitely starting to ache a bit at this point. "That can't be comfortable. You want me to sub in?"

The butterflies start fluttering again, but Sehun nods anyway. "Yeah."

Sehun withdraws his finger ever so slowly and brings his hand up to clean it off, trying to keep his lower half relaxed at the same time. With that done, he wraps his other hand around his wrist, rubbing it and flexing the joint as he looks up at Jongin. "So how are we doing this?"

Jongin makes a thoughtful noise. "Your bed's really small… we'd have more room in—"

"Hold on." Sehun puts a hand on his arm. "I'm gonna stop you right there because I have no intention of moving. My legs are all wobbly as it is."

"Are you trying to get me to carry you to my room?" Jongin's wearing a cheeky grin, the corners of his eyes crinkled up the way Sehun likes. "I mean, I'll do it. I might break my spine in the process, but I'll do it. All you have to do is ask."

" _No_ ," Sehun says forcefully, aiming a fake-out punch at Jongin's arm for his insolence and then pointing to the foot of the bed. "Why don't you just flip around so your head's down there? That way you won't be hanging off the bed or—" Sehun stops short, finally realizing what it sounds like he's asking Jongin to do, and looks up at the ceiling, the tips of his ears suddenly burning hot. " _Oh._ "

Jongin laughs under his breath and pats Sehun's stomach. "Aaaaaand now he hears it."

"I— I just asked you to sixty-nine, didn't I?"

"That you did." Another little chuckle. "Nice."

"Jongin, look at me." Sehun taps the corner of his right eye as he turns his head toward Jongin. "Look— yep, right here. I want you to look very carefully at what I'm about to do," he says, following it with an exaggerated roll of his eyes.

"Oh, whatever," Jongin scoffs, but his voice is warm and knowing as he leans in to peck Sehun on the nose. "Gimme that lube."

"You're annoying and I don't like you," Sehun says crossly, pursing his lips as he passes the bottle to Jongin.

"Yeah, well, you'll be singing a different tune in a minute or two, I'm sure." Jongin fixes him with a cocky smile as he sits up and repositions himself, and Sehun feels like his nerves are crackling from the anticipation. "Here, move your leg."

"I'm going, I'm going," Sehun grumbles, trying and failing to suppress a smile. He pulls the pillows off the bed so Jongin can't put his feet all over them, then rolls onto his side and shifts his top leg back, bending it and planting his foot on the bed so Jongin has room to maneuver. "How's that?"

"Perfect," Jongin says, rubbing Sehun's hip. He takes a moment to press his face into the softness of Sehun's stomach, leaving light kisses here and there that make Sehun tremble from ticklishness, but he doesn't laugh; he just reaches down to sift a hand through Jongin's hair, fingertips scratching gently against his scalp. 

Jongin squeezes Sehun's hip once more and reaches for the lube, glancing up from slicking up his fingers when Sehun tugs on the waistband of his shorts. "What's up?"

"Are you, uh, planning to take these off anytime soon?" Sehun raises an eyebrow. "I have many talents, but sucking dick through two layers of clothing is not one of them."

Jongin's mouth rounds into a little 'o' shape as both of his eyebrows go up, and Sehun can't help but grin in response because it's too cute.

"I didn't think you were serious about that," Jongin says finally, relaxing his features.

"I mean, I guess it wasn't what I'd originally intended," Sehun says with a shrug and a wry smile, "but your boner is basically up my nose right now, so I'm down. Unless you don't want me to…"

"I never said that," Jongin says quickly, lifting his hips off the bed and pushing ineffectually at his waistband with his clean hand.

Sehun takes pity on him and gives the hems of his shorts a sharp yank, leaving them bunched up around Jongin's calves, his underwear following shortly after. Looping an arm between Jongin's legs, he reaches up to palm his ass and leans in to nuzzle at the crease where Jongin's hip and thigh meet, squeezing as he presses his lips to the thin skin there. He's just wrapped his other hand around Jongin's cock and is about to suck the tip into his mouth when Jongin says, "Wait, wait."

"What?" Sehun releases his grip and looks at him apprehensively. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No no no," Jongin says with a little shake of his head, reaching between Sehun's legs but not quite touching him just yet. "Just… let me get this part going first, all right? I don't want to hurt you, but I _really_ don't want you to accidentally bite me if I do hurt you. And besides," he adds, kissing Sehun's inner thigh right where he'd left that bruise on Monday morning, "I can't focus when you're doing that because it feels too fucking good, so just… hang tight for a minute, all right?"

"Sure," Sehun says, those stupid butterflies kicking up a fuss yet again. "Ready when you are."

"I'm good," Jongin says, and the pad of his middle fingertip presses against Sehun's hole. For a minute all Jongin does is rub it back and forth, pushing gently against the little pucker each time his finger passes over it. Sehun takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, makes a conscious effort to relax. "Okay, I'm gonna try to put it in, all right? Stop me if it hurts."

"I will," Sehun says, closing his eyes. _Inhale, exhale, relax._ "Go on."

He hears the click of the bottle cap, feels Jongin smear more lube around his entrance, and then exhales as Jongin slowly, gradually pushes into him, twisting his finger to make everything as wet as possible.

"How's that?" Jongin asks, eyes flicking upward to gauge Sehun's expression once his finger's as deep as it'll go.

"Good…" Sehun shifts gingerly and returns Jongin's gaze with a little sigh of satisfaction. "Felt like it went in easier than the first time. So does that mean now we can… ?" He takes Jongin's cock in his hand again and wets his lips, eyes curving in a smile as he presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek to mime a blow job. "I promise I won't bite you."

"You better not," Jongin laughs, circling Sehun's cock with his free hand. The touch makes Sehun clench around Jongin's finger, which gives Jongin pause. "You sure you're okay?"

Sehun nods, taking another deep breath. "I'm fine; I think it was just a reflex thing. But maybe you should just… stay put for now, just in case."

Once Jongin nods in understanding, Sehun tilts his head to lick the underside of his cock from base to tip a couple of times, getting it nice and wet before taking the head into his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. He traces the vein on the underside with his thumb as he strokes the shaft, moaning around the head in his mouth when Jongin follows suit, enveloping Sehun's cock in the warmth of his mouth and his hand. Sehun's squeezes Jongin's ass every time he bobs his head, fingertips pressing into it both for leverage and just because it feels nice to touch.

Jongin keeps his finger where it is, for the most part, occasionally brushing his fingertip in little circles or moving it from side to side in a gentle arc, and Sehun finds that he's starting to get used to the feeling of having something inside of him. It doesn't seem to make a significant difference in how it feels to have Jongin's mouth around his dick, but it's not unpleasant or painful by any means. What _does_ make a difference, however, is when Jongin starts to rub Sehun's perineum with his thumb; at that, he clenches around Jongin's finger and lets his cock slip out of his mouth, craning his head to look down at Jongin, who mimics him, pulling back with some alarm.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sehun pants. "Just— I don't know what you just did, but that was— that was good."

"What, this?"

Jongin repeats the motion with his thumb and middle finger, and Sehun is wracked by a shuddery sigh, his forehead falling against Jongin's leg. "Yeah, that. Keep doing that."

Jongin obliges and returns to licking and kissing his way up the length of Sehun's cock while Sehun resumes stroking Jongin's, bowing his head so he can lap at and suck on his sack. Jongin's lips seal around him again as he drapes his arm over Sehun's hip to palm his ass, and there's an urgency in the way he kneads the soft flesh and swirls his tongue around the head of Sehun's cock. He seems to redouble his efforts with the hand between Sehun's legs, thumb pressing down slightly with each stroke, and Sehun has to stop what he's doing for a few moments because the sensation is making him lose focus.

"Oh, fuck," Sehun chokes out, letting his head fall against Jongin's thigh with a breathy moan. The feeling is too much and yet not enough at the same time. Every circle of Jongin's fingertip inside of him intensifies the pleasure radiating into his dick, drags him inexorably toward the edge of release, and makes him want _more_ : another finger, and another, and finally Jongin's cock filling him up, hitting that spot over and over and over again, and just imagining it has Sehun tightening up, so close—

"Oh, god," Sehun says, and the words come out on a dry sob as he wraps both arms around Jongin's leg as though holding on for life, hips jerking involuntarily down onto Jongin's hand. "I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna—"

Jongin pulls off of his cock and wraps a hand around it just in time, stroking firmly and continuing to finger Sehun through his orgasm. He moans brokenly into Jongin's thigh as streaks of come hit his chest and stomach and the towel still spread out beneath him, and hardly hears what he's saying when he cries out, some combination of "yes" and "Jongin" and a whole host of swear words that he forgets as soon as they leave his mouth.

Sehun's eyes flutter open and his grip on Jongin's leg loosens as he starts to come down, and as his mind clears he remembers he'd kind of left Jongin hanging. He guides Jongin's cock back to his lips, jerking him off with purpose yet sucking leisurely on the tip, muffling a whimper around it as Jongin's finger slowly slides out of Sehun's ass. Sehun lets his other leg fall back onto the mattress, and his gaze travels up Jongin's body toward his face, taking in the swift rise and fall of his chest the sight of his eyes screwed up in pleasure. Jongin looks dazed when he opens them, and when his vision eventually focuses on Sehun, Sehun surprises himself by not looking away immediately; instead, he pulls his lips back and lewdly licks the head, slapping it against his tongue a couple times, too fucked out to be self-conscious.

" _Fuck_ ," Jongin moans loudly, the sound trailing off into a whine. He shifts onto his back and lets one of his legs hang off the side of the bed, Sehun leaning over slightly to follow him. He looks almost enraptured, watching as Sehun licks his cock before taking it between his lips again and tearing his eyes away from Jongin's, his hand moving up and down the shaft at an increasingly faster pace. "Fuck, Sehun, I'm gonna co—"

Sehun's lips slide up and off Jongin's cock just as Jongin's back arches off the bed, but he stays close as he strokes Jongin to completion, hooking his arm underneath Jongin's knee and nuzzling his inner thigh. Jongin's hand curls around his wrist when it gets to be too much, and Sehun releases his dick and wipes his sticky hand on the towel, glad that he'd remembered not to use the nicer ones today.

"C'mere," Jongin whines, pulling on his wrist again, and Sehun doesn't need to look up for confirmation that Jongin is pouting at him.

"No," Sehun says stubbornly, kissing Jongin's thigh. "You come up here. My room, my rules."

" _Fine_ ," Jongin grumbles with an exaggerated sigh, gently shaking Sehun off of his leg.

Sehun rolls onto his back and gropes for the wipes while Jongin slowly sits up and scoots back toward the head of the bed. By the time Jongin's reoriented himself, Sehun's dangling a few wipes between his thumb and forefinger, offering them to Jongin and nodding in response to his grunt of thanks. After tidying up both themselves and the bed and pulling on underwear and T-shirts (in Sehun's case), they collapse on top of the comforter.

"So… I know it's only Wednesday," Sehun says, leaning his head against Jongin's shoulder, "but we're definitely ordering takeout for dinner 'cause I'm just… tapped the fuck out."

"Good plan." Jongin wriggles down slightly so he can see eye-to-eye with Sehun. "Other than being tired, though… you okay?"

Sehun lets his head fall to the side with a little smile and nods.

"Good." Jongin sags into the mattress, looking relieved. "I just— I don't know. I hope it didn't come off like I was pressuring you to let me in. I really wasn't trying to guilt-trip you, but—"

"Stop," Sehun says, voice soft as he rolls over and blankets Jongin's body with his own, holding himself up with one elbow and throwing his leg over Jongin's hip. "You're saying it like I didn't want you there at all, but it wasn't— it was never that. I was just _nervous_ , that's all." Jongin's hands settle on the small of his back, and he locks eyes with Sehun, a tiny crease between his eyebrows where he's frowning the way he does when he's focused on something. Sehun averts his gaze after a moment and smiles to himself, nosing at Jongin's cheek as he murmurs, "I mean, what do you think I was thinking about in here before you came home?"

"That's a good question," Jongin murmurs in reply, warmth and amusement coloring his voice. "What _were_ you thinking about?"

"Mostly what we just did… and some other stuff," Sehun admits, and he supposes nothing relieves the anxiety of talking about sex like letting someone get up close and personal with your b-hole, because he feels significantly less bashful about it all of a sudden—but not quite enough to regale Jongin with every last detail. "You're a smart guy. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks."

Jongin's only response to that is a slightly strangled noise, and he nudges at Sehun's cheek until Sehun gets the hint and turns his head to receive Jongin's kiss, cupping his face with one hand. Sehun feels warm all over at the way Jongin's arms tighten around him, one wrapped firmly around his waist while his other hand slides up Sehun's spine to cradle the back of his neck. Sehun yields to the soft flicks of Jongin's tongue against his lower lip, clutching Jongin's shoulder with his other hand as he leans into the kiss with a little sigh.

Jongin's hand wanders away from Sehun's waist, slowly running over the curve of his ass and the back of his thigh a few times before settling on his asscheek, squeezing gently with his splayed-out hand. Chest fluttering with arousal yet again, Sehun inhales sharply and moans into Jongin's mouth before getting ahold of himself. His face splits into a knowing smile as he breaks the kiss and slides off of Jongin, his leg still possessively draped across Jongin's lap.

"I see what you're up to, y'know, trying to get me going again." Sehun presses his mouth against Jongin's shoulder for a moment to hide his smile and reaches back to tug Jongin's arm up and around his shoulders instead. "That is one naughty hand you've got there."

"Naughty, huh?" Jongin laughs and shoots an incredulous look at Sehun. "This, coming from the guy who looked me dead in the eye while slapping my dick against his tongue…"

Sehun cracks up. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says without a trace of remorse in his voice, a smirk tugging at his lips. "Did I make you uncomfortable? So sorry. I promise I'll never do it again."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jongin says gravely, holding up a hand. "Let's not say anything we might regret, now."

Sehun shakes his head and laughs. "Look, I'm just saying… when I said I was tapped out, I meant _literally_. I came three times in, like, an hour. The metaphorical gas tank is empty."

"Well, you don't know that for certain," Jongin points out with a cheeky glint in his eye. "And you'll never know if you don't try. It's like those old commercials, y'know? 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a—'"

"Do _not_ finish that sentence," Sehun interrupts him, ignoring the surge of heat in his gut at the implication. He covers Jongin's mouth with a hand and pulls a face when Jongin clamps a hand around his wrist and full-on licks his palm. Sehun shakes himself free after a moment and wipes his hand on Jongin's T-shirt. " _Ugh_."

" _Anyway_ ," Jongin says blithely, scratching Sehun's head to placate him, "to answer your question on a more serious note… no, the stupidly hot thing you did with your tongue definitely did _not_ make me feel uncomfortable, and you are more than welcome to do it again whenever you want." Sehun snorts, and Jongin tugs lightly on a hank of his hair. "What? It was hot!"

"Only because you were, like, five seconds from shooting your wad."

" _No_ ," Jongin argues, but then he stops short for a moment, reconsidering. "Well, yeah, I was, but those are two separate issues. It was hot 'cause you're hot."

"Please," Sehun scoffs, but Jongin blows right past him.

"You are," he insists. "Everything you do is hot. Your entire existence is hot." Jongin hooks one hand under Sehun's knee where his leg is stretched across Jongin's thighs and tightens his arm around Sehun's back. "So, like… can you really blame me for wanting to touch you all the time?" 

"Of course not." Sehun glances down at the hand on his leg and back at Jongin, and his heart is practically bouncing off his ribcage at the look on Jongin's face, the naked longing in his eyes. "I know the feeling."

" _God_ ," Jongin whispers, closing his eyes. 

Sehun rests his cheek on Jongin's chest. "What?"

"Nothing," Jongin laughs weakly. "I'm just— _god_ , I want you so bad right now."

Sehun turns his face in toward Jongin's neck to muffle the flustered little moan trapped in the back of his throat. "I know," he mumbles, reaching up to thumb at Jongin's cheek. "I know. Me too. I just… need to get some more, uh, practice in."

"Oh, no— sorry— I didn't mean—" Sehun leans back to look at him properly as Jongin groans in frustration and huffs out a sigh. "What I'm trying to say is, I don't wanna do this if you're not gonna enjoy it. So I don't care how long it takes. It'll be worth the wait. And before you say anything," he adds upon seeing Sehun opens his mouth, "yes, I know that last line makes me sound like a Sunday school teacher giving the abstinence talk."

"Just as long as you're aware of it." Sehun grins and pats Jongin's chest. Normally these kinds of conversations make him nervous as hell, but somehow Jongin makes him feel lighthearted about even the most serious of topics. "Although I gotta say… I don't know about you, but I sure as hell didn't agree to anything about abstinence, _especially_ not after I nearly gave myself carpal tunnel earlier. I mean, teamwork makes the dream work, right?"

"Well," Jongin laughs abruptly, caught off-guard by Sehun's response, "I'm always happy to lend a hand… lift a finger… whatever you need me to do."

"I think I've got something in mind," Sehun says coyly, lifting his head to bring his lips close to Jongin's.

"Yeah?" Jongin lights up, his eyebrows twitching upward as he runs a hand up and down Sehun's back. "What's that?"

"Mmhmm…" Sehun tilts his head slightly, but he stops when he's just within kissing distance, whispering, "Go get the takeout menus off the fridge. I'm starving."

Sehun just about dies laughing when Jongin registers his request, his face falling just the slightest bit. He rolls onto his back to cackle while Jongin hauls himself out of bed with only a modicum of grumbling, and looks up at the ceiling as he catches his breath, blinking tears of laughter out of his eyes. And as he waits for Jongin to get back with their various options for tonight's dinner, Sehun feels like maybe he's not as unlucky as he'd always thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what i was thinking, saying that the next couple chapters would be tame… but then again, jongin wasn't originally going to come into the room, the way i'd first planned that scene. you can thank [katya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfsupremacist) for my change of heart; she made a convincing argument for having sehun let him in, and i'm glad i went with it. character development by way of fingerbanging! (AND i managed to sneak in a reference to jongin's "your entire existence is sexy" line from the DMUMT showcase. honestly, i can't believe myself sometimes.)
> 
> but, y'know, on a serious note—sex is an awkward, taboo subject and it can be embarrassing and weird and hard to talk about, even when you're 100% DTF, both in terms of the act itself and in terms of your specific feelings about it (especially if you struggle with anxiety, or have experienced trauma, or come from a [shame-based religious tradition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV2ijk-Hs1w), or any combination of the three), because we live in a weird society where everything is sexualized and yet sex itself is demonized. but it's one of those things where you kind of just have to power through the discomfort and make sure everyone's on the same page and having a good time. a commitment to honest communication and a good sense of humor are essential to accomplishing that, which is probably why i end up writing that stuff into my fanfic all the time. and honestly, the first time you do lots of things can be scary, but once you have a frame of reference, it gets easier after that. (in short: there really is nothing like getting up close and personal with someone else's bits and pieces to make you feel less squeamish about the whole thing, lmao.)
> 
> ANYWAY! [hops off soapbox] sorry again for my poor time management on this. i spent most of last week reworking chapter 16 because my brain is wired in such a way that it has neither respect for deadlines nor the ability to prioritize. 🙃 so that'll go up at the usual time on friday. as for this chapter's playlist additions: i think i should move the OK go song from chapter 13 to this chapter instead, since it fits really well for jongin here, as does "i will wait" by mumford & sons [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/0hm8rgOY17z7kQJlqGKbu7)]. and for sehun, i'm going with exo's "lucky" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/546Y4NAdcGBeOpMWOvuJdw)]. (i had a real hard time coming up with anything other than the divinyls' "i touch myself" until i got to the last few paragraphs of this chapter, lmfao.)
> 
> also, for any non-americans reading who are unfamiliar with the term "i plead the fifth," here's a civics lesson for you! it's is a common idiom that refers to the US constitution's fifth amendment, which involves citizens' rights with regard to criminal law. among other things, it enshrines the right of witnesses in criminal court proceedings to refrain from responding to a question, typically because the answer contains a tacit admission of criminal activity and they don't want to incriminate themselves, but lying under oath (committing perjury) is a felony that can land you in prison for up to five years if you're convicted. the phrase is often invoked in humorous situations when a person has been caught doing something and doesn't want to admit to it (as in this chapter). you can read more about the term "pleading the fifth" [here](https://www.byrddavis.com/blog/2014/09/what-does-it-mean-to-plead-the-fifth.shtml) and the fifth amendment in general [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution), if you're interested. (also, in case you didn't get the "how many licks" reference… [the world may never know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6rHeD5x2tI).)
> 
> i never mean for these notes to be as long as they are, but i also wrote, like, 6k worth of sehun getting fingerbanged, so… i'm a windbag, basically, is what i'm saying. :| anyway, see you tomorrow with chapter 16!!
> 
> p.s. fun fact: this chapter takes place on my birthday (december 3), lol.


	16. december 4, a thursday • december 6, a saturday

Jongin comes home unexpectedly early on Thursday evening, too, but this time Sehun's just finishing up some homework in the living room when he walks through the door.

"Hey," Sehun says, glancing toward the door briefly and doing a double-take when he realizes something is off—Jongin's face is pinched in pain. "Wait, what are you doing home so early? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, don't worry." Jongin is favoring his left leg as he moves stiffly into the living room, dropping his gym bag on the floor next to the couch. "I just overdid it at practice tonight. I'll be fine in the morning."

"It doesn't look like nothing," Sehun says, closing his laptop and springing up from the couch. He's seen that expression on Jongin's face before—last year, when he pulled his hamstring. "Did you hurt your leg again?"

"It's the other leg this time, but it's just a little strain, I think," Jongin says, deflecting the question. The hiss of pain that comes out of his mouth when he attempts to sit down, however, tells Sehun everything he needs to know.

"Like hell it is." Sehun's eyebrows furrow in concern. "You look like you're about to pass out. Are you in a lot of pain?"

"It looks worse than it is," Jongin protests, still grimacing. He perches on the arm of the sofa. "I'm fine. Or I will be in a day or two."

"You're obviously not fine." Sehun crosses his arms, a stubborn frown on his face. "You have to take it easy—your showcase is less than a week away."

"You think I don't know that?" Jongin snaps, and Sehun's stomach twists at the sharpness of his voice.

"I'm sure you do," Sehun says coolly even as his face heats up, "but if you're going to be a jerk about it then I'm just gonna go do my homework."

"Sehun—"

Ignoring Jongin, Sehun turns on his heel and stalks off to his bedroom, closing the door as Jongin sighs, his voice following Sehun into the hallway. "Sehun, come on—"

Sehun doesn't exactly slam the door, but he doesn't close it all that gently, either. He doesn't even turn the light on, let alone get back to doing his homework (and even if he wanted to, he couldn't—all of his stuff is still in the living room). Instead, he trudges to his bed and lies down on top of the comforter with his face half-buried in the pillow he clutches to his chest, feeling stupid and small and hurt—feelings compounded by a sudden wave of loneliness when it occurs to him how little of his time is spent in this room as of late.

Of course, that gets him thinking about everything that happened in here yesterday, which sends a flare of heat down into his belly and yet makes him feel _worse_ , because yesterday he was so _happy_. He'd never been closer to Jongin than he was yesterday. But now… now he's lying here alone in a cold, dark room, and he's in a fight with his boyfriend that he didn't ask to be in, and— Is _this a fight?_ Sehun wonders nervously. If it is, he probably only made it worse by walking away in a huff. He knows he has a tendency to be dramatic, to overreact, and he'd probably find it annoying as hell if he were in Jongin's shoes, but at the same time…

Sehun rubs his face against the pillow and stews for a bit. Sure, he concedes, maybe he was nagging a little, but he was just _worried_ ; Jongin didn't have to get all snippy and mean about it. His stormy expression flashes in Sehun's mind, and Sehun squeezes his eyes shut to stop the stinging sensation behind his eyelids because this is a really stupid thing to cry about. (Recognizing that, however, has never stopped it from being his default reaction to feeling embarrassed.)

Sehun's sulking is interrupted by a soft knock on his bedroom door some minutes later. He'd been expecting it, but his stomach churns with dread anyway. This is it: they're going to have a shitty fight, and Jongin's going to be upset with him, and—

"Can I come in?"

"I'm busy," Sehun says loudly enough to be heard through the door.

"Sehun…" Sehun hears a soft thud against the door, and in his mind's eye he can picture Jongin leaning his head against the wood paneling. His voice comes through again. "Please?"

Sehun sighs and clutches the pillow tighter. "Fine."

The door creaks slightly when Jongin opens it. "Is it okay if I turn on the light?"

"No," Sehun says flatly.

"Okay…" Sehun hears Jongin's feet shuffling across the carpet, and out of the corner of his eye he sees Jongin pushing his desk chair toward the bed. He parks it right in front of Sehun and eases himself into it, and he sounds almost amused when he says, "Getting a lot of homework done, I see."

Sehun rolls his eyes and immediately flips onto his other side, turning his back on Jongin.

"All right, not in the mood for jokes, I guess," Jongin says, more to himself than to Sehun, and sighs. He reaches out to squeeze Sehun's shoulder, and Sehun wants to be petty and shake him off—see how _he_ likes being rejected—but he doesn't. "Hey. I'm sorry I was short with you. I'm not upset with you, I just… have a lot on my mind right now, and I'm mad at myself, and my leg hurts, and I know you weren't _trying_ to lecture me, but that's what it felt like to me, so I got frustrated and— and I'm sorry."

Sehun doesn't move. "I _wasn't_ trying to lecture you," he says, trying not to sound too sullen. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself even more trying to, like, work through the pain or whatever, 'cause you're gonna be out for a lot longer than a few days if that happens, and I don't want that to happen 'cause I know how much you love dancing." Sehun sighs and rolls over to look at Jongin in the faint light coming in through the doorway. "And I was gonna tell you all of that if you'd given me a chance, but I don't like getting snapped at, Jongin."

"I know you don't," Jongin says, sounding distinctly chastened as he glances down at his lap. "I can't promise it's never going to happen again, though."

"I know." Sehun sits up with a weary sigh and turns, putting his feet on the floor and facing Jongin. "And when it does, it's probably gonna hurt my feelings and I'm not gonna want to talk to you for a little while." He shrugs. "Y'know, you _say_ you like that I'm sensitive, but this is the other side of that coin, and it's not cute."

"It's a little cute," Jongin says with a wry smile, dodging the fake-out punch Sehun aims at his arm. "What? It is! You're sitting in the dark sulking like a little baby." He reaches out to gently squeeze Sehun's face between his hands. "Frankly, you're _lucky_ you're cute. Otherwise it would be really annoying."

"Watch it." Sehun glares balefully at Jongin even as he leans into the touch. "Don't make me go full Tonya Harding on your good leg. I can call Baekhyun and he'll be here in five minutes with a crowbar in hand, no questions asked."

"Now who's being mean?" Jongin says pointedly, though it's clear he's teasing. "And speaking of my leg…" He tries to lever himself out of the chair and winces. "Shit. Can you—"

"Yeah, I gotcha. C'mere." Sehun stands up and, after offering Jongin his hands, helps him to stand as well. Once Jongin is steady, Sehun loops his arms around Jongin's shoulders and draws him into a hug, turning his face in toward Jongin's neck, but he pulls back almost immediately, wrinkling his nose. "God, you're, like, covered in flop sweat," Sehun laughs. "Go take a shower. Maybe the hot water will help with the pain?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Jongin says, dropping his hands from Sehun's waist to tangle his fingers with Sehun's again. "So, are we— we're good, right?"

"Yeah, we're good," Sehun says in a soft voice, squeezing Jongin's hands as he leans in for a brief kiss. "I forgive you."

"Thank you," Jongin says with a little sigh of relief before tilting his head to kiss Sehun again. "I don't suppose I could interest you in joining me… ?"

The faintest of moans catches in Sehun's throat. "No," he says reluctantly, "because I _know_ we'll be in there for too long, and you should really ice your leg ASAP."

"I hate when you get all practical and responsible and shit," Jongin laments, clearly doing his best to look forlorn. He lets go of Sehun's hands. "All right. I'll see you in a bit, then."

Sehun watches him walk stiffly out of the room and waits until he hears the shower turn on before getting to work, heading into the kitchen with a hand towel and a bottle of ibuprofen from his room. Setting them on the countertop, he busies himself with boiling a pot of water for ramen. Sehun's not much of a cook, but he goes the extra mile of cracking a couple of eggs into the pot once the noodles are cooked and tops it all off with a couple slices of cheese. He's just divvying it up into two bowls when Jongin walks into the kitchen in a T-shirt and boxers, his hair damp and falling into his eyes.

"Aw, you didn't have to do that," Jongin says, leaning over the back of a chair as Sehun sets the bowls on the small table in their kitchen.

"I know." Sehun turns to grab forks and spoons from a drawer and pull a couple of cups down from the cabinet, filling them with water from the pitcher in the fridge. "But I was hungry, too, and I figured you hadn't eaten, and my mom always says you shouldn't take painkillers on an empty stomach," he explains, putting the cups and silverware down on the table and looking up at Jongin. "Are you going to sit, or… ?"

"Yeah, just—" Jongin's lower lip juts out slightly, and he takes a step to the side to wrap his arms around Sehun's shoulders. "Thank you," he mumbles into Sehun's T-shirt, hugging him tightly. "This is… really nice."

"You're welcome," Sehun mumbles back, running a hand up and down Jongin's back with a little smile on his face.

They eat quickly, and Jongin makes a move to put his bowl in the sink once they've finished, but Sehun heads him off.

"I'll do the dishes in the morning," he says, gently taking the bowl out of Jongin's hands and stacking it on top of his own before putting all of the dirty dishes in the sink. "Go lie down. I'll get the ice."

Sehun dumps the contents of an entire ice-cube tray into a zip-lock bag, wrapping it in the towel and bringing it to Jongin's room a minute later, along with the painkillers and a glass of water. He enters to see his patient sitting on the edge of the bed. "Take these first," Sehun says, passing Jongin the glass of water and a few pills before climbing onto the bed next to him.

Jongin tosses back the capsules and downs the rest of the water, then puts the glass on his bedside table and carefully maneuvers himself onto his stomach. He reaches behind himself with one hand to point to the upper half of his right thigh. "You can put the ice right there," he says, pillowing his head on his arms.

Sehun sits cross-legged beside Jongin and gingerly rests the ice pack on his leg. "So what happened, anyway?"

"Ah, there's this move in one of the routines where you're lying down and you have to kind of roll up and jump to get back on your feet, and I just… pulled myself up too hard or landed wrong or something," Jongin sighs. He turns his head to look at Sehun. "It's my own fault. I was late to practice so I didn't have time to do a full warm-up."

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Sehun squeezes Jongin's shoulder. "You couldn't have known this would happen."

"No, I should have known better. I mean, I'm performing in multiple pieces and if I'm out of commission…" Jongin hooks one of his arms around a pillow and pushes his face into it to muffle a groan. "It's going to fuck up everyone else's hard work. I am so dumb."

"No, you're not." Sehun lies down next to Jongin and rolls onto his side, one hand still keeping the ice pack in place on Jongin's thigh. "But you really should take the weekend off to rest so you don't hurt yourself even more, because then you _definitely_ won't be able to perform."

"But we have dress rehearsal this weekend!" Jongin sputters. "I can't miss that!"

"I'm not saying you shouldn't go—they probably need you for blocking and stuff like that—but, like… can't you half-ass it a little?" Sehun asks. "I mean, knowing you, you probably have the choreography for pieces you aren't even in memorized back to front. If anyone else is still struggling at this point, that's their problem, not yours. And if anyone has a problem with you taking care of yourself, they can take it up with me."

"Oh yeah?" Jongin lifts an eyebrow at Sehun, visibly amused. "You're gonna go toe to toe with the entire dance department?"

Sehun arches an eyebrow right back at him. "Did I stutter?"

Jongin laughs, the sound trailing off into a sigh as he drapes his arm over Sehun's waist. " _Fine_. I'll email the program director in the morning and see if I can get an emergency appointment with the physical therapist I saw last year."

"Good," Sehun says firmly, his mouth set in a line.

Jongin's hand slides up Sehun's back and over his shoulders to cup his face, brushing Sehun's cheekbone with the pad of his thumb, and Sehun thinks his heart might burst from the sweetness and familiarity of the gesture. Jongin studies Sehun for a moment before offering him a little smile and letting his hand fall back onto the mattress.

"I can probably take it from here if you really do have homework to finish or studying to do," Jongin says, jerking his head back just slightly to indicate the ice pack as his hand curls around Sehun's forearm where it's supporting his weight.

"I was mostly done when you got home." Sehun relaxes into the pillows and gently shakes his arm out of Jongin's grasp so he can link their hands together properly instead. "I can finish it later."

"Oh…" Jongin gives his hand a squeeze. "Well, in that case, do you mind hanging out with me for a little while longer?"

Sehun shoots him an incredulous look. "Of course I don't mind. C'mere."

Sehun rolls onto his back and extracts his hand from Jongin's yet again, leaving room for Jongin to slowly scoot closer and slide his arms around Sehun, snuggling into his chest. "Is your leg okay like this?" Sehun asks, one hand resting on Jongin's back while the other keeps the ice pack firmly in place.

"Yeah, I'm good," Jongin says, rubbing his face against Sehun's T-shirt, arms tightening briefly around his middle. "You know, for someone who's never been anyone's boyfriend before, you're pretty great at it."

Sehun's heart leaps at the compliment, although he can't help but laugh. "I didn't say I've never _been_ anyone's boyfriend. I said I've never _had_ a boyfriend."

" _Oh_ ," Jongin says, his eyes widening slightly in understanding, but then he laughs. "Oh _nooooo_. Tell me you didn't string the poor girl along for all of high school."

Sehun gapes at him, affronted. "Do you really think I would do something like that?"

"Nah, not really," Jongin says with a little grin. "You're too nice for that. And you're also a terrible liar, so there's no way you could keep the charade going for that long even if you wanted to. You have a very, uh… _honest_ face. It's kind of hilarious."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sehun laughs, flicking Jongin's shoulder with his middle finger. 

" _Ow_ ," Jongin whines. "I just meant that sometimes when you have a really strong, uh, _negative_ reaction, your face gives it away almost immediately."

Sehun scoffs in protest. "It does not!"

"It _so_ does," Jongin snickers, lifting his head to lock eyes with Sehun. "Take it from someone who has spent a lot of time looking at you when you weren't paying attention."

Well, that takes all the fight out of Sehun. The frown pinching his features together fades into a soft smile, and he lifts his head off the pillow just long enough to give Jongin a peck on the lips.

With a little smile of his own, Jongin rests his head on Sehun's chest again. "So how many hearts did you have to break before you realized you weren't exactly a ladies' man?"

"Oh, stop, it wasn't anything like that," Sehun laughs. "I only had one real girlfriend. My friend Sejeong and I, like, 'went out' the summer before high school, but we were fourteen, so it was more like having a best friend I sometimes held hands with at the movies. It fizzled out by the end of the summer, so we decided to just be friends, and we still are." He drums his fingertips on Jongin's back. "Seulgi was kind of a different story."

"Wait, wait, wait," Jongin says, holding up a hand. " _Seulgi?_ You mean to tell me you slept over at your ex-girlfriend's house over Thanksgiving break?"

"Oh, please," Sehun says dismissively. "I don't think of her like that. She's not my ex-girlfriend, she's my best friend that I happened to date for two months before I realized I was gay. Huge difference. Nothing happened, and nothing's ever gonna happen."

"Oh, I didn't mean it like I don't trust you two to be around each other!" Jongin shakes his head. "I'm just surprised you stayed on such good terms."

Sehun snorts. "So am I, if I'm being honest."

"How'd you guys meet anyway?" Jongin asks. "Have you known each other since you were kids, or… ?"

"Nah, she transferred to our school in tenth grade," Sehun says with a little shake of his head, "and it quickly became very clear that she had a huge crush on me, which was kind of alarming because I really liked her, too, but… not in the same way, obviously."

"Obviously," Jongin repeats wryly, tilting his head up slightly so he can see Sehun a little better. "So how did you break the news to her?"

"I… didn't?" Sehun laughs sheepishly. "Okay, you have to understand, if you think I'm shy now, you should have seen me in high school. Sejeong and Johnny were literally my only friends, and everyone else thought I was really standoffish because I was so quiet and—"

"—because of the perma-bitchface, right?" Jongin interjects with a laugh.

Sehun pulls a face at him. "Right. So when you end up with almost the same exact class schedule with the pretty new girl and she's, like… actively nice to you? Naturally, you end up becoming friends. We have a pretty similar sense of humor, and there was this nice tradeoff where I'd fix her trig homework and she'd proofread all of my essays, but maybe a month into the school year she asked me out and I kind of panicked because I couldn't afford to lose any friends, y'know?"

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah, that about sums it up," Sehun snorts. "So I said yes, and I let it drag on for an entire semester, until this one day when we were messing around at her house after school, before her parents got home, and she convinced me to put my hand up her shirt while we were making out… and I kind of had a nervous breakdown and broke up with her on the spot and shouted something about needing to vacuum the house before my parents got home and then I ran out the door."

"Oh my god," Jongin wheezes, all but crying with laughter. " _Boobs_. Your entire worldview crumbled over _boobs_."

"You don't get it!" Sehun protests, flicking Jongin's shoulder again. "You said it yourself—you don't have a preference. But all I could think about was, like, y'know, 'Okay, _now_ it's just under-the-shirt stuff, but what if she wants me to, like…'"

"Fingerbang her? Go down on her?" Jongin gasps dramatically. " _Have sex with her?_ "

"Oh my god, _stop_ ," Sehun moans in anguish. "I don't want to think about her like that! She's practically my sister! Do you want people talking about _your_ sisters like that?"

Jongin shudders. "All right, all right. Point taken."

" _Anyway_ ," Sehun says, "that was sort of the turning point where I realized I really, _really_ didn't want things to go any further than that, and then I started thinking about what I actually _did_ want… which was for the captain of the boys' soccer team to catch me alone in the locker room after gym class and push me up against the lockers and make out with me. But that was one too many revelations for my dumb fifteen-year-old brain to handle, so…" He cringes at the memory. "I ran away."

Jongin makes a sympathetic little noise in the back of his throat. "Well, it must have worked out okay in the end, since you're still friends. Did it take her a long time to come around?"

Sehun shakes his head. "I timed it pretty well, in hindsight. It was right before Christmas break, so I only had to suffer through, like, two days of her giving me the cold shoulder at school, unlike some people…"

Catching the pointed glance Sehun aims at him, Jongin shakes his head with a self-deprecating smile. "I know, I know, I'm the worst."

"But I guess it was a similar situation in that respect," Sehun says, partially thinking out loud. "Like, she wasn't really mad at me. She was just super embarrassed and confused. But I was afraid it would be like that forever, so one day over the break I kind of… snapped."

"Huh, that doesn't sound like you at all," Jongin says with a dry laugh and a roll of his eyes.

"Stop interrupting me," Sehun whines, flicking him again. "Anyway, I just… marched over to her house out of the blue and rang the doorbell nonstop until she agreed to take a walk with me. I explained everything and begged for forgiveness, and there was a lot of crying on both sides, but by the time school started back up we were basically back to normal. It was better after that, though, because I stopped feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack every time we were together. I could just… be myself, y'know?" He sighs. "So yeah, that was the extent of my relationship experience until recently."

"Hmm…" Jongin lifts his head. "Well, I stand by my original statement."

Sehun blinks. "Sorry, I forgot how we even got on this topic."

"I was saying you're good at the boyfriend stuff—looking after me, making sure I don't put myself in the hospital, that kind of thing," Jongin explains with a soft laugh. "You don't have to do it, but you do anyway, and it's just… I don't know, it's nice when someone cares about you that much."

"Of course I care about you that much." Sehun shifts the hand that's not holding the ice pack so he can sift his fingers through Jongin's hair. "I don't do stuff like this because I _have_ to. I do it 'cause, y'know…" It's not the first time he's said it, but his heart thunders in his chest anyway, and his voice drops to a murmur. "I love you."

Jongin's eyes crinkle up at the corners, and Sehun doesn't think he'll ever get tired of seeing that smile of his. "I love you, too," he says, leaning in for a gentle kiss that still manages to leave Sehun short of breath, and Sehun thinks maybe he'll just have to get used to this particular side effect of loving Jongin.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun rolls up to Jongdae's apartment on Saturday evening armed with a backpack full of DVDs and packets of microwave popcorn. He didn't bother to text ahead of time to ask if he could come over, so he's not at all surprised that Jongdae is taken aback when he sees Sehun standing outside the door.

"Uhhh, hey," Jongdae says, pushing a hand through his hair with a puzzled expression on his face. "What's up?"

Sehun shrugs. "I'm bored and Jongin's busy, so I thought I'd come see if you wanted to hang out. I brought, like, movies and snacks and shit."

"Huh." Jongdae continues to block the doorway, squinting at him. "Did Baekhyun put you up to this?"

_Damn it._

Sehun doesn't have to fake the frown of annoyance on his face. "God, you're the most suspicious, untrusting person I've ever met," he grouses, folding his arms. "What, am I not allowed to hang out with you unless Baekhyun gives me permission? I mean, I thought we were friends, but if you're just gonna stand there and interrogate me about my motives, I guess I'll go home."

Jongdae purses his lips and raises an eyebrow expectantly. "That doesn't answer my question."

Sehun pouts, his shoulders sagging. " _Fine_ ," he sighs, hands dropping to his sides. "Yeah, he kind of did. _But_ —" Sehun fishes around in his pockets and unearths a folded twenty-dollar bill from one of them. "—he also gave me pizza money, so are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna let me in?"

Jongdae laughs in spite of himself and steps aside to let Sehun through the doorway. "Well, if he's paying for dinner, I guess I don't mind."

"Are you gonna tell him I let the cat out of the bag?" Sehun asks, leaving his boots by the door and letting his backpack slide down from his shoulders so he can take his coat off.

Jongdae shakes his head. "Nah. I'm, like, ninety percent sure he knows I would have figured it out immediately, anyway. He feels guilty for not being around or whatever, but it's not a big deal."

Sehun follows Jongdae into the living room, where he's clearly been holed up for a few hours— _Skyrim_ is paused on the TV screen, and there's a nest of blankets on the couch and a couple of beer cans sitting on the coffee table.

"Is it really not a big deal, or are you just saying that?" Sehun asks, curling up in the armchair next to the couch.

"I really, truly, honestly do not give one flying fuck about the senior ball," Jongdae says, cocooning himself in his blankets once more before picking up his Xbox controller to save and exit the game, "for multiple reasons. Reason A: That shit is _painfully_ hetero. Reason B: The thought of slow dancing in a room full of people makes me want to curl up and die inside. Reason C: The music is probably going to suck. Reason D: Baekhyun and Chanyeol aren't going. So not having a date to an event I don't even want to attend in the first place is really not the bummer Baekhyun seems to think it is."

(Personally, Sehun thinks slow dancing with someone you love sounds kind of nice, but he puts that aside for now.)

"I think he just wants all of us to be happy, that's all," Sehun says, trying his best to be diplomatic.

Jongdae sighs. "I know. I just— look, I love him, he's my best friend, but sometimes it's like… like he thinks everyone wants what he wants, and if they don't have it, then he does his best to help them get it, which sounds nice until you realize your priorities are totally different from his and he can't unilaterally decide what's best for you."

Sehun fidgets uncomfortably in his seat. "I kinda feel like I've walked into the middle of something here. Do you, uh, want me to go, or… ?"

"What?" Jongdae's eyebrows go up. "No, no, it's cool. I'm not mad or anything, I'm just… trying to make a point, and I guess I'm doing a shitty job of it."

"No, no, you're not. I see what you mean," Sehun says. "Like, Baekhyun would be bummed out if Chanyeol couldn't go to this thing with him, and he knows you miss Junmyeon a lot, so he probably assumed you'd be sad because Junmyeon couldn't go with you when you aren't even upset about it in the first place."

"See, _you_ get me," Jongdae says triumphantly, pointing a finger at him. "Honestly, it's just really fucking boring to be home alone. Not sad boring, but like, almost-called-my-parents-on-a-Saturday-night boring, which is depressing in a completely different way. So I guess it's good you showed up when you did."

"You're welcome," Sehun says with a grin, shielding his face with his arms when Jongdae launches a throw pillow at him for being a smartass.

Stuffed to the gills with popcorn, pizza, beer, and the remnants of Jongdae's stash of Halloween candy, Sehun takes his leave around midnight after having spent several hours just hanging out with Jongdae, talking through movies they'd both already seen, playing a few rounds of _Halo_ , and just generally catching up.

They'd never done that before—all the other times they'd spent time together, it was either with Baekhyun or another group of people, or because Sehun was in the midst of a crisis. He'd never quite grasped exactly how funny and yet introspective Jongdae could be, but over the course of an evening spent talking about whatever popped into their heads—anecdotes from Thanksgiving break and plans for winter break, weird childhood stories, bitching about school, Jongdae's (albeit limited) experience in therapy—Sehun begins to recognize just how lucky he is to have a friend like Jongdae. As much as he loves Baekhyun, and as much as he knows it's important to have friends who support you, he's also starting to understand how important it is to make friends who aren't afraid to challenge you or call you out on your bullshit when the situation requires it. 

Sehun's not sure whether it's the long conversation he'd had with Jongdae, the liquid courage in his veins, or something else entirely that's making him feel this way, but he walks home with a renewed sense of purpose and determination, hoping that Jongin will be home and awake when he gets there. Sehun climbs the steps up to his apartment with just the slightest bit of trepidation, but he steels himself as he opens the front door, a man on a mission.

The lights are on in the living room, but Jongin's not there. Sehun turns to the coathook by the door and frowns as he divests himself of his winter weather gear, seeing Jongin's jacket hanging from its hook. Sehun's socks muffle his footsteps across the carpeting as he peers down the hallway to look for a sliver of light under Jongin's bedroom door, but it's dark and the door is closed, which means he's probably asleep.

Sehun feels his resolve beginning to crumble as he gets ready for bed, and as much as it frustrates him that he gives up so easily in the face of even the smallest setback, he doesn't know how to quell that instinct. He _knows_ that he's not going to feel half as confident about this if he waits until the morning, but it feels incredibly selfish to wake Jongin up out of a sound sleep just to cater to his own needs, especially considering Jongin's been so stressed lately.

Disappointed, Sehun quietly lets himself into Jongin's room. It seems darker than usual, and it takes Sehun a moment to realize it's because the streetlight outside Jongin's window has gone out for some reason. He blinks a few times, as though that will help his eyes adjust more quickly, and shuffles forward in the general direction of the bed, but he misjudges the distance and his left foot connects with one of the legs of the bedframe. He stumbles forward and throws his hands out, catching himself before he can fall face-first into the mattress.

"Mother _fucker_ ," he hisses in utter agony, his eyes watering from the pain.

He crawls onto the end of the bed and pulls his leg up to knead his foot and feel around for blood or broken bones just as the blankets shift and Jongin stirs with a sleepy groan. "Wha' happened?"

"Stubbed my fucking toes," Sehun replies in a low voice. "Go back to sleep. I'm fine."

The breathy whimper and whispered curse that follow when he tries to bend his middle toe suggest otherwise, however, and despite Sehun's protestations, Jongin sits up and reaches over to turn on the small lamp that sits on his bedside table. He takes a moment to rub the sleep out of his eyes and fumble for his glasses, sliding them on before crawling toward Sehun.

"You really don't have to—" Sehun starts, but Jongin shushes him.

"Can you bend them?" he asks, covering a yawn with one hand as he peers at Sehun's toes.

"For the most part, except this one," Sehun says, preemptively wincing as he demonstrates. "Fucking _fuck_ , that hurts."

"Hard to say for sure, but it could be broken," Jongin says. He scoots off the edge of the bed and turns in a circle on the spot as if to get his bearings, scratching his head. He moves around the bed to dig in the drawer of his nightstand and comes up with a roll of athletic tape. Hooking his finger through the roll, he crawls back onto the bed and sits cross-legged, gesturing for Sehun to extend his leg. "I'll buddy tape it for you and you can get it checked out on Monday when the health center's open."

"Thanks," Sehun says, resting his foot in Jongin's lap and watching him tear off a strip of tape. "How do you know what to do for this?"

Jongin glances up with a wry smile as he carefully binds Sehun's middle toe to the second one. "I'm a dancer, Sehun. I've jammed, sprained, and broken my toes more times than I can count."

"Oh." Sehun nods, a smirk tugging at one corner of his mouth. "Well, I guess that explains why your feet are so fucked up."

"Well, we can't all have perfect, unblemished feet that haven't done a day's work in their lives," Jongin says, pulling a face as he wraps another piece of tape around Sehun's toes. "Not so perfect anymore, though," he adds with a smirk. "Oh, by the way—don't be surprised if your toe is black when you wake up tomorrow morning. It probably won't fall off. _Probably._ "

"Shut up," Sehun laughs. "Are you fucking with me?"

"Yes and no." Jongin surveys his work and, finding it satisfactory, lets go of Sehun's foot. "Yes in that it's really not going to fall off, but no in that a severe bruise in an area that tiny is going to look really dark. But I promise it's not gangrene, so don't freak out. Put some ice on it in the morning and keep it elevated and it'll be fine."

Sehun tries to flex his toe experimentally and finds that the buddy taping has completely immobilized it. "Oh, that's so much better already," he says, letting himself fall back toward the pillows in relief. "Thank you."

"It's the least I could do, especially after everything you did for me the other night," Jongin says, scooting back up toward his pillow. He leans over to put his glasses and the tape on the nightstand. "Lights out?"

"Mmhmm." Sehun gets under the covers just as Jongin turns off the lamp, plunging the room into blinding darkness once more. Jongin curls around him, one arm falling around Sehun's waist, and Sehun covers Jongin's hand with his own, lacing their fingers together and giving it a squeeze. "'Night."

"Good night," Jongin murmurs, his breath tickling the back of Sehun's neck.

Sehun lies there for a few minutes, restless, something still weighing heavily on his mind. "Hey, Jongin?" he says finally, hoping he hasn't dozed off yet.

"Mmmyeah?" Jongin responds, and Sehun's stomach does a little backflip when he feels Jongin nuzzle his neck.

"Can I, uh—" Sehun pauses, his heart pounding. "Can I tell you something?"

With a great sniff, Jongin tenses behind him, stretching out his limbs. He sounds a little more alert when he responds. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Sehun whispers, then thinks better of it and rolls over so Jongin can hear him better. "It's nothing bad, I just… don't think I'll be able to sleep until I get it out of my head."

"Okay," Jongin yawns. "Sorry. Go ahead."

"All right." Sehun clears his throat. "So, uh, I don't know if you remember that night a few weeks ago, after Chanyeol's party…"

Jongin chuckles softly. "Yeah, I definitely remember that."

"Not _that_ part," Sehun says, feeling a hot flush run up the back of his neck. "Before that, when we were walking home after the party and you were like… nervous because you thought your joke had upset me?"

"I'm a little hazy on the details, but yeah," Jongin says in a low voice, running a hand up and down Sehun's side. "What about it?"

"Do you remember me saying that I worry a lot?" Sehun prompts him, trying to quiet the part of his brain that's telling him what a stupid and terrible idea this is. "And that I, like… feel kinda crappy about myself sometimes?"

Jongin kneads Sehun's waist through his T-shirt. "Yeah, that sounds familiar."

"Okay, well—" Sehun's heart feels like a battering ram. "That's— that's been a problem for a long time. Like, since before college. And I finally decided to do something about it, because I think I might be depressed and I _know_ I have an anxiety problem and I just— I don't want it to become more of an issue than it already is. So I'm gonna call the counseling center on Monday, and I just… wanted you to know, that's all." He lets out a shaky sigh. "Sorry for waking you up like this, but I knew if I waited until the morning I was gonna chicken out."

It's quiet for a beat too long, and a wave of dread starts to settle in Sehun's gut, but then Jongin sits up yet again to turn on the lamp and lies back down beside Sehun.

"C'mere," Jongin murmurs, reaching out to pull Sehun into his arms, and that gesture alone brings the terror alert in Sehun's mind down from threat level red to threat level orange. He rests his head on Jongin's pillow and watches his face, only mildly apprehensive now.

"So, first," Jongin says, clearing his throat, "it's obvious that this isn't easy for you to talk about, so it… means a lot to me that you trust me enough to tell me." Sehun would normally find the serious look on his face rather disarming, but it's offset by the warmth in his voice. "Second, I know it's really hard to, like… admit that you need help, so I think that's a big accomplishment in itself, and maybe it's kind of lame of me to say, but I'm… I'm proud of you."

"It's not lame," Sehun says softly, his nervousness dissipating. _Threat neutralized._ "It's nice. Thank you."

"Of course." Jongin runs a hand up and down his back and offers him a comforting smile. "Where was I… ? Oh, right. Third—and this is the most important thing, so listen up: none of this changes how I feel about you, all right?" Jongin's nose brushes against Sehun's as he goes in for a kiss. "I hope you know that already, but I figured I'd state it for the record, just in case."

"Oh my god, stop," Sehun whispers, his eyes burning. He claps his hands over his face, certain he's going red. "You're being way too nice to me."

"First of all, no, and second of all, that's not possible," Jongin counters, plucking one of Sehun's hands away from his face with just a trace of exasperation in his smile. "What, you want me to be a dick about it instead?"

" _No_ ," Sehun laughs, blinking the moisture out of his eyes. "But you're gonna make me fucking cry and it's embarrassing."

"Okay, how about this," Jongin says, sitting up just long enough to turn off the lamp again. "I can't see you now, so I'm gonna keep saying nice things to you, and if you happen to get some dust in your eye or your sinuses start acting up, we can just chalk it up to coincidence."

Touched and overwhelmed by affection for Jongin, Sehun whines and buries his face in Jongin's T-shirt. "Fine," he mumbles, his voice muffled. "If you must."

"I must," Jongin says firmly, his hand a comforting presence on Sehun's back. "Anyway, I know this kind of thing is super personal and it's totally fine if you don't want to talk about any of it with me, but I just want you to know that you can, if you want to. I might not totally get what you're dealing with, but I'll do my best to listen and understand and, like… help? If you ever need me to. I'm in your corner, if you want me there. And I give a mean pep talk, just sayin'."

"Of course I want you in my corner," Sehun says quietly, lifting his head to kiss Jongin. He rests his head on Jongin's pillow, their foreheads just barely touching. "I have some shit to figure out, obviously, but I already feel a lot better knowing you're not, like, freaked out by it or anything."

"Of course not." Jongin moves his hand to cup Sehun's jaw. "This doesn't _define_ you. It's just, like… one little piece of the puzzle, y'know?"

"God damn it," Sehun laughs under his breath, chest swelling with emotion. "First you fix my busted foot, now you're being all nice and understanding and shit about my busted brain. Quit being so goddamn perfect! My heart can't take it!"

"No can do," Jongin says with amusement, drawing Sehun in for another kiss. "Think you can sleep now that you've gotten all that off your chest?"

Sehun rolls over to let Jongin hold him again, and he thinks that tonight he might sleep better than he has in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what else to say. they're cute and i love when they're soft at each other. :') i don't know why sehun's all worked up about boobs, though... [they're just sacks of yellow fat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZx5zfkG6oU).
> 
> all i've got for the playlist is a gorgeous little tune featuring lyrics written by a beautiful genius named kim jongdae—that's right, it's "lights out" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/1xEGxyC38Ms7uq5C5jlgXD)]. felt appropriate for that last scene: 내 품에 잠이 들어 / 이대로 깨지는 마요 / 다시 또 아침이 올 테니 / 외로움 끝에선 그대가 / 편히 꿈 꿀 수 있도록 / 오늘은 그만 불을 꺼줘 [Come sleep in my arms / Don't wake up (though I think a more artfully interpreted translation would be "sleep deeply" or "don't be troubled" or something like that, since that's sort of the intent here) / Morning will come again / Your loneliness is at an end / Turn out the lights on today / So you can dream peacefully]
> 
> (speaking of jongdae, s/o to this self-drag: "Not sad boring, but like, almost-called-my-parents-on-a-Saturday-night boring, which is depressing in a completely different way.")
> 
> anyway. chapters 17 and 18 are still, uh, sorta being fleshed out, so i will do my best to get them out in a timely fashion next friday and the friday after that, but i make no promises at this point because it's almost the end of the semester and i have a couple final projects coming up for a class i'm taking that i have to prioritize. but rest assured, they'll be up eventually. (at any rate, the final chapter is just about finished, so that's something.)
> 
> easter is this weekend, so happy easter if you're into that kind of thing. (the only thing happening on sunday in my world is the next episode of game of thrones!!) otherwise... see you next week??? maybe??? or you can hit up my [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals) in the meantime. :)


	17. december 8, a monday • december 10, a wednesday

After limping to and from his morning classes and lunch on Monday, Sehun stops by the health center to have his toe looked at, only to learn that they don't have an X-ray machine and he'll have to go to the walk-in clinic just off campus to have it examined properly.

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me," Sehun mutters darkly under his breath as he walks out of the office.

He's not about to hobble down two flights of stairs, though, so he heads toward the third-floor elevator bank, punching the down button with an unnecessary amount of force. While he waits for the elevator's telltale _ding_ to sound, his gaze falls upon the directory posted above the call buttons—in particular, the line reading _Counseling Center, 4th Floor_.

The elevator reaches the third floor, finally, and the doors open; it's empty.

Sehun sucks in a deep breath and walks through the doors, his finger hovering over the shiny plastic button next to the number 4 for a few seconds before he finally presses it and steps back from the panel, heart suddenly thundering in his chest as the elevator travels up to the next floor. It stops abruptly, and Sehun takes another deep breath when the doors open before he steps out into the fourth-floor lobby. He doesn't have to look far for the counseling center; the door to the office is almost directly opposite the elevator, and he can see into the waiting room through the glass walls that separate it from the hallway.

Steeling his nerves, Sehun lets himself into the office and walks toward the reception desk, stopping next to a little post holding a sign: _To ensure patient privacy, please wait here_. He fiddles with the straps on his backpack and looks around the waiting room as he waits for the receptionist to finish up on the phone and call him forward. There are two rows of chairs facing each other, separated by a coffee table littered with pamphlets, and a couple of large fake plants in the corners of the room. He's not alone in the office, either; there's a young woman sitting in one of the chairs with her head bowed as she flips through a magazine, clearly looking tense and uncomfortable. Sehun can't really blame her—he's starting to feel the same way.

"Hi, sorry about the wait." The receptionist's voice startles Sehun, and he whips his head around to look at her. "Can I help you?"

Sehun steps forward and rests his hands on the counter separating the two of them. "Uh. Yes. I was, uh— I wanted to see if I could make an appointment?"

"Unfortunately, all of the counselors on staff are booked up through the end of term." The receptionist offers him a sympathetic but regretful smile. "Busiest time of the semester, as you can imagine. But I can book something for the start of next semester and put you on the waiting list in the meantime, in case something opens up."

"Oh, y-yeah, that's fine," Sehun says, feeling both faintly disappointed and a little relieved at the same time. "I should have figured you guys would be slammed this time of year."

"Mmhmm. Well, I'll put you on the waiting list for now. Am I correct in assuming that you're a new patient?" Sehun nods and gives her his name and contact information, and the receptionist's mouse clicks repeatedly. "What's your schedule like for next semester? Just want to get a sense of your availability."

Sehun rattles off his schedule, adding, "I'll be back for J-Term, if that helps. But if I have to wait until the spring semester to start, that's okay, too."

"I think we might have one or two counselors around during J-Term…" She clicks around some more. "Bingo. How's that first Friday after J-Term starts? The ninth at 2 p.m.?"

Sehun scans his phone screen and nods, adding the appointment to his calendar. "Works for me."

"Great." She smiles, writing down the date and time on the back of one of the center's business cards and passing it to him. "Make sure to bring your insurance card, and try to get here maybe fifteen minutes ahead of time to fill out some paperwork. I'll be in touch if something opens up before the end of the semester."

Sehun nods and thanks her, sticking the card in his wallet before heading back out to the elevator. He pulls out his phone to check his Facebook notifications and is too distracted to take notice of the person who gets on when the elevator stops at the third floor. Sehun notices absently that the person chooses to stand fairly close to him, leaning against the wall of the elevator just like Sehun is, but he doesn't look up—that is, until the guy decides to start leaning _into_ Sehun.

"Uh, sorry, can you _not_ —" Sehun takes a step to the side and glances up from his phone with a dirty look on his face, but it dissolves into a startled twitch of his eyebrows when he sees Jongin grinning at him. With a tiny smile and a roll of his eyes, he nudges Jongin with his elbow and leans right back against him. "Freak. What are you doing here?"

"Stalking you," Jongin says casually, aiming a sidelong look and a sly grin in Sehun's direction. "Seriously, though, I just had to take care of something at the health center. No big deal."

"Is your leg okay?" Sehun asks, brows pinched together in concern as the elevator doors open and they step out into the ground floor lobby.

"What? Oh, yeah, it's much better. It's still a little sore, but the stretches and the ice packs are helping." Jongin gives Sehun's arm a little squeeze and follows him outside. "How's your toe?"

"Don't know yet," Sehun says with a grimace and a slight roll of his eyes. "For all the fees this goddamn school charges, you can't get an X-ray here. I gotta go get it checked out at the clinic. I was just on my way over there."

"Oh, shit," Jongin says, a sympathetic frown on his face. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"You have class," Sehun reminds him with a soft smile, touched by the offer.

"I know," Jongin sighs and peers down at his watch as they near the fork in the walkway they're on, one path branching off toward the quad, the other toward the library. "Ugh, I should probably get going. I have practice after class, but text me and let me know how you make out, all right?"

Sehun glances at Jongin, nodding in acknowledgment. "I will. You wanna meet for dinner around six?"

Jongin slings an arm around Sehun's shoulders, giving him a squeeze and a peck on the cheek in farewell. "It's a date," he says, grinning over his shoulder at Sehun as he heads in the opposite direction.

Sehun waves him off and walks away, glancing down at his feet for a moment as he touches his cheek, his mouth scrunched into a private little smile. Maybe it's silly to get this sentimental over these tiny displays of affection, but he can't help how he feels. All he can do is hope that he never takes those gestures for granted, that he never tires of them, that they always make his heart skip a beat (or two).

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

As it turns out, Sehun's toe isn't broken after all. This news should have made Sehun happy, but considering he had to hang around the urgent care waiting room for the better part of two hours before he was called _plus_ fork over a fifty-dollar copay for the privilege of spending a mere fifteen minutes with a nurse who simply retaped his toes together and told him to slap some ice on it and take some ibuprofen for the pain, he was mostly just pissed off about the whole ordeal.

"And they didn't even take an X-ray!" Sehun grumbles at Jongin when they meet at the dining hall later that evening, but not before treating him to a long-winded rant about the broken US health care system. "Why do we even _have_ toes? Honestly, what purpose do they serve?"

Jongin takes a swig of water, a wry smile on his face. "I'm gonna assume you're being hyperbolic and you don't actually want me to answer that question." Sehun fixes him with a withering stare and Jongin laughs, reaching across the table to rub the back of Sehun's hand with his fingertips. "Aw, don't be like that."

"Sorry." Sehun sighs and threads his fingers between Jongin to play with them. "And sorry for complaining at you this whole time, it's just— it's been a really annoying day. I mean, first I can't get an appointment at the counseling center until January, and then I wasted all that time today for nothing… god, this is, like, peak Monday bullshit."

"Oh! I remember you said you were gonna try to do that today, the therapy thing. I meant to ask you how that went." Jongin leans in toward Sehun, a sympathetic grimace on his face. "I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. Did you at least get something on the calendar for January?"

Sehun nods, trying not to look as glum as he feels. "They put me on the waiting list, too, but I don't know how far down I am or anything. It just sucks 'cause I wanted to get the ball rolling while I was still feeling pretty good about it, y'know? I just don't wanna, like… lose momentum or whatever. Chicken out. That kind of thing."

"Well, I'm happy to give you a nudge if you want me to, but I'm not gonna force you into doing something you're not totally comfortable with," Jongin says. "If you're looking for the tough love approach, maybe you could ask Jongdae? I know you talk to him about that stuff sometimes."

"Oh, that's a good idea," Sehun says, pulling out his phone to set a reminder to text Jongdae later. "Nothing motivates me like Jongdae's badgering. I mean, that motivation is usually fueled entirely by spite," he snorts, "but that's better than moping all the time, I guess."

Jongin nods slowly and drains his glass, and he gives Sehun a searching look. "Are you gonna be okay in the meantime, though?"

"What? Oh, yeah, don't worry about me," Sehun says quickly, glancing up at Jongin with mild alarm as they both get ready to leave. "I've put it off for this long, I can handle waiting another month."

They drop their trays on the conveyor belt before exiting through the back door of the dining hall and heading out into the frosty evening. Jongin tugs his beanie down over his ears and reaches for Sehun's hand, lacing their fingers together and tucking their joined hands into his coat pocket the way he so often does. Winter isn't all bad, Sehun thinks as Jongin's thumb strokes his own, watching his breath fog in the crisp, cold air and looking up at the pinpricks of light in the cloudless night sky.

"Sorry if I made the whole waiting-for-therapy thing sound worse than it really is back there," Sehun says quietly as he tears his eyes away from the stars, that funny look on Jongin's face niggling in the back of his mind. "I'll be fine, I swear. I'm just in a bad mood today, that's all."

"Yeah, I picked up on that," Jongin says dryly as a smile creeps across his face, widening as Sehun's mouth scrunches into a pout. He reaches over with his other hand to squeeze Sehun's arm fondly. "Anyway, you didn't do anything wrong, so don't apologize, all right? I'm just— I don't know what's, like, average for you, moodwise, so I'm trying to— to get a frame of reference, I guess."

Sehun glances at Jongin out of the corner of one eye, feeling slightly wary. "Why is that?"

Jongin shrugs. "I guess it's because I don't— I don't know what's normal— _typical_ , I mean—and what's not. Like, regular bad day complaining versus, y'know, something more serious?"

Sehun's stomach seizes up, and he's overcome by the urge to run away, to escape, to shut down and curl in on himself. "See, this is exactly what I didn't want to happen," he mutters with a little shake of his head, his chest tightening.

Sehun frees his hand from Jongin's grip and shoves his hands into his own pockets, lengthening his stride as he walks ahead of Jongin toward one of the archways cut into the buildings that line the quad, despite the twinge of pain he feels every time his left foot makes contact with the ground.

"Sehun?" Jongin's voice echoes under the vaulted ceiling of the archway as he tries to catch up. "Sehun, wait!"

 _What's your plan here, dummy? You do realize you're going to the same apartment, right? Where, exactly, are you supposed to hide? What, are you just not gonna go home? You're just gonna bail and let him think he did something horrible when he was only trying to look out for you, just because you're afraid? You're gonna put all this on him and not fucking explain yourself? God, you are_ such _an asshole._

Sehun's made it through to the other side by the time Jongin grasps his elbow. _Stop_ , he wants to scream at himself, feeling almost sick with guilt. _Just fucking_ talk _to him, you idiot._

"Sehun," Jongin says again, and this time Sehun stops and looks at him, _really_ looks at him, and the shock and confusion and concern in Jongin's expression feels like a punch in the gut. "Did I— was it something I said? Are you mad at me?"

"No," Sehun says honestly, miserably, hating himself for letting Jongin think that. He takes a couple steps back and sinks onto one of the ugly alumni-donated park benches lining the path, hunched over with his head in his hands. "I'm mad at _me_."

Jongin stays put for a beat, and then Sehun hears the scuffling of his shoes as he moves to join Sehun, sitting down beside him and tentatively resting a hand on his back. He's quiet for a moment or two, and then he asks, "Do you… do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes? No? I don't know." Sehun sags under Jongin's touch and hangs his head, forearms perched on his knees. "Kinda starting to feel like I shouldn't have said anything in the first place."

"Okay…" Jongin leans forward, sounding unsure. "Seriously, did I say something wrong? I was just trying to be honest, but if I said something insensitive—"

"You didn't," Sehun interrupts him, turning his head to catch his eye for a second before glancing back down at his shoes. "It's just— look, the reason I put off telling you any of this in the first place is because I don't… want you to think differently of me."

"I don't!" Jongin whispers adamantly. "Sehun, you know I don't."

"No, no, that's not— I'm not phrasing this right." Sehun heaves a sigh and sits up, hands falling helplessly into his lap. "You don't think badly of me, I know that. But you do think differently of me, even if you don't realize it."

"I don't—" Jongin shakes his head and drags a hand down his face. "Sehun, what are you talking about?"

"Look, I know it's coming from a good place, but…" Sehun puts an arm around Jongin and rests his head against Jongin's shoulder. "I don't want you to feel like you have to analyze my behavior for, like… clues or whatever. I don't want you to feel like you have to worry at all."

"Isn't that just part of caring about someone?" Jongin sounds genuinely confused. "Are you— do you want me to just stay out of it, or… ?"

" _No_ ," Sehun huffs, rubbing Jongin's shoulder. "I just— I don't want you thinking I'm, like, unstable or something. I mean, yeah, I don't handle stress well. I get nervous easily. I feel kinda sad and empty sometimes. But I'm not—" He sits up and twists his body toward Jongin. "Jongin, I'm not some kind of ticking time bomb."

Jongin's shoulders tense up. "I never said—!"

"I know you didn't," Sehun cuts him off, trying his best to keep his tone light. "I'm not putting words in your mouth, I'm just… trying to explain. Just give me a minute, all right?"

Jongin sucks on his lower lip and nods stiffly, and Sehun takes a deep breath.

"I think, more than anything… I just want to feel… _normal_ , I guess?" Sehun says hesitantly, trying to find the right words. "I want to know what it's like not to have to second-guess everything I say and do, or beat myself up over dumb shit that nobody remembers but me, or waste time worrying about hypothetical situations that in all likelihood are probably never going to actually happen. Because living with that day in and day out is really, really exhausting."

Jongin nods. "Sounds like it."

"Right. So, like… I _know_ your intentions are good, because— because you're a really thoughtful and considerate person. It's one of the things I like about you." Sehun reaches out to hold Jongin's hand, and Jongin offers it readily. Sehun gives it a squeeze even as he averts Jongin's eyes, looking across the smaller quad at the block of administrative buildings nearby. "But knowing that you're worried about what's going on in my head and that you're— I don't know— looking for warning signs or something? That…" He looks down and picks at the inseam of his jeans near his knee, where the denim is beginning to fray. "That makes me feel kind of weird and bad and _definitely_ not normal. Because you're not my shrink, Jongin—you're my boyfriend. And I just wanna feel like a normal person around my boyfriend. That's all."

Sehun grinds the toe of his shoe into the pavement and swears under his breath when he remembers, _ow_ , that fucking hurts. Jongin lets go of his hand just then, and Sehun's heart skips a beat (in the bad way) until Jongin slides an arm around him and pulls him close, his chin propped on Sehun's shoulder.

"I am so sorry," Jongin says softly, his voice colored with regret. "I never even— _god_ , I didn't even consider that angle. I was just trying to—" He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. The point is, you're right. I mean, it didn't even occur to me that I was treating you differently, but I totally was, so… thank you for pointing that out. And I'm sorry that I made you feel so crappy about it." He pauses for a moment and squeezes Sehun's shoulder. "Can you forgive me?"

"Of course." Sehun turns his head, leaning against Jongin's for a moment. "Don't beat yourself up over it. And don't worry about me. I know that's the least helpful advice of all time, I really do, but just… trust me on this one, all right?"

Jongin nods and sits back, letting his hand skim down Sehun's spine. "I will."

"And just for the record… even on my worst days, I've never thought about hurting myself, let alone, y'know—" Sehun fiddles with the zipper on his jacket and stands up, turning back to fix Jongin with a significant look. "—anything worse than that. Not once." He offers Jongin a hand up. "I don't— it's probably weird to bring that up, and I don't even know if that had crossed your mind in the first place, but I just… wanted you to know that I'm not going anywhere."

He trails off with a little shrug, and Jongin slowly deflates, as though he'd been holding his breath until Sehun finished talking. Before Sehun can say another word, though, Jongin's pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around Sehun's shoulders, folding him into a tight embrace.

"Good," he says firmly, the word slightly muffled by Jongin's lips half-pressed into Sehun's jacket. "Good. I think—" Jongin pauses and turns his head the slightest bit, and his murmur comes out clearer this time. "God, it's so dumb, but I think there's a tiny part of me that really needed to hear that."

It sends a bittersweet ache through Sehun's chest to think of Jongin ruminating over something that upsetting, even if it was only for a couple of days. He holds Jongin close and shuts his eyes, feeling like his heart is about to swallow them both whole.

"It's not dumb at all," Sehun whispers. He smiles faintly, ruefully. "In hindsight, I probably should have gotten that out of the way on Saturday."

"Go easy on yourself." Jongin steps back with an incredulous look on his face. "It was the middle of the night."

"Well, Sunday, then," Sehun says with a dismissive flick of his hand. He smiles at the sight of Jongin's beanie, which is starting to migrate off of his head. "C'mere, lemme fix this."

He reaches up to straighten Jongin's hat, but Jongin stops him for a moment, curling his hands around Sehun's wrists. "Seriously, though…" He looks at Sehun with wide, serious eyes. "We're okay, right?"

"As far as I'm concerned, yeah," Sehun responds with a nod and a smile that becomes an impish grin when he yanks Jongin's beanie down over his eyes and nose and a full-on laugh when Jongin splutters and bats at his hands before folding up the brim properly and aiming a fake-out punch at Sehun's chest. "How about you? Are we good?"

"I _guess_ ," Jongin grumbles, but he can't keep a smile off his face for long.

"Good." Sehun takes Jongin's hand and slips them both into his own pocket, gently tugging Jongin in the direction of their apartment. "Now let's go home. It's fucking freezing out here."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun's foot starts feeling noticeably less painful by Wednesday, the day of Jongin's recital, and Jongin's leg is doing much better, too, thanks to those last-minute PT sessions and some judiciously applied kinesio tape.

"Are you _sure_?" Sehun frets anyway as he leans against the kitchen counter that morning, eyeing Jongin skeptically over the mug of coffee held between his hands.

With a good-natured roll of his eyes, Jongin drops his backpack on a chair and reaches back to grab his ankle, staring pointedly at Sehun as he pulls his leg up until the sole of his foot is almost touching the back of his head.

Sehun glowers at him despite being impressed (and maybe a little turned on) by how very limber he is. "Don't look at me like that."

Jongin laughs and slowly lets his foot down, then slings his backpack over one shoulder and walks around the table into the kitchen.

"Give me this," he mutters, carefully taking the coffee cup out of Sehun's hands and setting it on the counter before curling his hands around Sehun's biceps. "All right, listen. We ran through almost everything again last night and I was only a little sore by the end of it. I'll make sure to stretch really well, I'll do the show, and then I have, like, six weeks off. I'll be _fine_. So quit making that face."

Jongin reaches up in an attempt to push the corners of Sehun's mouth up into a smile and snickers when Sehun bats his hands away.

" _Fine_ ," Sehun relents with a sigh and a tiny smile, letting Jongin tangle their fingers together.

"Good. And now I gotta go." Jongin tilts his face up for a kiss and pouts when Sehun merely stands there with a teasing smile on his face for a couple seconds, making him wait a beat before granting it. "I'm not coming home after class lets out, so I'll see you after the show tonight."

"Well, in that case…" Sehun frees his hands so he can pull Jongin into a hug. "Break a leg—and I mean that in the figurative sense _only_."

Jongin laughs as he steps back and slides his free arm through the other strap on his backpack. "Text me when you get to the theater, all right?"

Sehun nods and reaches for his coffee mug again with one hand, raising it to his lips. "Will do. See ya later."

"Mmkay, love ya," Jongin calls blithely over his shoulder as he opens the front door.

Sehun swallows his coffee way too fast. "Love you, too," he coughs, waving Jongin off as the door snaps shut behind him and wondering if Jongin saying those words unprompted will ever stop taking him by surprise.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun meets Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae for dinner in the evening, and together they walk over to the arts center.

"Are you sure we need to be at this thing this early?" Jongdae asks, checking the time on his phone. "I mean, I doubt it's gonna be packed. It's a department showcase, not the spring musical."

"It's six-twenty-five, Jongdae. Doors open at six-thirty, and it starts at seven," Sehun says peevishly. "What, would you have just rolled up at five minutes to seven if you were only here to see Yixing?"

Jongdae shrugs and nods, and Baekhyun elbows him. "Come on," he says in Sehun's defense, "he just wants to get good seats before everyone's parents snap them up."

Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. "Are Jongin's parents coming?"

Sehun shakes his head. "Too hard to drive out here in the middle of the week. I think he was a little disappointed, which made me feel _really_ bad for being sort of relieved about it."

"Oh, shit," Jongdae says with a little grimace. "They still don't know you guys are living in sin, huh?" 

"Nope," Sehun says, popping the 'p' as they enter the arts building. "And I would like it to stay that way until the end of next semester, at the very least."

The four of them pause at the entrance to the auditorium to pick up programs from the student ushers before heading into the theater, Sehun in the lead.

"Looks like the front row is still wide open," Baekhyun comments.

"We are _not_ sitting in the front row," Sehun responds firmly, and when Baekhyun's eyebrows flick upward in surprise, he adds, "I don't wanna look like a stalker!"

"Sehun, he's your _boyfriend_ ," Baekhyun laughs, rolling his eyes. "He's not gonna think you're a stalker."

" _Still_ ," Sehun protests, halting near the third row, where there are still several seats available. "This is as close as I'm getting. I want the aisle seat, though."

"All right," Baekhyun says, looking at Jongdae and pointing down the row. "You first, then Chanyeol, then me. Let's go."

They file into the row and shrug out of their coats, making small talk until just before the show is due to start, when Sehun's phone buzzes in his back pocket. He pulls it out and feels chagrined when he sees a message from Jongin on his lock screen— _i'm gonna assume you're here and you just forgot to text me_. Sehun types out a short message in reply— _sorryyyy 😬but yeah we're here! third row, right side_ —and he's just about to send it when he thinks it might also be nice to send Jongin a photo of his (and Yixing's, Sehun supposes) cheering section. He opens the camera app and switches to the front-facing lens, then holds his phone up, angling it to catch Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae in the frame as well.

"I wanna take a picture of us to send to Jongin," Sehun says, loudly enough for his voice to carry down to where Jongdae is sitting, "so everyone make a normal face on one, two—"

Sehun taps the shutter button a few times, giving the rest of them enough time to catch up and look at the camera. Flicking through the photos, he manages to find one where no one is blinking and attaches it to the text message draft before firing it off to Jongin. He sits rigidly in his seat and stares at his phone, watching the three gray dots on the left side of the screen as Jongin composes his reply, and leans back in his chair with a giddy smile on his face when it comes through.

_glad everyone could make it! curtain's just about to go up. see you after! 🥰_

Seeing his expression, Baekhyun nudges Sehun with an elbow. "What?"

"Nothing," Sehun says, hiding his smile and making sure his phone is on silent before tucking it away. "Show's just about to start."

The house lights dim a few minutes later to enthusiastic applause, and the department director walks out on stage to give a brief introduction and a final reminder to silence their phones before she disappears into the wings and the curtain parts to show the dance company in formation, starkly lit from above with their backs to the audience.

Sehun had attended the showcase the previous year, so he had at least some idea of what to expect, but Jongin wasn't kidding when he said he was performing in multiple pieces. In addition to the opening number and his solo piece, he's in a couple other small group performances and a piece with Yixing. Most of the selections he performs in are on the modern side, with lots of hip-hop and freestyle elements—and not a few hip isolations, which result in Sehun crossing his legs in mild discomfort and Baekhyun jabbing him frantically with his elbow and hissing, "Holy shit, is he _looking_ at you?"

By contrast, his solo dance, choreographed by Jongin himself and influenced by his years of jazz and ballet training, is significantly less suggestive and highlights his agility and lithe frame. It ends with him doing a flying leap into a series of spins, traveling in an arc toward center stage and dropping to his knees in a dramatic pose seconds before the lights go out.

Sehun understands why his piece was scheduled just before the closing act—it's a definite crowd-pleaser, to the point where the audience starts clapping and cheering before he's even finished spinning. Sehun feels so immensely proud of Jongin, so full of love and admiration for him that it seems as if his heart might pop out of his chest like a champagne cork. He claps until his hands hurt, grinning as Chanyeol wolf-whistles and Baekhyun and Jongdae hoot and holler beside him.

After the curtain call and a few final words from the director, everyone starts to file back out into the lobby of the arts center. It's fairly crowded by the time Sehun, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae make it out, but they weave through the throng of friends and parents clutching programs and bouquets of flowers. Sehun spots an empty area near the box office and leads his friends there to wait, texting Jongin their location and rocking back and forth on his heels while everyone waits for the performers to come out from backstage.

"I did not think I was going to enjoy that, if I'm being honest," Jongdae says, scratching his head, "but _damn_ , that was fucking great."

Baekhyun nods emphatically. "It really was. That tap number? Insane. God, I wish I could do that."

"I liked when that group of girls did the sorta _Chicago_ -vibe thing, y'know?" Chanyeol snaps a few times in an imitation of Bob Fosse's choreography style. "And the piece Yixing and Jongin did was unbelievable. How the hell do they _move_ that fast?"

"No need to ask what Sehun's favorite part of that one was," Jongdae snorts as he does an exaggerated pelvic thrust, laughing when Sehun flashes him the stink eye. "I'm kidding. He's crazy talented, though."

Sehun can't help but smile a little as he scans the room for any sight of his boyfriend. "Yeah, he is."

Suddenly, there's a cheer from the opposite side of the lobby, and Sehun glances in that direction to see the dancers coming around the corner from the hallway that leads backstage. He spots Jongin craning his head and looking around and immediately throws one arm up in the air, waving to get his attention. He's certain he looks ridiculous, but the way Jongin's face lights up when he sees Sehun is well worth the embarrassment. He works his way through the swarm of attendees and catches Sehun in a one-armed hug once he's close enough, his other hand clasped around a cellophane-wrapped rose he and each of his fellow performers had received from the director at the end of the show.

"Hey," Jongin whispers, sounding more than a little giddy.

Sehun squeezes him tightly. "You were _amazing_."

Jongin kisses Sehun on the cheek before stepping back from his embrace and turning toward Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae, sliding an arm around Sehun's waist as he shakes his hair out of his eyes. He leans forward to shake hands with the three of them as they lavish him with praise, looking a little flushed at all of the attention.

"I know you guys weren't just here to see me," Jongin says, "but thanks so much for coming, either way."

"Anytime," Jongdae says with surprising sincerity. "It was a lot of fun."

"Oh, hey, speaking of people we came here to see…" Chanyeol jerks his head to the left. "I think I see Yixing over there by the doors."

"Oh, yeah, we should go say hi." Baekhyun smiles at Jongin and Sehun. "We'll get out of your hair. Maybe see you at lunch tomorrow, Sehun?"

Sehun nods and thanks them for coming with him, waving them off before turning to Jongin. "Should we go say hi, too?"

"If you want?" Jongin shrugs. "I kinda just wanna get my stuff and get out of here, though. I'm wiped."

"I bet. I was dizzy just watching you do all those spins." Sehun smiles. "Do you want me to wait here for you, or… ?"

"No, no, come with me," Jongin says, taking Sehun's hand and guiding him through the crowd, which is slowly beginning to disperse. "I left my jacket and my bag in one of the practice rooms downstairs."

Sehun follows him down to the basement level and into one of the private studios. Seeing that it's empty, Sehun tugs on Jongin's hand and nudges the door with his foot until it's almost closed. When Jongin turns around to see why he's stopped, Sehun pulls him into a real hug, arms firmly wrapped around Jongin's shoulders. After a few moments, he steps back just enough that he can look at Jongin and glances down at the flower still held loosely in Jongin's fist.

"I kinda wanted to get you flowers or something, but then I thought maybe that would be weird, so…" Sehun trails off with a little shrug and goes in for a kiss, his stomach flip-flopping at the way Jongin leans into it so readily.

"Mmmm," Jongin sighs, breaking away to nuzzle Sehun's cheek. "Flowers are nice, but this… this is so much better."

And with that, he tosses the rose toward his gym bag, snickering when it hits the floor halfway there. Both hands now free, he steers Sehun backward until he meets the wall and picks up right where they left off, but with a little more urgency this time. Sehun holds Jongin close, his mouth opening beneath Jongin's in response to the teasing swipes of Jongin's tongue against his lower lip.

They make out against the wall for a few minutes, hands clutching at each other's clothing, until Sehun feels the stirrings of arousal deep in his belly and remembers where they are. He eases out of the kiss with a little gasp and has to swallow a moan when Jongin buries his face in Sehun's neck, his lips brushing against the part not quite covered by the collar of his jacket. Sehun closes his eyes and reaches up to pet his slightly sweat-dampened hair as both of them catch their breath.

"You were incredible out there," he murmurs into Jongin's ear. "M'so proud of you."

"Yeah?" Jongin lifts his head, and _god_ , he's got the most beautiful smile Sehun's ever seen. "Thank you." He kisses Sehun ever so softly, and they stand there quietly for a few moments with their foreheads touching, Sehun kneading at Jongin's waist through his T-shirt, until Jongin adds in a whisper, "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Please," Sehun scoffs in a low voice, leaning back against the wall with a skeptical twitch of his eyebrow. "I didn't do anything."

"I'm serious," Jongin says insistently. "My leg would have been so much more fucked up if I didn't have you around to worry about me and make me take it easy. I'm an idiot. I would have tried to power through the pain and I would have been a lot worse off for it, so, seriously, _thank you_."

"Oh." Sehun glances down with a helpless little smile. "You're welcome."

Jongin grins. "Now c'mere and let me thank you some more."

There's a faintly lecherous look in his eyes, and Sehun would _very_ much like to see where this goes, but—

"Wait just a second," he says, putting a hand on Jongin's chest. "I have a bone to pick with you first."

Jongin looks at him with an expression that clearly says, _who, me?_ "What about?"

Sehun laughs and gives Jongin's arm a playful shove. "Did you seriously fucking _wink_ at me when you were doing that one dance with Yixing? Baekhyun practically fractured my arm elbowing me when he noticed."

"I mean, I remember winking," Jongin says with a little smirk. "But whether or not I winked at you specifically kind of depends."

Sehun narrows his eyes. "On what?"

"Well…" Jongin draws out the word for a couple beats as he arches an eyebrow at Sehun. "Did you like it?"

Sehun folds his arms and purses his lips, feigning annoyance. "You know I did, you monster."

"Then I definitely winked at you." Jongin's face lights up with mischief, and he reaches around to slide his hands into Sehun's back pockets. "You shouldn't have told me exactly where you were sitting if you didn't want me to make use of that information."

"You are so—" Sehun cuts off with a soft gasp as Jongin squeezes his ass and leans forward, pressing his hips into Sehun's, his eyes locked with Sehun's the entire time.

"So what?" Jongin asks, slowly grinding into him, and Sehun's just about to answer when he hears noise from close by—clattering and voices in the stairwell.

He freezes and glances at the door in panic, but Jongin, calm as ever, merely pulls his hands out of Sehun's pockets and cups his face, treating him to a brief kiss before he steps back and turns to pick up the fallen rose and fumble around in his gym bag. He pulls a zip fleece over his head and jams his beanie on, then straightens up with his bag slung over one shoulder.

"C'mon," Jongin says with a sly smile, holding out his hand for Sehun to take. "We'll pick this up at home."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

The walk home feels excruciatingly long. Sehun's jeans are uncomfortably tight, and he can hardly think through the accompanying fog in his mind. All thoughts lead to Jongin and the many things he would like to do to (and with) him once they're behind closed doors. The air between them feels electric, and even a touch as simple as Jongin's thumb stroking his own inside Jongin's coat pocket has Sehun _this close_ to jumping out of his skin.

They move briskly, at any rate, each trying to keep up with the other, and soon enough they're hurrying up the stairs and slamming doors closed behind them. Sehun unzips his coat almost as soon as they're indoors and shrugs it off his shoulders and onto the floor, kicking his shoes off along with it. Jongin does the same, dropping his bag on the floor before shedding his zip fleece and sneakers.

"Need a shower," Jongin says breathlessly, and Sehun nods before yanking his sweater over his head, the static making his undershirt ride up and cling to his midriff.

Jongin slides his cold hands up Sehun's back under his shirt, and Sehun writhes in his arms with a soft little whine in the back of his throat as he throws his arms around Jongin's shoulders and kisses him hungrily. Keeping one eye open to avoid tripping over anything, he starts to walk Jongin backwards in the direction of the bathroom. Sehun fumbles for the light switch once they're through the doorway, pawing at the wall until he catches it and the switch for the bathroom fan. Jongin presses him against the bathroom counter and kisses him deeply, reaching down to undo the fastenings on Sehun's jeans. He fondles Sehun through his underwear, teasing him for a few moments and then abruptly breaking away with a sneaky smile, pulling his T-shirt over his head as he turns around before reaching behind the shower curtain to turn on the water.

Sehun takes the opportunity to catch his breath and take off his T-shirt as well, but he holds it to his chest prudishly when Jongin turns back toward him and wolf-whistles.

"God, you're hot," Jongin says, taking the shirt away from Sehun and dropping it on the floor. His hands fall to Sehun's waist and slide down to his hips, tracing along the waistband of Sehun's jeans with his fingertips and tugging at the fabric where it hangs open to frame his (rather prominent) bulge. "You look like one of those Calvin Klein ads."

Sehun snorts. "Think I gotta hit the gym a little more often for that to be true."

"Shut up. You're perfect." Jongin pouts his lips and lightly taps Sehun's arm with his fist. "I mean, do more crunches or whatever if you really _want_ to, but, y'know, I'd buy whatever you were selling regardless."

Sehun smiles, feeling giddy all of a sudden. "Only 'cause you have a big fat crush on me."

"It's true," Jongin sighs, reaching around to slide his hands down the back of Sehun's boxer briefs and squeeze as he goes in for a kiss. "I really do."

"Back atcha," Sehun whispers between kisses as he reaches down to undo the drawstring of Jongin's sweats and slip his hands underneath, pushing them down over the swell of Jongin's ass. His hands settle at the small of Jongin's back, thumbs dipping down to snap gently at the waistband of his underwear until Jongin pulls back with a faint laugh.

"I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something," he says wryly, glancing over his shoulder as if to look at Sehun's hands.

"Yes," Sehun says, leaning into him. "We're wasting water, so we should probably get in."

"Didn't know you were such an environmentalist," Jongin murmurs as he starts to push Sehun's jeans and underwear down.

"Well, California's in a drought," Sehun says with a dry laugh. "Old habits, y'know?"

They divest themselves of their remaining clothing and hop into the shower, Jongin getting under the spray first to wash away the sweat from tonight's exertion. He pulls Sehun into his arms once he's rinsed off, and it's not sweet and tentative like it was the first time—there's a hunger in the way Sehun clutches Jongin's face with both hands and kisses him deeply, in the way Jongin's hands roam as he holds Sehun close to his body, fingertips pressing into his skin.

Sehun's trembling slightly as he stops to catch his breath. Jongin opens his eyes to look at him, and the heat in his gaze makes Sehun's insides squirm with anticipation. He wasn't sure it was possible, but somehow he wants Jongin to fuck him even more so than he did the first time they found themselves in this situation. He's not as petrified this time, however, so carefully, _carefully_ , he kneels, skimming the sides of Jongin's legs with his fingertips as he goes. The tub is uncomfortably hard against his bony knees, but he shifts his attention elsewhere, feeling his heart beating rapidly as he looks up at Jongin, a questioning tilt to his eyebrows as his hand hovers around Jongin's cock.

Jongin blows a long stream of air through his teeth and nods, reaching down to pet Sehun's hair with one hand as Sehun's hand closes around Jongin's erection. Sehun knows just how Jongin wants it now, knows not to grip him too tightly, knows he likes it a little faster on the upstroke and gentler on the downstroke. He glances up as he begins to lap at the tip with his tongue, watching Jongin's expressions and smiling to himself when Jongin's head falls back with a groan at the sight of Sehun slapping the head of his dick against the flat of his tongue.

"Why is that so fucking _hot_?" Jongin wonders aloud, pushing his wet hair out of his eyes as he looks down again. Sehun repeats the motion with a blithe shrug, and Jongin laughs. "God, you're an evil little tease, you know that?"

"I thought you like it when I tease you," Sehun says, all innocence as he drags the head of Jongin's cock along the length of his tongue. "You made a big fuss about it last week, anyway."

Jongin makes a noise that's somehow a laugh, a sob, and a moan all at once. "You're killing me right now."

"I know the feeling." Sehun strokes him with a satisfied smile. "Payback's a bitch."

"Sehun…" Jongin whines, using his free hand to tap the head of his dick against Sehun's lower lip. "Come on, don't be like that. You know I'm gonna take care of you."

Sehun inclines his head with a little shudder of excitement. "Yeah, I know," he says, pursing his lips around the very tip of Jongin's cock for a moment as if to kiss it before fully taking the head into his mouth, his own cock twitching faintly at the breathy moan that slips past Jongin's lips.

Sehun likes having his head patted at the best of times, likes the feeling of fingers sifting through his hair, of getting a really good scalp massage, but there's something about the way Jongin cradles the back of Sehun's head with his palm in this moment that eclipses those, makes him feel good in a different way. Sehun knows that Jongin's more experienced than he is in certain ways, and he finds that less intimidating and more comforting as time wears on. Jongin is patient with him, gentle, undemanding, and enthusiastic when it comes to giving Sehun at least as much pleasure as Sehun tries to give him.

Still, this is still fairly new territory for Sehun, and maybe he's reading too much into it, but the hand on his head feels like recognition of that fact, like an implicit message that Jongin's not going to do anything that would make him feel uncomfortable. It's a small gesture, but some part of it is an expression of love, of _respect_ , and the thought sends a frisson of affection through Sehun's chest as he takes Jongin deeper.

That lack of pressure also gives Sehun some latitude when it comes to testing his own limits, which is why he doesn't stop what he's doing when Jongin tells him he won't last much longer.

"Did you hear me?" Jongin tugs gently on a hank of Sehun's hair, just hard enough to get him to look up. "I'm gonna—" He sucks in a long breath. "Shit, I'm gonna come, Sehun, so you should probably—"

Sehun clutches the backs of Jongin's thighs and takes him as deep as he can without triggering his gag reflex just before Jongin slaps the wall of the shower, crying out as his legs tremble and his cock pulses in Sehun's mouth. Come hits the back of Sehun's throat in little spurts, and Sehun swallows it down, waiting until the movement stops to sit back on his heels, massaging his jaw muscles with his fingertips.

"C'mere," Jongin says after taking a moment to catch his breath, extending his arms and wiggling his fingers at Sehun. "Let me help."

It takes a minute for the two of them to get Sehun off the floor, his stiff knees protesting mightily at the notion of bending.

"You didn't have to do that, you know," Jongin says once Sehun's comfortably leaning against the wall. He takes over the task of soothing Sehun's aching jaw, rubbing circles into the muscles with his thumbs. "Swallow, I mean."

"I know," Sehun mumbles, looking down and feeling slightly abashed. "I just… wanted to try it, that's all."

"Hey." Jongin strokes Sehun's cheek and waits for him to meet his eyes. "I'm not complaining. I only meant, like… look, I don't want you to think I _expect_ that kind of thing, y'know? Like, you don't have to do it ever again if you don't want to."

Sehun allows himself a small huff of laughter. "I guess that's good to know."

Jongin leans into him with a wry smile. "Why? Not a fan?"

Sehun gives a noncommittal shrug. "There are— there are certain things I like about doing it, and it doesn't _taste_ awful, but…" His tone turns apologetic as he pulls a face. "The texture is… not great, if I'm being honest."

Jongin lets out a bark of laughter and clutches Sehun's face in his hands. "You're so cute," he says fondly, kissing Sehun hard on the mouth, loud smacking sound and all. He eases back to see the look of bewilderment on Sehun's face and laughs again, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry—you just sound so _serious_ and it's just… funny."

"Well, I don't know," Sehun says in a petulant, defensive tone, giving Jongin's shoulder a half-hearted shove. "Some guys are sensitive about that kind of thing. I was trying not to be a jerk about it."

Jongin kisses him again and lets his hands fall from Sehun's face to his shoulders. "I know you were. It's cute." Looking amused, he leans in to speak quietly into Sehun's ear. "But unlike those guys, I don't see my dick as the sole source of my self-worth, so, no—" He kisses a spot just below Sehun's ear that he knows to be particularly sensitive. "I'm not offended that you don't exactly _love_ getting a hot load of come down the back of your throat. Kinda had a feeling you wouldn't. I know you're a picky eater."

Sehun wrinkles his nose at Jongin. "Did you really have to phrase it like that?"

Jongin laughs and gives him another kiss. "Seriously, though. You don't have to pretend with me. If you're not a hundred percent into whatever it is we're doing, then I don't wanna do it, 'cause if you're not having fun, I'm not having fun. All right?" He looks expectantly at Sehun, who nods. "Good."

"Oh—speaking of me not having fun…" Sehun glances down meaningfully and raises an eyebrow at Jongin. "I seem to remember you saying something about 'taking care' of me… ?"

"Nothing gets past you, huh?" Jongin teases him, kissing away the pout he gets in response. "I had an idea about that, though."

"Yeah?" Sehun drapes his arms around Jongin's shoulders and noses at his cheek. "I'm listening."

"Well…" Jongin says slowly, slipping a hand between their bodies to circle Sehun's cock. "I could blow you here and now, but all that kneeling might not be great for my leg, so I was thinking we could dry off… get horizontal…" Heat flares in Sehun's belly, and he inhales sharply when Jongin kisses his neck as he begins to stroke him at a leisurely pace. "… make out a little… and then I could blow you while I finger you again, maybe see if I can get a second one in there this time." Sehun gasps softly, and Jongin lifts his head to look at him through half-lidded eyes. "What do you think?"

"That, uh— that sounds pretty good," Sehun says calmly, even as his dick grows impossibly harder in Jongin's fist. "Lemme just, uh, wash up and I'll meet you in your room in, like… five minutes, let's say?"

"Mmkay," Jongin says cheerfully, releasing Sehun with one last kiss. "Try not to get yourself too riled up in the meantime."

He waggles his eyebrows and laughs as Sehun shoos him out of the shower, and as soon as the door closes behind Jongin, Sehun turns and throws his head back under the spray from the shower.

 _But seriously_ , he thinks, glancing down at his uncomfortably hard cock as he reaches back to soap himself up, _don't get any funny ideas._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHE'S ALIVE!!! whew. when i said was gonna need a break, i didn't intend on leaving you guys hanging for the better part of two months. the time kind of got away from me, though, between school and work and my complete and utter inability to focus of late. i told you i wasn't giving up on this monster, but i'm sure you've all been burned before, so if you have given up on me ever finishing this, i get it. i'm not sure how long it'll be before the next update because chapter 18 is still very ??? in my google doc right now and i have to get my sebaek fest check-in out of the way by the 21st, but i'm hoping it won't be another two months (mostly because i have other WIPs i would dearly LOVE to get back to and i can't focus on those with this behemoth breathing down my neck). the final chapter is mostly done; i just have to rewrite a few bits of it to account for some changes i made earlier in the story after writing it.
> 
> there are parts of this chapter i'm not totally sold on, but i feel really good about the first half—all the stuff leading up to the recital, but the scene on the park bench in particular. some things don't bother you until they do, and when they do, sometimes you just want to run away until you can wrap your head around it. most of the time you don't have that luxury. luckily for sehun, however, jongin is a good listener.
> 
> some other dumb notes:  
> \- excuse my editorializing on the state of the US health care system. (i won't bore you with the details, but let's just say being treated for kidney stones in korea was approximately a million times less annoying and inefficient than it was having the next flareup treated here three years later.)  
> \- the drought in california technically ended in march of this year, but the timeline for this AU is still in 2013, so that line still works.  
> \- i 100% plagiarized the finale of jongin's solo from the choreography of the instrumental break of power [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/53YZi9zgTnF0Py0K6ejyWz)], which is why it's on the playlist, lmao.  
> \- the other song on the playlist for this chapter is "don't panic" by coldplay [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/2QhURnm7mQDxBb5jWkbDug)].
> 
> anyway, have a good week! hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or shoot me a message via [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals) if you want to talk about sekai or the upcoming red velvet comeback or the impending chanhun subunit and baekhyun solo debuts or kyoongtube or myongnyongie (or ANYTHING AT ALL please all i do is work my life is so boring)!!!!


	18. finals week | december 13–16

Instead of doing something fun on Saturday night, Sehun is sitting in the middle of his bed bent over his laptop, having hit a rough patch while working on a truly hellish final project for his computer science class. The program he's written keeps crashing because the recursive loop doesn't terminate properly, and he's got approximately thirty-six hours to figure out how to fix the bug, and the clock is ticking. (And on top of that, his professor is making the class take a written final as well, because she might actually be Satan in disguise.)

It is at this moment, when Sehun is approximately ten seconds from throwing his laptop across the room like a frisbee and dissolving into a fit of stress-crying, that Jongin pokes his head into Sehun's bedroom.

"Hey, do you want to go to midnight breakfast tomorrow night?" he asks casually, looking up from his phone. "We just got an email—"

"Can't really think that far ahead right now," Sehun says hotly without looking up, Jongin's interruption getting on his last nerve. "I'm kind of busy trying not to fail this class, in case you haven't noticed."

"Oooookay." Sehun glances up to see Jongin's eyebrows disappear under his bangs. "Duly noted. Sorry to disturb you. Should I close the door on my way out?"

This, of course, makes Sehun feel like _garbage_ , especially after making such a to-do about Jongin snapping at him the week prior. He hunches over, elbows digging into his knees as his head falls into his hands with a miserable groan.

"No," he says, his voice slightly muffled. He sighs and peers at Jongin through his fingers. "I'm sorry. Don't go."

"It's okay," Jongin says, waving a hand like it's clearly water under the bridge to him already. "I should have knocked."

He shuffles into the room and sits down on the bed behind Sehun, putting his arms around Sehun's waist and resting his chin on Sehun's shoulder. "Whatcha workin' on?"

"The same program I've been working on since Thursday," Sehun grumbles. "I have to include a specific number of conditionals and for loops in there and one of them isn't working and it's crashing the whole thing and I just—"

He whimpers in frustration and exhaustion, completely unsure of how to proceed.

"I… don't know what any of that means," Jongin says honestly. "What I _do_ know is that you should probably take a break."

"I can't!" Sehun is frantic as he tries to turn his head to look Jongin in the face, but it's impossible from this angle. "It's due on Monday morning right before my final, which I _also_ still need to study for!"

"I get that," Jongin says calmly, "but you're kinda spinning your wheels right now, and you're not going to get anything done if you're just sitting here staring at screen and panicking. Maybe getting your eyes off of it for fifteen minutes will clear your head a little bit."

"But…" Sehun trails off helplessly, sinking back against Jongin's chest with a sigh of resignation. "Fine."

"Okay." Jongin squeezes him around the middle and gets up, reaching for Sehun's laptop. "So I'm just gonna…" He picks up the computer and walks it over to Sehun's desk, plugging in the charger just to be safe before heading back to the bed. "There we go. Scoot over."

Jongin nudges Sehun's shoulder and jerks his head toward the far side of the bed, and Sehun makes room for Jongin to lie down next to him, turning on his side so they can face each other. Jongin gestures for Sehun to come closer, and Sehun presses his face into Jongin's T-shirt, happy to let his boyfriend hold him for a while.

"Sorry again for yelling," Sehun mumbles, still feeling like a bit of a hypocrite.

"It's really okay. I know you didn't mean it." Jongin sifts a hand through Sehun's hair, fingertips scratching gently at his scalp. "If I didn't know by now that you kind of lose your shit around finals, I'd be a pretty crappy roommate, let alone boyfriend. Is there anything I can do to help? Not to rub it in your face or anything, but finals week won't be too bad for me; I just have a paper to finish and a couple exams to study for."

Jongin's lucky; the pieces he'd choreographed for his performance earlier in the week served as the final project for his choreography workshop, and he's sure to ace the written exam for his course on the history of contemporary dance. (Sehun would hate him for having such an easy finals schedule if he didn't love him so damn much.)

Sehun lets out a short, humorless laugh. "Yeah, can you fast forward to Friday afternoon so I can be done with all of my work?"

"Can't help with that, unfortunately," Jongin says, giving him a squeeze. "And I wouldn't want to, either, 'cause there's exactly one week left until Christmas break."

"Ugh, don't remind me," Sehun groans, burying his face in Jongin's chest. "I know it's only two weeks apart, but still."

"I know. The first few days are definitely gonna suck, but I'm trying to stay positive." Jongin rests his cheek atop Sehun's head. "Two weeks with no class, plus I get to see my niece and nephew on Christmas, which will be super fun, and there's gonna be lots of food, and who doesn't love opening presents?"

"True," Sehun concedes with a little sigh. He does like Christmas, and now that things are going better at home, he is sort of looking forward to seeing his family again. And it'll be good to catch up with his friends, not to mention Johnny's annual New Year's Eve party is always a highlight of winter break. Which reminds him: "Aw, shit."

"What's wrong?"

"I just realized I'm not gonna have anyone to kiss when the ball drops on New Year's," Sehun says, dismayed. "Not that that's any different from every other year of my life, but if we weren't three thousand miles apart…"

"Oooh, you're right. I hadn't thought about that." A soft, contemplative noise sounds in Jongin's throat. "We could FaceTime, maybe? I mean, we can FaceTime every day over the break, if you want, even if it's only for a couple minutes. Or, better yet, we could just preemptively make up for lost time…"

Sehun leans back to look Jongin in the eye, and sure enough, he's waggling his eyebrows. Sehun rolls his eyes and smiles, tilting his face up expectantly. His heart stutters in his chest when Jongin holds his face in both hands as he draws Sehun in for a tender kiss, brief but sweet.

"Or we could always take a rain check until my birthday," Jongin continues with a satisfied smile, settling back down beside Sehun, one hand sliding under the pillows while the other rubs Sehun's arm.

"Oh, yeah, that's coming up soon." Sehun sucks on the inside of his cheek. "I gotta think of something to get you."

"You don't have to get me anything," Jongin protests. "I'm just happy I get to spend it with you."

Sehun smiles and snuggles closer to Jongin, stealing another kiss. "I know I don't _have_ to," he says, "but I want to. Unless you're really opposed to exchanging gifts for some reason. And on that note, I haven't gotten you anything for Christmas yet 'cause I wasn't sure if I should."

"That's okay. I haven't gotten a present for you, either." Jongin looks a little relieved. "I'm not opposed to exchanging gifts at all, but…"

Sehun raises an eyebrow at the hesitance in Jongin's expression. "What?"

"Well, I had something different in mind," Jongin says slowly. "It's not a big deal— well, I shouldn't say that, 'cause it's kind of a big deal, but it's not— we don't have to make it _weird_ or anything, and obviously I don't wanna do it if you're not ready—"

"Spit it out already," Sehun interrupts him, the buildup to whatever Jongin's about to say sending his heart rate through the roof.

Jongin screws up his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it all out at once. "I was thinking maybe we could have sex on my birthday."

Sehun blinks, quiet for a few moments as he takes in Jongin's proposition. " _Oh._ "

Jongin opens his eyes and fumbles for Sehun's hands, gripping them with his own. "If you feel ready for it, I mean. And it's totally okay if you don't. I don't want to pressure you into—"

Sehun cuts him off with a soft shushing sound and a tiny smile. "I don't feel pressured, so you can stop freaking out now. I mean, your birthday's, like, what, a month away? Can't imagine why I wouldn't be good to go by then."

If Sehun's being honest, he's a little disappointed—it seems like such a long time to wait, especially since they won't be seeing each other at all for half of that span of time. But if Jongin wants to hold off until after they get back from break, Sehun's not about to question it.

"Well, I'm just saying, it's okay if you're not," Jongin reiterates, tilting his head down to kiss Sehun's forehead. "And it was just a suggestion. We can talk about it more over the break. I just… figured I'd mention it, since it came up."

"You don't have to explain it to death," Sehun says with a wry smile, freeing his hands so he can hold Jongin's face. "That's my job."

"I know," Jongin laughs, pausing to let Sehun peck him on the lips. "You're being so chill right now. Are you Sehun's evil twin?"

" _No_ ," Sehun says haughtily, pinching Jongin's cheek. "It's just that if I get too worked up about _anything_ right now it's going to turn into a fucking panic attack about this project, and then I really won't get anything done tonight."

"Well, I am more than happy to help you blow off some steam," Jongin says in a suggestive tone as he gets up. "But you should get some work done first."

" _Fine_ ," Sehun groans, sitting up. "I don't think I can totally finish it tonight, not unless I suddenly turn into some kind of genius, but—" He glances down at his watch. "—I should probably put at least another hour into it."

"I think I can stay awake at least that much longer," Jongin says with a sly smile, stepping forward to hold Sehun's face in his hands as he leans in for a kiss. He pulls back afterward, just enough that Sehun can see him smile without crossing his eyes. "Is that enough motivation for the time being?"

Sehun pushes his luck, holding up his thumb and index finger a short distance apart. "I think I need a smidge more."

Jongin laughs and kisses him deeply this time, one hand sliding down Sehun's neck as his tongue flicks against Sehun's lower lip. Sehun's hands slip under the hem of Jongin's T-shirt, fingertips kneading the small of his back, but Jongin pulls away just as a soft moan passes Sehun's lips.

"Get to work," Jongin whispers, stroking Sehun's cheekbone with his thumb, then steps back and turns to leave the room.

"Bastard," Sehun yells at his retreating back, and the laugh he gets in return inspires him to focus out of spite. _We'll see who's laughing when I'm done with this._

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun lies awake later that evening, hit with another bout of stress-induced insomnia. Even with Jongin pressed against him, clad in nothing but his boxers, he can't seem to relax.

Somehow, he felt even more keyed up after his impromptu cuddle session with Jongin than he was before Jongin had interrupted him. He tried his damnedest to focus on his coding project, and he did make some headway with one of the bugs, but he gave up for the night after wasting another hour on it, hoping a hot shower, an orgasm or two, and a good night's sleep would refresh his brain.

The frustration with his schoolwork lingered at the forefront of his mind, however, making it difficult for him to stay present when he finally took Jongin up on that offer to help him blow off some steam. It took him an embarrassingly long time to finish, and he almost called it quits on that, too, but Jongin held him and kissed him and whispered reassurances to him until Sehun trembled in his lap and spilled over his fist. Even after they'd cleaned up, he'd held Sehun and nuzzled at his neck until he'd gotten too drowsy to continue, falling asleep with his arm wrapped securely around Sehun's waist.

Normally, that's more than enough to help Sehun drift off, but not tonight. And he can't even pin it wholly on the staggering amount of work he has to finish by next Friday. No, what's got him so wound up is Jongin's birthday plans, and Sehun is even more frustrated about the whole thing because he knows he's being fucking _stupid_. All those hours he's whiled away thinking about having sex with Jongin, and now that it's a tangible reality, _now_ he decides to freak out about it?

It's not the act itself that scares him, really; it's just… all of the emotions tied to it. It's one thing for sex to suck the first time it happens—and Sehun _is_ nervous about that—but it's the association with a date that is personally important to Jongin that makes dread well up in Sehun's chest. He gets it, of course—Jongin wants it to be significant for _both_ of them—but the point remains that having sex for the first time wouldn't be half as nervewracking if Jongin didn't want to do it on his fucking _birthday_. There's just so much that could go _wrong_.

 _What if it's bad? What if I'm bad at it? What if I don't like it? What if_ Jongin _doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it again? What if I completely ruin Jongin's birthday forever because I'm just that horrible? What if it's so bad it turns him off guys altogether and he breaks up with me? What if—_

Sehun grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to make a sound, even though there's a scream building up in his chest and he feels like he can't breathe and he can't calm down. Slowly, carefully, he curls a hand around Jongin's wrist and gently lifts his arm, moving it just enough that he can sneak out of bed without rousing Jongin.

Sehun slips out of the bedroom and goes into the bathroom, fumbling blindly in the dark for a washcloth, and when he finds it he soaks it in cold water from the sink and buries his face in it for a minute, breathing deeply. When he no longer feels like there's a keg of dynamite about to explode out of his ribcage, he wraps the damp cloth around the back of his neck and tiptoes into the kitchen for a glass of water before fetching his laptop and textbook from his own bedroom and camping out in the living room.

The cold makes him feel a little sharper, more alert, and Sehun thinks that maybe what he needs right now is a distraction, something else to fixate on—and if Jongin was able to distract him from his project for a while, maybe the project will distract him from Jongin, too.

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Sehun wakes up to sunlight streaming through the living room window and the smell of coffee in the air. Disoriented, he slowly sits up to see his laptop sitting open on the coffee table, in sleep mode but plugged into the charger. He has a vague recollection of saving his work and putting the computer down so he could stretch out and rest his eyes for a few minutes because the brightness was starting to hurt, and then… he must have fallen asleep. Sehun yawns and glances down at his lap to see the blanket pooled there, but he knows that wasn't his doing.

 _Jongin_ , he thinks, smiling to himself as he wraps the blanket around his shoulders like a cloak before heaving himself off the couch and wandering into the kitchen in search of caffeine and sustenance and a certain boyfriend.

"Oh, you're up," Jongin says as Sehun enters the kitchen, looking over his shoulder with a little smile as he pulls down a couple of mugs from the cabinet above the coffee maker and nudges it closed with his elbow. His glasses are sliding down his nose a little, and his hair is matted on one side and sticking up comically on the other, and Sehun has to bite back a laugh. "Sleep well?"

"Not at first," Sehun says through a yawn, shuffling forward to wind his arms around Jongin's shoulders from behind, enveloping him in the blanket as he props his chin on Jongin's shoulder. Keeping the whole narrowly-avoided-panic-attack episode from late last night to himself, he adds, "I was having a hard time falling asleep, so I figured doing a little more work would tire me out. I got kind of a second wind on my project, though… y'know, before I fell asleep, anyway."

"Hey, that's great." Jongin turns himself around in Sehun's embrace and loops his arms around Sehun's waist. "Were you able to finish the part you were stressing out about?"

"Not completely," Sehun says, "but when I was googling and trying to figure out a workaround, some stuff from Stack Overflow came up and I was just, like, 'Oh, _duh_! Post about it there!'" Sehun shakes his head at himself. "I mean, that might be considered cheating, but I'm kinda past caring at this point. Worst case scenario, no one responds before Monday and I just delete the lines that don't work and take the small hit to my grade. At least that way I'm not wasting time I could be spending studying for the written final and my other finals."

"Sounds like a plan." Jongin slides his hands up and down Sehun's back. "Now, don't bite my head off or anything, but does this mean we can go to midnight breakfast tonight?"

Sehun pouts at Jongin for a moment, but he can't stop himself from cracking a smile when Jongin laughs. "I said I was sorry about that," he whines, still pulling a face in protest.

"I know." Jongin grins. "I just like messing with you."

" _Clearly._ " Sehun pretends to pound Jongin's chest with his fist. "But yeah, I wanna go. It'll be a nice break from studying. Although I don't think eating a ton of carbs at 1 a.m. is going to make it easy to get out of bed tomorrow morning."

"Probably not," Jongin says, considering, "but that's not gonna stop you from housing a Belgian waffle and a Western omelet anyway."

Sehun grins. "You're damn right it's not."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

Jongin was right, and then some—not only are there waffles and omelets involved but also Sehun somehow manages to find room in his stomach for a cinnamon raisin bagel after all that. Somewhere in between all of the eating and talking, Sehun finds a moment to text Baekhyun under the table.  
  
---  
  
Baekhyun pulls out his phone and looks at the notification on the lock screen for a second, then glances across the table at Sehun, one eyebrow slightly raised. He unlocks his phone and starts typing, and a few moments later, Sehun's phone buzzes in his hand.  
  
---  
  
Sehun's eyes flick upward and he stares daggers at Baekhyun, who is trying very hard not to laugh.

|   
---|---  
  
Sehun looks up, and suddenly it's too quiet and everyone else at the table is looking at them. The back of Sehun's neck runs hot.

Jongdae glances between Sehun and Baekhyun with an expectant look on his face. "Feel like sharing with the class?"

"We're not talking shit about you, in case you were wondering," Baekhyun snorts. "Sehun had a question about something and he texted me so he didn't forget before he went into a food coma, that's all."

Jongdae looks skeptical, but he shrugs and doesn't pursue it. "Whatever."

"Speaking of food comas…" Jongin stretches his arms over his head with a little squeak and lets one fall around the back of Sehun's chair as he lowers them. "I'm really tired. You about ready to leave?"

"Yes, but I can't get up," Sehun groans, listing to the side so he can put his head on Jongin's shoulder. "Help."

"This is a transparent attempt to cuddle with your boyfriend in public," Jongdae says flatly, pointing toward the entrance of the dining hall. "Get out."

Sehun's eyes snap toward Jongdae, and he frowns. "Every time I think we're friends, here you go again, being mean to me."

"Oh, man," Chanyeol laughs, shaking his head. "Are you kidding? It's a million times worse when you're his friend. Don't feel bad." He reaches over and messes up Jongdae's hair and snorts at Jongdae's whimper when he tries to punch Chanyeol's arm in retaliation, forgetting that Chanyeol has those big, beefy rower's biceps. "It just means he's comfortable around you."

Baekhyun puts a hand up to the side of his face so Jongdae can't see him mouth, _And he's jealous_ , holding the thumb and forefinger of his other hand close together as if to add, _just the littlest bit_.

Well, that just makes Sehun sad. "Fine," he sighs, sitting up and bracing his heels against the linoleum flooring before pushing his chair back. "I gotta get some sleep, anyway, or else my CS final is going to kick my ass tomorrow afternoon."

"Good luck!" Baekhyun crosses his fingers on both hands. "See you Tuesday night, if not before then."

Sehun nods, and he and Jongin say their farewells before heading out into the small hours of the night, their joined hands tucked snugly into Sehun's coat pocket.

"What's happening on Tuesday?" Jongin asks, and Sehun's heart flies into his throat for a second.

"Ah, nothing, really," he says with a shake of his head. "It's just the only day where both of us had some free time before the end of the semester, so I was just gonna swing by and hang out for a while. Probably won't be there more than a couple hours 'cause I have an exam Wednesday morning I should probably do a last-minute review for."

"I hope that's not the only time you're reviewing the material," Jongin says with a wry smile.

"Well, you know me." Sehun flashes him a similarly ironic smile with a self-deprecating roll of his eyes. "I love to be stressed out."

⭑ ⭒ ⭑

_God_ , Sehun hates to be stressed out.

He's had a low-key stomachache since the weekend, and not because of the way he'd gorged himself at midnight breakfast (though that certainly didn't help matters). Everything is so confusing right now—or, perhaps, not _confusing_ so much as Sehun's entire essence feels unmoored and unsettled and unsure of how to proceed.

He knows what he wants, of course, knows that he is head over heels for Jongin, but he just… doesn't know how to talk about sex in a normal way that doesn't make him feel totally embarrassed. His parents gave him The Talk, of course, which was both a) _mortifying_ , and b) not the one he actually needed, though he hadn't quite figured that out at the time. Everything he learned after that point came from friends, from the internet, or from personal experience, but none of that knowledge made him any less bashful where discussing sex was concerned.

"Well, I mean, that's understandable," Baekhyun says when Sehun explains all of this to him and Jongdae on Tuesday evening. "We live in a backwards society where the entire fucking economy revolves around using sex to sell consumer goods and yet demonizes anyone who actually _has sex_." Baekhyun rolls his eyes. "And that's just for the straights. I mean, god forbid anyone engage in anything other than strictly hetero, married, missionary-style sex through a hole in a sheet for procreative purposes. 'Cause then you're not just a slutty fornicator, you're an abomination! A perversion of nature! A corruption of—"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Sehun interrupts him. "'Cause it doesn't, FYI."

"He's got some hyperreligious shitheads in his extended family," Jongdae mutters as an aside. "Sometimes he gets a little carried away."

"What I'm _saying_ ," Baekhyun huffs, "is that we've all done our share of internalizing the shame that our culture encourages around sex. Maybe you can't think of a specific example, or you never really thought about it at all, but years and years of media messaging and casual everyday homophobia have warped you into thinking that you should be ashamed of wanting to bone down with your super hot boyfriend. Well, I'm here to tell you: that shit stops now. What do I always say?"

Sehun looks at him blankly, and then glances at Jongdae, who shrugs, like, _I have no idea where he's going with this_.

Baekhyun sighs. "Hot people should always be fucking," he says loudly, clapping for emphasis after each word.

"And yet here we are with our clothes on," Chanyeol sighs as he walks out of the kitchen and flops onto the couch, beer in hand.

"Can you fucking believe he was my first friend here?" Jongdae says to Sehun, gesturing at Chanyeol with a shake of his head. "'Cause I sure can't."

"Yeah, until Baekhyun stole you away from me," Chanyeol pouts. He brightens up after a moment. "But I got the last laugh, 'cause then I stole _him_ from you."

Jongdae smirks. "It's not stealing if he gives it away for free, Chanyeol."

Baekhyun makes an indignant noise, and Sehun snorts loudly and grins at his sour expression. "What? Come on, that was a good burn."

Jongdae fistbumps Sehun and blows on his fingernails, self-satisfied. "What?" he says to Baekhyun, echoing Sehun. "Blame your dumbass boyfriend for the great setup."

" _Anyway_ ," Baekhyun says with a shake of his head, "as I was saying… there's nothing wrong with wanting to bang it out with Jongin. I mean, he already said he wanted to! You're just scooting the date up a little bit. I guaran-damn-tee you he's not gonna pass that up."

"Yeah, but, like…" Sehun squirms. "What if it's _bad_? What if he doesn't like it?"

Baekhyun tilts his head, puzzled. "Wait, is _he_ bottoming?"

Sehun frowns in confusion. "What? No. Why would you ask that?"

Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Chanyeol all laugh. Sehun folds his arms and waits for an answer.

"Oh, you sweet, naive baby," Baekhyun sighs, holding Sehun's face in his hands and squishing his cheeks. "He's gonna like it just fine."

Sehun bats his hands away. "And you know that how, exactly?"

"Uh, because topping fuckin' rules?" Jongdae pipes up with a mildly derisive snort. "Duh."

Chanyeol laughs. "How would you know?"

"Because Jun—" The combative look on Jongdae's face morphs into a wince as he realizes what he's done. He closes his eyes, shoulders sagging. "Shit."

" _No._ " Baekhyun's mouth drops wide open in shock, and he points an accusatory finger at Jongdae with a certain amount of glee in his eyes. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."

Jongdae waves the first two fingers of his right hand in an arc between himself and Baekhyun. "You heard nothing. You're going to forget I said anything and go back to talking to Sehun."

"Don't fucking try to Jedi Mind Trick your way out of this," Baekhyun says with an incredulous laugh. "When?"

"Hi," Sehun says loudly as Jongdae opens his mouth to respond, pointing his index fingers at himself. "I am having a _crisis_ here, in case you forgot!"

Chanyeol is still trying to stifle a laugh, but Baekhyun looks appropriately chastened as he reaches out to squeeze Sehun's hand. "I know, I know, I'm sorry," he says in a soothing voice. "But Jongdae is right. The person who's doing the fucking is almost always enjoying themselves. It's bottoming that's the tricky part." Seeing the troubled expression on Sehun's face, he changes tack: "I mean, it's not _hard_ ; you don't have to do that much, really—"

"Stop right there," Jongdae says hotly, holding up a hand to silence Baekhyun. "What do you _mean_ , 'you don't have to do that much'?" He hitches a thumb over his shoulder at Chanyeol and shakes his head. "I knew you were lazy, but I hope for his sake you aren't just starfishing all the time."

Baekhyun clutches his chest, affronted. "How dare you."

"I didn't say anything!" Jongdae retorts. "All I'm saying is, don't lie to the kid! If he's gonna bottom, he's gonna do it the right way or not at all. A good bottom never half-asses it."

Jongdae grins, evidently pleased with himself, and everyone else groans.

"I don't need a fucking play-by-play," Sehun grumbles. "I just don't want him to dump me because I'm bad in bed."

"God, you really have _no_ concept of how much he cares about you." Jongdae shakes his head. "Listen to yourself. Does that sound like something he'd actually do?"

Sehun looks down and twists a small bundle of carpet fibers between his fingers. "No."

"Exactly. And even if—hypothetically speaking—you weren't great at it," Jongdae continues, holding up a finger when Sehun opens his mouth to interrupt, "that is an incredibly easy problem to fix. You just ask him to show you what he wants you to do. That's all. Besides, you automatically get a free pass the first handful of times because you've never done it before. So." He fixes Sehun with that piercing gaze of his. "What are you _really_ worried about?"

"I don't know…" Sehun falls backward onto the carpet and covers his face for a moment as he takes a couple deep breaths, then drags his hands down his face and rests them on his abdomen. "I guess… what if _I_ don't like it? Like, what if I decide this isn't what I want? We can't just… rewind and pretend it didn't happen. Once we cross that line, that's it. We can't just go back to being friends."

There's a soft grunt from the couch as Chanyeol sits up. "Can I say something?"

Surprised, Sehun pushes himself up on his elbows. "What?"

Chanyeol leans forward, arms folded and propped against his knobbly knees. "You were never going to be able to go back to just being friends, Sehun, and if you still think that's a possibility, then you're fooling yourself."

The kindness in Chanyeol's voice offsets the brutal honesty of his words, but Sehun's eyes sting a little bit anyway. He sits up properly and worries at the carpet with his fingertips again, eyes downcast. "What makes you say that?"

"Personal experience," Chanyeol says simply. "I don't have all the details here, so correct me if I'm wrong, but you were into Jongin for a really long time before you found out he felt the same way, right?"

Sehun glances up, and seeing the tenderness and understanding in Chanyeol's expression (and the similarly soft look on Baekhyun's face) brings with it the dawning realization of exactly what he means by "personal experience." Sehun nods.

"So… yeah." Chanyeol shrugs. "He wasn't ever 'just a friend' to you to begin with. You passed the point of no return the second you found out he liked you back. You just didn't realize it at the time." He offers Sehun a hopeful smile. "Does that take some of the pressure off?"

Sehun takes a moment to think about it. He's spent the last couple months channeling so much mental energy into the significance of having sex, when the truth is that Sehun gave his heart to Jongin the second Jongin took him in his arms and kissed him for the first time; maybe even before that. Jongin's had the opportunity to break his heart fifty times over since then, and he hasn't, not by a long shot. And in the meantime, they've done just about everything you _can_ do without doing the deed itself—and every single time, Sehun finds himself wanting more of Jongin, _all_ of Jongin. It's only when he's not in the moment that he starts to second-guess himself. But now he feels like he's seeing more clearly, like some kind of mental fog has lifted, and that clarity is… liberating.

"Yeah," Sehun says, and he's almost surprised at the relief in his voice. "Yeah, it— it really does." He looks up, still half-lost in thought. "Thanks, Chanyeol."

"Anytime." He smiles at Sehun, then looks back and forth between Jongdae and Baekhyun, who are both staring at him, puzzled. "What?"

"Nothing," Jongdae says, shaking himself out of it. "I just… wasn't expecting you to drop that kind of wisdom all of a sudden."

Baekhyun nods, gazing at Chanyeol in wonder. "I can't believe I didn't see the parallels until just now. All this time, we should have just told Sehun to talk to you."

" _Seriously_ ," Jongdae says emphatically, a cheeky glint in his eyes. "How many hours of my life have I wasted listening to his whining when I could have just foisted him off on Chanyeol?"

Sehun's too relieved to be annoyed at him. "Please," he says dismissively, leaning over and flinging his arms around Jongdae and resting his head on Jongdae's shoulder. "Don't act like you don't love the attention, tiny hyung."

He smiles and closes his eyes, Jongdae's wriggling and threats of violence falling away for the moment as Sehun lets himself bask in an emotion he hasn't felt in quite a long time: optimism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5k_arVcqR8) Y'ALL!!!! this is it!! the penultimate chapter!! one more to go! chapter 19 is mostly done, but thanks to me writing out of order and coming to some realizations in this chapter in particular, the final installment requires a little more rewriting and polishing. but i'm hoping to have it up before the end of the week. (HOPING. i got some stuff going on after work this week and then i have to go out of town for a funeral starting thursday, so at the latest i'm aiming for next sunday.)
> 
> it's really amazing how the beagle line/sehun convos come together so easily for me. i love writing those and all their little interruptions and asides. pardon my editorializing on shame and human sexuality (again), but it's IMPORTANT!!! and sehun needed to hear it. also, baekchen being like "holy shit chanyeol is WISE, we should have had him doing this the whole time" is 100% writer proxy because i literaLLY DIDN'T SEE THE PARALLELS UNTIL I WROTE HIS SPEECH. (if you haven't read the rest of my uni au, chanyeol is to sehun as baekhyun is to jongin. unsure as to whether this is serendipity, intellectual laziness on my part, a fairly common life experience, or some combination of the three.)
> 
> sehun's problems with his computer science final project are the reason why i only took one "real" CS course and then just stuck to photoshop and flash animation. recursion went RIGHT over my head. (i realize now i didn't really resolve this in the text, but in case anyone was wondering: someone on stack exchange explained to him where he went wrong in terms he could understand, so he was able to fix the broken code in his assignment, and he did reasonably well on the written exam, too. he is a Smart Cookie.) also, that scene with him and jongin cuddling was always planned, but i was heavily inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/seqais/status/1141360011358044161) while fleshing out the details. WHEW.
> 
> a note for my non-american readers: midnight breakfast is a thing that a lot of colleges do right before finals week starts, where they open the dining hall really late at night and serve breakfast (and a lot of times, it's professors doing the serving). it's a fun little tradition. (maybe they do this elsewhere in the world as well? but i figured i'd explain just in case.)
> 
> i have only one song for the playlist this week, and it's the perfect song for sehun's spiraling thoughts in this penultimate chapter of our tale: "[they never know](https://open.spotify.com/track/3McXg4JBxvClUddeWszOsy)" by EXO.
> 
> anyway, i'm gonna shut up and post this now. thank you to everyone who's been reading this since i started posting it in january!! if you're just catching up, leave a kudos and a comment if anything Speaks to you, or feel free to hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or drop a note in my [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals).
> 
> p.s. how much do we fucking LOVE [bbh's new mini album](https://open.spotify.com/album/6AeMj5CMeTXRGhmUuv0LH3)? a) a lot b) tons c) the most d) I WOULD DIE FOR HIM (correct answer: all of the above)


	19. december 19, a friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for sticking with me for this long. this is the final chapter. (FINALLY!!!) more notes at the end; just wanted to say this is where we really earn that explicit rating, fyi! so maybe don't read this in public, lmfao.
> 
> also, a note for my non-american readers: AP stands for "advanced placement"; it's a type of high school course with an accompanying end-of-year exam developed by the college board, the same company that administers the SAT every year. they offer them in pretty much every subject under the sun and if you do well enough on the exam (scoring a 4/5 or 5/5), you can sometimes get college credit for them. (this isn't really important, it's just some context for a throwaway joke, lmao.)
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) | [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)

The only thing Sehun has to do on Friday is submit his final paper to his lit survey professor by noon. He feels more grateful than usual that he doesn't actually have to sit through an exam, mainly because he's absolutely certain he'd tank it, so fixated is he on the fact that it's the last day before winter break, before he and Jongin go their separate ways for two weeks, and he still hasn't told Jongin he doesn't want to wait until after break to have sex.

 _How are you even supposed to start that conversation?_ Sehun thinks as he and Jongin sit on the couch watching TV on Friday evening. _"Oh, how'd your last final go? That's good, that's good… so, uh, hey, those plans you were thinking about for your birthday… thoughts on moving them up a little? Like, to tonight, perhaps?"_

Sehun tilts his head, considering. _Actually, that's not a terrible start._

Jongin puts a hand on his knee just then, and Sehun jumps, startled out of his thoughts.

Jongin slowly withdraws his hand and lets it hover over Sehun's leg, his eyebrows creeping toward his hairline. "Everything okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah." Sehun shakes his head with a little huff of self-deprecating laughter and takes Jongin's hand, trying to figure out a way to open the door, so to speak. "I was just thinking about something and forgot where I was for a sec."

"Yeah, I could tell," Jongin snorts, giving Sehun's hand a squeeze. "Need to get something off your mind?"

"No, no, just… thinking about stuff I gotta do before I go home," Sehun says with a slightly shaky sigh, feeling a little jittery as he leans against Jongin.

"Aw, c'mere," Jongin says fondly, releasing Sehun's hand so he can put an arm around his shoulders instead. "I'm bummed out about going home, too."

"That's not exactly what I meant," Sehun says, but then he realizes how it sounds and backtracks, trying not to trip over his words. "I mean, I am feeling a little down about it, but I was— I was just thinking about, y'know, loose ends. Unfinished business."

"What, like cleaning out the fridge and taking out the trash?" Jongin turns his head to the side slightly and rubs Sehun's arm. "I was gonna do that in the morning. Going out to the dumpster at night gives me the creeps."

"Yeah, I know it does." Sehun smiles to himself, indulgent but faintly exasperated all the same, and takes a deep breath as he sits up and shifts to face Jongin, one leg folded under his body while the other hangs off the side of the couch. "But that's not what I meant, either."

"Well, then, what is it?" Jongin laughs, flicking Sehun's arm. "You're making me feel like there's some huge thing I'm forgetting."

"No, no, you're not," Sehun reassures him reaching for his hand again. "It's just— well, I was thinking—"

He chews on his lip for a moment as he tries to find the best phrasing, but then Jongin's hand wriggles in his grip and Sehun looks up to see _worry_ on his face.

"I mean this as nicely as possible," Jongin says carefully, "but you gotta spit it out already, 'cause you're kinda making me nervous right now."

"Ah, shit, sorry," Sehun mutters with a little shake of his head. He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, then blinks them open again to look Jongin in the eye. "It's nothing bad, I promise. I was just thinking about— about your birthday. Or your, uh, _plans_ for your birthday, I guess. And I was wondering if, uh… if you were interested in maybe, uh, fast-tracking those plans? To, like… now?" He knows he should stop to let Jongin get a word in edgewise, but his frenetic thoughts keep spilling out of his mouth. "Unless you had your heart set on that particular date, in which case disregard everything that just came out of my mouth and pretend I never mentioned it."

They watch each other for a moment, unblinking, and then Jongin slumps against the couch cushions, clearly relieved.

" _God_ , you had me worried there for a second," he laughs, pulling Sehun forward for a kiss, and then a second one almost as soon as the first ends. "Figures, though. You _would_ find the most roundabout way possible to proposition someone for sex." Jongin pauses and raises an eyebrow at Sehun. "That _is_ what's happening right now, correct?"

Sehun feels his ears go hot. "Yeah, that, uh— that about sums it up."

"All right, just making sure." Jongin kisses him again, holding Sehun's face in his hands. "I accept, in case that wasn't totally obvious."

"Oh." It's Sehun's turn to feel relieved. A wry smile plays at the corners of his mouth. "Thanks for clearing that up."

"Anything for you," Jongin says with an equally teasing smile, patting his leg. "C'mere."

Sehun shakes his head a little as he shifts to sit astride Jongin's lap, arms winding around his shoulders for balance. "Hi."

Jongin's hands skim up his back and then back down, fingertips kneading into Sehun's sweatshirt. "Hi."

"I feel like I should preface this by saying that it wasn't that I couldn't wait," Sehun says suddenly, just as Jongin is about to kiss him again. "It was just— come on, Jongin. Your _birthday_? That's— that's a lot to live up to."

Jongin nods and bows his head, and Sehun thinks he's just being contrite until he notices Jongin's shoulders shaking with silent laughter. "I knew it," Jongin says after a few moments. "I _knew_ you were being way too casual that night."

With a short bark of indignant laughter, Sehun pounds Jongin's arm. "Then why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to get into it again until after finals because I knew you'd be way too strung out to talk about it." He gives Sehun a knowing look. "But I've been thinking about it all week and kicking myself for setting a date so far in advance, especially, like, an 'important' one, so I was going to suggest something else over the break, but you got to it first, so… that's good."

Sehun nods and sucks on his lower lip for a moment. "Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Of course I don't mind," Jongin says warmly. "Besides, if I'm being totally honest… the closer we got to the end of the semester, the more I wanted it, but it didn't seem fair to spring it on you like that after I'd already told you about the dumb grand plans for my birthday."

"They're not dumb plans," Sehun protests, thumbs stroking the sides of Jongin's neck as he goes in for a kiss. "And it's not like we have to _cancel_ them or anything. I just—" He sighs, knowing how completely ridiculous these words are going to sound. "I didn't want your birthday to be the first time, 'cause then if it sucked you'd be reminded of it every year."

" _That's_ why you were worried? You thought you were somehow gonna ruin my birthday forever?" Jongin lifts a hand to Sehun's face with a faintly sad smile, like he can't believe Sehun could ever entertain the thought. "Not a chance."

"Well, I never said it was a _rational_ thought," Sehun mumbles, shrugging.

"I know, I know. I'm not teasing you, I promise." Jongin smiles and draws Sehun in for another kiss with a hand around the back of his neck, keeping him close as he rubs his nose against Sehun's cheek. "Not yet, anyway."

The innuendo is met with the barest of gasps from Sehun as a flare of straight-up lust hits him in the gut, seemingly from out of nowhere. That feeling only intensifies when Jongin's lips brush against his earlobe and his fingertips start to trace the shell of Sehun's ear. Sehun's hands clench involuntarily, fingers grasping for purchase in the fabric of Jongin's shirt as Jongin takes Sehun's earlobe between his lips and plays with it. He alternates licking and sucking and gently pulling at it with his teeth as his fingertips slowly stroke the sensitive skin behind Sehun's ear and along the column of his neck. Sehun is quiet, having sucked his lower lip into his mouth to silence himself, but when Jongin gives his earlobe one last tug with his teeth and begins to leave lazy, open-mouthed kisses down the length of Sehun's neck instead, Sehun shivers and inhales sharply, his head falling back slightly to give Jongin more access.

A pleasant, warm sound resonates in the back of Jongin's throat. "Feel good?" he murmurs, lips hovering over Sehun's skin.

"Mmm." Sehun swallows hard, his throat feeling rather dry all of a sudden. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to— to seduce me or something."

Jongin chuckles lowly. "Well, see, the thing about seduction," he says quietly, his lips slowly making their way back up Sehun's neck, "is that it implies a certain… unwillingness." He purses his lips just over Sehun's pulse for a moment, and Sehun is certain Jongin can feel it fluttering double-time beneath his skin. "Like you're persuading someone to do something against their better judgment." Jongin nuzzles at Sehun's jaw. "It's actually a little sinister, if you think about it." He tucks a kiss into the hollow just behind Sehun's earlobe and eases back, sinking into the couch cushions. "And it doesn't really apply here."

Sehun can hardly see straight, he's so aroused. "Why's that?" he murmurs, scooting impossibly closer to Jongin and ignoring the ache in his tightly bent knees.

"Well, not to get into semantics," Jongin says with a wry smile, his voice still soft as he frames Sehun's waist with his hands, "but you can't really seduce someone who's already offered himself up for the taking."

Another surge of heat settles low in his belly, this wave so intense it almost makes his stomach hurt. " _Fuck_ ," Sehun whispers, half curse and half prayer, as he melts into Jongin, cradling Jongin's face in his hands and kissing him deeply. Jongin matches his hunger, his hands roving over the broad expanse of Sehun's back as they kiss before sliding back down to knead at Sehun's waist again, and even further down to cup Sehun's ass and squeeze gently.

Sehun moans faintly, the sound getting lost amid the movement of their mouths, and he breaks away to catch his breath, thumbs trembling against Jongin's cheeks as he gazes down at him, at once impressed and perplexed.

Jongin looks right back up at him, half puzzled and half fondly amused. "What's that look for?"

"I just— _god_ ," Sehun whispers, awestruck. "Just when I think I can't possibly be _more_ attracted to you, you gotta go whip out your big, sexy brain."

Jongin's laugh seems to take him by surprise. "That did _not_ go where I thought it was headed."

Sehun buries his face in Jongin's neck and squeezes him tightly, as though that will help Sehun stem the tide of affection that wells up in his chest and threatens to choke him, to spill out of every pore until it covers him like a second skin. He kisses Jongin's neck, then his cheek, and then his lips again, always greedy for another taste of him.

"I mean, it's so unfair," Sehun says with a stubborn pout, draping his arms around Jongin's shoulders and shifting his weight forward to press him back against the couch cushion. "Seriously, how do you do that?"

Jongin slips both hands beneath the hem of Sehun's sweatshirt and the T-shirt underneath, his warm fingertips stroking the base of Sehun's spine, and it's like a punch to the gut, the insistent need building up inside of him when he thinks about those fingers dipping lower and lower still, sliding into him and working him open, readying him to take Jongin's cock.

"Do what?" Jongin asks, blithely unaware of his effect on Sehun.

"Make me— make me _feel_ this way," Sehun whispers, peering at Jongin like he's some kind of miracle. "You— fuck, all you did was explain the meaning of a word and I legitimately almost creamed myself."

Jongin bites down on his lower lip and makes a soft sound in the back of his throat, lets his eyes drift shut. "You know what?" he says after a few moments, cracking one eye open. "I think I've been going about this dirty talk thing all wrong."

Sehun tries to protest, because he likes just about everything that comes out of Jongin's mouth, but Jongin opens both eyes and hushes him softly. "No no," he says with the barest shake of his head and an enigmatic smile. "This is good. This is _interesting_."

Sehun narrows his eyes. "How so?"

"Well, I already knew your… _style_ , I guess, was more implicit—more suggestive. But still, sometimes you get a little shy, y'know? A little red around the ears." Jongin reaches up to tug gently on one of them with a knowing smile before he lets both of his hands settle on Sehun's thighs. "But I didn't get any of that from you this time, and I think I know why."

"Which is… ?" Sehun says impatiently, barely restraining himself from grinding his cock into Jongin's lap.

"Because it wasn't about you," Jongin says carefully, like he's still trying to get his thoughts in order. "I mean, you've told me yourself—you think way too hard about everything, right? So if I say something _about_ you, like…" He casts around for an example and then shakes his head. "Actually, I'm not even gonna go there, 'cause I don't wanna throw you outta whack when you're sitting there looking like you're about to eat me."

Sehun laughs nervously, and, as if by reflex, he starts to wonder what his face is doing for Jongin to describe it like that.

"That," Jongin says, sliding his hands up Sehun's thighs to get his attention, and Sehun's eyes snap back to him. "Wherever you went just now. That's what I'm talking about. See, you didn't do that a few minutes ago. You were completely into it, a hundred percent, because you can't feel self-conscious about something abstract like the meaning of a word, or something else that's, like… external to you." Jongin's hands slide up and around his hips to clutch Sehun's ass again. "So all the brainpower that's usually eaten up by the not-so-good thoughts is free to go somewhere else." Jongin's eyebrow twitches upward provocatively. "Like that imagination of yours."

"Holy shit," Sehun breathes after a long moment of stunned silence, staring at Jongin in wonder. "Holy _shit_."

"What?" Jongin smiles, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "Am I right? Tell me I'm right."

Sehun can't hold himself back any longer, rocking his hips down into Jongin's lap as he swoops in for a kiss. "I mean, I can't say for sure," he gasps when he comes up for air several seconds later, heart pounding in his chest from the _good_ kind of adrenaline rush. "I never really thought about it before, but that— that's better than any explanation I could come up with. _God_ , you're so fucking smart." He threads his fingers into Jongin's hair and steals another breathless kiss. "Want you so bad," he whispers, chest heaving. "Wanna— mmm _fuck_ , I wanna suck you until you come in my mouth again."

Jongin tips his head back and whispers a very drawn out _fuck_ at the ceiling, and Sehun clutches desperately at his shoulders as their lips meet again, a breathy whimper slipping out of his mouth as Jongin's tongue slips in. Sehun is beyond teasing at this point, too close to the edge by far, and Jongin _knows_ this, but that doesn't stop him from wrapping one arm around Sehun's waist and bringing the other around to drag the heel of his hand against the crotch of Sehun's jeans.

"Wait, wait, m'gonna come if you do that," Sehun says with a little shudder, back arching of its own volition.

"Then come," Jongin says simply, making circular motions with his palm. 

Sehun moans; the friction feels fucking incredible. "But I thought we were gonna—"

"Oh, we're _gonna_ ," Jongin says, and the clear intention in his voice sends a thrill up Sehun's spine. "But you're gonna come at least twice before then, I promise you that much."

"Oh, fuck," Sehun whispers, because Jongin sounds _so_ goddamn hot whenever he starts talking about pleasuring Sehun. He seals his mouth to Jongin's again, just for a moment, and inhales sharply as he tears himself away, pressing his nose into Jongin's cheek. "Take it out, touch me for real."

"I only have two hands," Jongin laughs shortly. "Get the zipper?"

Within seconds, Sehun's undone his fly, choking out a sigh of relief mingled with sheer pleasure as the pressure on his groin eases. That pleasure only increases when Jongin works a hand into the slit in Sehun's boxer briefs and draws out his achingly hard cock.

"Oh yeah," Jongin says with earned confidence, clearly amused, "I was _so_ right."

"Congratulate yourself later, please," Sehun says through gritted teeth.

"All right, all right," Jongin says placatingly, wrapping a hand around Sehun's erection and kissing his cheek in response to the breathy _Ah!_ that escapes his throat. His hand is warm and his grip is firm and Sehun knows it won't take long. His hips push minutely into Jongin's fist with each stroke, and he mouths at Jongin's neck to stifle his hiccupy little moans.

"C'mon, you're riiiiight there." Jongin dots kisses along Sehun's jaw in between whispering in his ear. "So close. Let go, okay? Come for me now so I can take you to bed. We're gonna take all these clothes off, and then I'm gonna lay you down and kiss you and touch you until you're hard again, finger you until you come again. And then… I mean, I could _tell_ you the next part…" Jongin's tone is teasing. "… or you could come for me right now and find out for yourself."

That does it. Sehun quakes in his arms and buries his face (and the stuttering moan that passes his lips) in Jongin's neck, thrusting upward as Jongin's fist moves downward, come spilling between their bodies as Jongin finishes him off. Trembling, Sehun clings to him afterward, making himself as small as possible against Jongin's chest (not an easy feat).

"Hold me," Sehun mumbles, rubbing his face against Jongin's shoulder.

"I would love to do that," Jongin says, utterly sincere. "I really would. But you're forgetting one tiny little detail here." 

"What?"

"The fountain of come that just shot out of your dick?" Jongin reminds him, amusement in his voice. "It's… it's everywhere. And I wouldn't care, normally, but this isn't actually our furniture and I don't want to have to explain to the landlord where those stains came from if she decides to drop in unannounced… or to my parents when they inevitably ask why we got dinged on the security deposit."

"Oh, shit," Sehun says in a low voice, leaning back to inspect the damage (and tuck himself back into his underwear, while he's at it). "All right, I'm getting up, give me a second."

Sehun sits up and eases himself back on his aching knees until his feet hit the floor, but almost as soon as he's vertical, the pins and needles kick in and he loses his balance, swearing loudly as he trips over his own feet and nearly faceplants on the other end of the couch. He catches himself on his forearms and scoots forward, dragging his poor, dead legs behind him as he clambers back onto the couch and rolls over, panting. He chances a glance at Jongin, who is doing his level best not to bust up laughing, and purses his lips, unamused.

"You should think real hard about your reaction right now," Sehun says coolly, folding his arms and aiming a pointed look at Jongin.

The laughter dies on Jongin's lips, and suddenly he's all business. "I will be _right_ back," he says, springing up from the couch and zipping into the bathroom.

Sehun rolls his eyes and shakes his head, smiling faintly, and then glances down at his clothes again. Seeing a few splatters here and there on the front of his jeans and the hem of his sweatshirt, he strips down to his T-shirt and underwear and drapes his clothes over the back of the couch before stretching his legs out and propping his crossed ankles up on the corner of the coffee table.

Jongin comes back out into the living room a couple minutes later with a wet rag in one hand and a dry one in the other. "I think I got all of it off my jeans, but do you mind—" He stops short, eyes trailing appreciatively down the length of Sehun's body, and there seems to be a subtle shift in tone as he finishes his sentence. "—taking a second look … ?"

"Not at all," Sehun says, finding himself just about eye-level with Jongin's crotch. His eyes flick up to Jongin's face, and Sehun begins to understand that there's two conversations going on right now. He tilts his head up, looking like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. "But that might take a while, so maybe you should take care of the couch first."

"Good idea," Jongin says, lips twitching. He walks around the back of the sofa, stopping to dab at the spots on Sehun's clothes along the way, and crouches down to inspect the cushion he'd been sitting on. There's only one super noticeable wet spot, thankfully; the other two are pretty small.

"That _is_ cold water, right?" Sehun pipes up just before Jongin is about to rub at the stains.

Jongin flashes him a look that clearly says _Duh_ as he starts to mop up the mess. "I've been doing my own laundry since I was, like, twelve. I know what's up."

"All right, all right, just making sure," Sehun says, holding up his hands and waiting impatiently for Jongin to finish blotting the water out of the upholstery with a dry cloth. The second he's done, Sehun pivots to stretch out on the couch, arms folded behind his head.

"You gonna let me sit or what?" Jongin asks with a wry smile on his face, balling up the rags and dropping them on the floor beside the coffee table.

"My legs still hurt. Give me a minute." Sehun pouts at him. "Besides, I gotta check out your jeans. C'mere."

He crooks a finger at Jongin, who, to his credit, does not immediately start laughing, even though his resolve is beginning to crack. Jongin sidles up to him, shuffling toward Sehun using the space between the couch and the coffee table, and has to bite down on his lower lip when Sehun squints hard at the front of his jeans.

"Well," Sehun says, his own voice strained with the effort of not breaking first. "I'm not seeing anything there that shouldn't be, but do you mind if I… ?" He wiggles his fingers.

Jongin clears his throat. "Not at all."

Sehun presses his lips together tightly and lifts his hand to pat the front of Jongin's jeans, which are, in fact, damp from his cleanup efforts. "Ooh, these are all wet," he says, attempting to grimace but knowing that he's just barely concealing his smirk. "They should— they should probably come off."

"If you say so," Jongin sighs, hands dropping to undo his fly. While he shimmies out of his jeans, Sehun rolls onto his belly and scoots down slightly toward the end of the couch with the wet spot, leaving the cushion at the opposite end free. Jongin, now in a state of undress matching Sehun's, leaves his jeans in a pile on the carpet and turns his gaze on Sehun, who bends his knees and crosses his ankles prettily before patting the empty seat. "Oh, for me? You shouldn't have."

"Didn't seem fair to make you sit in the wet spot," Sehun says breezily, waiting for Jongin to get settled before using his hands to raise his upper body, face turned up expectantly.

Jongin doesn't kiss him right away; instead, he runs a hand over Sehun's hair and cradles the back of his head for a moment, the heel of his hand fitting perfectly behind Sehun's ear. "Hey."

Sehun pushes back against his hand, catlike. "Hey."

Jongin leans into his space and guides their mouths together, and when they kiss, it's not messy or sensual or demanding, nor is it part of this little game they've been playing. It isn't fraught with heavy emotion or special significance. It's just… real.

Jongin pulls back the tiniest bit, enough for Sehun to hear him clearly when he speaks.

"I love you," he says, and the kiss that follows is softer and shorter, but no less sweet. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," Sehun whispers, and in his heart of hearts he means it; the insecurities that plagued him for so long have fallen away, at least for tonight, and that's all he can ask for right now. "I love you, too."

Sehun hears a soft, warm hum in the back of Jongin's throat just before their lips touch again, and there is something more definitive about the press of Jongin's lips against his own, like the seal on a pact. Even a week ago, Sehun might have found that overwhelming and frightening, but tonight it feels… reassuring, a silent acknowledgment that although each of them might be entering uncharted waters here, at least they're steering the boat together.

Sehun eases back and sits up properly, pulling his legs up and around and folding them slightly off to the side. He gestures to the space between himself and the back couch cushions and looks at Jongin. "Here, lie down."

Jongin rubs Sehun's arm. "Why don't we just go in the other room?"

"In a bit," Sehun says, dismissing the suggestion with a wave of his hand. He looks at Jongin imploringly and smiles. "Humor me just this once, okay?"

It is becoming increasingly apparent to Sehun that Jongin has a hard time denying him anything, particularly if he asks nicely. Sehun has no intention of using this information to take advantage of him, but he must admit it comes in handy for talking Jongin into the occasional spontaneous cuddle.

"All right," Jongin relents, regarding Sehun with curiosity as he moves to stretch out on the couch. Sehun joins him once he's comfortable, snuggling against his chest with one leg between Jongin's thighs, Jongin's arms wrapped around him, fingers playing absently in his hair. "Is there a particular reason you wanted to stay out here for this, or… ?"

"I don't know," Sehun mumbles, rubbing his cheek against Jongin's T-shirt. "I just like it."

Jongin's chest moves beneath Sehun's head when he lets out a soft huff of laughter. "I guess I can't argue with that." He's quiet for a few moments, and Sehun closes his eyes, warmed to the core when he feels Jongin push his hair back and touch his lips to Sehun's forehead. "Remember the first time we did this?" 

"Like I could ever forget." Sehun smiles to himself. "I didn't know it was possible to be scared and horny at the same time until that day."

That shocks a laugh out of Jongin, who puts two fingers under Sehun's chin and tilts his head up to kiss him. "You were so cute," he sighs, "and funny, thinking you were being _so_ smooth with that whole 'I'm tired' routine."

It takes a moment for the words to register in Sehun's head, but when they do, he lifts his head to look at Jongin in dismay. " _Noooo_ ," he whispers. "You knew the whole time?"

"Sehun, you literally leapt over the back of the couch to get away from me and _immediately_ got in the shower. You could not have been more obvious if you tried." Jongin's expression is one of pity mingled with amusement. "Also, I felt it through your pants, so there's that."

Sehun groans and shakes his head, smiling in spite of himself. "I guess I should thank you for not making a big deal out of it at the time."

Jongin shrugs and lifts a hand to Sehun's face, thumb brushing across his cheekbone. "You were clearly uncomfortable. It would have been a dick move—no pun intended—to point it out." He smiles kindly. "Besides, it would have made me a total hypocrite, considering I immediately went in my room and jerked off thinking about you jerking off in the shower. In fact—" Jongin pauses, eyes glazing over for a moment before snapping back to Sehun. "Oh my god, this explains so much."

"About what?"

"For weeks now, I've been having this… not _problem_ , per se, but— whatever." Jongin flaps a hand, and he looks a little flustered. "Anyway, the point is, every time I hear the shower turn on lately, I start to get hard. And I wasn't totally sure why, but I'm starting to think it's because every time we made out and you got a boner and went to go rub one out in the shower, I… went in my room and jerked off."

Sehun can't help it—he busts up. "Oh my god, oh my god," he gasps, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "That is the best— holy _shit_ , Jongin." He gives Jongin a squeeze, completely overcome with fondness, and then looks up, tilting his head in curiosity. "Is _that_ why you always wanna fuck around in the shower?"

"I mean, put yourself in my shoes for a second," Jongin protests, dodging the question. "I finally get to, like, legit make out with you, and I'm using every last ounce of willpower to keep my hands to myself because that's what we agreed on, even though I know for a fact that we're both about five seconds from shoving our hands down each other's pants. You do the responsible thing and remove yourself from the situation, because you actually have some semblance of self-control. Meanwhile, I'm still lying there on the couch, trying to get it together, and I hear the shower come on, and whatever chill I have left _completely_ evaporates because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what you're doing behind that door. But do I try to distract myself by turning on the TV or doing the dishes or something? No. I get up, I go to my room, I shove my face into a pillow, and I think about the fact that, at this very moment, you are two rooms away, wet, naked, and probably furiously pleasuring yourself because you got that turned on just from kissing me, and I come so fucking hard I almost black out."

Sehun has been gripping a fistful of Jongin's shirt progressively tighter, hanging on every word, and he doesn't realize it until his hand starts to cramp up. "Oh, _fuck_ ," he whispers, the naked lust in his voice reflecting the heat slowly building up in him again, trickling down sticky-sweet like honey. He surges up to kiss Jongin, to lick into his mouth and clutch at his face, suddenly burning for Jongin, for the way he moans into Sehun's mouth and runs his hands all over Sehun's body and rubs himself against Sehun's leg.

Sehun continues to kiss him as he moves his hand from Jongin's face to cup the front of his boxer briefs, slowly running his palm back and forth along the shape of his erection beneath the fabric. He thinks about Jongin thinking about him, about how he probably didn't have the time to tease himself, just rolled over and rutted frantically into his fist like Sehun had done so many times in similar circumstances.

Jongin breaks away, panting and clutching at Sehun's waist. "You're not weirded out by any of that?" he gasps, searching Sehun's face for some sign of discomfort.

"Are you kidding me?" Sehun kisses him, delighted. "That was— _god_ , that was the hottest thing I've ever heard."

Sehun bites his lip and moans shortly in the back of his throat, overcome by the imagery all over again, and Jongin pulls him in for another kiss at the sound of it. Sehun responds eagerly and stays close when they stop to take another breather.

"Lemme take care of you," he murmurs, hand still moving over the front of Jongin's underwear as he nuzzles Jongin's cheek. "Wanna suck you so bad right now. We can go to bed after. Just want you to come for me first."

Jongin swears on a whisper, voice cracking the slightest bit, and turns to catch Sehun's lips again briefly before nodding.

Sehun doesn't waste time, immediately working his hand under the waistband and (with a little assistance from Jongin) pushing his underwear down to mid-thigh. He takes Jongin's cock in his hand and gives it a few slow strokes, stealing one last kiss from Jongin before he moves from the couch to the floor in one fluid motion and takes Jongin into his mouth.

With a soft groan, Jongin shifts to let his right leg hang off the side of the couch and rests his hand on the back of Sehun's head, petting his hair and stroking his neck as Sehun forms a tight seal around Jongin's erection with his lips, tongue molding to the shaft as he pulls back toward the head. His movements are still a little clumsy, he knows—all a matter of getting more practice in—but he makes up for it with enthusiasm, one hand cupping Jongin's balls while the other follows his mouth up and down the shaft. He lets Jongin's cock slip out of his mouth intermittently, sucking softly on the very tip and uncurling his fist so he can lick and kiss the entire shaft, and returns to stroking the full length after a while as he turns his attention elsewhere, head dipping lower to lap at Jongin's balls. Sehun holds them in his palm, fingers curling around the back to give his mouth more room, and his fingertips accidentally brush against the space behind them, between Jongin's legs. Jongin curses under his breath and the pads of his fingers tense up against the back of Sehun's neck.

Sehun immediately pulls back to look at Jongin, hands hovering above his body. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No, no, it's okay," Jongin cuts him off with a tremulous smile, looking a little flushed. He scratches the back of Sehun's head as if to reassure him. "That was— that was good."

"Oh." Sehun replaces his hands and tentatively drags his fingertips against the same spot, searching Jongin's face for a reaction. "Like that?" Jongin shivers and nods and Sehun smiles a little shyly. "Yeah, I— I like when you touch me there, too."

With a strangled little moan, Jongin reaches down with his other hand to touch Sehun's where it's wrapped around his dick. "Do you, uh— do you mind doing that again while you, uh…"

Jongin flicks his tongue out, and Sehun laughs. "Sure."

Sehun lowers his head to the base of Jongin's cock, holding it in his palm as he licks his way up the shaft, getting it good and wet again while the first two fingers of his other hand rub small circles against Jongin's perineum, and _god_ , he wants to touch himself at the sound Jongin makes in response. Instead, he lifts the tip of Jongin's dick to his lips and purses his lips around it, sucking gently before lapping teasingly at the ridge around the head. Jongin squirms beneath him, and Sehun can tell he's getting close to the edge. Sehun opens his mouth and watches Jongin's face, watches his eyes blink open as Sehun rubs his cockhead against the flat of his tongue, fingers stroking firmly at that spot between his legs.

"Do the thing," Jongin whispers, thumbing at Sehun's ear.

"What thing?" Sehun asks coyly, knowing it was going to be his next move regardless. "This thing?"

He locks eyes with Jongin and slaps his cock against his tongue a few times, and the choked-off moan of longing it elicits from Jongin sinks right down between his own legs. Fully taking the head into his mouth, he swirls his tongue around it a few times before pulling off again and looking curiously at Jongin.

"Hey." Sehun corkscrews his hand up and down the shaft. "Question."

Jongin wets his lips, eyelids fluttering as he tries to keep them open. "Yeah?"

"If you like this," Sehun says slowly, pressing a little harder on Jongin's perineum for emphasis, "do you, uh— do you want me to try fingering you while I blow you sometime?"

Some combination of shocked gasp, nervous laughter, and breathy moan comes out of Jongin's mouth. "Jesus Christ," he whispers, closing his eyes and biting down on his lower lip for a moment. "I want that so much, you don't even know. _God._ " His lower abs tense up, and his eyes flick open with another shaky laugh. "Shit, I'm, like, this fucking close just thinking about it."

Sehun nods. "I got you."

He takes Jongin into his mouth again, bobbing his head and jerking him a little faster while his other hand continues to massage that spot between Jongin's legs. Jongin trembles beneath him, panting, fingers moving in Sehun's hair, and Sehun knows it's going to happen even before Jongin stutters out "C-coming," just from the way his balls have been drawing in toward his body. He tries to get the head as far back in his mouth as possible before he starts to swallow around it, his hands still working furiously to wring every last bit of pleasure out of Jongin as he releases into Sehun's mouth with a guttural moan.

Sehun waits for Jongin's cock to stop twitching so much before letting it slip out of his mouth, stroking increasingly slower until Jongin squeezes his hand and murmurs "C'mere."

Sehun wipes his mouth on the back of his hand while Jongin gingerly tugs his underwear up, and Sehun's about to wipe his hands on his own underwear when he catches sight of the damp rag Jongin had left on the floor. He leans over to grab that instead, cleaning off his hands before clambering back up onto the couch, all but straddling Jongin's lap.

" _Jesus_ ," Jongin whispers, still a little out of breath but half-laughing. He slides his hand into Sehun's hair and pulls him down for a long kiss with a lot of tongue, which gets Sehun all kinds of hot and bothered, to the point where he's a little dazed when Jongin finally releases him. "You are… very good at that."

"Yeah, well…" Sehun kisses him this time, softer. "I like making you feel good. It's… kind of a huge turn-on, honestly."

"Yeah, I can tell," Jongin says with a sly smile, hands sliding down Sehun's back to cup his ass and pull down. He turns his face up for another kiss and gives Sehun's ass a little squeeze, smiling at the little sound of surprise that squeaks out of Sehun's throat. "I like making you feel good, too. In fact… I kinda wanna go do that right now, so…" He pats Sehun's butt. "I'm gonna need you to hop off for a sec."

Sehun grins and sneaks in one last kiss before maneuvering himself up and off of the couch. Jongin sits up and Sehun offers him a hand, pulling him up and off the couch and, conveniently, right into his arms for another kiss. Jongin just holds him there for a moment afterward, nuzzling at his cheek.

"I realize I probably should have asked earlier," he says quietly, "but do you need a minute to, uh, get ready or anything?"

"Hmm?" Sehun takes a step back to look at Jongin properly, and it takes a moment for the question to register, but when it does, Sehun goes a little red around the collar. "Oh, no— I, uh… I took a shower before you got home. Y'know, just in case. So I'm, uh… I'm good to go, I think."

"Duly noted," Jongin says smoothly. They're both silent for a few moments, and Sehun is starting to feel a little awkward about it when Jongin suddenly digs his fingers into Sehun's sides, making him jump from ticklishness. Startled, he looks up to see Jongin grinning at him. "Hey, don't get shy on me now, not when you've clearly been planning to jump my bones all day."

Sehun can't help but laugh even as he lightly pounds Jongin's arm with one fist. "Go ahead, keep making fun of me. See if that gets you laid tonight."

"I'll take my chances," Jongin says with a smirk, tugging Sehun forward by the front of his T-shirt for a kiss.

It's hard to walk and kiss at the same time, though, especially with your eyes closed, so Sehun settles for draping his arms around Jongin's shoulders and letting Jongin steer them in the direction of his bedroom.

"Not much in the way of mood lighting, unfortunately," Jongin says wryly when Sehun releases him so he can turn on the table lamp beside his bed rather than the glaring overhead light. He hovers near the lamp with a questioning look at Sehun. "Unless you'd rather keep the lights off?"

Sehun shakes his head, a tiny smile curving his lips. "No, no, it's probably better if we can, y'know, actually see what the fuck we're doing."

"Good point," Jongin laughs shortly, raking a hand through his hair. "And besides, I like being able to look at you."

"Stop," Sehun whines half-heartedly, hugging himself as he curls his toes into the carpet.

"You let me talk all that filth out there like it was no big deal, but _this_ is where you draw the line?" Jongin says with an incredulous laugh. "C'mere." Sehun shuffles across the carpet and into his arms. "Listen, I know I pointed out all that stuff about you not being totally comfortable hearing me talk about you, but if there's one night where I get to say all the nice things I want about you, it's tonight, and you're just gonna have to deal with it." There's a certain stubbornness to his smile, and Sehun can't help but smile in response. "Got it?"

Sehun rolls his eyes indulgently. "Yeah, I got it." 

"Don't roll your eyes at me," Jongin says, the words a playful warning.

"Oh yeah?" Sehun smirks and narrows his eyes. "What're you gonna do about it?"

Jongin gives him a challenging look and slides his hands down Sehun's back, fingertips slipping under the waistband of his boxer briefs. "Make 'em roll in a different way."

Sehun's breath hitches, and he's expecting Jongin to fully grab hold of his ass, but he withdraws his hands and plucks at the hem of Sehun's T-shirt instead. "Can I take this off?"

For whatever reason, this request puts butterflies in Sehun's stomach, but he nods, ignoring them. "Yeah."

Jongin's hands disappear underneath Sehun's shirt, fabric bunching at his wrists as he pulls it up, palms skimming Sehun's sides and making him quiver, ticklish. Sehun raises his arms so Jongin can pull the T-shirt up and off, the V-neck easily clearing his head, and runs his fingers through his hair to neaten it before letting his hands settle on Jongin's hips, thumbs catching the bottom of his T-shirt. Sehun's eyebrow twitches upward. "Can I take _this_ off?"

Jongin nods, already lifting his arms. "I would love nothing more."

"Really? You'd love _nothing_ more?" Sehun raises both eyebrows with a little smirk on his face, pausing with the shirt pushed up to Jongin's pecs. "This is the highlight of your night?"

"You're hilarious," Jongin deadpans.

Sehun grins and pecks him on the lips before pulling Jongin's shirt the rest of the way off and dropping it on the floor next to his own. "Tell me something I _don't_ know."

"Smartass," Jongin says with a tiny smile, shaking his head as his arms encircle Sehun's waist and draw him into an embrace. He buries his face in Sehun's neck for a few moments before resting his head against Sehun's shoulder, turning just enough that his voice isn't muffled by Sehun's skin. "Is it creepy if I say you smell good?"

"No," Sehun laughs softly, scrunching Jongin's hair affectionately with one hand while the other curls around his upper arm. "As long as you don't think it's creepy that I think you smell nice, too."

"Nope." Jongin rubs his cheek against Sehun's collarbone. "Follow-up question: Is it creepy if I want to take one of your hoodies home with me over the break so I have something to remind me of you?"

"Of course not," Sehun mumbles, touched beyond words. "Can I have something of yours?"

"Whatever you want, it's all yours," Jongin says, lips brushing against Sehun's neck a few times before he straightens up and kisses him properly, sweetly, in that way that makes Sehun ache for him even though he's right here.

Jongin smiles at him when he finally breaks away, reaching for Sehun's hands as he steps back to sit on the edge of the bed. He shifts his feet so Sehun can stand between his knees and lets go of Sehun's hands, guiding him forward with hands curled around the backs of his thighs instead. For a moment, Sehun's not sure what Jongin's going to do, but the suspense is blessedly brief—Jongin merely presses his face into the softness of Sehun's belly. As innocent as the touch is, however, Sehun can feel himself hardening by the second, and if Jongin doesn't already feel Sehun's erection pushing against his chin through the thin cotton of his underwear, then he will soon. He squirms when Jongin's lips and nose and eyelashes brush against his stomach, each twitch accompanied by a breathy involuntary laugh.

"Stop that," Sehun says, running a hand through Jongin's hair with a soft smile on his face. "You're tickling me."

Jongin tilts his head up to glance at Sehun and pointedly blows a stream of air right into his navel, grinning at how Sehun tries to flail away from him. "All right, all right, I'll stop," he laughs, falling back against the mattress with his arms folded beneath his head. He lies there for a moment, slowly trailing his eyes down Sehun's body.

Sehun feels the back of his neck heat up. "What're you looking at?"

"Hmm?" Jongin drags his eyes back up to Sehun's face. "Just enjoying the view, that's all."

Sehun ignores the instinct to clap his hands over his face in shyness and instead crawls onto the bed beside Jongin, heart fluttering as he curls up on his side, head pillowed on one arm. This was all so much easier when Sehun was out-of-his-mind horny and neither he nor Jongin could keep their hands off each other. Now every movement is slow and deliberate—soft, intimate. Sehun supposes it's better this way; the idea of having wild, impassioned sex for the first time sounds hot, but in reality, it's probably a recipe for disaster. Still, he can't help but feel a little shy, exposed, nervous in these quieter moments between them.

"Hey." Jongin's hand touches his cheek, and Sehun's eyes refocus on his face. "You doing okay?"

Sehun covers Jongin's hand with his own and smiles, giving it a little squeeze. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay." Jongin rolls onto his side and edges halfway into Sehun's space, sliding one arm under his neck while the other falls familiarly around his waist. "'Cause we don't have to do anything else. I'm more than happy to stick to this, if that's what you want."

"I mean, this is really nice," Sehun says, wriggling closer until his neck settles in the crook of Jongin's elbow and Jongin's got a leg between his thighs, "but I'm still on board with our original plans."

"All right," Jongin says with a little nod, patting the small of Sehun's back as he tips his head forward, the end of his nose just brushing against Sehun's. "Just wanted to check."

"I know," Sehun says quietly, offering him a little smile before closing the distance between their mouths. The kiss is long, starting slow and building to something deeper, more intense. They stop after a few minutes, Jongin kneading at Sehun's hip as their chests rise and fall in tandem, and Sehun noses at Jongin's cheek and gives his arm a little squeeze. "You— you can touch me, if you want."

"Oh, trust me, I want." Jongin's voice is low and a little throaty, and it sends a streak of heat down into the pit of Sehun's stomach. Jongin shifts, nudging Sehun onto his back and pushing himself up with one forearm, then leans down to kiss him again. The hand on Sehun's hip slides sideways, Jongin's palm molding around the outline of Sehun's erection before he drags the heel of his hand upward, massaging Sehun's cock through his underwear.

With a low groan of satisfaction, Sehun feels his way down Jongin's body with one fumbling hand until his own palm is cupping Jongin through his underwear. Jongin inhales sharply and kisses Sehun with even greater intensity as he rocks his hips against the slow circular movements of Sehun's hand. He stills himself after a couple minutes and breaks the kiss, panting, his hand resting over the front of Sehun's underwear.

"Feels so good," Jongin whispers, nuzzling and kissing Sehun's cheek, "but I wanna take care of you first." He kisses Sehun full on the mouth again, teasing him with his tongue and the hand on his cock, and only when Sehun whimpers against Jongin's lips does he pull away to whisper, "Can I finger you?"

"Oh my god, yes," Sehun says, the words spilling out all at once. "Please."

Jongin kisses him again, a low, wanton noise sounding in the back of his throat just before he pulls away to sit on the edge of the bed and rifle through the drawer of his bedside table. He turns back toward Sehun a few moments later, waving a packet of wet wipes in one hand and the bottle of lube—which is already half empty, what the _fuck_ ; Sehun makes a mental note to order more over the break—and a strip of condoms in the other.

The sensation of butterflies fluttering in Sehun's stomach starts to feel a little more like the frantic flapping of bat wings. Obviously, they need condoms; it would be stupid not to use them. Sehun knows this on a logical, rational level. But the sight of them does make this all feel a lot more real, and also raises the question—

"Oh, shit," Sehun says, blinking up at Jongin. "Have you been, like… tested and stuff? I never thought to ask."

"What?" Jongin blinks back at him for a moment, but then he follows Sehun's eyeline to the condoms in his hand and the understanding registers on his face. He drops everything on the comforter and pulls both of his legs up on the bed, nodding quickly. "Yeah, of course! Jesus, sorry, I totally should have gotten that out of the way earlier. I had it done a couple weeks ago." He smiles a little sheepishly. "Remember that day I ran into you at the health center, when you were getting your foot checked out?"

Sehun's eyebrows go up. " _That's_ what you were there for? I thought you said it was about your leg."

"No, I said I had to take care of something, and then _you_ asked me if my leg was okay," Jongin corrects him. "I didn't lie to you. I just didn't correct your assumption."

"Oh, no, I don't care about that," Sehun says, waving a hand. "I'm not mad or anything. I was just… surprised by the timing, I guess."

"Well, I meant to have it done a lot sooner, but I kept putting off for one reason or another," Jongin says. "Anyway, I got the works, y'know, just for peace of mind, and… clean bill of health, nothing to worry about. I have the paperwork, though, if you want to see for yourself."

"No, no, that's okay," Sehun says, hoping his face isn't glowing from how warm his cheeks are all of a sudden. "I trust you."

"I know," Jongin says, reaching for Sehun's hand. "And, like, not to get super heavy or anything, but I just want you to know that I take that really seriously and I don't ever want to— to— _shit_ , what's the word I'm looking for… ?" His eyes roll back in his head for a moment as he thinks about it, and Sehun sucks his lower lip into his mouth to hold back a smile. "Oh, right—I don't want to squander that trust. Ever. Just, y'know. For the record."

Sehun's heart is so full that it feels like he can't get enough air into his lungs. "I love you," he sighs. "A lot. Like, seriously, a truly ridiculous amount that may or may not be hazardous to my health."

Jongin grins and flings himself down onto the mattress next to Sehun, scooping him into his arms. "Fuck, you're so cute," he says, kissing Sehun's bare shoulder. "I love you, too. Now take these off so I can fingerbang you into the middle of next week."

Jongin snaps the waistband of Sehun's boxer briefs loudly, startling a laugh out of Sehun and making him feel a little more at ease as he sheds his underwear and drops it off the side of the bed. He makes himself comfortable while Jongin reaches for the lube, hooking his arm around the pillow under his head and rolling onto his side the way he normally does—left foot planted on the bed, right leg flat on the mattress, knees bent.

Jongin looks at him, bottle in hand. "Ready?"

Sehun nods and takes a deep breath, exhaling through his nose and reminding himself to relax as he watches Jongin squeeze a line of thick gel onto his middle finger and breathe on it in an attempt to warm it up.

"It's fine," Sehun laughs shortly. "It's always a little cold at first no matter what you do. Save your breath. Literally."

Jongin snorts and lowers his hand. "If you say so."

Sehun holds his breath for a moment and exhales as soon as Jongin touches him, his fingertip circling Sehun's entrance and spreading the lube around so he can slick up his entire finger. Sehun holds his cock in one hand, unmoving, consciously relaxing as Jongin slowly works his finger into Sehun one knuckle at a time until it's fully inserted. He rotates his wrist from side to side, finger curling inward and rubbing slow circles with the pad of his fingertip.

Jongin looks up at Sehun, studies his face. "How's that?"

Sehun shifts minutely. "Doesn't hurt at all, if that's what you're asking."

"Good," Jongin says. "I'm just gonna…"

His thumb settles against Sehun's perineum, pressing down lightly as he starts to move it in little circles like he's doing with his finger. Sehun hums, contented, letting his eyes sink shut as he starts to pull lazily at his flagging erection. It's not quite pleasurable, not yet, but it is pleasant, being touched like this, Jongin's hands on him and in him. Several minutes pass before Sehun feels like anything is happening (beyond the obvious, anyway), little flickers of warmth licking at his insides here and there, but then a wave of _something_ hits him in— _god_ , he can't even figure out exactly where it's coming from. All he knows is that it feels incredible and he wants more of it. Sehun grips the comforter with one hand and groans, the sound unfamiliar to him, almost primal.

"You okay?" Jongin asks, stilling his hand.

"Yes, just— _fuck_ , don't stop," Sehun gasps, letting go of his cock to grab Jongin's wrist before he can even think of pulling out, but even the act of lifting his upper body slightly off the bed angles Jongin's fingertip right into his prostate, and Sehun flops back down onto the mattress with another involuntary cry. "Holy fucking fuck," he whimpers, clutching his pillow for dear life and staring at the ceiling in delirium. "I've never felt anything that good in my entire life."

"Hold that thought," Jongin says with amusement in his voice, and Sehun lifts his head off the pillow just in time to see Jongin bow his head and take Sehun's cock into his mouth.

Wordless cries tumble out of his mouth as Jongin's tongue swirls around the head of his cock and his finger taps against that spot inside of him that makes him unable to focus on anything but how good it feels to have Jongin touch him like this. It's still not quite enough, though; he finds himself overwhelmed by the desire to be filled, every other thought in his mind eclipsed by this need. "Another finger, Jongin, please, god," he begs, panting.

Jongin hums around his cock and pulls off of him, much to Sehun's dismay, but only long enough to see what he's doing as he applies more lube to his hand and presses the tip of his ring finger against Sehun's hole. He leans back in to lick his way up the shaft as he slowly wriggles the digit further into Sehun over the course of a few minutes, wrapping his lips around the head again once both fingers are in, the fit snug but not uncomfortably tight. The pleasure that emanates from deep within him when Jongin's fingertips stroke his prostate intensifies with the added pressure, and Sehun doesn't know how much longer he can hold off his impending orgasm.

"I'm about to come," he tells Jongin after several minutes, but Jongin makes no move to pull away. "You might want to stop that if you don't want a mouthful of jizz." Jongin merely glances up at him with one eyebrow raised and curls his fingers inward, gently but insistently, as if to say, _Well, fucking come then, already._ "Jongin—!"

Sehun's climax hits him so hard he thinks it might have taken a couple years off his life. He melts into the bed after it passes, his entire body trembling as he watches Jongin drool come and saliva all over his cock, the sight at once kind of gross and un-fucking-believably hot, somehow. Jongin looks up, the entire lower half of his face a mess, and Sehun could never have anticipated how much he wants to kiss Jongin right then and there. He keeps that dirty little secret to himself, though, and instead feels around for the packet of wipes. Finding it, he offers a couple to Jongin, since at least one of his hands continues to be otherwise occupied, and grabs a couple for himself so he can clean up the mess Jongin has made of him.

"Thanks," Jongin says, wiping off his face. The corners of his eyes crinkle up in a wry smile. "That was a little bit more than a mouthful, just saying."

"Evidently," Sehun laughs, the sound cut off by a soft gasp and a little sigh when Jongin's fingers inadvertently push up against his prostate again. " _Jesus_ , that feels so fucking good."

"I'm glad." Jongin drops the dirty wipes off the edge of the bed and rubs Sehun's thigh with his free hand. "Do you think I can squeak in a third?"

"Go for it." Sehun makes an effort to aim for the wastebasket when he's done cleaning himself up but misses anyway. He settles back onto the mattress, still feeling somewhat boneless, and zones out for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. "Is it— is it bad that there's a little part of me that, like... just kind of wants to get this over with?" he wonders aloud, the words falling from his lips without a second thought. "Not like it's a chore or something, but just so I can quit psyching myself out about it."

"No, I don't think it's bad. I get what you mean." Jongin's fingers slide out so he can add more lube to them, and then he works them back into Sehun, keeping him open as the tip of his index finger eases past the muscle there. He stops after the first knuckle, letting Sehun get acclimated before he tries to push any deeper. "There's always so much pressure on the whole 'first time' thing. Probably too much pressure. I mean, it's not like the movies, y'know? It's awkward and it doesn't always go as planned and—"

"Not really doing a whole lot to ease my nerves here, Jongin," Sehun cuts in with a pointed stare.

"Well, I mean, this isn't _my_ first rodeo," Jongin points out. "The details are different, sure, but the general concept is the same." He smiles, and Sehun gets that fluttery feeling all over again. "I can't promise it'll be perfect, but I'll try my best to make sure it's good, at the very least."

Sehun's chest fills with warmth, and he smiles in return. "Okay."

Jongin nuzzles the inside of his knee, and Sehun's back arches off the bed slightly when Jongin begins to slowly pump his fingers in and out of Sehun's ass, still twisting his wrist back and forth to stimulate the rim. Jongin has taken his time, working him open so gradually and gently that Sehun doesn't feel any pain, only the existential ache to be filled, to feel Jongin move within him, to come with Jongin nestled snugly inside of him. The mere thought stirs his cock back to life, little by little, and he can't take the anticipation for much longer.

"I think— I think I'm ready, Jongin," he hears himself say, and he clenches around nothing when Jongin pulls his fingers out and reaches for a wet wipe to clean his sticky hands. "How do you want to, uh… ?"

"Lie on your side, like that," Jongin says, immediately grasping his meaning. He slides off the bed. "Are you cold? Do you wanna get under the covers?"

Sehun nods and sits up to pull back the comforter, then slides underneath and yanks it up to his waist, rolling onto his side to watch Jongin remove his underwear and roll a condom down over his cock before he climbs into bed to fiddle with the lube.

Jongin looks at Sehun once he's adequately prepared, and Sehun's stomach does several back handsprings in a row at the expression on his face: kindness mingled with nervousness, affection, and a healthy dose of lust.

"Other side," he says, and Sehun rolls onto his right side. Jongin's hand settles on his left leg. "Bend that forward a little for me."

Sehun shifts his leg forward and bends his knee, and Jongin settles behind him, molding his body to Sehun's. Sehun reaches back to squeeze his thigh, feeling like his heart is about to blow straight through his chest.

Jongin holds himself up on one elbow, using his other hand to align his cockhead with Sehun's entrance, then presses his lips to the back of Sehun's neck and murmurs into his ear, "Tell me if you need me to stop, okay?"

"I will," Sehun whispers, and then Jongin's pushing forward, his cock slowly inching past Sehun's entrance until his hips are flush with Sehun's, his chest pressed against Sehun's back, both of them panting slightly.

Jongin's hand grips Sehun's hip, and he sighs with a little shudder of pleasure as he tips his head forward to kiss the hollow behind Sehun's ear. "Doing okay?"

Sehun exhales, trying to acclimate himself both to the girth of Jongin's cock and to the surreality of this moment, because Jongin is _literally inside of him, holy shit_. If someone had told him on the first day of the semester that he'd be dating, let alone sleeping with, the actual love of his life before Christmas, he'd have cold-cocked them for toying with his emotions.

"Yeah, just…" Sehun takes another deep breath and lets it all out in one go. "Stay there for a minute?"

"Sure." Jongin relaxes into the mattress for the time being and lets his arm fall around Sehun's waist, his hand resting just over Sehun's heart. He nuzzles Sehun's neck, dotting the thin skin with kisses here and there. "I know you like to be the little spoon."

"This is a whole 'nother level of spooning, though," Sehun says with a dry laugh, even as he's struck by Jongin's tenderness. He snuggles back into Jongin, swallowing a soft moan when Jongin's cock shifts inside of him. "Like, AP Spooning."

"Only if AP stands for, like… 'Anal Penetration,'" Jongin snickers, burying his face in Sehun's neck.

" _Noooooo_ ," Sehun moans in anguish, shuddering. "I know you're literally inside me right now, but there is absolutely zero excuse for using the word 'penetration' in any context, _ever_."

"Aw," Jongin says, his tone teasing as he pushes himself up on one elbow to pepper Sehun's cheek with kisses. "Are you one of those weird people who hates the word 'moist,' too? Or 'ointment'?"

"No." Sehun rolls his eyes. "It's just one of those words that reminds me of, like, high school health class, and that is a super unsexy thought to be having right now."

Jongin settles back down with a snort, lifting his hand off of Sehun's chest to make air quotes. "Guessing you're not a fan of 'intercourse,' either, huh?"

"How should I know?" Sehun smirks to himself. "You literally just put it in. You're gonna have to work a little harder than that before I can make a decision."

"God, I walked right into that one, didn't I?" Jongin's head falls against Sehun's shoulder as he laughs, the sound trailing off into a sigh. "So, does that mean I can… ?"

"Yeah, I think I'm okay," Sehun says, shifting his hips experimentally. "Just— not too fast, all right?"

"Don't worry." Jongin kisses the side of Sehun's head and digs one elbow into the mattress for leverage, his other hand returning to Sehun's hip. "I'll be careful."

Slowly, Jongin begins to roll his hips in shallow thrusts, his fingertips tensing and relaxing against Sehun's hipbone in the same rhythm. "Is this okay?" he murmurs, his lips brushing the shell of Sehun's ear.

Sehun clutches a pillow to his chest and rubs his face against it, eyes sinking shut as Jongin rocks into him. "Mmhmm" is the only response he can muster for a few moments, too fixated on the pleasant sensation of Jongin's cock merely sliding in and out of him to string a sentence together, but eventually a sigh escapes his lips and fades into a low moan. " _Oh_ , that's more than okay," he says, tentatively changing the angle of his hips with a soft whine.

"More than okay" is an understatement if there ever was one. The notion of staying in the moment has always been difficult for Sehun, but right now the part of his mind that's always on—always thinking, always stressing him out—is just an impartial observer, absorbing as many details about this experience as possible. It occurs to Sehun in this moment that it's not only Jongin's cock driving into his prostate that he finds so pleasurable about sex (though that is great on its own). It's Jongin getting too tired to hold himself up and winding both of his arms around Sehun for leverage instead, holding him close to his chest. It's Jongin trailing kisses across Sehun's shoulders and nuzzling his neck. It's Jongin moaning against the nape of Sehun's neck, and how the sound waves send goosebumps down Sehun's spine. It's Jongin checking to make sure he's still doing okay, whispering words of praise in his ear and showing how much he loves Sehun. All in all, it's about as perfect a first time as he could have asked for. There's only one thing that could possibly make it any better.

Panting, Sehun reaches back to clutch Jongin's thigh. "Hey."

"Time out?" Jongin asks breathlessly, and the bed stops creaking as he slows down.

"No, no, I'm good," Sehun reassures him, trying to turn his head enough to look at him, but the angle is too tight, and he flops back against Jongin in defeat. "It's just— it would be nice if I could actually see you, y'know?"

" _Oh._ " Jongin's voice is warm, and he rests his chin on Sehun's shoulder, arms tightening briefly around his middle. "We can change positions, if you want. Should I get on top for a bit, or … ?"

"Yeah, that— that sounds good," Sehun says, a soft gasp escaping when Jongin withdraws and moves aside, allowing Sehun to roll onto his back.

Jongin waits for him to adjust the pillows and make himself comfortable before crawling between Sehun's legs. Sehun bends his knees, heart skipping a beat as he waits for Jongin to enter him again, but all Jongin does at first is lower his body over Sehun, bringing them chest to chest before tilting his head down to kiss Sehun full on the mouth, gentle and sweet. Sehun's hands clutch at his shoulders as Jongin turns his head to nuzzle Sehun's cheek for a moment before pressing his lips to the tender spots on Sehun's neck that he knows to be sensitive. Sehun's fingertips dig into Jongin's back when Jongin mouths at his earlobe again, this time on the opposite side, and he moans softly as Jongin begins to run a hand up and down his chest and abdomen until it gradually comes to settle on his hip, kneading as Jongin's mouth moves from Sehun's ear to his chest, teasing his neck and collarbones along the way.

Sehun is a little embarrassed at the needy whine that sticks in his throat when Jongin's tongue laps at one of his nipples and then the other, but he can't help himself; the pleasure has his cock stiffening between their bodies, and he is acutely aware of Jongin's absence inside of him. Sehun tenses his thighs on either side of Jongin's waist, and Jongin glances up at him, releasing the nipple from between his lips at the pleading look on Sehun's face. Jongin plants his hands on either side of Sehun's shoulders and shifts to kiss him once more, this time with a little more intent, before breaking away to grope for the lube again. Finding it, Jongin refreshes himself and wipes his hand on the sheets, then lines himself up, teasing Sehun's entrance with the head of his cock until Sehun is seconds away from begging him to put it in.

"Ready?" Jongin says finally, sliding one arm beneath Sehun's shoulders and hovering over him.

Sehun nods and wraps his legs fully around Jongin's waist, a sharp inhale and a breathy moan passing his lips unbidden as Jongin enters him again.

"Are you okay?" Jongin asks quietly, slipping his other arm under Sehun's shoulder and pausing his movement to watch Sehun panting beneath him. "Did that hurt?"

"No, no," Sehun says with a faintly sheepish laugh and a little shake of his head. "It just… feels really good the first time it goes in."

"Oh." Jongin smiles and kisses him again, driving his hips a little deeper. "Feels good for me, too."

It's easier for Jongin to thrust into him at this angle, and Sehun loves the weight of him against his chest, the way his hipbones cradle Sehun's ass when Jongin is deep inside of him. He reaches up to curl a hand around the back of Jongin's neck, fingertips brushing the sweat-dampened hair at the nape while his other hand slips between them to tend to himself, his cock hard once again. The touch makes him contract around Jongin's cock, which makes both of them moan involuntarily, and a small part of Sehun finds their identical reaction somewhat amusing.

Jongin's eyes blink open, dazed, and he slows down again, refocusing on Sehun's face with concern in his eyes. "You okay?"

The hand on Jongin's neck slides around to cup his cheek, and Sehun smiles, petting Jongin's brow with his thumb as if to smooth away the worry. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Jongin turns his head just enough to kiss the heel of Sehun's hand, and then bends his head to kiss Sehun properly. Sehun sighs into it, sinking his hand into Jongin's hair and sifting through it as Jongin buries his face in Sehun's neck for a moment to catch his breath.

"Are _you_ okay?" Sehun asks, smiling to himself as he scratches Jongin's head.

"Mmmyeah," Jongin sighs in apparent bliss, leaving slow, openmouthed kisses along the curve of Sehun's neck. "Can I try something? You don't have to move or anything, don't worry."

"Sure," Sehun says, and Jongin sits up slightly, shifting Sehun's legs up from where they're clamped around his waist and over his shoulders before he starts to move again. "Oh, holy _fuck_."

The slight shift in position allows him to take Jongin deeper, and it is intense, to say the least. Sehun's lower back comes off the bed with every roll of Jongin's hips, and Jongin's shoulders angle Sehun's legs toward his own chest, pressing down on his lungs and forcing little gasps and moans out of him. As good as it feels, however, it's hell on his joints.

" _Ah_ ," Sehun whimpers after a few minutes, clutching Jongin's arm. "Time out, time out."

Jongin stops immediately, hovering over Sehun in complete stillness but for the heaving of his chest. "What's wrong? Do you wanna _stop_ stop, or—"

"Calm down," Sehun interrupts him. "I'm fine—it feels really good, honestly—but my legs are too fucking long for this. My… whatever you wanna call this—" He gestures at his groin where the tops of his thighs meet his hips. "—is on _fire_."

Jongin hisses in sympathy and lets Sehun's legs slide down from his shoulders, then wriggles his arms out from under Sehun's back so he can rub his legs. "You wanna take a break?"

"No!" Sehun says, the word coming out quicker and louder than he means it to. The room suddenly feels a few degrees warmer. "No, I was just wondering if maybe, uh— maybe I could get on top?"

Jongin's eyes light up. "Hell yeah," he says, kissing Sehun's hard on the mouth before he withdraws and rolls onto his back next to Sehun.

Having gotten used to the sensation of having a dick in his ass, Sehun thinks it almost feels weirder now that it's _not_ there. He takes a deep breath and lets it all out in one gust before sitting up and shifting to kneel beside Jongin, waiting for him to finish reslicking his cock with lube.

Jongin puts the bottle to the side when he's done and wipes his hand on the bedsheet. "Hop on," he says with a grin, earning an eyeroll from Sehun as he throws one leg over Jongin's waist to straddle his erection.

Sehun reaches behind himself to hold Jongin's cock steady. "Ready?"

When Jongin nods, Sehun slowly lowers himself down, and _god_ , there's just something about that first thrust, about being filled up again. He tips his head back with a little gasp and closes his eyes, a little noise of contentment in the back of his throat once Jongin's fully inside him again. His eyes flutter open when warm hands slide up his thighs, and he looks down at Jongin, who's gazing up at him with something like wonder.

"What?" Sehun murmurs, ears burning red-hot.

But Jongin just shakes his head with a little smile. "Nothing. C'mere."

A smile pulls at the corners of Sehun's mouth, too, and he leans forward, bracing his hands against Jongin's shoulders. They lock eyes for a moment in a way that makes Sehun feel like his heart is expanding inside his chest, threatening to break free of his ribcage, and then Jongin's hand curls around the back of his neck to close the short distance between them with a kiss, his lips soft and warm, opening eagerly for Sehun when he teases Jongin's lower lip with his tongue.

"All that talk about wanting to see me…" Jongin smirks and shakes his head when they pause to catch their breath a few minutes later. "You just wanted to make out, didn't you?"

Sehun laughs and kisses him again. This is… _god_ , this is fun. "And you didn't?" he says with a disbelieving look, sinking his hands into Jongin's hair as he goes in for another kiss. "Strange, I didn't hear any—" He kisses Jongin again. "—complaining—" And again. "—about—"

Sehun doesn't realize he's been slowly grinding into Jongin until Jongin moans into his mouth and his hands slide down from the small of Sehun's back to clutch at his hips, fingers curling around to knead his ass and hold him still while Jongin's hips jerk upward into Sehun from below. Sehun breaks the kiss to press his face into Jongin's cheek, every thrust forcing brief cries past his lips.

"Are you okay?" Jongin whispers again, his lips brushing Sehun's earlobe. "Are those sounds good or bad?"

"So good," Sehun moans, meeting Jongin's thrusts with quick, shallow rolling motions. "You have no— fucking— idea."

As if drawn by a magnet, Sehun's lips find Jongin's once more in a fervent kiss, and he sinks his fingers into Jongin's hair, thumbs slowly stroking his temples. He thinks he could go on doing this—just this—forever, but eventually he sits up, leaning forward slightly to clutch the headboard for leverage as he rocks back onto Jongin's cock, muttering nonsense and curse words to himself in addition to all the other sounds drawn out of him every time the head of Jongin's cock presses against his prostate. His head droops forward when he finds the perfect angle, eyelids fluttering and mouth opening in a silent expression of pleasure as he continues to ride Jongin.

That silence is quickly broken when one of Jongin's hands leaves Sehun's hip to grip the base of his cock instead, and Sehun squeezes his eyes shut, biting down hard on his lower lip to stifle the almost embarrassingly loud cry this simple touch elicits.

"That good?" Jongin asks, stroking him fluidly. Sehun's body tenses every time Jongin's palm curls around the head of his cock, driving him closer and closer to the edge.

"I think you know the answer to that already," Sehun says, hot all over. He opens his eyes to see Jongin smirking up at him, and his own lips twitch in turn. "Smartass."

Jongin's other hand glides up Sehun's chest, the pads of his fingertips dragging across one of his nipples, and his soft laugh becomes a moan when Sehun gasps and clenches around him. "God, you're sensitive," Jongin muses, now circling the other nipple with a fingertip as he continues to jerk Sehun off.

Sehun's head falls back with a helpless whimper, and he digs his knees into the mattress, tightly clutching the headboard to give himself more leverage as he rocks himself back onto Jongin's cock and then forward into the tight circle of his fist, over and over and over until Jongin's hands clutch his hips again.

Sehun opens his mouth to complain about Jongin abandoning him mid-handjob, but then Jongin plants his feet and lifts his hips off the bed to fuck into Sehun from below, and Sehun's too caught off-guard to muffle the moan that comes out instead. He lets his eyes fall shut again and practically bounces in Jongin's lap, held fast by the hands kneading his ass as he meets Jongin's quick, shallow thrusts.

With a low groan and a final few jerks of his hips, Jongin digs his blunt nails into Sehun's ass and comes, his back arching just the slightest bit off the mattress before he collapses back into it with a grunt. He lies there for a few moments, panting, but his eyes blink open when Sehun wriggles impatiently atop him, Jongin's cock still buried inside of him.

"I gotcha," Jongin murmurs, slinging his left arm around Sehun's waist as his right hand returns to Sehun's cock to finish him off. "Come on."

Within a few minutes, Sehun comes with a choked-off moan and lets Jongin's softening cock slip out of him before he stretches out on top of Jongin, his stiff legs too much in need of a rest for him to care that he's all but glued himself to Jongin's chest with his own spunk.

"Hi," Jongin says in a slightly creaky voice, patting Sehun fondly on the ass as he reaches around him to roll down and tie off the condom, chucking it in the trash.

Sehun works his arms between Jongin's back and the mattress as if to give him a horizontal hug and rubs his cheek against Jongin's collarbone. "Hi," he sighs, suddenly feeling a little drowsy.

"Tired?" Jongin laughs, tilting his head to glance down at Sehun.

"Mmm" is the only response Sehun can muster for a minute as he tries to get his thoughts in order and waits for his heart rate to return to a normal level. He smiles and closes his eyes when he feels Jongin's fingers sift through his hair.

"How do you feel?" Jongin asks quietly.

"Good," Sehun yawns, "although I'm thinking sitting on an airplane for six hours tomorrow is going to be even more uncomfortable than it usually is."

Jongin tenses beneath him and turns his head to look at Sehun. "Are you in pain?"

Sehun opens his eyes to offer Jongin a smile and shakes his head. "No, I meant 'uncomfortable' in more of an 'I've spent most of the past twelve hours getting railed and now I have to fly coach to LA' kind of way, not in an 'ouch' way."

" _Twelve hours?_ " Jongin repeats with an incredulous laugh. "Look, my stamina is pretty good, but you are greatly overestimating my ability here."

"I believe in you," Sehun says in a sleepy voice, snuggling into Jongin's neck, but he's startled awake by Jongin pinching his ass. "Ow, what the hell?"

"You can't fall asleep," Jongin protests.

Sehun closes his eyes with a whine. "Why not?"

"Because we both really need a shower, and I need sustenance if we're gonna be doing this all night," Jongin says with amusement, but he sounds a little more serious when he adds, "Besides, if you fall asleep, then I'll fall asleep because I'm trapped here, and then we might accidentally sleep the entire night because neither of us set an alarm, and I really don't want to waste all that time."

As sad as he is about their imminent parting, Jongin's concern puts some lightness into Sehun's heart. He plants his hands on the mattress on either side of Jongin's head and pushes himself up to kiss Jongin softly, as if to reassure him, then pulls back with a little smile.

"And you call _me_ soft," Sehun teases.

"Shut up." Jongin shakes his head with a matching smile, tugging Sehun in for another kiss with a hand cradling the back of his head. "I'm just not finished with you yet, that's all," he says in that low voice of his, the one that lights a fire inside of Sehun.

"Well, good, 'cause I'm not finished with you, either," Sehun responds in kind, the tip of his nose brushing against the tip of Jongin's. "But you gotta set an alarm right now, 'cause I need a catnap before I let you fuck me in the shower."

A burst of surprised laughter erupts out of Jongin's chest, but he throws his arm out anyway, groping for his phone. "Who said anything about that?"

"Oh, don't pretend like you weren't thinking about it," Sehun says placidly, settling his head against Jongin's shoulder once more as Jongin unlocks his phone. "I know about all your dirty shower thoughts now, in case you forgot."

"That is so unfair," Jongin laughs again, though there's a note of protest in it. He grabs at Sehun's waist, making him yelp, ticklish. "You can't throw things I said when I was horny back in my face!" He taps his phone screen and his tone softens. "How long d'you wanna nap for?"

"Mmm… half an hour?" Sehun curls a hand around Jongin's bicep, just wanting something to hold on to. "Does that seem reasonable?"

"Mmhmm." Jongin sets a timer for thirty minutes and checks the volume on his phone before replacing it on the nightstand. "It's only a little after nine. We have plenty of time."

"Mmkay," Sehun mumbles sleepily. "Am I squishing you? 'Cause I can move if you're uncomfortable."

"Don't you dare." Jongin pulls the covers up over Sehun's shoulders and loops his arms around Sehun's waist. "This is perfect."

 _Yeah_ , Sehun thinks, burying his face in Jongin's neck to hide his sudden, giddy smile. _It really is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT. I DID THE THING. i cannot believe i wrote ~112k words in a little more than a year. (on this fic, anyway—word count is definitely higher if you add in my other WIPs/the [one other fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17239262) i've posted in the interim, lol.) it still baffles me that it ballooned to this size considering that i started this project thinking it would max out at 20k. i'm glad i decided to see this through to its natural conclusion, and it feels good to post this final installment today after waking up to [LITERALLY](https://twitter.com/sekaidointhings/status/1155409012827013120) [SO](https://twitter.com/kjivenchy/status/1155397368860168192) [MUCH](https://twitter.com/onlaymon/status/1155470296545030144) [SEKAI](https://twitter.com/cruelbermuda/status/1155458746442665984) [CONTENT](https://twitter.com/sekaidointhings/status/1155477089413402625) at exploration day 6!!! (i'm jongdae smiling softly at how fucking cute they are in that last tweet, omfg.)
> 
> i would like to thank [katya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfsupremacist/pseuds/wolfsupremacist) and [gab](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeobyeol/pseuds/jeobyeol) for all of their excellent feedback and handholding and general cheerleading as i tried to untangle my thoughts into something remotely resembling a plot. and i would also like to thank everyone who's been here since day one. thank you for leaving such nice comments and messages in my cc and for sticking with me in spite of my inability to keep to a schedule once i started to get to the unfinished "?????" parts of the fic. that was mostly due to RL bullshit, but also i was more concerned with getting it right than hitting a deadline. (still, i totally get why people don't read unfinished chaptered fics—i sure would have thought it had been abandoned after two months with no update. hopefully now that it's a complete story, more people will give it a chance!!)
> 
> writing this was very therapeutic for me in some ways and very nerve-wracking in others. a lot of sehun's thought processes are very similar to my own, so putting the inner workings of my brain on display was kind of scary. i spent a lot of time before i started posting the fic kind of beating myself up for wasting all this time writing what i thought was pointless navel-gazing garbage. so it has been really touching to see comments from readers who identified strongly with sehun's anxieties (or any of the characters, really) and felt seen in some way. it sucks that anyone has to deal with those feelings at all, but if i've done anything to make even one person feel less alone in the world or to normalize anxiety and depression in any way, then it makes all of this work worthwhile to me. rationally, i know it's sort of weird to project my own baggage onto real people that i don't actually know personally, but i try not to take that part of it too seriously. i know it's not real. but i think exploring complex problems and emotions using familiar figures that we've poured a lot of emotional energy into can be helpful in achieving some level of self-understanding and self-awareness, as long as you understand the difference between reality and fiction. that's how i choose to look at it, anyway.
> 
> i'm dropping [the entire playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7lywIL5SjlAl5ZGMBR2RNq) here, but just to highlight a couple additions: retroactively adding EXO-SC's "borderline" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/2heFGZjbP1u2cVbdsH7YbL)] to chapter 18, in light of chanyeol's speechifying, because all of this drawing lines and erasing and crossing them is so apropos of this story it's almost like sehun did this specifically for me. and then for this chapter, it's gotta be thot anthem of the century "stay up" by my one and only, mr. byun baekhyun (feat. beenzino) [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/1w6QVxfBpW9hImuZXNHcmL)], because... "we makin' love until the sun shines down on us," for real!!!! (although i think sehun probably has to leave for the airport while it's still dark out, lmao.) and as a general theme, "the anchor" [[x](https://open.spotify.com/track/0qwpBiu4uhW9hiQ6P4NePz)] by bastille since i think [the lyrics](https://genius.com/10441455) sum up sehun's feelings about jongin pretty well, and not in a weird codependent way, just in a "this person is my north star" kinda way.
> 
> i guess that's everything. tell your friends, leave a kudos and a comment, hit me up on [twitter](http://twitter.com/pageandpetals) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/pageandpetals)... and thanks again!!


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